Hello All......

[Beeble]

Hi I posted in the wrong place to introduce myself and say hello....so I will start over....
I was started on citralopram Friday last week I was supposed to take half a tablet for two days and then a full one every day from then on (20mg). I felt so sick with waves of nausea coming over me that first day and have continued to feel sick ever since..... consequently I have stayed on half a tablet as don't want to feel worse. I saw my GP today and she said that is fine 10mg will help with anxiety but for the depression that I am feeling a full tablet would be more benificial. I will stop on 10mg for now..... also today when I went I have an infected finger!!!!! and am on anti-biotics now as well for a week...which themselves can cause sickness so I'm a right case PLUS I go back to work tomorrow after the school hols. (Am a Teaching Assistant).

I really don't want to go back..... the fact that I received a text by mistake from a colleague about me making very nasty comments is not helping me..... (I cried for a fair bit after receiving that at the w/end...just what I didn't need). I will see my line manager tomorrow and tell her but chances are she won't be interested....tried calling her but she has her phone switched off the whole of the school holidays.

I am two years down the line from a divorce (married 25yrs) and I started off strong (ex said I was weak and wouldn't cope on my own....so I strove to prove him wrong)..... now though I am feeling weak and very low. I moved into a flat from my divorce (our two children stopped in the house with their dad...19 & 23 they are now).

I decided I wanted to move from my flat to a small house in the early summer and I got buyer for my flat and found a small house that I could afford (50% shared ownership)....I panicked and backed out of everything but then a few weeks later thought this is silly I want to move and have my reasons........so it is all back on again and I'm so so scared of doing this move on my own.....one it is costing me a lot more than I thought it would and two the house needs work doing and I'm worried about that...... my mum lives a long way from me (3hrs by train) she has alzheimers and is quite aggresive with it.... my older sisiter lives close to our mother and she is her carer....sadly she (my sister) has turned quite hostile towards me as feels I am not pulling my weight and should get down to help out more..... HOW can I??? I live miles away I don't drive ....I can only take holidays when schools break ....and beside that our mother is so nasty to me when I do go down...... sorry I have rambled on way too much.....but wanted to tell some of the reasons why I am so down and feel unable to cope..... I need some 'talk therapy' I think and am going to try to get some......:unsure:

Thankyou for reading..... B x

[nomorepanic]

Hi Beeble

We just wanted to welcome you aboard to NMP. We hope you enjoy your stay here and get all the support and advice you need.

Please take some time to read the website articles on the left as well for loads of advice and tips.

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi and welcome to NMP :welcome:
Paige x

[morningsong]

hi :welcome: talking therapy is as important as meds and together you WILL start to slowly pull yourself out of the darkness that overshadows everything...... i note your family problems and tbh hun my family were and are never the most supportive people i've had around me. My friends are my rocks and my two sons. Your GP should offer some sort of counselling so i would suggest you try to push this. I also think it would be worth you branching out your social network, just a little at first - god knows i know how scary THAT is - making friends on here and then possibly meeting them for a coffee is a good start. Everyone is openly struggling on here and to meet someone who could feel the same as you in real life may help get the support you, and them (remember you are supporting everyone on here too by contact with the people on the site) need.

Good luck hun - pm if you fancy a chat :)

[happycamper]

Hey there Beeble,
Just wanted to say I started in citalopram early June, had a couple of weeks taking the 10mg, then another couple of weeks guestimating 15mg and now the full 20mg, yes had some side effects but all manageable and now feel like it's really helped, barely any of the side effects now and glad I stuck it out after reading posts on NMP.
I work in a school too and my mum lives 300 miles away and I also get the guilt trip, I understand where you're coming there.
Best of luck with the cit and feeling better soon.
XXX

[Beeble]

:) Thankyou all for your welcome replies.....I do find it hard to actually get out here and meet people. Once out there I'm fine and very chatty.... it's the intial getting out there if you know what I mean.
I will persevere with the cit as I need to feel better.

[Fly away Katie]

Hellooo and welcome to NMP!! xx

[Beeble]

Update on me....I am still on 20mg of citalopram and am going to start CBT and counselling soon.
I'm in my house now and although it has been very hard I have done it and now need to look to the future and get myself out and meeting people. I am still very lonely and find it hard to motivate myself at times.

