New to University, Terrified [Archive]

WillyB

20-09-10, 11:10

Hello, I arrived at my halls of residence yesterday, and so far ive been a nervous wreck. I didnt go out last night with everyone else and was kept awake all night by drunk people. Some of my flat mates seem nice but im too scared to ask to go out with them as i hate clubs so much. I also think they already have friends here. At the moment im terrified im going to have a nervous breakdown and have to go home after all this preparation, my family will be so disappointed. How can i survive this mess? i have to make an effort to go clubs and meet people but i just cant do it. I cant even go cook myself some food. What do i do? has anyone else started Uni and having a rough time?

:(

margaret jones

20-09-10, 11:41

Hi Willy sorry you are feeling a bit overwhelmed with it all , you must eat even if fruit/ceral bars .I bet there are others feeling just like you do you dont have to go to clubs I bet there are other places you will enjoy just try and seek out others with the same interests as you , not easy but you will be fine try not to worry to much and look about you for a friendly face .

Hope you settle soon

mumble

20-09-10, 12:35

I started last year and was on my own for the first time. It was very scary, I also moved in and had no mobile reception, no landline and no internet for a long time. So I was completely cut off from my family and friends. Take some time to yourself. There's no pressure to meet others/socialise/go clubbing etc. I never went out to do that stuff, eventually after being in a few classes, making friends there, we went out to costa and coffee shops etc.

STEPHYUNO

20-09-10, 13:58

Hi mate, hope you are feeling bit better about things, what you are experiencing is natural for most people in this situation, it certainly was for me.
It'sa big change in your life and in time will be for the better, but don't rush, be yourself and you will make freinds. Steph

Vixxy

20-09-10, 15:23

Most people are terrified on their first week in uni. Most of those students will have moved across the country to a new area and no family or friends. They might not show it, but I bet theyre feeling lonely and homesick.
you dont have to go out clubbing to enjoy university. I didnt! Why not go to the student union and see what clubs are available. That way youll meet people that like the same things as you and it wont be in a club with loud music. :)

clairity

20-09-10, 15:49

ive just started uni too. ive moved from scotland to england and left my finace behind so im having a very hard time with it too. i had my induction this morning and nearly had a panic attack on the way there. keep calm. try to join in but remember u dont have to do anything you dont want to. most unis have councillers on site so maybe talking to one would help. try and join a club that interests you ie climbing, swimming so you can meet people with similar intrerests as you. good luck xx

supersezza

20-09-10, 19:48

i would just say to do what YOU want to do...and dont feel bad about the rest!

have u got any interests? maybe joining a society or something would suit you?

also if u dont want to go out and socialise then just dont...there were people like that at my uni and we just understood they weren't into that...

i was a bit nervous about the cooking too around people...but well people r just people...just try n talk to them.. x

unspoken

20-09-10, 21:11

I was new to uni 4 years ago but in some ways it still feels like yesterday. I only went out to one club in my first week. It was my first time in a nightclub and I lost the few people I knew and it was pretty scary.

When I wasn't out, on the other nights, I actually managed to have decent conversations with the 'quieter' people I was living with. I didn't really make any proper friends until my second term though and I was really worried about it. In reality, most people appear to make instant friends but by half way through the first year, most of them won't be friends any more, they'll have moved on. There's so much expectation about uni, that you'll have all these crazy experiences and meet all these people who will instantly become your friends for life. The reality is rather different.

The friends I did make I made on my course. I didn't stay friends with any of the people I lived with in first year. Some of them were drunken and noisy and liked to set off fire alarms, others I just didn't have much in common with. It took me a long time to make proper friends, I was lonely and scared, but it was worth it in the end - by half way through 2nd year I had a decent social life. Keep posting on this forum for support and so you're not completely alone but try to even just make small talk with the people around you. A few of them might become proper friends to you in time, but there's no hurry.

debbsi

20-09-10, 21:34

willy - I started uni last year as a mature student (I'm 38 now), imagine how I felt seeing all those young people l am old enough to be there mother!!
Anyway - once lectures started I met loads of lovely people and its been the best thing I ever did - I absolutley love uni and cant wait to get back there next week.
There were quite a few other students who felt just like you, a long way from home, but they soon adjusted to such a huge transition. Its completely normal to feel like you do - we even studied this stage of life in one of our lectures,
Stick with it - you really will be fine - it will be one of the best times of your life
Persevere, you wont regret it x

