View Full Version : School phobia and I have first day at college tomorrow
Riiight so today has been VERY difficult. I'll give a brief roundup of how I got to now and then I'll explain why I'm nervous about tomorrow.
I was bullied in primary school and I believe the main fault of how bad it got was down to the teachers who would not accept that I was being verbally and physically abused every day of my primary school from year 2 - year 6 and they wouldn't tell my parents until I ended up in an emergency dentist in my last year.
I left school and went into secondary school in September 2006 with a very bad frame of mind and I lasted about 4-5 weeks at the very most before I couldn't take any more, it was a huge building, I would have panic attacks and cry, both of which would make me sleep from about 9:30am - 3pm and then I was off school for a year and a half.
I then was reffered to a 'hospital school' that had a max of 4 people there every day which I attended from Jan 08 til this year and got exam results that I could have done because they decided to make me go to college on this fine art course which I really couldn't do due to the big building and I had panic attacks / crying all over again.
I'm starting the same college tomorrow as its the start of three induction days. I really hate icebreakers as I'm really shy as well and generally avoid those kind of situations.
The layout of it has changed and now I feel like I'm back to square one which is what I've been worrying, hysterically crying and panicking about all day. Another thing is, is that there will be a lot more people than I'm used to (17 in the class not including the tutor) and I can't really look at people in the eye or talk to them at school / college when I first meet them as I'd rather sit at the back of the classroom and get on with my work. I always feel like everyone is staring at me because I've put on weight over the summer and lack of excercise shows it and I blush whenever someone looks or says something to me as well.
I feel ok now, perhaps a bit anxious, but until I wake up in the morning theres no way of telling how I will be. So if anyone has any tips I will be more than grateful.
eternally optimistic
13-09-10, 21:01
Oh bless, Lauren, you havent had a good time.
I POSTED A REPLY TO YOUR EARLIER POST BUT MY PC CRASHED SO, I AM REPLYING TO THIS POST.
Firstly, see this as a new start, new people, new opportunity. I DO know that sometimes it is easier said than done.
I have just asked my 16 year old son what advice he would give you about your induction and he said "remember that you are not alone and everyone is in the same boat".
Even though you might feel people are staring at you, I am sure they wont be.
All of the new entrants will be feeling uncomfortable one way or another - even the ones that you may aspire to be like.
If there is one thing I have learnt about my own anxiety is that alot of "confident" people have many many issues about one thing and another.
You might find your college has a good support network and may help you through your early days.
Take one day at a time and dont put any pressure on yourself.
I will be thinking of you and good luck.
radougalkins
13-09-10, 21:41
I feel ok now, perhaps a bit anxious, but until I wake up in the morning theres no way of telling how I will be.
I can't even begin to count how many times that has been me. It's one of the worst things. You go to bed feeling fine and then wake up and it hits you. What you wrote reminds me a bit of myself, the day before I started University. I screwed up though and let my anxiety ruin things, but I did make a couple of good friends so it wasn't so bad.
I know you say you hate icebreakers but if whatever course it is you're on the people there will have similiar interests to you. You could maybe ask what sort of music they like, or whether they had a good summer. Try to avoid what you would rather do, instead do the opposite.
Rather than sit at the back, make a conscious decision not to, maybe wait for a couple of others to sit down somewhere and sit with them and say hello. As Jay anns son says, they're in the same boat as you so they're probably as nervous as you are! None of you know what the day is going to bring so people won't mind if you are a little shy, most will be!
Hope your day goes well for you :)
xx
Right so I went in ok, I overslept so I guess I didn't have much time to worry about anything. But I got into the main reception, had a mild panic attack there and then due to that it was practically organised chaos but then I saw someone I knew from the 'hospital school' so I stood with her until she had to go to her course and then at 10 I met my new class and then we had a tour around the new buliding which was really quite dominating, she showed us a stair case that apparently is really quiet so I guess I'll be using that from now on. I felt really dizzy and sick all the way round and then I nearly fell down the stairs, she kept asking if I was alright, I kept saying yeah but I did feel really bad.
