View Full Version : terrified of dying of cancer
worrywort123
03-09-10, 09:39
Hi
Ive never posted on a forum before. I too suffer with health anxiety and its starting to take over my life. I always worried a bit about getting ill, but once I had my first daughter 3 years ago it went into overdrive. After 6 months it seemed to settle down so that it was managable, but since I had my 2nd daughter 5 months ago its gone haywire.
I think constantly about getting ill, and I mainly worry about getting cancer. Im terrified that I have it and I don't realise and the doctors wont be able to do anything for me by the time they discover it. I am frightened to go to the doctor. Every ache and niggle I convince myself is a symptom.
I imagine what I would write in a letter to my girls for when they are older. I cry at the thought of my husband being alone and brinign up 2 kids on his own.
Do other people feel like this? I have seen the doctor once about how I feel, she told me its health anxiety and is common after having a baby. But that doctor has now left and I don't want to see another in case they think I'm a nutter
Its ruining my life, I feel like I can't look forward as I worry I wont be here. I also think what if I have some kind of 6th sense, and there is really something wroing and thats why I keep thinking this way.
Then reality creeps in every so often, and tells me I'm being irrational. All my blood tests during pregnancy came back perfect, so surely they would have flagged up something?
Please let me know your experiences, it would really help to know I'm not going mad.
MD x
Hi there
It's the irrational bit of us that makes us like this, and I suppose the thing to remember is that normally the rational explanation for anything is the right one (OK, it doesn't work all the time, but anything over 95% is pretty certain). Our fear is often triggered by things that we can't control. I obsess over the passage of time, but there's nothing I can do about it. However, letting go of those thoughts is the difficult bit.
Have you asked your health visitor about postnatal depression? I believe it can also manifest itself as anxiety symptoms, and it's happened since the birth of your baby, it certainly looks as though the two are linked.
It may well be worth going back to your GP. Two queries about health anxiety won't automatically label you as a nutter (doctors are usually a lot more lenient than this!).
Hey.... i know exactly how you feel, you arnt alone... before i had my little boy... i didnt have one worry at all, if i had a ache or a pain.. i never even gave it a second thought... but then... i had my little boy... everything was fine... the birth was very bad... but for 3 months after i felt great... then all of a sudden i bacame really ill.... awful tummy pains... for about 2 months, doctors couldnt find anything wrong, i had a abdominal scan and all was fine... i was told i had IBS... ever since then i have had severe helath anxiety... when i have sypmtoms of IBS i think it is cancer, a headache for a few days i believe it is a brain tumour, pains in my chest ( which are from a strenous job) i think lung cancer, or a underlying heart condition... i spent months thinking i was going to die, and the doctors have missed something, and i wasnt going to see my son again... i spent everyday fixated on the pain i had that particular day, googled it and then believe i had a cancer of some form relating to that pain... i went to the doctors every week desparately telling them i was going to die and was worried... i was finally given propanol after suffering 2 huge panic attacks, the first panic attack frightened me so much i ended up calling the ambulance, it was just after midnight, the pain in my chest was unberable, i couldnt breathe i was sweating... all signs of a massive heart attack, i thought im going to die... as soon as the ambulnace got here, they calmed me down and said i had a massive panic attack from worrying myself so much about death diease, they were really understandable and told me they get calls for this all the time, and that a panic attack how ever much it seems it can do damage, it is normal and wont hurt me... i will now have a few good days of feeling ok... but then ill get a pain somewhere, be it in my leg and ill think blood clot... its awful... it complete took over my life for a good year... i have done some cbt... it did help, but im very impatient so i gave it up, im now just trying to deal with it, like my doctor says i am only 25!!! 24 when i started all this health anxiety... i just dont fel 100 percent all the time, and that worrys me, but apparently, if i didnt even think about my health and howi feel it will go away... health anxiety is a very hard thing to deal with, it can take over your whole life... ive had it so bad... i cant imagine anyone could have it any worse, but they do,
For example, i have woke up today with a pain in my chest if i move a certain way... now i KNOW it is just because i over did it yesterday at work as i work with animals and it is just a muscle strain... but the other part of me is thinking heart condition or something terrible with my lungs, i did have a chest xray in march ( yes i was worried sick about a chest condition) having so much pain which was just a pulled muscle !! and that all came back clear, normal heart and normal lungs.... but still........ I WORRY !!
