Feel like I've been used

[Downsinthenorth]

Sitting here feeling very alone and full of self-pity. My relationship with my husband has been on the rocks for some time, and I've tried talking it through with him, but nothing seems to help.

Basically I am working long hours doing a pretty unpleasant job to earn money to renovate our house. Often I'm working at the weekends as well, while he works a Monday to Friday, 9 to 5'er, so we rarely have a day together. When we do do something together, it usually ends badly with a massive row and us not speaking to each other.

A few years ago I moved up north from the south coast for his career and so that he could live in his home town. He has family and friends here, and enjoys a pretty good social life while I very rarely get to go out. - although this is partly because I suffer from social anxiety and depression.

At the moment, all I am doing is working, and on my days off catching up with the housework and decorating, so that my life feels like a constant treadmill with nothing to look forward to. Now I wondering what the point of all this is as I am getting absolutely nothing out of the arrangement, and feel like I am about to plummet into another bout of full-scale depression.

I am not emotionally close with my family (who are down south), and I don't want to lose all my money which I invested in the mortgage for the house we share up here. He knows this, and knows that I've basically burned my boats, and that is why he is not listening to me when I tell him I'm unhappy with the way things are.

I'm not a saint by any means, and living with someone like myself who suffers from anxiety and depression is no picnic, but least he has his career, family and friends, while I feel like I have no-one to turn to.

Sorry for being such a wet blanket.

[ditzygirl]

You're not being a wet blanket, it's lonely if you suffer from anxiety and depression. I too have a rather unhappy relationship which I feel is very one sided - one person is making all the compromises and one person is full of empty promises.
I have no idea what the future holds but like you have been very down etc for a while.
I am know taking small steps to improve my life - I am the only person who can improve my situation so I eventually asked for help.

Luckily I have a fab GP and the sheer relief of sharing my feelings and getting some help is enabling me to see things more clearly.
The medication is allowing me to do more for myself so I am making lots of me time to walk in the fresh air and practice yoga. You have a lot on your plate and it maybe your husband is as unhappy as you are but men dont' talk or share do they ????

The fresh air and exercise is really helping me to relax, sleep and feel happy, I have way more energy and am achieving loads more. Oddly my partner has taken to joining for some of my walks and its proving quite helpful in improving our relationship.

I have tbh and say I was all for packing my bags and leaving but so far by helping myself I think I am helping our relationship. I am starting to think that I was more unhappy with myself than I realised.

Dont' beat urself up for your health issues - they can happen to anyone at anytime but there is help available and you are not alone and anxiety and depression are VERY VERY common!!!!

Maybe you have some tough choices to make but firstly you need to work on you and improving how you feel than you will see things a little clearer.

good luck and let us know how ur doingxxx

[Downsinthenorth]

Thankyou ditzygirl for taking the time to reply. Yes, I have thought about leaving, but I think it is me that I have the real problems with, even more than him, and I can't run away from myself.

I had thought about walking because it has helped me in the past when I''ve been bad. Although I would prefer to walk in the countryside, I'm a little bit worried about walking alone - even though I have seen plenty of women doing it up here. I have got a book with historic walks in Manchester though, and I could do that and then think about joining a walking club - although being with strangers is scarier for me than walking alone.

It is reassuring to be able to communicate with someone else who has gone through a similar experience, and is working through it. Thanks very much for the support and the good advice.

[ditzygirl]

You're very welcome, only a few weeks ago I was where you are just now. And I understand your concerns about joining a walking club etc that is exactly what I have been going through for a while. It's weird isn't it coz actually I like people and am quite sociable really but anxiety and depression changes you beyond all recognition. I am very lucky coz I live right by the sea and in the middle of countryside so walking is easy. The beach is the the one thing that will make me leave the house on my own and chat to other walkers without thinking about it.

How supportive is your Hubby ? my partner has been completely unsupportive but I have explained and explained how I feel and what its like and slowly he is beginning to understand and I am really making an effort. TBH if I was in his shoes I think I would be fed up with my anxiety issues so maybe I have been unrealistic and selfish.
But I have stood my ground over needing his support and finally I think he is listening.

