feel as thou i will never be "normal"

[pete69]

hi,
quick synopsis...sa @ 14- dad left home-docs said that was probs what started it, hated the last 2 years of school after that,went on to gov training schemes-always the shy one -but i wasnt shy-i was loud but hated eating with others,and always found ways to avoid it.

spent most of my adult years unemployed,done postwork,tesco night shift,all lasted a few weeks..couldnt get over that eating thing-if we didnt stop for food im sure i would of stuck at em!

finally found my best sa job..work for myself doing gardening,worst part was some clients made tea n called you in to sit round kitchen table:blush:
i must have looked awkward-always felt it.
ok things have moved on i have a good buissness(typo) with the garden maintenance-i work 5 full days a week with the same clients so i know them all now and i feel ok.
have been on phenelzine(nardil)for 1.5 years but i feel its just not kicking it anymore-im ok if i take clonazepam with it but on its own it just makes me shake n the self conciousness is sill there.
have been on many a/d seroxat was the first-3.5 years was very good,i done a lot and met many new faces..times were good:) i gradually forgot to take them as i felt i was ok...moved home and lived with g/f.

big mistake..i couldnt take the living alone bit to suddenly sharing everyday with someone-god i needed space.
so i looked for an alternative to seroxat..citaprolam,prozac,moclomedine,and then i had heard nardil was gold standard for sa so i pushed n pushed my shrink till i got it..it was great first few months-so hyper talk to anyone about nonsense!
but now the balloon has burst.dont get me wrong i think it must be doing something as when taken with clonazepam sa is non existent.
and my clono usage has come down from 3mg a day to 1mg some days and at my very most 1.5mg..so yeah on that side its good -less tranx.

but im still self concious round my partner,even thou she suffers with panic attacks! when the evening draws in and watching telly-i get very uptight and feel im being watched-stupid i know but i get anxious watching telly with someone-especially if its a serios programme-i have to dim all the lights-(another sa trick?)

summing up is it time to try another med that will stop me feeling so self concious aound family and partner..have you found a med that makes you pretty "normal" around others...i would love to hear your success storys.

please dont read this and think im stuck in a bad sa rut-i have my own buissness,have a mortgage,partner,cat etc the usual stuff at 40...but its the self concious nonsense that wont let go.

thanks for reading and i hope i give hope to younger people with sa that you can achieve a quality of life and its not all doom n gloom.
i think im just searching for the "normal" bit on top-hence the title of my post.

lets be careful out there:shades:

[chezpaul]

oh god 'normal' is the key isn't ? that word has haunted me since my mother died when i was 4 years old and i was thrust into a new school. even at that young age i looked at the rest of the class and felt they were all in on something i couldn't be part of.
i'm slowly learning that there is no 'normal' and that practically everyone has something that haunts them.
you seem to have been on medications for an awful long time. after two failed drugs i found that venlafaxine was the one for me and while i was on it i felt invincible. they are effective for helping us feel more able to cope with this crazy old world but i would ask have you worked on what lies beneath your belief that you are not 'normal' ? and what have you discovered ?

[pete69]

chezpaul,
i did a 13 week spell of cbt a few years back,at first i used valium as my crutch to get there but after 3 sessions i went without-i felt good opening up and i was set tasks to do and keep a diary-we kinda dealt a bit into my past but i was told it wasnt important to relive it to make progress and get better..its hard work and i failed-i done my 13 weeks with her went to many corner shops etc drug free but i never seemed to feel relaxed at anytime.

you say i have been on meds for a long time?
my gp gave me valium in 1989..only 2mg so nothing great,
i self medicated and got klonopin online -a good sa med,and i now get this from my gp thxs to my shrink.
i took my first anti depressant in 2000 so only 10 years and there have been gaps inbetween.

i have tried prozac but it didnt hit home like nardil did,in fact i feel more posotive today-im supposed to take 4 x 15mg of nardil a day but always found 3 was enough-today i will start on 4 and get a new boost of confidence hopefully.
as for "normal" yeah if u was to se me in the st i would be just good ole joe public-its all in my head,i know..just got to keep on thinking that.

good luck
pete

[Nigel]

Hi Pete69,

“i self medicated and got klonopin online...”

Please be careful, and I would NEVER recommend anyone else to be tempted to order drugs online like that. I have first hand experience of the problems that can lead to, not to mention the fact that many are fake, and that the proceeds from such activities are often used to fund crime and even terrorist activities.

Anyway, I’ll put my soap-box away now :winks:

I think you deserve a big WELL DONE! for all your achievements. I suffer from social anxiety too and I wish I had the confidence to start my own business and do some of the things you have. It’s funny when you say you feel uncomfortable and self conscious around close friends and family because that’s where I feel most comfortable and able to be myself.

One thing struck me when reading your post, and its something I think Chezpaul picked up on. You mention quite a list of different drugs yet the problem still persists, and I was wondering if maybe a different approach might give more lasting results. Meds are good at masking the problem and making it easier to cope, but the problem is still there.

Good luck,
Nigel

[chezpaul]

i agree with nigel. medication is the equivalent of putting a plaster on something that needs a bandage. i don't think that the root cause has been sorted out here.
i started with private psychodynamic counselling because i believed the nhs wouldn't entertain me. after a couple of years i was hounded into talking to my gp by my wife.
the nhs favour cbt because it gets quick results. the guy i spoke to from nhs was very dismissive of counselling, to the point of ridiculing it.
sure the cbt helped tackle my problems from another angle, but i'm pleased i went through my years of counselling.
with cbt alone i may have learned new skills to cope with the world but the underlying cause would still be bubbling away beneath the surface. and that's the key point i wanted to raise with yourself, pete69. can you fill in the blank from this sentence ".......has caused me to think and feel the way i do" ?

[pete69]

to nigel,
yup i totally get where you are with the online meds,i joined a site and it had feedback for sellers-hey now where have i seen that kind of place before!
so yes i was pretty sure what i was getting was the real deal.
but i no longer tread those routes-as i say my gp is my supplier now.

and yes i have been searching for that wonder drug-i know it doesnt exist and i am going to stick to nardil and be thankful i could be so so much worse with my sa.

the answer i know does lie in sorting out the problem and not masking it,but i kinda get on with life take my meds and i have kinda got used to this thing called sa.i know my limits and if there to big i take a klono-no harm done-people live on much worse each day.

to chezpaul,
"habit has caused me to think and feel the way i do"
time to put a stop to it right... i need to find a good coucellor in essex.
cheers guys