i hope this has helped, nice to see someone else has really bad health anxiety... and i so understand the part of cant look forward as worried you wont be here... i think about that all the time.... and to be worrying like this at 25 isnt normal... but trying to snap out of it... well.... i just cant, my family cant understand why i am like it, its hard to explain to people who dont worry about anything like that xxxxx hope this has helped you feel better ??? xxxxxx do you actually always have a ache or pain or feel ill of some sort and then think OMG cancer ???? xxxx
worrywort123
03-09-10, 10:08
thanks carly lou your reply has helped. It makes me feel better to know other people feel like i do, im not just the odd one out. I feel the majority of the time I suffer in silence as I think if I dont talk about it perhaps it will go away. But last night I broke down to my husband (he it the total opposite and never worries about things like this). He was so good, but he just doesnt understand. I try and explain its not a voluntary decision to worry like this, it just happens and I cant stop it. I have thoughts all day every day, I could be washing up and it pops into my head - im sure that niggling pain in my arm is getting worse etc etc
At the moment, I generally feel OK but I do have a few aches and pains. I recently had neck pain, I saw the doc he said tonsills were emlarged and I appeared to have been fighting a virus so that would explain neck ache as glands were swollen. But then I convinced myself I have pains in groin and armpits. I honestly cannt say if they are real or imagined, this is the hard thing. Your mind plays such tricks you just dont know if you really feel these things or if you are imagining them.
My husband says he will pay for me to have a full BUPA health check to put my mind at rest, but I'm too scared in case they find cancer or something. My biggest fear is having cancer and it being too late for treatment. But I'm still too scared to get check out properly.
I think I need to go to doc and tell him all this. Maybe it is a form of PND who knows, but I can' go on like this. My husband wants to buy a tent and go camping nect year with the kids, my first thought (although I didnt tell him) is I might not be around by then. Its no way to live.
by the way, I'm 35.
thanks
hi there
I know exactly how you feel. I am the exact same in every way.
I have had a course in cbt with adult psychology and it really helped. There is so much happening withhealth anxiety that is explained so well by psychoogists that its something that you should ask your gp for.
The whole sixth sense thing is a major part in keeping this problem going. I had big problems with this but the psychologist wiped that out for me super quick and since then i rarely if ever go withthat feeling. Basically its totaly rubbish and NOT POSSIBLE IN ANY WAY! Thats a fact. You DO NOT HAVE A SIXTH SENSE! As he said to me, its a major symptoms of anxiety and common to most types. The bottom line is that there is not one physical illness that includes the symptom ' just know that you have it!' humanbodies dont work that way. However the only condition that cuases you to think you know is anxiety! Its like the way that i bet you are now thinking that you keep seeing stuff relating to cancer everywhere and thats a sign? and that you should be paying attention to these signs because either
a. they are sent to help you?!?
b. if you dont then you are being irresponsible
c. you will pay for it later
any of this ringing bells for you?
This happens becuase your brain is design to protect you yes, but only from the things that you programme it to beleive are a risk to you. Theere is a part of your brain, i think its called something liek the reticulating something or other and its works by allways searching for things in the environnemetn around us that we belive are important for our survival, stuff like looking out for cars when we cross the road blah blah. Its allstuff that we have been told are dangerous. You have basically trained this sytem that cancer is a big risk for you.
You now have to allow your mind to foget this. Allow it to forget to look for and think about cancer. The best way to do this is to allow the anxiety to come and go and dont try to deal with it at all. Like a craving the fear will rise and fall and get smaller each time that you dont react and it will eventually go. Try relaxation methods and removing as much uneeded stress as possible while you are doing this.