We did an icebreaker at 1 which I really hated, I did take my natural position of in the corner at the back of the room but my tutor like made me talk to people which was really uncomfortable, and I didn't really talk to anyone after that. I sat on my own at lunch, but then I went to look for the gym because I thought it would be a nice release and it turns out its not that much to join. I then went to see Mark who I met last year as he put an advert on the college forum for this magazine which I joined to try and keep my mind off things andhe said that I could go up to see him if I had any problems.
But yeah today was ok, if not for some minor blips but tomorrow will hopefully be better.
Hey Lauren, I started college last wednesday and it was scary at first with all these tall people everywhere but now I love it. College is SOOO different from school. If you want to just go, then you can go. It doesn't matter. I have to travel for 1 hour on a bus and cycle a mile to the bus stop and I thought that would be awful but I adapted. What I'm saying, is you should adapt to the new environment if you let yourself. It will be fine after a week, trust me! Let us know how you're getting on after a few days.
eeyorelover
15-09-10, 03:45
You should be SO proud of yourself!!
YOU MADE IT THRU even tho you were scared and anxious!
Believe me it will get easier!!
I'm so VERY VERY proud of you for conquering your fear!
xxx
Sandy
I'm so glad it went ok after all! You did really well to make it through the day, I hope you are proud of yourself. Keep trying, focus on the fact you CAN do this. Hopefully you'll make some friends as you settle in. I went back to uni last year after two years off ill. It took me over half a year, but I finally got talking to people and have now made two AMAZING new friends! x
eternally optimistic
15-09-10, 10:37
Excellent news, Lauren.
Sounds like a successful day to me, you should be proud of yourself.
paula lynne
15-09-10, 10:40
Well done Lauren, you did it. It will get easier as you become familiar with the building and new people. You should be proud of yourself! x:yahoo:
I didn't make it in today :sad:
eternally optimistic
18-09-10, 21:50
Hi Lauren
Hope you are OK and planning on a return to college.
My son has been stuggling this last week and I thought he might get there every day.
Hope you are having a relaxing weekend :)
Yeah I'm ok thank you, I think and yeah I'm planning to return tomorrow, but I'm not sure how it'll go.
I feel really disappointed and quite angry with myself though, it was the third day, I didn't do it and I don't think it bodes well for the next two years that this course runs for.
My tutor emailed me on Friday asking where I was and was I ok ect. and I explained why I wasn't there and she emailed back saying 'ok, thats fine but WE HAD A REALLY FUN DAY' which makes me feel even more crapola as I'm missing out, when I really don't want to miss out! I've also go a feeling that she'll have to email me a lot more to get me in as well which makes me even more anxious as I don't really like people going out of their way for me.
I have a meeting with the learning support tomorrow at 12:30 and the college counsellor at 1:15 though which should hopefully make things better.
Thanks for your reply though and I hope your son gets through it.
eternally optimistic
19-09-10, 22:38
Hi Lauren
Dont beat yourself up, everything will work out.
Definitely use the back up support the college has, you never know it might be want turns things around for you.
Are you on any meds or natural therapy that might help - the doc might be able to help.
Try and relax and you might find it gets easier and that you begin to enjoy and be the real you.
Best wishes and good luck.
Dont forget, no beating yourself up about your achievements, that will only make you feel worse.
Bye
paula lynne
19-09-10, 22:46
Try again tommorrow! xxx:hugs:
I don't take meds, my doctor said that she didn't want to put me on them as they're hard to come off when you're a teenager or something. I do have Rescue Remedy though, I find that it does become a bit ineffective if I've had some like several times a week. I'm off there tomorrow morning though.
I saw both the counsellor and the learning support people on Monday but my one issue is that to get to either I have to go through reception and up the main stairs to get to both, so if I'm in a state everyone will see and I don't think that there is a way round that.
