chezpaul
12-09-10, 12:03
hello everyone.
i registered last night and understand it's good etiquette to introduce myself first.
i am a 37 year old man, married with two children.
one of four brothers, our mother died when i was four years old.
my eldest brother died when i was eight.
my childhood was awful - i was never even remotely close to happy as a kid. i never talked about any of our losses with the family and up until recently when i have talked to them all, believed i was the only one suffering and carried the entire weight of this myself.
it's understandable that this loss would have been difficult for any man to take and consequently, i experienced my father as cold and angry and violent. 'pathetic' has always been a word that has resonated for me throughtout my life and through therapy recently, i have learned that it was his parenting that has made me feel this way. for whatever reason, i was the lightning rod for all his anger - perhaps it was my being the youngest.
anyway, he died when i was 17. i may have been just on the brink of being able to talk to him.
i always felt inferior, second class. have never had any friends. my working life and relationships with people in general have always been poor.
a few years ago i went into full depression and began psychodynamic counselling. through this, i began to speak with my family and go to the grave.
in time, took ssri medication and eventually found the right one. that was february this year and with cbt therapy i felt 'cured' about a couple of months or so ago.
in speaking with the therapist, i learned that after a combination of medication and cbt, people who have come out of depression stop the cbt and carry on as normal. my take on this is that if it works, why not use it as a way of life anyway ? so despite the end of my treatment i continue to complete a cbt form for every one of 'those' events (you know what i'm talking about!)
i hope i've found the right place here at this forum. when i'm down, the feeling that 'i must be the only person in the world that feels like this' may be familiar to many people here and although i do not wish that feeling on anyone, i hope to find it a comfort that there are others out there going through this and we can be of help to each other.
thank you so much for taking time out to read this.
i registered last night and understand it's good etiquette to introduce myself first.
i am a 37 year old man, married with two children.
one of four brothers, our mother died when i was four years old.
my eldest brother died when i was eight.
my childhood was awful - i was never even remotely close to happy as a kid. i never talked about any of our losses with the family and up until recently when i have talked to them all, believed i was the only one suffering and carried the entire weight of this myself.
it's understandable that this loss would have been difficult for any man to take and consequently, i experienced my father as cold and angry and violent. 'pathetic' has always been a word that has resonated for me throughtout my life and through therapy recently, i have learned that it was his parenting that has made me feel this way. for whatever reason, i was the lightning rod for all his anger - perhaps it was my being the youngest.
anyway, he died when i was 17. i may have been just on the brink of being able to talk to him.
i always felt inferior, second class. have never had any friends. my working life and relationships with people in general have always been poor.
a few years ago i went into full depression and began psychodynamic counselling. through this, i began to speak with my family and go to the grave.
in time, took ssri medication and eventually found the right one. that was february this year and with cbt therapy i felt 'cured' about a couple of months or so ago.
in speaking with the therapist, i learned that after a combination of medication and cbt, people who have come out of depression stop the cbt and carry on as normal. my take on this is that if it works, why not use it as a way of life anyway ? so despite the end of my treatment i continue to complete a cbt form for every one of 'those' events (you know what i'm talking about!)
i hope i've found the right place here at this forum. when i'm down, the feeling that 'i must be the only person in the world that feels like this' may be familiar to many people here and although i do not wish that feeling on anyone, i hope to find it a comfort that there are others out there going through this and we can be of help to each other.
thank you so much for taking time out to read this.