WillyB

20-09-10, 22:46

JaneC

21-09-10, 00:47

Hi Willy, just to add to the wise words lots of others have said: try to stay calm and give yourself time to settle in - don't expect to adapt immediately. My son moved into halls a week past on Friday - on Tuesday he was in tears on the phone and he's not even an anxious/panicky sort of person. He says his flatmates seem nice enough, but not really on his wavelength. He admitted he felt a lot better tonight than he did a week ago, though. I'm sure it will be the same for you - and if it means anything I think it actually sounds like you're doing really well in making the effort to talk to people and so on

WillyB

21-09-10, 15:23

I hate this... I had one hours sleep last night, one of my flat mates has a group of about 6 people staying over and they are so loud, rude, drunk. They kept me up all night shouting, banging. Then went onto screaming abuse at me and 3 of my other flatmates at 7 in the morning. Going into the kitchen, a lot of or food has been eaten by them, plates broken, the floor is all sticky and just a mess. This is unbelievable, I want to go home so much and pack all this in, im in tears now. What the hell do i do? i cant go home because my family will be so disappointed in me. Im going to die here of panic, i feel so horrible.

JaneC

21-09-10, 16:38

I'm sorry you're having to put up with this Willy but you nearly need to report it (preferably with the mess still there). There are rules which should be enforced - for example my son and his flat-mates are only allowed to have ONE person staying over and that's per flat, not per person. I know I'd be in a state if this happened to me but you need to try to get yourself together and complain to whoever is there for that kind of thing. Maybe the other flatmates who were victims would want to go with you. Maybe even speak to your parents as to whether they would take the matter up. I know I wouldn;t want my son to be upset like you and not know about it xx

unspoken

21-09-10, 20:59

Yes, do report it. Unfortunately it took a whole term of stupid drunken behaviour before 2 guys on my floor were finally fined a hefty sum each, had to write a letter of apology to all of us and were threatened with being chucked out of Halls. But it is definitely worth reporting it to a warden or tutor or other member of staff in your Halls. Are they allowed to have that many people staying? There are usually rules about things like that.

I would also recommend some ear plugs. They will help with some of the noise. I really feel for you. This is something everyone has to go through unfortunately before people grow up enough to have respect for other people. Try your best to stick it out because people should calm down a bit once lectures start properly and you'll regret it later on if you drop out.

blueangel

22-09-10, 10:22

The eating thing is important as well - get yourself a basic student cookbook (or ask your mum to get you one!) and have a go at a few easy things like pasta or things on toast. Cooking's actually fun when you get into it, and when you get more confident you can feed other people and that can be a really good way of making friends.

It's a looooong time since I went to college, and I remember feeling a bit flummoxed by it all at first, but it does get easier. It's also very true that the people you meet first tend not to be the ones you know by the time you graduate.

WillyB

22-09-10, 10:59

I had a a long talk with my mum on the phone last night, she understands what im going through. I just dont know how to cope, last night they came back again and started shouting more abuse, i cant understand how people can be so violent and rude. This is my effing flat and this is how they treat the place. My nerves are really shot, i feel trapped, alone and in danger really. I cant see myself making friends here, i think ill try stick to the few people i know coming here already but they live far away.

JaneC

22-09-10, 11:29

I really feel for you Willy. Have you or your mum told anyone what's going on? My son's halls are far from cheap and I'd be furious if he was paying all the money he is to live in misery.

Saying it's your flat and why should they spoil it for you is the right attitude. Please try not to let them beat you. Are there counsellors on campus you could speak to? I really wish you strength :hugs:

WillyB

22-09-10, 11:56

Thank you Jane, i think without this site id have left already. There are counsellors i can talk to which i might do if i get any worse. Ive also just read through our rules on visitors, i think i might be able to get rid of them if they cause any more trouble. But i also dont want to make an enemy of the guy who's living with me as he's not that bad.

