Ambers
07-09-10, 21:17
I thought I would give a run down on my first day back at work after 4 weeks sickness (signed off work for anxiety)
Firstly I had to tackle to 20 min train ride to work - I have kinda bottled out as my husband came with me and took me to the doorstep of work. However even on the platform with him, I was shaking, had lump in my throat, and bad tummy problems. Twice I thought about going home to use the toilet and getting a later train, but both times hubby presuaded me that it was just 'nervous wind' (sorry TMI). Actually once on the train although nervous I was ok...but like I said had hubby with me and generally my fears tend to strike when I am alone.
I was a shaking mess once inside work, very tearful, and to be frank my bosses were quite worried and felt maybe I was coming back too early. I said that although I looked like a nervous wreck that I knew that if I didn't tackle being back at work that it would be another area that closed down for me and another place I would avoid. I had to stay!
When I actually walked into my office I could tell that eveyone was quite shocked at my appearance but I just smiled (a fake smile)..I have lost lots of weight, pale and spotty but probably the most worrying feature was that my whole body was shaking uncontrollably - and shock all day long ( I can barely eat without the food falling off the cutlery). I am not going to lie there were parts of the day where I felt so sick, losing it, and at one point I needed another female to take me to the toilet in case I fainted! But I did it.. by reminding myself that it was just the anxiety doing this and if I did have another panic attack then I would ride through it.
I tried to explain to a friend at work how I felt and asked them to imagine a fear that they have or something they wouldn't do such as jumping out of a plane - and how they would feel at that point. Well thats pretty much how I feel all the time and that anxiety is running through my body, and I cannot switch it off...there is no saying 'no' to that jump!
I managed to get the train home all on my own - but for so odd reason I dont seem to have a problem with that - it's kinda like I am going home to safety...strange!
However by the time I was home I was phyically drained - a huge blood blister came up on the roof of my mouth, legs were like lead and flu-like tiredness, probably all caused by the stress of the whole day. Although I was overall happy with my progress it certainly took it out of me and actually I felt quite depressed (almost like coming down from a high).
Next CBT on Thursday, I know I still have alot to face, there is so much I couldn't even consider attempting just yet.
Oh to be normal, I envy normality.
Firstly I had to tackle to 20 min train ride to work - I have kinda bottled out as my husband came with me and took me to the doorstep of work. However even on the platform with him, I was shaking, had lump in my throat, and bad tummy problems. Twice I thought about going home to use the toilet and getting a later train, but both times hubby presuaded me that it was just 'nervous wind' (sorry TMI). Actually once on the train although nervous I was ok...but like I said had hubby with me and generally my fears tend to strike when I am alone.
I was a shaking mess once inside work, very tearful, and to be frank my bosses were quite worried and felt maybe I was coming back too early. I said that although I looked like a nervous wreck that I knew that if I didn't tackle being back at work that it would be another area that closed down for me and another place I would avoid. I had to stay!
When I actually walked into my office I could tell that eveyone was quite shocked at my appearance but I just smiled (a fake smile)..I have lost lots of weight, pale and spotty but probably the most worrying feature was that my whole body was shaking uncontrollably - and shock all day long ( I can barely eat without the food falling off the cutlery). I am not going to lie there were parts of the day where I felt so sick, losing it, and at one point I needed another female to take me to the toilet in case I fainted! But I did it.. by reminding myself that it was just the anxiety doing this and if I did have another panic attack then I would ride through it.
I tried to explain to a friend at work how I felt and asked them to imagine a fear that they have or something they wouldn't do such as jumping out of a plane - and how they would feel at that point. Well thats pretty much how I feel all the time and that anxiety is running through my body, and I cannot switch it off...there is no saying 'no' to that jump!
I managed to get the train home all on my own - but for so odd reason I dont seem to have a problem with that - it's kinda like I am going home to safety...strange!
However by the time I was home I was phyically drained - a huge blood blister came up on the roof of my mouth, legs were like lead and flu-like tiredness, probably all caused by the stress of the whole day. Although I was overall happy with my progress it certainly took it out of me and actually I felt quite depressed (almost like coming down from a high).
Next CBT on Thursday, I know I still have alot to face, there is so much I couldn't even consider attempting just yet.
Oh to be normal, I envy normality.