The first step is taking a leap of faith that there is a very large possibility that all that is wrong with you is anxiety. Then go with it
Good Luck
Lisa
xxxxxxx
hi,
the first time i had a panic attack i was 24 and also landed myself in hospital thinking i was having a heartattack.
a vegeterian, non-smoker-athelete having a heart attack didnt quite make sense but there you go.
i also thought i had leukaemia at one point and was too scared to have blood tests.. and i landed up being severely anaemic.
a few months past and i forgot about it- i didnt even realise i had health anxiety or panic attacks until almost a year later when it all happened again... panic, tingling in my feet and numbness...
i diagnosed myself with ms and freaked out... went to the doctor who told me i had anxiety.
i decided to stop seeing dr. google and try research anxiety instead. so every pain and niggle i feel - yes i freak out- but then i come to this site and see what everyone else is saying and it makes me feel so much better.
currently i am back on my cancer thing.. and i have an aching leg at the moment. but i have internal arguments with myself like:
i am vegetarian i could most very likely be anaemic.
the aching leg:
i live in insane heat at the moment and thats probably deydrating and i do a lot of exercise so that probably doesn't help.
when all else fails i hang out on this website and it puts things in perspective. everyone has the same story...
and you are not a nutter. and you are not going mad.
i'm 26.
feeling your pain hun, you are not alone xxx
Hey, so glad I read your stories! I am 24 and got married back in June. Up until then I was 'fine'. For what felt like no reason I had a panic attack less than 2 weeks after my wedding and its all gone from one step to another since then! For years my doctor and even family members have suggested that my waves of GP visits are stress related and I wouldn't have it! It used to get me more and more angry because I wasnt making it up and being a psychology student etc and understanding the human mind, how could I possibly have an anxiety problem? Following a huge list of stresses in the last 3 years I was beginning to thrive off of the stress and people kept saying that I needed to find me time so that things didnt come as a shock when the wedding was over...I didn't listen and now I'm sat here having a 'bad day' because I have developed the big 'C' word again and this time it is in my throat! So far in less than 3 months I have had it in my breast, glands, brain and ovaries to name a few!!! I have finally accepted that I may have had this tendancy for years and maybe the doctors had been right all this time but now I have soooo much time on my hands I spend every hour in my own mind thinking about how I feel and what I have and then looking it up!!! It's not like me at all and its even to the point now where I have had questions in my head about if my job working with animals on a farm is doing me any good!!! I could be breathing in all sorts and that can surely trigger throat cancer!!! The thruth is I love my job and I'm animal mad...in some ways the peace on the farm is my one escape but it has also become another place where I can fill in the silence with worrying thoughts and fears!!! I know none of it is as bad as I make it out because on good days my pains and worries are virtually gone but when I realise they are gone I start thinking again because how could I be so careless as to ignore these 'serious symptoms'?!!!
The sensible part of my brain says I should have years of good health and 6 months ago my attitude would have been 'oh sod it I'll worry when I know I have it' but that thought has gone and left me! I am better than I have been but the last few days have felt like a step back! It does help being able to read so many other having virtually identical thoughts!! I'm 24, vegetarian, 'healthy', good fitness, dont smoke or drink and never have...but still that doesnt enter my head when I'm throwing scary things around inside my head!!!
x
@dupe...
i also don;t smoke or drink and never have and was veggie for 15 years ( animal mad too!) before 1 year break and now i am again.
i also never connected this to my anxiety before but a few years ago i used to be orthorexic... obsessed with eating healthy all the time. i used to measure portions etc not eat out..
that has passed but this health anxiety has replaced it. atleast thats how i see it.
i was interested to read that you also lead a very healthy lifestyle. i wonder if health anxiety has a link somewhere..!
i mean the non-smoking and drinking and being veggie has always been a part of me- with no concious thought of being healthy- but maybe it evolved somewhere in my sub concious and has now come out in extreme behaviour.
just a thought.
