What to do with my life:-(

[Lissy43]

Feel free to move this, I had no idea where to post this.

I suffer from health anxiety, have done on and off for years. I have had CBT, meds when it made me depressed 6 yrs ago..... I felt so much better last year. I was in university doing a nursing degree, I got through he first year and hubby and I split during this time. I ended up in an awful mess, started seeing someone else, ended up pregnant, pregnancy didn't go the way I thought it would, I considered abortion and actually went to the clinic for the consultation and scan, where i was told the baby had never grown but I needed the op to remove the empty sac. I went through it awake (worst and most terifying day of my life). I am terrified of surgery etc... so it was very scary for me, but I had to go through it:weep:

HUbby and I got back together, we have 3 children, everything that had caused our split had gone and we are now very happy. I am left with a horrible phobia of bleeding, so my periods freak me out an awful lot, my anxiety is sky high, i have this fear i will gush and bleed to death, it's horrible to feel like this. I have been this way since my first period after the op, it was so heavy.

My phobia got so bad that I left my degree, plus the man I had been seeing was in my cohort so I felt I had to stay away as it was unfair to myself, him and hubby to carry on studying with him there, even though I would never have had an affair, I actually was only seeing him 4 weeks and then ended things, it was 2 days later I realised i was pregnant, well so I thought:blush:

My kids are all fulltime in school now, I am at home all day feeling very lonely, ive no confidence to work due to my phobia. I feel so lost, no uni, no chldren around me. We talked about having another child last year, hubby had a vasectomy which i had changed my mind about but he still went ahead, this caused our split. So now we can't have children, and saving for the reversal is taking forever right now.

I just don't know if having another child is right for me after everything I have been through, is it just going backwards? but at the end of the day I worry I will always regret not having a 4th. I wanted a 4th a few years back, and because we couldn't the resentment grew, and grew towards hubby.

I always wanted to be a doctor, but with the childhood I had there was no way I could ever do it, so i married young, had children and that was my lot. I am proud of my children and my life, we want for nothing and i have married a good man who I love. I started nursing last year as a 2nd choice, I knew deep down it wasn't right for me though.

I am 31 soon, where is my life going? I feel my anxiety is stopping me having another child, studying or working. Today the tears just keep flowing, they won't stop everytime i think of my life, I am going nowhere and I feel I am just going backwards.

[Lynnann]

Hi Larna,

Don't really know what to say to this other I hope you feel a little better for writing it down and getting it off your chest.

http://i.orkutnow.com/albums/ff240/orkutnowscraps/orkutnow/en/scraps/hugs/hug_for_you.jpg

Lynnann:flowers:

[Granny Primark]

I would love to be able to give you advice, but im sorry I cant.
When things werent going the way I intended my mum always used to say "things happen for a reason"
:hugs::hugs:

[margaret jones]

Larna sorry you are feeling so mixed up and lost at the moment Like Lynn said things sometimes happen for a reason ? Try and write down all the good things in your life at this time Children /Hubby etc and compare them with all the problems that seem to be bothering you .
Then try and look at how you can make the problems into achievments you have done so much so far 3 lovely children who you love very much :hugs:

Hope you feel better and stronger very soon
Maggie xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[suzy-sue]

Im sorry you are feeling so low .Its hard when you look at life sometimes .Things somehow never work out how we,d have liked them too .You are still young enough to make something out of yourself . I would start with looking at ways to overcome your phobia .Have you had any kind of therapy either on the NHS or private ? Once you have sorted that out im sure you can start to decide what to do with regard to work or having another child .Sometimes when our children reach the age we no longer have them around all day the house can seem empty and the days can be a growing place for our thoughts .Too much thinking isnt good for you .It can lead to making the wrong decisions .and make us dwell on the negative points in our lives .Having a reversal of a vasectomy doesnt always prove to be successful and it can lead to more upset and dissapointment .But Im sure you are aware of that .You seem to need something to occupy your time ,not for lack of something to do .But an interest or something you do, just for you .It would help you feel better about yourself .You will only regain your self confidence by getting out there and doing something .Even if its one morning or afternoon a week to start with .Have you got a friend you could do something with ?Even a game of tennis or squash ,swimming .A part time course at college ..Voluntary work ? Its giving you part of your life back to be your own person .Its so common to get lost somewhere along the way bringing up children etc .First tho I would definately look into getting some help for your Phobia ,maybe Hypnotherapy or CBT .? see what your Dr says ..Things do sometimes happen as Lynn says for a reason .I believe that to be true as well .Good luck .Hope things improve soon luv Sue x

[Lissy43]

Thank you all very much.

I am having further CBT sessions, I had some 2 years ago which really helped at the time.

I don't think another child is the answer right now, and it isn't something I plan on rushing into. It is something we both want, but right now it isn't the right time. I hope time is still on my side when I do feel I am ready.

I think I need to decide on a career path, as I really do want to achieve my dream some day of having a good job and making my family proud. Nursing really wasn't for me, and i am so glad i left that now.

Thanks again, I think I just needed to get that off my chest.