Hi Everyone

[MrsCluggy]

Hi
I thought this would probably be the right platform for me to let go of my worries. My husband and I have been married for nearly 6 years and have a 5 year old son. I have suffered with anxiety for about a year and a half now and it's only recently that my husband has sort of distanced himself from me and joined the "pull yourself together" brigade. This makes any emotion that I feel for him very difficult to put into practice. I often look at him when he's doing something and I just think how much do I still love you and how much do you still love me. I am sure, at the very back of my mind, that we are just together because of our son. Unfortunately, fuel is added to my despair because he works in an environment of 'young fillies' who he has such a good rapport with and is the first person they call if a party is being organised. He is a very big character. Unfortunately, for me, I had to endure women coming up to him at the last Christmas party, sitting in MY chair when I wasn't there, one woman pulled up her shirt and shoved her belly ring in his face. I have to admit, I have checked his mobile phone on a number of occasions. Nothing was there, but it eased my conscience somewhat. However, he has just received yet another invitation to a birthday party, fancy dress, the theme being SUPERHEROES. As soon as he mentioned this to me I just saw thin, sexy girls all dressed as Wonder Woman and Cat Woman in Skin tight lycra, and me dressed as some dumpy old mother hubbard. I really, really don't want to go because as soon as I walk in the room I will want to burst out crying. A girl he works with has already phoned him telling him that she was going as Wonder Woman but her boobs aren't big enough to hold the costume up !!! Our sexual relationship is just totally non-existant. He hasn't come near me since last November and I really don't know how to approach him to try to get back on the "band wagon" as it where, because my anxiety, my low self esteem and depression just make it so difficult for me to feel happy about anything. I don't for one minute believe he is being unfaithful but I really do think it is just a matter of time before he can resist some thin, bubbly woman throwing herself all over him and him giving in. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to get out of this rut. Anyone got any ideas? I really am desparate.

If the opportunity doesn't knock .... build a door.

If the opportunity doesn't knock .... build a door.

[Ma Larkin]

Hi MrsCluggy, I can relate to everything you are feeling. I was in exactly the same situation as you a few years ago. I used to call myself a frump! My hubby was the life & soul & got invited everywhere. He never turned an invitation down, I went with him sometimes & felt so out of place. Each working environment has its "young fillies". I must admit a lot of it was in my mind, if he went to the bar & a girl was stood next to him & they were laughing together, as far as I was concerned they were having a full blown affair! I made some real enemies I can tell you because i'm not really the type to just sit there & let it go. I genuinely did make some big mistakes because of my accusations, so I decided I had to change. I felt that it was my fault, wondered where things had gone wrong, blamed the kids because we were fine until they came along, how awful is that. I used to sit there asking myself "why did he marry me, he must have loved me, why do things feel different now?", but you'd be surprised how common this is. Have you heard of the 7 year itch? This usually happens between 5-9 years of marriage, usually when the kids are young. You get in a rut, feel like you're going nowhere & that your marriage has gone stale, but you can get over it. I know its hard not to worry, your hubby probably thinks you need to pull youself together, because some fellas don't like confrontation, especially when we feel a bit depressed. The first thoughts are "he doesn't fancy me any more, which in turn makes us think why doesn't he fancy me, has he got someone else", and we could go on and on, until we scare ourselves to death. Look at your life MrsCluggy, you've had a baby, stopped working, your routine is now completely different from when there was just you & hubby, but then ask yourself how has hubby's life changed? It hasn't! Apart from having a little boy in both your lives now, you have made all the sacrifices, which is our motherly instinct. Your little boy is 5 now, you've got time to spend on yourself now he's at school. Try to be upbeat with your hubby, ask Grandma to have your son overnight & go out and have a light heart to heart, rather than having a go when he comes home from work. We all go through stages where sex is a no-no but you can get it back if you both make an effort & realise that you have something special, you have a home, a little boy & you have each other. I'm sure you are worrying about nothing, & this will sort itself out. We all go through uncertain times, but normally we are worring about nothing & can put it behind us.

Good luck.

Les

[tnt808]

Hi MrsCluggy,

I feel for you. My husband and I went through something similiar just last year. We have been great for a year now. What tends to happen in a marriage especially when you have children is that we become all too consumed with other things. As mothers we put ourselves last. Our family is our main concern, we just don't have the time or energy to pretty ourselves up. Men are such visual creatures that it probably does play a part in how they look at us. Like the previous post said they were a "frump" well, my husband told me "wow you look really frumpy". I thought you're right! But still didn't have the energy to change it. He has since realized being comfortable is a slice of heaven. A marriage is so hard to maintain, and on top of you having depression and anxiety, i'm just sorry this is what you are having to deal with. If you talk to your husband make him feel a little bit more involved that will give him at least the tools to try and understand. Remember too that children join OUR lives, we don't join theirs (easier said than done, I know). Try to get back on the same page as hubby.
Good luck,

Tina

[sal]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

I can appreciate how you are feeling and i know how hard it is.

It isnt easy when you feel anxious to not expect the worse but hold on to the fact that people were coming to him and you have checked his mobile and nothing was untoward.

I know we can torture ourselves and he could seem distance only because he feels he cant give you the support you need as he doesnt completly understand.

Talk to him and tell him how you feel he might feel as lost as you at the moment. He is your husband and he is there to support you and you need reassurance that he is and i am sure he will give you that and your doubts will become totally unfounded.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".