Hi everyone
OMG I actually have tears in my eyes reading this because I am just like all of you. I thought I was going crazy!
I also have a little boy who is 2 and a half and since having him I worry about dying all the time...it is seriously taking over my life. All my panic is based round that. a woman collapsed in the street the other day across the road from my work and omg I completely panicked and had a massive panic attack.
I dont so much concentrate my panic on the c word I have to say my health anxiety is about just dropping down dead. I am kinda freaking now cause all you guys seem to panic and worry about a health condition where as I dont and more seem to worry about the dying part. What is wrong with me?!
I am also seriously concerned about my eating...I am hardly eating anything. I am scared to eat. Dont get me wrong I could do with losing a lot of weight but I honestly do think this is the best way to do it but I still keep doing it.
I dont want to speak to anyone about it. I already feel like everyone thinks I am a hyprocrandiac and am not - well at least I dont think I am?
I spoke to the doc about my worry of dropping down dead and he said to me that it is actually a perfect normal worry to have and that most people have this passing thought but my prob is that I focus on it. It maybe starts as a fleeting thought and I seem to grab hold of it and then think that it is going to happen.
I honestly cant see a way out at the moment. How can medication stop me from thinking that I am going to drop down dead?
I have also noticed that I never used to worry about illnesses (apart from I have always had a massive paranoira about a blood clot in the leg) but kind of this year I have started to notice that I am starting to worry about that also. Which then makes me think - maybe something is seriously worng with me?!
Sorry I have kind of gone on here but just need to get it all out. I guess I want people to come back and tell me that I am not crazy and that the thoughts I am having are completely irrational - but are they?!!!
Thanks for reading!!
xxx
worrywort123
04-09-10, 00:12
Hi
Sorry you are feeling so fed up - its so helpful to post your feelings on this site and know other people are out there experiencing exactly the same worries and fears. Its good to know you are not alone.
YOu must speak to your doctor again. It doesn't matter what your health worry is, whther its a fear of dropping down dead, or getting the big c, or something else, its all the same thing - health anxiety. And everyone on this forum suffers the same feelings. You are not alone, but don;t let it ruin your life. Your doctor will understand and wont judge you.
I only posted my first message today and since then I have had some wonderful replies from people who suffer and feel the EXACT same thoughts as me. It has made me realise I MUST talk to someone professional about this, to help me try and stop worrying about something that might not happen so I can enjoy the life I have.
x
cornishpixie
04-09-10, 10:50
Thank-you to all that have replied, at last I know that im not alone, this site is fantastic, Rach x
serendipity
04-09-10, 13:55
I sound just like you all too and actually cried reading all your posts. My anxiety was triggered after the birth of my baby and I still cannot come to terms with it as it some days I feel like a shadow of my former self.
I just wish it would go away, its making my life a misery and I used to enjoy it so much.
It is so reassuring to see your not alone though.
Seren:)
Hi. Just been reading this thread and I thought I would share my experiences....
Im a 28 year old male, who has Health Anxiety. I have had it for over a year and it is truly awful. I have convinced myself that I have had every illness known, yet my greatest fear is Cancer. One of the worst things for me is that I am a medical professional therefore I have a great knowledge of signs and symptoms of illness....and I concince myself I have them all. When I first developed health anxiety I would not accept that I had it. I convinced myself it was something physical. I was obsessed I had lung cancer. After copious amounts of visits to the GP, I was diagnosed with no physical problems. I became depressed. I went on sick leave from work. I got prescribed anti-depressants. I was a mess.
A year on.....
I still suffer from Health Anxiety. Its with me everyday but I manage it differently, and its not always as intense as it was before. I still worry about cancer, I still worry that I have been misdiagnosed. I still worry that I am going to drop dead at any point. But I manage it.
How?
-I exercise at least 3 times a week. Cardiovascular exercise is most helpful.