And Mum won't be able to take me on Friday since my sister has to be at school at 8:50, I have to be at college at 9 and the places are at either end of the tow. so thats made me feel really bad and I've been worrying about it all day. I just don't like going in on my own so I might go to college after the docs in to see someone about it tomorrow.
edit -
I've also been invited to this media evening in London on Friday night and I want to go, but I feel so stressed (already), fed up & emotional cause college that I don't know if I can find it in me to go :/
I've also had family members say 'PLEASE GO INTO COLLEGE' and 'please promise me that you WILL go', and I just feel like saying I can really not garuntee anything and it just annoys me so much that they know how I'm feeling and what I'm going through, yet they are pressuring me to do something that is really, really difficult for me.
Hello Lauren! Congratulations on your victory at the first day of college! it gets a bit better every day. I have a similar problem, I panic when inside the classroom. My first day of college was yesterday and I didnt make it to the end, I wish I had had your strenght. But today was a bit better, and I know tomorrow will be better still. We need baby steps and when we create a bit of positive contrast to this new situation everything will be alright, thats how I try to think.
I'll keep you in mind tomorrow, knowing we're fighting alongside will be cheery. Good luck my friend ^^
Hey Solocosmo :)
I'm glad your second day at college was better and I today was even better. Baby steps is indeed the way to go I think and good luck to you too!
I went to the doctors today, he was a new doctor and really understood how I was feeling. I feel better, and he's reffered me to have CBT which I think might be helpful, but I do feel really anxious about my course.
Its worth 3 A levels in Photography, we do 15 hrs in class and we are expected to do 10-15 hours out of class plus that we have Art, or 'visual recording', photography history, practical photography, digital imaging, functional skills Maths + English and GCSE Maths to do as well since I only got a D in my GCSEs to do as well.
Its times like this is when I have so much on my plate that I forget assignments which makes me panic and things go wrong, like I've spent most of today staring at my timetable wondering how I will do all of it (7 days in a week just doesn't seem enough right now) rather than doing the tasks for this week :/ My tutor understands though
But argh I just want everything to be alright and for things to be really simple rather than incredibly complicated.
Had an awful day.
I went in late as mum has to drop me off and I was feeling shaky so I asked to go to the loo as I was too embarrased to tell the teacher and it was infront of the whole class that I was having a panic so I went to see the counsellor who calmed me down and then we went back up and the teacher wasnt there so the counsellor took me to the learning support bit and then I went to do some work.
The teacher came and got me and then I went back to the class and was fine. Then I looked at my phone and saw all these calls and messages and stuff so I phoned mum and dad and apparently everyone was really worried which made me panic even more and I really didn't think it was going to be like that. I'm home now. Feel silly :/
Thursday and Friday were better. But I'm worried about tomorrow :(
Got a college trip tomorrow.
Apparently someone in my class is bringing alcohol so the group can sit on the beach and drink and I dont want to be apart of it but I have a tendancy to be a 'people pleaser' and fall into things. I had a panic attack last night in bed about going and I dont want to go :( I didn't make it in today either.
Hi Lauren T, you sound very similar to me! I'm 17, I think you sound around the same age too as you are going to college? I started with my anxiety in year 9 at high school, I would just panic every morning at the thought of going into school, I'd feel physically sick and, like you was hysterical. It's awful. I was referred to a small therapy where I attended a 'day unit' something similar to where you went I would imagine. I then went to a small place where people go when they are out of school eg. when they are ill and can't attend normal school hours. Anyway, I too did all my exams (at school = terrifying!) and went onto sixth form college. I lasted the first term and then dropped out, it was either that or they were going to ask me to leave due to my poor attendance. It's really hard though, I'm really academic & loved the learning side, like you to, all I wanted was to get on with my work as socialising was far to difficult. I too blush anytime someone talks, even looks at me! It's so embarrasing & that makes it worse as you blush more!! It's really difficult at first but once you have been a few times it gets easier, have you told your tutors about your anxieties? Maybe there is something they can do to help the day feel more comfortable? When I was at school I used to sit in the art class at lunch as it was nice and quiet, maybe you could do the same at college? I hope you stick at it, as hard as it is, it really is the best thing to do, to keep out there, facing your fears, it gets easier! you are doing far better than I am anyway, well done!
