opinions welcomed

[Granny Primark]

As most of you know im a granny and a very proud granny:D
Ive got 3 grandaughters that i love dearly.
But ive got an almost 3 year old grandaughter (katie) that is the sunshine of my life and that ive helped in bringing her up.
Shes got her own bedroom in our house with a mini 4 poster bed in and thats got a Mr Tumble (oh I love mr tumble:)) sign with her name on it on the door.
I look after her when my daughter goes to work and she sleeps at our house at least twice a week.
My hubbys put a tv/dvd in her bedroom and when she goes to bed she watches bambi. She knows the words to bambi almost off by heart.
She associates the bambi dvd with going to bed. In our opinion it settles her off, and we need it cus my hubby has to be up at 4am for work.
I looked after her all day Monday, she slept the night and then went home teatime tuesday.
Tuesday night she was put to bed at at 7pm and screamed for most of the night.
We got a phone call off her mum (my daughter) giving us abuse cus she wouldnt go to sleep cus it was our fault that she was getting used to watching a dvd.
Wednesday we had her from 11.45am til yesterday morning. However we werent allowed to let her watch her fav dvd and consequently we had a tough night with her.
My daughter came round to pick her up yesterday lunchtime and completely blanked me. Later on in the day her partner rang me up giving me abuse because he reckoned we werent obeying their wishes on how their daughter was being brought up.
Both me and my hubby are gutted.
We dont get paid for looking after her, in fact we are paying them. i.e. buying her food, clothes, toys, paying for her dance class etc.
We soooooo enjoy being grandparents.
We are so hurt.
opinions welcomed please.

[tnt808]

Lynn,

I had a tv in my oldest daughter's room, both her Father and I didn't see it as a big deal. It gave her comfort, and allowed us to sleep (which is priceless ). Most children as young as Katie don't retain much of what is said in shows and dvd's. They will like a certain song, or a really exciting scene, but most of it is lost on them. And it's not as if she is watching violence, or playing a violent video game.

Having said that, it is hard on us parents when the Grandparents try their best with their grandchildren. Usually we're stuck between a rock and a hard place..as are you. Whenever my Mom is around she spoils my girls rotten and I am left to deal with the disaster she has left behind (although, it's not such a bad disaster) it's still not how we do things. I've had to tell my Mom please don't do that because when you leave I won't continue doing those things. Not great advice I know hun, but it's just my perspective on things.

Maybe you and your daughter can come to a compromise...such as Katie only gets to watch her Bambi dvd if she's done something to help you out, or help Mommy out. That way she isn't expecting it all of the time. Sorrry if I am of no help hun. Best of luck xx

[eeyorelover]

Hi Lynn,
I have 2 Grandchildren.
Austin (who I affectionately call Peanut) is 5 and Emmy is a year old.
I have had the conversation with my son and daughter in law about the rules in MY house.
Here is my take on it.......
I've been a Mother 4 times so I understand that some rules have to be enforced.
Don't hit, spit, throw fits (HEY THAT ALL RHYMES-LOL).
No beating on animals or your sister (That one is for Peanut in particular).
HOWEVER
Maw Maw and Paw Paw's house is like a mini vacation for the two of them.
Yes they have to obey rules so they don't injure themselves (or anyone else) and so they don't turn into total heathens but as a Maw Maw I reserve the right to.....
Feed them whatever I see fit.
Put them to bed when I see fit.
Let them get as dirty as they can in the time they are at my house.
Let them watch whatever (age appropriate) they want on TV or DVD.

I reserve the right to change these rules for any of the following reasons:
Their safety
My safety
My sanity
Or
Just because I have a mind to!

It's my house so if they don't like it, they can keep the Grandbabies home.
Of course they don't because they want time off and they don't have to pay for a babysitter.

If they want you to strictly go by their rules then tell them they have one of two choices.......
Hire a babysitter
OR
Be prepared to get a bill from you for the hours you have them!
That should shut them up :)
xxx
Sandy

[Granny Primark]

Thanks. I really appreciate your opinions.:)
Katie only gets to see the bambi dvd when she goes to bed.

[Jaco45er]

wow that's my wife's sister, she has her mum running around for her and her kids, then treats her terrible.

Let me tell you what I told to my mother in law. Tell your daughter to go forth and multiply, the ungrateful mare.

These using muppets need the tough love approach GP, get the hump with her, cut her off for a few weeks, she will soon be running back, she needs you.

Don't be held to ransom. Give her a shock and be tough with her.

She will probably rant off, "you are not seeing my daughter again" but she will be back.

[jaded jean]

Lyn.
You are doing what most grandparents do. Giving up your time to help your daughter and partner with Katie . Undivided attention etc. they do this on a whim just because she screamed for one night?? so what --they will come back when they need you and most importantly Katie will be asking for her nanny so I would not beat yourself up about it its not your fault at all. You have loads of love for her as you said and we can see that as well.Time is of the essence and they will come round to you and apologise. but dont hurt yourself over it.
Jean

[Lynnann]

Hi Lynn,

You haven't done anything to deserve this, if you have found something that settles your grandaughter while she is at your home, I don't see the problem. It's not much different from babies that have musical mobiles to settle them.

Your daughter needs to realise that your home is your home and while you are willing to abide by certain fundamental principles in regard to her child.
How you run your household is up to you and the needs of the people within it. Your husband has to be up at 4am and a good nights sleep is essential for him.

Your daughter may be blanking you but they are still using your free childminding services aren't they? Even if they were paying someone to care for their child they wouldn't be able to dictate in the way that they are trying to do with you. A childminder certainly wouldn't tolerate an abusive phone call, they would be told to make other arrangements. Just because you are family there is no excuse to treat you disrespectfully.

