PeacePrince
30-08-10, 19:17
for the last two years i have been having theese weird feelings towards children everytime i look at a child, i don't know if its real or not, but they then trigger a rush of aweful thoughts which make me feel ten times worse. I used to be able to control my thoughts and if anything weird came into my head, or if i saw child on tv and felt weird, i'd distract myself from it and by the next day it would be as if nothing happened, i quit the idea of working in a nurseary because i started to think that i might hurt them, i gave up on the idea of having kids as i saw myself becoming a bad person and i could hurt them, i dont get on with my younger brother often and blame the weid stuff for it, all i want is to be a good person and be a normal teenager, i can't seem to brush the idea off or let the thoughts go, i dont trust myself being around children and sometimes people of my own age or any age lately i dont want to go out of my room, i go out with friends less as im afriad i would hurt them or disapoint them, i have tried my hardest to be a better person over the last two years i have changed my religion and i have had the ten commandments up on my wardrobe, i had bad experiences as a child which i still feel guilty for, although the last counciller i saw said i was too younger to understand and sometimes i get flash backs and they are as bad as the bad thoughts i get,i went camping a few weeks ago with my best friend and i kept asking myself stupid questions everytime i saw child, at first i was like i feel nothing thats good, im not what i keep thinking, untill my best friend said something which triggered it off. I i spent the whole camping trip thinking about it and i didn't go out during the two weeks afterwards i was scared that i'd hurt sopmeone and was searching on the internet on ways of to get rid of the thought and stange feelings, the only times i went out was to the shop over the road, i went out twice within two weeks and i had panic attacks on the way home and at home i even had one while talking to my girlfriend which i felt so bad about afterwards, everyone says that i would not do the thoughts in my head and say im a nice person but why do i not believe them and think i might? i just want to be able to live my life like a normal teen but i feel like a sicko, its all i think about and feel, im numb to most of my emotions now which scares me, i don't know what to do...
sorry for bad spellings and stuff, im dyslexic and not very good with words
sorry for bad spellings and stuff, im dyslexic and not very good with words