I think im going out with some friends tonight, hopefully ill be able to let off some steam and try relax my nerves a bit. Luckily its about a 30 min train journey back home so i always have the option to escape for a few nights.

JaneC

22-09-10, 12:01

Good stuff Willy. I understand what you are saying about your flatmate but you need to nip this in the bud if you can. Enjoy your time with your friends. Meeting up with a guy he knows a little bit who is doing his course, and having a couple of friends go up and see him last night has done my son a lot of good. You can do this! :yesyes:

Rachel424

22-09-10, 15:34

I've only just read your post and had a quick look through the replies, and I agree with what everyone is saying. Remember nearly all students who start university and move away from home get very homesick in the first few weeks, even those who seem to be out having a good time, I'm sure they're terrified inside. A work colleague's daughter has just started university at Kent, and she's over a 7 hour drive away from home. She phoned her dad in tears yesterday begging for him to come and bring her home. What you're feeling is very common. If you suffer from anxiety it can be very difficult, but once you get through the first month and you get into a routine with studying and make new friends I'm sure you'll feel much better. Not all students go out clubbing, (I never went once when I was at university!) and if you go to the student's union you'll find all kind of societies to join where you can meet quieter people like yourself. Also go down to the library and work in there to get some peace and quiet. This is a very important point: you DO NOT have to put up with students in your hall's of residence making a noise late at night and disturbing you. There will a member of staff in charge of the hall you're staying or a porter on the reception, report the disturbances you're experiencing to them. Also you should have a personal tutor assigned to you, talk to them about any problems you're experiencing or go to the university's counselling service. The university should also have a nightline for student support that's open throughout the night. Phone them and explain how you're feeling. Finally if you find you don't like your course or degree subject, you can always change it, I did and was so much happier. Please don't give up. Good luck and please let us know how you're getting on. Rachelx

WillyB

22-09-10, 17:38

Thanks Rachel, today has been a little better, i actually went on a bit of an adventure. I went and found the train station and actually got on the right train (which i was scared about). I made it to the city centre and had a walk around, bought some cool posters, bought some food, watched some giant chess and also saw some of those 'free runner' guys who were entertaining.

I then got back, as soon as i saw my flat i was filled with dread. I walked in to find one of my flatmates cleaning all his kitchen stuff which was covered in sticky drink,he was very annoyed. We had a long talk about it, then spoke to the guy who's mates they are and he agree'd with us an apologised for his friends behaviour. He is a very nice lad, its his friends that are the problem. He then said that they have gone ... \o/

We cleaned up together, now its looking a bit better and im feeling a bit better. Off to see my friends tonight, nervous but i must do it.

unspoken

22-09-10, 21:24

Hi Willy. I'm really glad that you've managed to talk to them and the guy has apologised. Great that his friends have gone. It sounds like they're basically decent people that you're living with. It definitely helps to get off campus by yourself and explore. I did that in my first week, walked in the direction I thought town was in and eventually found it! It helps to put uni life into perspective and you realise that there is a world outside where things are not quite as hectic.

I hope seeing your friends goes well.

I don't know what your uni's like but my campus had some really nice park areas, with some gardens and a big lake. You may find it relaxing to go for a walk somewhere nice like a park or anywhere green you have on campus. I found it very therapeutic walking and watching the ducks. That's one of the things I miss most about university.

WillyB

23-09-10, 22:14

Hi there, i went to see my friends last night and it went well. I went round to my friends house for a few drinks, then went out into town and stayed in a bar for a bit. It was nice to see some friendly faces.

however i cant help thinking that university is just not for me. I still hate being here, all i want to do is go home and be within the comfort of my family. I dont know if the subject im doing is right for me and if i really want to do it. I dont know how to survive, could all this be a waste of time and money? will i get anywhere?

On top of that my intrusive thoughts are getting more intense again, i dont want a relapse :(

mumble

24-09-10, 00:07

Those are very common thoughts - nearly everyone in my class at uni wondered if they were doing the right thing, if it was the right time, on the right path, with the right people. You will eventually find out if it is or isn't right in the first few months, and it will become clear. Remember, you're not trapped there. You can transfer courses, or even universities. It will take you somewhere good though, university is a good path. It's rough at the start as it's new.

I ended up doing three different courses at various universities until I found the right path for me.