-J :)
Hey,
Yeah I'm 16 and that does sound like the school I went to, but the absolute maximum people that were in my school (including teachers) was about 6 / 7 depending on who was in and now I have like 20 students in my class including me and 7 different teachers but I think a good analogy would be that I'm a mountain climber and for the past 3 years like I've been walking up the hill that leads into town and now I'm suddenly expected to climb Everest in the space of 3 months (those 3 months being the summer holidays). I'm not sure what anyone else thinks about that but thats how I feel.
I didn't go in today though, I wish had gone but I mentally exhausted myself yesterday over going on a field trip with college.
I got myself all stressed, worked up over a period of about 2 hours and I planned how the day would go in my head and how it would be fine ect. so you can imagine how anxious and even more panicky I felt after the coaches didn't turn up and I didn't have any of my college pens/sketchbook with me! I felt exhausted after that, I just wanted to go home but somehow managed to stay the whole day. Its been rearranged for this wednesday instead and I don't want to put myself through that again :(
I had a pretty rubbish day on Monday too, I had my maths class and the teacher picked on me for two hours, asking me for answers for algebra and each time I answered with 'I don't know' which I think she uses me becaues she knows that I'm too nervous to speak up. I really don't like the attention on me because everyone stares which makes my arms tremble, I get a shaky voice and I blush when that happens.
I really like the people in my group, they're all really nice (if a bit loud) and I wish I could just talk to them more, but I put 100% of my energy towards going through that brick wall that is very inconveniently situated at the entrance of college!
My pastoral tutor does know about this, but I've given her enough grief to last a lifetime in the last 4 weeks and we have this individual tutorial tomorrow and I really don't want to talk to her. Everyone else has/is doing it and when she asks 'How is it going?' I don't want to be the one who bursts into tears infront of the whole class, but then again I don't want special treatment as to go into a quiet room as this would provoke people asking me why I didn't stay in the class with her.
Plus what is also worrying me is that I'm 4 weeks into a 6 week review period and she is not going to want me on her course because I haven't been there all that much.
Also, there is only one staircase that leads to the rest of the building and at 9am and at lunchtime it is awful. Its organised chaos as there are so many people which makes me really, badly nervous.
Things that would make it better would be to drop the Maths, but I don't think thats going to be possible because I got a D in my exams and the entry requirement was a C, I know the easiest thing to do is quit and try next year but I really don't want that to happen. I really enjoy the subject I'm studying (photography :D) and I don't want to give up.
Lauran dont focus on waht you didnt do focus on what youve acheievd well done for the days you have gone in and if you can go in tose days you can others. I know its not easy to start anything new i find it difficult to but just try and think of your goal and why your doing this. it will boost your confidence as time goes on if you do the course if you are not ready dont be hard on yourself either you can work towards it tc
You really do sound exactly like me, which makes me feel a little less alone! I too used to plan out the days, I think it just helped me if everything was organized so that nothing would be unexpected and cause me to panic. I hated that 'special treatment' too, I made sure in both school & college that my teachers/tutors were aware of my situation but didn't make a fuss over me, they were really good in that respect. I took in college English Lit, Graphics, Psychology & Maths resit (I got a D too unfortunately haha) but I totally understand you hating your maths, again I did too, because mine was a resit class, I don't mean to be rude here but most of the people in the class were quite loud and boystress which made me incredibly nervous and uncomfortable. I really dreaded college even more on the days I had maths, I spoke to my tutor about it & luckily she pulled some strings and allowed me to drop it because of my circumstances as it was making college too difficult. I know they don't let anyone do this normally so I guess I was really fortunate there. Maybe you could have a word with your tutor about this? After I dropped the maths college was much easier & more enjoyable infact. I missed school trips alot too, but the one time I did make it (the week & morning leading up to it were