cray-long-legs
01-03-06, 15:00
iv had a painc attack an collapsed every day so far this week- one monday at counselling when i was drawing a timeline of my life (mostly bullying), one yesterday evening in my room- mum doesnt know about those. And one today at school...thats why im at home...which sucks...cause it means i have to eat. Mum wants me to spend the day with her tomorrow cause she knows im back in a depressed mood and that im still cutting. I'd sorta like to....but me and her (my ed) would much rather not because it would mean we'd HAVE to eat breakfast and lunch and feel sick and bloated for the rest of the day....and we don't want to be fat for weigh in next tuesday (weekly). I'm also reli worried cs my peroids are reli irregular and its not even 2weeks since i had my last one (2weeks l8) an nw i seem to be on...bt its not normal na thngs dnt seem rite...its nt thr apart frm wen im going (sorry for the detail but im panicked- wot shall i do??!!)...an i cnt tell mum. im so embarrased. she keeps worryong ill stop.
I'm also worried cs im seein my consultant for the first time nxt week...an my counsellor dsnt think i can look after myself anymore..im worried ill have to go to hospital or something. im also not sure wether to accept anti depressants if they offer them- which my counsellor has vaguely tlkd abt. Ahhh i feel so ashamed. I nerli OD during the end of my PA yesterday....bt the thght of my counsellor is the only thing stopping me..and that sometimes i feel myself having a mild PA worrying about wot happens to you wen u die.
O yes also iv got to have another blood test....an last time (nov) ws awfull- i collapsed in the hospital and had a major PA an ws rushed thrgh to emergancy an attached to a heart/ oxygen monitor thingy. And this happened after all the physicking myself up i had done..and the nurse hadn't even brought out the needle! Were booking ahead this time so i can be laid flat an have an aenesthetic cream...but i know im still gonna have a PA woteva they do. gr8.
I visited and tried to post on the edauk website, but loadsa time it dsnt wrk..which is reli saddening.
iv gt quite quiet at school now...slowly fading away from everything and my friends..even my closest...an i hate bein around my family loads aswell.
Ahhh im just so confused....im so scared of living and dying....i want to be happy....but im not when i eat...iv given up thinking about getting better...i just wanna be thin or die (tryin). And i hate people telling me im ill all the time...i just don;t see it like they do (but i suppose that may be the power of the ed).....and worrying about me. Im sick of living.
You guys are so helpful here, you an my counsellor keep me going wen im giving up on life.
Hey Karen are you there? how are things going? You take care.
xxcrazy-long-legsxx
I'm also worried cs im seein my consultant for the first time nxt week...an my counsellor dsnt think i can look after myself anymore..im worried ill have to go to hospital or something. im also not sure wether to accept anti depressants if they offer them- which my counsellor has vaguely tlkd abt. Ahhh i feel so ashamed. I nerli OD during the end of my PA yesterday....bt the thght of my counsellor is the only thing stopping me..and that sometimes i feel myself having a mild PA worrying about wot happens to you wen u die.
O yes also iv got to have another blood test....an last time (nov) ws awfull- i collapsed in the hospital and had a major PA an ws rushed thrgh to emergancy an attached to a heart/ oxygen monitor thingy. And this happened after all the physicking myself up i had done..and the nurse hadn't even brought out the needle! Were booking ahead this time so i can be laid flat an have an aenesthetic cream...but i know im still gonna have a PA woteva they do. gr8.
I visited and tried to post on the edauk website, but loadsa time it dsnt wrk..which is reli saddening.
iv gt quite quiet at school now...slowly fading away from everything and my friends..even my closest...an i hate bein around my family loads aswell.
Ahhh im just so confused....im so scared of living and dying....i want to be happy....but im not when i eat...iv given up thinking about getting better...i just wanna be thin or die (tryin). And i hate people telling me im ill all the time...i just don;t see it like they do (but i suppose that may be the power of the ed).....and worrying about me. Im sick of living.
You guys are so helpful here, you an my counsellor keep me going wen im giving up on life.
Hey Karen are you there? how are things going? You take care.
xxcrazy-long-legsxx