You will adapt to the unfamiliar things. Everything is new to us at some point, but we adapt to it.

Going home

24-09-10, 00:45

Willy, how far away from home are you? Is there not a uni nearer to your home where you can go but still live at home...providing the nearest uni does the courses you need of course.

Anna xx

WillyB

24-09-10, 00:50

My home isnt that far away, its a 30 ish minute train journey. Ive considered moving back home and just getting the train here, i have a friend here that stayed back in our town and just drove here, i cant drive but i dont think getting the train will be too much hassle. I cant imagine how bad it would be if i lived further away, i would feel so trapped, even more than i do now.

Going home

24-09-10, 00:53

Maybe you have to have a think about what is stressing you out the most...living in student accomodation or the course itself. If you think you can cope with the course and live at home and do the train journey then perhaps moving back home is the best for you?

Anna xx

mumble

24-09-10, 01:29

As the previous poster said - you could commute. I did a 2 hour train journey twice a day, sometimes 3 hours if they were bad, but it was worth living at home with my partner, rather than living on my own or in student acom nearby. Remember though, travel can bring its own stresses.

trooper

24-09-10, 03:06

Hi Willy,

Reading this and your other post, it certinly seems like you are going through some very strong anxious emotions at the moment. Its a stressful time in your life and so its understandable that this would cause you to feel anxious and even a bit depressed.

You have had some great advice in here and some very wise words too. To a degree this is normal and most people are feeling some degree of the above mentioned emotions when they start uni / move away from home. However, it does sound like it is quite on top for you at the moment!?

Have you tried taking any of the tests:

http://www.gm.tv/lifestyle/health/health-tests-and-quizzes/34165-anxiety-test.html

If you score a high anxiety level on that test, I would urge you to get some support.

Its great that you have spoken to your mother and that you are seeking advice and refuge in this forum. And if worse comes to worse, you can always move back home to get yourself out of the present situation, which is clearly not helping you. It won't be the end of the world, your health and safety has to come first.

I think you should also see your GP and let them know what is going on if you haven't already.

There are lots of different treatments for anxiety, both short and long term and as I have mentioned in my last post, it could be beneficial to talk this over with a therapist or maybe a CBT person.

But first things first you need to get yourself stablised and grounded, so you can cope with your current situation without being under so much pressure. And make the right decision of what to do next.

I would go and see your doctor as soon as possible my friend...

Andromeda

24-09-10, 07:15

I was you last year , believe me i was terrified in my first week !
The first night i spent in halls , i cried all night and didn't sleep because i was so scared about being on my own .

unfortunately i never took control over my thoughts , didn't get help and completely messed up university for myself !

so i urge you to stick it out , because i wish more than anything i had !
going home is the easy option , yes it's comforting but it's not pushing you to face your anxiety and conquer it ! you have to keep at it and eventually it will get much easier for you !
just take every day as it comes , and remember to congratulate yourself for getting through another day !

Snap

24-09-10, 08:08

Thanks for the replies today. I went for my induction today which wasnt too bad, but the tutor group ive been put with doesnt look very good, i can clearly see all the people are very lively, some are old, some i just cant see myself getting on with. I spoke with several of my flat mates today, had a drink or 2 with them and went to the bar and played some pool. It was very tough, but i learnt one of my flatmates also has trouble making friends and hates clubs, which was some sort of comfort. Ill see how tomorrow goes but right now, im still very scared and anxious, and on top of that its increasing my intrusive thoughts :(

I spent my late teens to mid 20s filling myself with alcochol to be able to go to clubs and pubs and, among other things, deal with university life.

I can't tell you how much I would change that if I went back. Clubs are supposed to be for enjoyment. If you don't enjoy being at them, they are a waste of time. I met a couple of ex-girlfriends at parties, but I don't think I ever went out with someone who I met in a club. So that was no reason. I met my wife through work.

I know it's easier said than done, there's such pressure to do this stuff one way or another. In the 15 years since I've been to clubs, I can honestly say I don't miss them one bit! It's enough of a challenge to deal with other things at university without adding to it.

All the best. As others have said, it's very normal to feel that way. I'm sure most people do, and most are good at covering it up.