awful!) I actually had a brilliant time & it boosted my confidence so much I was so pleased with myself! I wish I never dropped out of college though, I really miss the subjects (apart from the essays etc! :) I hope you don't drop out, I said to myself I would go back the next year and start a fresh, well that was 1 year ago to this month & guess what, I never went back, the year off just made it impossible, I presume that would be the same for you so I really hope you stick at it, the hard part is over now.. the years pass so fast, come next year (I'm guessing you are in your first year) there will be alot less people in your classes as lots of people will have either dropped out or been asked to leave so imagine how much easier it will be for you this time next year! & how pleased you will be with yourself for surviving college :D If you ever want help, to talk etc. just message me, I'd be happy to talk to you! Good luck for monday, hope you make it in
-J
I went in today, I thought I wasn't going to stay the whole day due to that I have cold which I think has been brought on by stress of going to college but I stuck at it today, and I managed to develop a roll of film in the darkroom and I printed one off which I'm really proud of but I'm feeling so OCD about my sketchbook. Its all like a progression of whats happened so far this term but I hate it so much and I would so prefer it to be so theres one section for technical stuff, one section for contextual studies ect. and I am very tempted to bin the one i have and start over with a new one tomorrow and I know its ridiculous and I know that it doesn't have to be like perfect and only really needs to have it all in there but I can't STAND it. I only have like 3 weeks left to do it and I've also been experiencing a new symptom (if you could call it that) which is that my eye twitches like mad until I wipe it.
But college got a bit too much today, as my triple practical photography lesson was just about to stop (at 5:15pm!) I like....stopped? I dunno what happened really I just stood in the middle of the coridoor and burst into tears for some absolute unknown reason.
Had a pretty bad morning yesterday since I cried for 2 hours or maybe more, and when I got to college I went up to my tutor and I said I wanted to go home but she wasn't having any of it so she just marched me over to the coach and sat me down haha. So yeah I managed the Brighton trip which I'm pleased about and depending on whether I can pluck up the courage to do so, I'm going to ask if I can drop maths, I said to the college counsellor today that I was going to so yeah...hopefully I wont have to go anymore but I think my tutor said that if maths was a problem then you got kicked off the course and I obviously don't want that.
In college now and I want to cry now, alot.
Tutor won't let me drop GCSE Maths which is making things so much worse.
I really, really, really don't want to go in on Monday. Absolutely dreading it, infact I might as well email my tutor saying to her that I give up.
Had another pretty rubbish day today but I've got out of doing maths which is like a ton of bricks of weight off my shoulders.
I wanted to go to the darkroom to print some more photos off but wanted to get out of there asap so I didn't.
edit - and my mum phoned camhs today and my appointment is in January!! Is that normal?!
Hi Lauren,
I’m glad you made it into college, and good news about the maths :yesyes:
I quite liked it, although by O level it was getting a bit too heavy going for me :wacko:
I read this reply of yours (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?p=721735#post721735) and was like your counsellor. I thought; “Wow! Is this the same Lauren?”
Going to London, festivals, interviewing bands – that amazing. It’s funny... I couldn’t do that but I could do college. Why is that, I wonder... :shrug:
One thing just occurred to me. It seems like you already know how to be a very confident and capable person in some situations, so you don’t need to learn those skills. You simply need to learn how to transfer them from one area to another.
So when you have 10 minutes to relax, sit down and think about one of your concert experiences. Really live it again in your mind as if you’re actually there and it’s happening all around you. And try to notice what’s different in that situation – how you act, how you feel. What makes you feel so confident and capable. Then when you’re going to college, imagine you’re going to that concert instead, and take with you all those good feeling you’ve just discovered.
Try to stick with it Lauren because it’s obvious this is where your true passion lies.
Take care :)
Nigel
I had a panic attack in the darkroom today (of all places) and hit my head on the photographic enlarger and it still hurts now.
