Anxious over teenage son's devastation

[Rosie82]

Hi

I wonder if anyone has felt like I do at the moment. I suffer with anxiety, sometimes HA but probably general anxiety more so. It has been quite bad over the last year I am currently on trazodone to help this. I have a wonderful husband, who doesn’t suffer with anxiety, and is very patient and understanding. We have 2 teenage sons 14 and nearly 18, and I find I worry about them so much. The eldest’s girlfriend has just finished with him and he is devastated. I can’t seem to cope with his devastation as well as my own anxiety which because of this has gone through the roof. I am having panic attacks and have to face going back to work tomorrow after 6 weeks off. (I work in a school). I am trying to support him as much as possible but it breaks my heart to see him so upset. Of course everything he says I am analysing and coming up with the worst possible outcomes, like he will get depressed, drop out of college, have no job etc etc. Please has anyone out there been through this sort of anxiety about their teenager, and come through it? Any words of comfort will help.:weep:

[baileys]

I can remember feeling the way you do when my sons girlfriend split with him.
He was devastated and i couldn't cope with how he was feeling.
My anxiety shot through the roof, i couldn't sleep or eat and i felt really scared, i tried to say everything right but whatever came out of my mouth was wrong.
Looking back at it now i think i presumed that he was feeling the same as me, but he wasn't, he doesn't suffer from anxiety so the only thing he had to deal with was the loss of his girlfriend and not all the feelings that i was experencing.
He will be fine as all kids go though this at some point but as a mum its not nice to see.

[Rosie82]

Hi Baileys
Thank you for replying to my post. I think you have hit the nail on the head, i am assuming that he is feeling as i am, when probably he is not. He does talk to me, and says that it helps him, but I still feel inadequate! I manage to keep it together when I chat with him, but crumble the moment he is out of earshot. My friends and family say how he is acting and feeling is perfectly normal given the circumstances, it is my reaction to his upset that isn't normal. :wacko: and I know they are right.

[sb001f8994]

Hi
Ive nursed both my sons through broken hearts and I think its the thought of helplessness thats so hard. I did all I could, kind words, hugs, tending their every need in case they couldnt be bothered. I never thought they would recover but eventually they do only to fall in love again and for it all to happen once more. I now have my daughter, at seventeen, reaching that same delicate age of finding love and sadly sometimes losing it...of dear they so often say the joys of mother hood, I think they forget to tell us of the woes!
Your son will recover and be stronger because of your love, support and understanding.
Take care,

[diane07]

My 18 year old daughter is going through the same thing, so i know how you feel. Then after they split it all turned nasty and she got really upset, its very hard watching those we love get hurt.

As long as he knows you are there for him he will get through it.

As for us, we just have to make sure we don't get too stressed by it all as it only fuels the anxiety.

di xx

[eternally optimistic]

Hi Rose

I can relate to your fears, I too have a son who is 16 and the last year for him as been "iffy" to say the least.

He has been into trouble, just lost his way and confidence and I wonder if sometimes he has my traits with the anxiety.

My biggest thing with both my children is that I anticipate their every bit of sadness, anxiety, glumness, you name it I feel it!!!!!!!

TO MAKE MATTERS WORSE, I DONT THINK THEY FEEL THE PAIN IN THE FIRST PLACE. SO, I HELP NO-ONE BY FRETTING LIKE I DO. ALL I DO IS CREATE AN ANXIETY IN ME AND THEM!!!! :(

I know I am doing the above too and still cant change.

I think because we care and are sensitive people that we are like we are - it's better to be like that and not care at all.

I hope you and your son are good and that work wasnt soooo bad. 6 weeks off, you lucky devil.

Take care.

[Rosie82]

Thanks Carol and Di for your replies. It is comforting to know that others have been through it and have survived. I find it is hard not getting stressed and anxious, i just hope I don't pass my anxiety on to him, that is my fear at this moment in time, although in 10 minutes it could be something different! I really wish i didn't get so overly anxious about things, especially things that might never happen. xx

[Rosie82]

Jackie - Thanks for your message. Work was ok, in fact I am better if I have got something to occupy me! now at home and my son has come back from visiting his grandparents, (who reassured me that he had been ok all day), only to burst into tears and hug me. He says nothing has changed and that it just comes over him from time to time. He has now gone into his bedroom and is on the social networking sites. He has eaten today and he has been shopping to buy some food that he likes (not the healthy stuff mum buys!) so I am relieved that he is eating more now, at first he completely lost his appetite and of course I worried myself silly that he would never eat again and waste away! My thoughts just seem to focus on the negatives and dismiss the positives, I do try the CBT techniques I have learn't sometimes they help, sometimes they don't. I guess all that he is doing is normal behaviour in the circumstances. He says he is looking forward to going back to college in a couple of days, I am terrified for him, I wonder if he will cope. Sorry to go on. xx

[eternally optimistic]

Rosie

I truly think you are being a caring mum.

I can relate with your reactions, and you just want your kids to be happy.

You might need to remind yourself, just like I do, that your kids need to learn how to deal with certain situations, good and bad, and they need to do it their way.

I am sure once he is back at college that he will start to resume his life in a way that reassures you too.

Take care and try not to worry too much - I am sure that as long as he knows you are there for him then that is all he needs to know.

[Rosie82]

We have just found out that my son can't stay at college. He went back for the first day, (they had agreed his study plan and given him a timetable) they rang him that evening and told him that one of the subjects he was studying didn't want him as his exam marks aren't good enough and his attendance at the end term was not good. He is not too worried but I am terrified.

He is able but doesn't work at all! If he thinks he can't do something so he ignores it instead of asking for help. He could do it but I guess it is easier to say he can't, no effort needed.

My husband is taking him to connexions later today to see what they suggest. Has anyone got boys who don't put in effort even though they could do well? He just doesn't seem to have any motivation. He is quite unsure of himself in certain circumstances, he is not a 'laddish' boy, so I don't think he could tolerate a building site or that sort of environment, otherwise i would encourage him to do an electricians or plumbing course.

All sorts of thoughts, all exaggerated, are going through my mind, what if he doesn't get a job, what if he hates it, what if........etc. I wish i could just stop these thoughts. I know the problem is really with me, I feel so low, and just need lots of reassurance that he is 'normal', and lots of mums and dads have been through it, with their teenagers and they have gone on to suceeded, got a career or a job.

By the way he has told me 'he is ok now' about the split with his ex girlfriend, and certainly seems happier!

Thanks for reading.