Over the last while I've had them crop up on me more and I find them a bit disturbing even though I've tried to ignore them..I'm worried my personality will turn into a crazy person. Sometimes my moods up and down with depression so I worry what if I go mad? Sometimes I get annoyed. I worry I will change personality and feel I'm building up some hate or something. Sometimes I do feel sick of things and like I've had a hard year worried about breakdowns, heath anxiety, ocd.
A positive is I have seen improvements but I'm still rafted by symptoms. I can't say I'm relaxed about having anxiety due to "what if's". The last few months I suffered anxiety worse..so it does make me think what if I've changed as a person? I know alot of the time due to staying in, dwelling I don't always feel my old self. I think like alot of symptoms they return with more fear.
When I have so many changes I need to make in my life to some how be happier..it's hard to free the anxiety...the thoughts is not like 24/7 but it's random..worried it's a sign of going mad. :huh:
Im exactly the same as you Phil see my thread...
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=81467
How do u deal with it and what symptoms come with your thoughts?
I think intrusive thoughts are one of the most difficult things to deal with in all this, as they turn up when we otherwise think we're OK, which can be really destructive. They're certainly the thing that I've found most difficult to crack.
Yes I agree, intrusive thoughts are horrible, especially if you have been having a few good days, then out of the blue, they arrive. I try and talk over them with positive ones but it is so hard.
Do not worry, easier said than done, because it's the last thing you can do, but you are NOT alone.
Intrusive thoughts are like your mind lying to you. Don't feel guilty about them, or worry you are mad. You can't be mad if you question your sanity.
I've suffered and still do with obsessive/intrusive thoughts and one thing i've learnt is that you need to try not to fight them. If you wanted them there, you'd put them there, but you haven't put them there, your subconscious mind has put them there - it's like your mind is lying to you.
Take for example when i think i will kill my mum. I love my mum, the absolute last thing i'd ever want to do is kill my mum. I used to question why i thought it, did it mean i was going to become a mass murderer? After all, when you think "i'm hungry" you tend to get something to eat, so if you think "i'll kill my mum" you think it will happen. Of course not. You don't want to think these thoughts. If you did, they wouldn't bother you, so feel no guilt.
It occured to me that i only ever had horrible thoughts about being or things i cared about. It tends to be the worst possible thing that could happen i think of, the worst thing for me. So i realise that all it means is how much i love my mum. It's works in reverse - it tells you the things you don't want most. Now when i tell my mum that i thought about killing her, she tells me "thanks Ellie, i know you love me"... silly :). Now i've thought about killing my mum a billion times and even though every thought has disturbed me to some degree, i've never killed my mum and i never will!
Your mind plays tricks on you and tells you that you are insane, crazy - i thought a couple of weeks ago i had a personality disorder. You have none of these. You are anxious. Anxiety is an evil thing, it changes how you think, which is why unless someone has personally been there, they can never truly understand, because someone who is not experiencing anxiety cannot imagine the thought processes that happen to cause you to feel like it.
If it were a simple case of saying "pull yourself together" or "don't worry", you bloody well would! No one with true anxiety chooses to feel like it.
I like to think about it a bit like hot and cold. When you are nice and warm in summer, you think "i'd quite like to be cold" and imagining yourself in freezing cold weather doesn't bother you. You think "that's not that bad"... but when you are waiting for a bus and it's freezing and you don't have a warm enough coat you think "blinking heck i want to be warm". Unless you are cold at that time you cannot truly appreciate how horrible it is to feel cold. I hope you understand what i am trying to say.
I've been in and out of anxiety for a loooong, looooong time, and each time i'm in it, i tell myself it will never end and that this time it will be different. This time is the time where i have gone crazy, and even when i tell myself "i got through it last time and i said the same thing" it doesn't convince me, but how can it, because i am in a different mind set - an anxious mindset.
Things will change and they will improve, and only when they do will you realise that yes, you can get better. You just have to trust me.
All the best, i'm always here x
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