-I try and rationalise my thoughts. I talk myself through my symptoms and challenge them. For instance, if i have lung cancer or some physical illness how would I manage to do an intense fitness class for an hour, or run for miles?
-I try to eat healthy.
-I try to have some 'me' time.
-I talk to people about my worries and concerns. It helps.
-I avoid searching any of my symptoms on the internet. It is not helpful and makes my worries 100 times worse (VERY IMPORTANT).
-I read forums such as this one, and read other peoples symptoms / experiences. It makes me realise that we all suffer from similar symptoms.
-I keep myself busy.
-I limit my alcohol intake (its amazing how all my symptoms disappear when I have alcohol, yet are very intense the day after)
-I record all of my symptoms at the end of the day. I also score how my overall mood has been that day (1-low - 10-Bright). I also record with my symptoms anything significant that has happened that day, such as having to do a presentation in front of others or attend a really important meeting. You will be amazed how your mood affects your anxiety. I then look at all my symptoms and attempt to realise how irrational some of the symptoms I have had!
-I stopped taking an anti-depressant as I felt this made my symptoms worse (as the side effects of these can produce weird symptoms - many wont notice these, yet those with health anxiety most probably will).
-I do things i enjoy: play the guitar, the piano or listen to music.
-I do not avoid thinking about my symptoms / anxities as they will be more intense.
-I avoid visiting the GP on a frequent basis as this just feeds into the anxiety cycle.
I am not cured. I think it will be a long time before I am, but as the months have progressed I have began to mange it. I live my life with this 'demon' in my head, but I am controlling it. As soon as I 'master' one symptom, another comes along. I am about to commence Cognitive Behavioural Therapy as the research proves this helps.
I genuinely empathise with all anxiety sufferers. People who dont have this condition dont understand what it feels like....but I wouldnt want them too! Keep strong and try some of the techniques I have outlined.
If I can provide any advice etc to anyone please get in touch. Lastly, I cannot emphasise enough the importaance of not searching your symptoms on the internet....I know its addictive and offers short relief, yet in the long run it will make your anxieties worse!
One more thing....anxiety really can make you experience all of these pains, symptoms that you are getting.
Keep strong :)
I know EXACTLY how your feeling. My husband and family cant even understand the hell I go through daily. Im terrified of cancer and dying from it. Im 23 have a one year old daughter and this should be the happiest time in my life. But thanks to my severe fears and irrational thoughts this happy time has become my hell. I worry constantly that the drs are missing something, every ache i assume is related to cancer. I have a tendon on my ankle that is slightly enlarged and has been for years. I have been to countless drs begging them to tell me im ok and its not cancer. And everyone of them have given me the answer i so want to hear but I STILL DONT BELIEVE THEM and I keep worrying that they are missing something. I look at my husband and daughter and worry what would happen to them if im gone, also I think about if I were told I had only months to live what kind of notes I would write my daughter for all the important events in her life. The biggest fear of cancer is dying from it because I am not ready to die, I have so much I want to do and explore and I wish for one day I could be cancer free. It drives my family away from me, I have no close friends anymore, and even my drs think im a nut. Its so sad, and isolating. I want to be the best mother and wife possible but always in the back of my mind is my anxiety trying to tear the joy from me. You are not alone and Im so sorry your suffering like many of us out there. :weep:
I'm exactly the same. My fear is the C word and it all started 4 years ago, 9 months after I had my daughter. I found a mole on my shoulder and started to worry what if it's skin cancer and it all spiralled from that. I kept thinking what if I die, what will happen to my little girl. :( The worst thing is the mole has never changed in 4 years and I keep thinking, would I be suffering from HA now if I hadn't obsessed with the damn thing.
These days I try my best not to Google, although I did slip up last week, which made my anxiety heighten. Between Google and all the adverts that come on TV when you're least expecting it always make things worse so I try to avoid them as much as possible. I've taken up Yoga to help me relax and I like creative writing which is like a form of escapism and helps me switch off.