A child can distinguish between sets of rules, there are different rules in place in restaraunts, school, nursery and when out from the rules they have at home. For most children there are different rules at granma's house. There were for me and for you as well I am sure.

They know when walking in the street they hold your hand but don't when at the park or in the garden. If it is just this dvd issue then that is a parenting issue that your daughter and husband will have to contend with anyway as they need to explain that different rules for different places. I think the question is their expectations of parenting not yours? If they have difficulty coping with one nights disturbed sleep how will they contend with the teenage years? Do you not remember " so and so's parent lets them do this and that". My response as I am sure yours was well, "so and so doesn't live here, in this house the rules are!"

They need to realise that they will have to do some parenting instead of expecting you to change your household to make life easier for them, you are too soft and loving, stand firm being a parent is not easy, wasn't for you, still isn't for you and they need to stop expecting an easy ride! Do they think they will be able to go over to your gradaughters friends parents house and tell them to change their household when these arguements raise themselves.

I understand that this situation scares you especially after all that has happened with your son but you need to be firm over this or they will walk over you for ever. You are in the stronger position although you don't seem to realise. Their household finances are arranged with you providing free childcare, something that is a considerable expense.

However it does seem such a small thing for your daughter to kick off over, is there an underlying issue and she is transfering her anger onto this? Maybe she is jealous over the amount of your attention her brother and child have been recieving from you? Subconciously she is still your child and you are her mummy. Or there may be other problems in her life that are causing her distress and is taking her pain out on you instead.

Perhaps a lunch out or dinner just the two of you can clear the air? Have a chat and a laugh but gently and firmly explain that your house your rules! Her house her rules! Maybe set out the fundamental guidlines that you will both adhere to?

Lynnann:flowers:

[suzy-sue]

I personally dont see the harm in Katie watching a Bambi dvd .Not as if its something unsuitable .Its your house and you deserve some appreciation for what you do .Why cant they do the same and let her watch something at home before bed ? A child will sleep better if it goes to bed happy .It all seems pretty petty to me .God knows how you put up with it Lynn :lac:Your daughter and son in law are annoyed something that you allow, has caused them problems .Understandable but being like thay have towards you , wont make matters any better .Perhaps a compromise of reading a Bambi BOOK ,would help ? Explain to Katie you are going to do something different before bed .Perhaps take her out to choose some different books as well ,Then Katie could learn as she gets older to read to herself before bed .Just a suggestion ! Finding a solution is always better than causing yourself to suffer any further upset ,and I understand how upset youd be if you didnt see Katie because of this .Hope it gets resolved Lynn ,all this is the last thing you need .best of luck LUV sue x:hugs:

[sb001f8994]

Hi Lynn,
Im a nan to three, Lauryn aged nine, Kyle aged five and one year old Deacon. I adore them and love them stopping over and yes we do indeed spoil them rotton. I would say though that if there was something their parents didnt want us to do or didnt like we wouldnt do it as it only causes bad feeling. Up to now there hasnt been anything complained about, coming to nannies house is a treat. Sweets, dvd's at bedtime and midnight feasts are the norm and I would be a little hurt if I was asked to stop.
Lynn you are doing your daughter such a big favour. Does she not realise how much child care costs these days? They should appreciate just how much you are helping out and isnt it a normal practice for grandparents to spoil their grandchildren? My kids used to love going to my parents house, they probably wanted to move in as I was the wicked witch and my parents where brill and they could stay up late, eat whatever and didnt get shouted at too much!
I hope you can sort this out as I know you love having your granchildren so much.
Take care,

[neshpot]

Granny, you are doing nothing wrong. You are doing them a big finacial favour and they can rest assured that their daughter is safe and happy. I can't see the harm in the dvd at bedtime if it settles her, bet she's asleep way before the end. When I have my grandkids I do ask if there are any dos and donts but as its not very often that I have them overnight, there aren't any as its a treat (for both of us). For you its different as you have your granddaughter regularly. I can see their side..they want to establish a routine and when you both work everything has to run smoothly. But your hubby has to go to work too. I'm sure katie will come to realise that the routine at nannys bedtime is different to bedtime at home. Trouble is these little disputes end up getting out of hand.( Can't believe she blanked you! ) To be honest I don't think its just about the dvd...maybe something else is bugging her. It just seems such a petty thing to trash you about after everything you do, but if they feel that strongly about it....Main thing is to keep things happy for Katies sake - kids soon pick up bad feeling. You are a brilliant nanna and I can see by your posts on Fb how much you adore katie and how much fun you have together. They're all lucky to have you. :hugs:Chin up Granny..

[Going home]

Having her own room at your house and having the routine of watching this dvd to soothe her to sleep means that this routine isn't a new one for katie? If its something you've always done then why have your daughter and son-in-law decided to take action against it now? Is it something of a touchy subject anyway between you, or has it only been brought up after that one sleepless night? If Katie doesn't have the tv/dvd set up in her bedroom at home that she has in her room at your place, maybe you could change her routine to reading bedtime stories instead, something her parents can do for her too so that she has the same bedtime routine in both houses?

I do agree that their aggression is out of order, given what you do for them, and most kids realise that things are alot different at granny's house and don't usually expect the same level of spoiling at their own house, but Katie is only three years old and at just the right age for tantrums! Your daughter can't blame you for everything if Katie starts playing up at home...its normal behaviour for this age.

Hope it resloves itself soon lynn :hugs:

Anna xxx

[margaret jones]

Hi Lynn what can I say that everyone has not already said ?? You are and always will be Katies Nan .

I hope things get sorted for you soon Hun
Take Care Maggie xxxxxx