Have had a pretty rubbish week though, I've been really stressed, particularly Monday night but I've been in all this week. I was crying in my first lesson on Wednesday and went to the 'out' zone and calmed down, managed to get back into the lesson but I've had a bad week and am looking forward to half term.
Worried about tomorrow because I'm going to have to talk to my tutor and like discuss the past 5 weeks.
But yeah I suppose I am confident but its hard to transfer the feelings but I think its coming.
Right so I'm off to the docs again soon I think as I don't think I can wait that long for CBT as I had a massive wobble on Tuesday as I'm worried about all this work I've got to do.
Oddly enough I was in London today and I had a panic attack on Regents Street as there were far too many people there and had a small one in Nando's as the tables are so close together, but I managed to stop myself which was good, and I treated myself to a very lovely scarf up in London as I managed to go to college for two weeks straight even if I did burst into tears in the middle of class last week! Worried about next week though.
Havent posted in a while mainly because I've been getting bad over the first project of the course which I know i have failed as I didn't even do half of it due to that I didn't understand it. I pretty much spent most nights sitting up relentlessly worrying about it and then being shattered in the day when I'm at college so being barely awake has got me in and through the day for the past few weeks.
I have been upset quite a lot :/
I cried myself to sleep a few times in half term about the prospect of going back and most break / lunch times I will go and cry in the loos for 5 min, then go out or back into the lesson and act like nothing has happened. But yeah, even my tutor said that the next project is hard so I might just not go on Wednesday so I don't get the brief.
So the last week has been pretty crappy.
On Wednesday I got really upset at lunch, I'd had enough and wanted to go home so I went up to my tutor's room to tell her that I was going. She asked what lesson I was meant to be in so I said 'Maths' and then she was like "OH SO WE'RE DIGGING OUR HEELS IN ABOUT SOMETHING ELSE ARE WE?" so then I basically said to myself don't you dare talk to me like that, but I didnt say it to her, but I really I don't want to talk to her about anything any more, she clearly doesn't care and can't be bothered to listen to me! I went to maths since she essentially escorted me into the room so that I couldn't leave, stayed for the whole lesson but just didn't do anything. I had her next period as well and she gave me the assignment brief and didn't explain it so when it comes to handing it in and if I haven't done the right thing i'll just be like
Thursday wasn't much better, it was a long day and the other teacher there Nigel had a go at me for no reason other than I couldn't take a photo with this camera so I just got myself in a state since he is the most unhelpful human being on the planet but I hung in there and stayed even though I just felt like giving up.
Friday was pretty much the same, we were giving group critique on our first project but I refused to do it as I cannot bear the thought of showing my work to anyone else, plus I had done practically nothing in my sketchbook and everyone else had finished theirs so I just said no which annoyed her a lot. She came up to me and was like 'why, why, why' so I just said that I didn't want to which is fair enough, I think?
Dreading going on Wednesday and I've been crying a lot too, like last night I went to bed and the thought of going in on Wednesday made me cry for 2 hours. I don't think I can really take much more of this really.
Hi Lauren, Sorry I did'nt replt.. Haven't been on here in a while. Anyway, just been reading through, it sounds like your having a rough time with college still - really sorry to hear this. I wouldn't normally say this as I'm a big beliver in education, but if your truely miserable there (which it sounds like you are) then I'd maybe think about leaving.. Just for the time being? I hated when people said this to me as I didn't want to leave/give up, but is it really worth it if it's making you feel so ill & upset you have to ask yourself. I read that you are going to cahms for CBT, I went there too for CBT, I'm sure you will find it really useful to talk and work through everything with. Maybe see what your worker says about college? College isn't for everyone, for many different reasons. I know it's not ideal (as I would't want to go through it all again) but you can always rejoin next year? Anyway, hope your CBT goes well (it does take time to get reffered & your appointment through btw, I went to the docs to get an urgent appointment with the psychiatrist at cahms, maybe they can do the same for you? Good luck!
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