I am having one of my 'moments' as I call them right now but compared to previous 'moments' I feel like I'm handling it better. Right now I'm worrying about cervical cancer, even though I had an all clear smear last year. I think what is making me more anxious this time is if the doctor offers to send me for an ultrasound on the premise that it might make me stop worrying but it won't. I'd be happier if the doctor just said, your symptoms are nothing to worry about, it's just one of those things, it's hormonal, it's your age (I'm 36) rather than me have to go through the anxiety I'd get from waiting for an ultrasound.
And I agree with what other people have said. It's definitely good to talk to others about it.
Anxiety of any kind primarily stems from fear of the unknown....what would happen if? What if I dropped down dead? What if I have an illness? What if the drs are missing something? What would my family do if I died? Its all about uncertainty, worrying about the unknown. Some people deal with the 'unknown' well, whilst others (such as many people on this site) dont. Its the obsessional and automatic thoughts that tend to make people suffer, i.e., you see a spot on your leg...your thoughts begin, then they become obsessional and automatic. By this happening your mind (and you) begin thinking irrational and exagerated fears. You worry, then obsess, then the cycle begins. Then something else comes along and it all starts again! A good way of understanding your own anxiety cycle is to draw it on paper. Then when your anxiety begins you can identify what is happening and what will happen next. Techniques such as these are taught to anxiety sufferers and sometimes helps!
I often reflect upon people who actually have something physically wrong wiith them....they get on with it and deal with it. Yet us anxiety sufferers constantly worry that something is wrong with us...when in most cases there isn't! More so, if any of us actually had something wrong with us we would probably deal with it! Its the 'what if' that tortures us though!
You've made some really good points in your posts, Craig - it sounds as though your approach is very similar to mine. I guess that all we can really do it take it one step at a time and accept that we're going to have relapses.
It's very true that general mood affects anxiety; I also find (as a female type!) that it's also driven by hormones, which is very frustrating as there's not really much can be done about them.
Keep us posted as to how you get on - and welcome.
amandy1979
21-09-10, 19:28
hi there, i have the exact same problem as all of you and just move from one worry to another, with no relief inbetween this started with me having panic attacks 5 years ago, which i overcame but now have contant health worry, at the moment my shoulders and neck ache from constant stress , which i am beginning to worry may be more than stress, ie checking for glands etc, although i can acknowledge that its health anxiety it doesnt make me stop worrying, it sucks the enjoyment out of everything, i wonder whether its worth going to gp to get medication but feel i should try and find a way to deal with it without.
Hi everyone, first post here. Needed to join in on this one as this is right in my ball park.
I am a 36 year old male, amrried with two gorgeous little girls. Having the same issue, worried about leaving my girls and specifically dying of cancer.
It's strange for me because heart disease runs strongly in my family and already have a high cholestrol reading. But for some reason I am not bothered by this, it's cancer that gets me every time.
At the moment I've got two classic anxiety related cancer thoughts, food getting stuck (reflux) but to me food pipe cancer and loose stools (Ibs) to me bowel cancer. I know the stats and chances but it still hampers me enjoying my daily life, instead of laughing and having fun with the kids, I spend way to much time worrying about whether i will be there next year.
My 'trigger' for health anxiety was several op's about 14 years ago, befor i had these problems i never saw the doc and was fine. Then i felt a pain in one of my testicles one day day, went to the doc turned out to be torsion(twisted) had to have emergency op. Then in the same year followed 3 more ops, appendix, bleeding eye, and fish bone stuck in throat. Mad eh. But this changed my mindset, from thinking that a slight headache was nothing to oh it must be drastic.
My doc has helped with the HA over the years and I'm generally better than I was, having a second batch of CBT soon. The important thing I find is when you get your headache(or watever it is) try and get positive thoughts in before the negative ones. Then drop it and slowly you will convince yourself that it's just a tension headache.
I do really really hope you can find some comfort soon and it does'nt cause any of you too much grief... Take care...
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