I have suffered bouts of anx and depression for a long time and the one thing that bugs me is peoples lack of understanding, if you can't see someone is ill then they are putting it on!!!!
Anxiety and Depression is very real and hard to come back from but I really got a lot of comfort from my GP telling me it is very very common.
Keep your chin up and stay in touch - we can get through this !!!!!lolx

[antwigone]

hi there downsinthe north,
I am in a similar position. My partner left with no notice in late October. I was a locum worker and despite having a job offer from my "mindful employers"(mindful of nonsense?!)I have been left high and dry with the most appalling mental health I have ever experienced.
I made a serious suicide attempt which has freaked my employers further.
now am faced with selling my home as no income to speak of and at nearly 50 feel angry and let down by manager,ex partner and life in general. To top it all have now been diagnosed with IBS..not the sexiest condition, added to mood swings that render me either catatonic or manic.
If it wasn't so awful it would be funny. Everyday I am either on the phone to bank/building society or have arduous appointments trying to untangle it all.
The sertraline has helped and am seeing a therapist and cpn.
letter from baliff arrived on saturday, tried to contact him but no reply.Citizens advice bureau have started helping as well as a debt advisor but the letters keep coming, usually on saturday when i can't do anything about them.
My teeth have broken from the grinding and gnashing and I can't afford to repair them!!!Oh joy! If it wasn't for friends and family pitching in heaven knows where I'd be...
If you can hold on in there do it could get better.
I would love to say who my employer is they deserve naming and shaming, but I understand they are gagging employees and threatening the sack to anyone who dares to complain.
please keep in touch,wet blanket you are not..
love twigs x

[Downsinthenorth]

Hi ditzygirl

My husband's kind of support consists of giving me advice, and then getting angry if I don't immediately adopt his ideas. Told him yesterday that I didn't need that kind of "support", what I need is emotional support, just so I don't feel completely alone while I'm going through this.

Went for a short walk yesterday as the weather was so nice, but unfortunately he came too, and it was spoilt by us arguing. Found myself wondering what happened to the man he used to be - probably the same thing that happened to me, I guess.

So I went out again on my own to our local park, and came back feeling tons better. I think I need to regain my independence, which has been lost along the way, and this is probably part of the problem. I read somewhere once that when your relationship breaks down that all is not lost, you still retain 50% of the better part of it.

I'm glad you have a decent GP - all the ones I have seen at my local surgery have been really supportive too.

I feel better than I have for ages, and that's partly because I know that I can get support here, even if I can't rely on my husband.

Going walking again tomorrow even if it rains.

Big Hugs

[Downsinthenorth]

Hi antwigone

Felt really angry when I read your post, and found out how you've been treated by your partner and employers. Thank God you have decent friends and family to help you when you're vulnerable.

As if anxiety and depression weren't bad enough, on top of that it is so frightening when the people you think you can rely on let you down, and you are left to cope feeling alone and friendless. On a more positive note, you do find out who your real friends are, and it makes you more careful about trusting others in the future - that is something I'm going to try and take from this.

I was out of work last time I was sick, and I know about those letters. All my worst anxiety symptoms used to appear when I heard the post through the letter box, and I was too frightened to open any official letters, or answer the phone.

Hang on in there, antwigone, you will get through this. And I'm directing positive thoughts (what I have left to me) in your direction.

[ditzygirl]

Dear Downsinthenorth

WELL DONE - for going walking, I understand how hard it is and I think your right about getting your independance back!!!! I feel exactly the same way.

I too have considered seriously being single again and I came to the conclusion that I really need to work on me first before I start making big decisions. So I am just focussing on me. Selfish but necessary. This may sound nuts but I have considered using Relate too - you can speak to them about relationship issues and ur hubby doesn't have to be included or maybe it would help.

I also find this site fab too - you can always get support from people who really understand.

Keep up the good work and chat anytimexxx

ps where r u from in the South ? I am originally from Berkshire

[Downsinthenorth]

Hello ditzygirl

I didn't know you could use Relate without your partner/spouse - I thought you had to attend together. In the past, I've suggested marriage counselling, but my husband was dead set against it. When I've sorted myself out, I shall think about consulting them, as I've run out of ideas on how to sort us out.

