I am a failure today

[Ambers]

Hi,

I am afraid this is not a good post.

Thought I was doing so well and felt really good despite a few minor illness setbacks.

I got the train all on my own today for work (last time on my own had an almightly panic attack). I really was postive on the platform and all the CBT I have learnt so far I wanted to put into practice.

I sat down on my seat and it pretty much came staight away - my chest felt cold and heavy like I was carring a brick inside me, this spread around my body and I concentrated so hard on this feeling, examining it. The journey was really unpleasant and I got up to get off my legs where heavy. Damn glad to get off and get to my office but things fell apart - I just couldn't handle the pressure and broke down in tears. I felt so dissapointed with myself. I did actually get through the day and did calm down but the doom sense of failure has already set in and I am now feeling sorry for myself and I hate that when there are people starving in the world - I live in a safe environment, with food, shelter and my family around me... this cannot be said of all the poor people in Pakistan after the floods (and before) ... I am hating myself.

When I was standing on the platform I felt that wanted to chuck my fear under the rails of the train. I wished it would go and I wished it would never ever come back. I want to cry all the time but I don't want my child brought up in an unhappy enviroment, I want him to be confident, safe and happy, it' hard hiding.

So if this is rambled and doesn't make sense, too many tears today but tomorrow may be a whole lot better, hey?

[agnes]

Dear Ambers

What stands out for me in your post is that you got through your working day! I think that is incredibly brave considering how you were feeling. It's not failure, Ambers, it's a wonderful achievement.

That said, I'm really sorry your day was so difficult for you :hugs:

[paula lynne]

You did well getting on that train, thats very positive. Well done Amber and nice to meet you. x:blush:

[Vixxy]

Hi Ambers.
At the moment you are viewing your world through a veil of negativity. As the people above me have said, youve done some amazing things today!!
You got on a train and faced your fears AND then you went to work. Getting on a train and doing a journey would probably be enough for most of us in one day, but you went even further and spent a day at work.
So what that you cried? you did it! Its not going to be easy the first time or the time after that, but each time you do it you need to pat yourself on the back and say "I DID IT!"

My suggestions for you would be to take a note pad or a diary and write down each positive thing you do each day. It doesnt matter if you cry, shake, tremble or panic when you do them... just note the positives. So today would be
Day 1: I went on the train into work and stayed the whole day.

As the saying goes. Turn that frown upside down! Keep noting the positives and eventually the negatives will fade.

[jude uk]

I agree, you got on the train and made the journey. The focus is not on how you managed that but on how you felt....You suddenly think your a failure....I am sure in the back of your mind was all the feelings of that last panic attack and in a sense you were waiting to have an attack. You expected an attack and any trigger would have brought it on. Yet the more times you do the journey the less the fear will have control over you.
I have to make an hour train journey there and an hour back, at first it was hellish but I kept at......I had no choice but to keep doing it and that was the push that kept me going. Your push is your job and over time you will be able to cope better and better. I always read a book on the train and that calms me down


keep at because you will beat this:hugs:

[Ambers]

Thank you for all your replies - I had to bring work home with me and just finished so I am shattered but happy it's finished. That is a positive..:)

[heavenly]

Yet the more times you do the journey the less the fear will have control over you.

I have to make an hour train journey there and an hour back, at first it was hellish but I kept at......I had no choice but to keep doing it and that was the push that kept me going.


This is so true, my counsellor said we have an emotional vault. Everytime we do something, or manage something, no matter how small, it goes into our emotional vault, so the next time we try it or try something different, we draw on that last experience from the vault, whether we are conscious of it or not. We then remember we got through it before, and it gets us through the next thing, and then on and on, getting stronger each time.

Ambers - hope you are ok today hun, you are doing so well! :hugs:

[Kell]

I agree with everyone else. You're not a failure. You got through the day & faced your fears. You didn't run away.
Try to take the positives from each day. I keep a journal & make a note of what was good about the day - no matter how small it may seem.

And don't work too hard either! I noticed from the time of your post that you finished your work late after working all day! Make you take time out for relaxation

Try not to be so hard on yourself.

Kel
x

[Ambers]

Thank you again for your words of support. I did have a much better day today. My husband did take me on the train to work again as I was so phyically exhausted I really counldn't have coped and had a presentation to do at work so needed to be clear and calm. The day went so much better and I was pleased. Luckily I only work a short week so the rest of my week is now being mum again (most important job of all). I will tackle the train on my own again next week...now for getting myself to the supermarket!!!! I wished so much to be fear free but I believe anxiety may be a part of me that I need to accept and learn to live with.

[heavenly]

Thank you again for your words of support. I did have a much better day today. My husband did take me on the train to work again as I was so phyically exhausted I really counldn't have coped and had a presentation to do at work so needed to be clear and calm. The day went so much better and I was pleased. Luckily I only work a short week so the rest of my week is now being mum again (most important job of all). I will tackle the train on my own again next week...now for getting myself to the supermarket!!!!

I wished so much to be fear free but I believe anxiety may be a part of me that I need to accept and learn to live with.

You managed work AND a presentation? :ohmy: Makes you superwoman in my eyes!!! :winks:

Your last paragraph is exactly how I feel, let us both hope that it will diminish in time and get easier. One day at a time, we'll get there! xxx

[Nigel]

Hi Ambers,

I read your post yesterday but by that time loads of people had already said what I was going to – that there was an awful lot of positives in there too. And now today... failure!!? NO WAY :yesyes:

It’s funny how we all find different things easy and hard. I don’t suffer with the kind of panic and anxiety that a lot of people here do. For me the supermarket would be no problem. And the train – I could do the actual journey ok but because I haven’t travelled by train for ages and don’t think I ever have on my own, I’d worry about things like buying the ticket in case I say or do something silly and look foolish. I bet you can do that bit no problem. And you almost brushed off giving as presentation as if it was nothing. No way could I do that :scared11:

So you see, we can all do loads of things that others find difficult, and at the same time struggle with things that others find easy.

Well done :)
Nigel

[paula lynne]

:yahoo::yahoo:Hi Amber..youve had a better day..that great x:) I went to asda today and didnt get a panic attack!! take that bloody agoraphobia, and I dont take meds..just had my paper bag. I feel very dizzy admittedly, but didnt rush, and hubby was lurking close by. I DO hope you will try to give it a go, prepare beforehand if you need to. Go after 8pm if poss. YOU CAN DO IT IF I CAN!! xxxxxxxxxxxxxx