[ljd]

Hiya and welcome,

Sorry to hear about all your problems sounds like you have a lot on at the moment try and be kind to yourself and dont beat your self up. You can do what you can do in the situation your in at the time tc

[Beeble]

Thanks ltd.....I know things take time and I think that's my problem I have to make things happen as they won't just do so on their own.
I have arranged to go stop with my niece down south next month so I will be able to visit my mum. Think I have been feeling very guilty about not having seen her since last August. It is hard to be with her now she has alzhiemers. She is quite aggressive and to have gone down before now to see her would have knocked me right down. Especially with the way I've been feeling.

[Beeble]

Here I am on a piece of elastic......tried to wean off the cit. Went down to 10mg in October and was feeling ok(ish)...then my mum went into a care home (she has alzhiemers and was a danger to herself).....I had to go down (she lives 3hrs from me) to help my older sister to clear her flat. That was diffilcult.....I had a herniated disc and a few other health problems. Then just before I broke up for the Xmas period I had an incident at work..... consequently I didn't want to return to work in the new year and have been signed off work for a few weeks with stress/depression.

Some people are saying I should toughen up and go back to work...... face up to it and
my boss (who said some awful/unprofessional things to/about me). Thing is I get all anxious and worried and cry so much when I think about going back.....I truly feel like I don't want to go back. "It will be worse the longer you leave it" say the so called friends..... I don't I EVER want to go back.
At least my union are supportive and advised i go to my GP and get signed off from work until I am properly better.

Thing is I now have the voices telling me I'm a bad person for being off work...... my GP says I should think about what I'm going to do with my time whilst off work. I'm thinking should I give the driving lessons another try......or is that putting pressure on myself??
I have taken a few practical tests in the past (quite a few yrs ago now/when I was married). I so want to feel good about myself....... and that I can achieve things.

[sickandtired]

personally,I think it may be too early to come off the cit and I would do exactly what the union said and get signed off work........it sounds like you,ve had a 'relapse' to me
you are NOT a bad person for being off work.....think of yourself & stuff what anyone else thinks!! its not a case of toughening up.......depression is a real illness and takes time to recover,and the incident at work sounds like the last straw
you will feel good about yourself soon,but I would concentrate on getting well,before driving lessons.I can think of nothing more stressful than a driving test!!
(i failed 3 times,lol)
take care x

[Beeble]

Thanks for the reply and advice.....I have been put back on 20mg and the GP said she would rather I were on 40mg!! (which sounds high to me but she said it's not)...she will see how I go and we can do it in steps if I prefer. I do, so will see how I am on 20mg.

Maybe it is too much pressure to try the driving whilst so low.....will only reinforce what I'm thinking of myself (that I'm rubbish...) if I fail and make a mess of it.

I think I should be kinder to myself.....(nobody else is)....but I never am. Why is that??

[sickandtired]

because you are probably too busy helping and worrying about others....its a classic sign
you MUST be kinder to yourself,you deserve it
I have certainly been a bit more selfish with my time lately,instead of my usual 'selfless' ways.I stayed in bed till 10;30 today!!!!
Learn to say No sometimes,you,re not a bad person for doing this....plus you have had health problems yourself.I have a back problem, as well as being anaemic and suffered with heavy periods too,whilst looking after 3 kids and constantly cleaning,washing,ironing,shopping ....etc
takes its toll and something as to give

[carefree68]

Beeble you are taking the first steps now, talking and making new friends that takes some guts.
CBT sounds like a real positive step to feeling better.
Why not try Driving Lessons but do it for you and because you want to, not because you feel guilty about travelling to see your mum.Plus it something positive to focus on.
Take care of you, you have had a lot to cope with, take the opportunity to rest and gain strength within you.
Keep sharing hun sending you huge:hugs:

[Beeble]

Thankyou both I do need to be kinder to myself and learn to say "NO" a bit more.....think I want everyone to like me so find it hard to say no. Also I need to ask for help when I need it. I'm trying to not feel guilty but others opinions (saying I should be at work) are making me feel bad.
Problems getting to sleep and then when I do weird dreams.....is not helping my mood.

[sam66]

i will never be beaten

[Bren64]

Hi Beeble,

Im just new and not much help on the drugs or advice, but the driviing lessons... why dont you try a few lessons in an automatic? Soo much easier and less to panic about, I failed may test 3 times (many moons ago) in a manual, but done much better in an auto.

Good luck hun, chin up

bren

[Beeble]

Hi Bren....yes a few people have said try an automatic. So far all my lessons have been in manual cars. I just want to pass my test...to get my freedom would be great. :)