I'm originally from Sussex, but we moved when I was a teenager to Dorset, and that is where my close family now live. Before we moved up here, we lived all over in Dorset, Hampshire and Wiltshire.

Downsinthenorth :)

[ditzygirl]

Hi Downsinthenorth

Well you can speak to Relate in Scotland without ur hubby/partner so I assume its the same for you???

Relationships aren't all they're cracked up to be are they ???? lol

Its a tricky one coz in sorting urself out may be affected by wots going on with ur hubby. I am fully aware of why I am in the situation I am in - ggggrrrr !!!!!

I've been walking today and the thing I love about living here is that people will pass the time of day with you - I went walking on my own and ended walking and chatting to some guy walking his dog. A real confidence booster - not chatting to some guy but chatting to anyone and just being more like the old me!!!!

Hope ur managing to get some quality you timex

[Downsinthenorth]

Hi ditzygirl

That's what I like about living up here - people will talk to you. It was a bit unnerving though when I first moved here. Oh and there's a tradition of walking up here so there's more people about, and it's probably not so risky walking on your own here.

Thinking about going down to Dorset to see the family in November to get a break from it all. I think I need some distance to get some perspective on the problems in my relationship.

Actually I'm already feeling better about everything, and I think it's because I've actually realised that I can't do anything about how he behaves, but can only change how I react to it. Basically I'm focussing on myself and leaving him to get on with it.

Hope all is well with you up in Scotland :)

[ditzygirl]

Hi downsinthemouth

Glad the walking is going well - i too am really feeling the benefits and I can't stop smiling, haven't felt like this for a long time.

Sounds as if a break will do you the world of good.

You sound as if you have control back - liberating isn't it. I too have taken that attitude and its helping big time. My partner has a poisonous exwife - you wouldn't believe how nasty she can be, I didn't break the marriage up so I have no idea what her problem is. Anyway I like you have taken to being chilled out about her and not getting stressed and its paying off coz partner is being more open with me.

Had a fab if rather blustery, wet walk today on the beach but it was invigorating too.

Keep in touch sweetiex

[Downsinthenorth]

Hi ditzygirl

Yes, toxic people like your partner's ex-wife can make your life an absolute misery, but only if you let them. You can try to give them the benefit of the doubt and make excuses for their behaviour, but that never seems to work. Shutting people out of your life until they either treat your appropriately or don't (in which you're better off without them), seems to be the only way. If you have to spend time with them try to switch off - I find that dead easy as I have a tendency to day-dream anyway.

Some of the best walks I have ever had have been on the beach when the weather has been really bad. Now I have to go up into the Peak District to "blow the cobwebs away". I'd love to go back to Whitby before this winter is over, as I spent a wonderful four days there last year. It's just my idea of what a seaside town should be (along with Lyme in Dorset).

And apologies for the rambling and largely off-topic post.

Downsinthenorth

[Downsinthenorth]

Hi paulmoldeeside

Yes, you are vulnerable when you're ill to being manipulated or even bullied by those close to you. The trouble is that you DO feel guilty for putting stress on your relationship, and then you try to over-compensate (or I do, anyway).

He has said that dealing with my anxiety and depression over a number of years has brought him down, and taught him to distance himself, and having lived with family members who suffer from the same problems, I can sort of understand this. There is an element of control in his behaviour, though. For instance, he knows that any form of rejection leaves me feeling particularly vulnerable because I have discussed this with him, and even though we actually get to spend little time together, he makes a point of taking every opportunity to spend even less time with me, and it hurts. This behaviour, our arguments and the fact that he can't (or won't) work with me on tackling our problems, left me feeling desperate.

Now I'm feeling tons better because I'm focusing on my needs, and just leaving him to it. The funny thing is that we are actually arguing less and being more civilised with each other, but if I'm really honest I don't think I like him very much any more. It isn't a very good sign if you're happier on your own than with each other, is it?

Glad, at least, that you have a supportive family - you are lucky to have them and they are lucky to have you. At the moment I'm getting all the emotional support I need from this website. :D

All the best
Downsinthenorth