Need to talk to somebody about things

[phil06]

I feel I really need to talk to somebody about things. Just life in general.

First my love life..I'm 22 soon but throughout my teenage years I managed to date and have two serious relationships but not had anything serious for 3 and a half years now. I absolutely hate being myself to make it worse I'm not even on the dating scene like I was last year. I'm not doing anything different just this year I've been cancelled on, lied to, lead up the garden path on dating sites. A separate issue has seen my social life not as good to go clubbing (but never had any joy in night clubs anyway). But I work..try and chat to people and have no joy with women either. I just feel very angry about it..I have kind of released well life's not fair but I actually now believe I'll never meet somebody. I was picked on at school so my early years I had little chance of relationships until I got past 16. So this so called dry spell, bad luck whatever it is is the longest spell since then. I feel very rejected I am a tidy, neat kind of guy take care of myself but it won't happen. I am expecting some older people to say "well you don't have to settle young" but it's a fact of life many people I went to school with are all married, some settled..in life you can have 2/3/4 serious relationships? So it's knocked my confidence which is certainly not helping me..so right now I can't get any date with anybody..no matter how desperate I am. If I stop looking then I am sad and miserable and women never chat to me anyway. I can't keep switching jobs, college and so on to meet people as I'm 22 soon and I have to try and find my path in life.

But anyway what is worrying me is I can't handle constant rejection. I guess it's my fault for trying? But I get into deep depression being lonely too. My alternative is go out clubbing every week (great) but my friends I hardly see anymore as there always busy, making new friends is extremely difficult.

So in the last week or so I've just had a short break...watch DVD's, focus on work..listen to music and I felt a bit better until I decide to see what's out there dating again..and then anxiety comes..so today I was out my mind felt in "meltdown" I have to say to myself "It's fine" as it's too much? If that makes sense..I am finding it very hard to take on the chin..I feel nobody understands..part of why I am more anxious is because I am very stressed..I am stressed because of life..I'm not expecting to get married tomorrow. I just want to meet people..I admit when I dated and it never went anywhere I felt a tad down but I said well it's experience..I seen some great movies, enjoyed the date, never felt so rejected? But right now I can't stress anymore for the last year I actually can't get a date with ANYBODY..I mean that..It's got to texting and they cancel, or they want to stay single I've heard so many excuses..but I'd be a fool to give up, or let one bother me..it hurts me though. I try again..i could meet somebody tomorrow yes? But given I've hoped for 3 and a half years...900+ days? depressed, hopeless it's just not there.

What else is making me feel in "melt down"? Driving..I started learning to drive in January 2009 never thought I'd stick it..passed my therapy a year later..sat my test just failed by one little bit..but back to confidence...then the nerves started and I've since failed 4 times and I am considering changing to a third instructor to possibly try again due to pressure from family. But I also feel very angry at life myself ..it can only happen to me quote? I'm sure others know what I mean. So I now feel well if I can pass it..then maybe I'll look back on this year as a small hurdle rather than a massive regret.

Nothing has ever come easy to me..I feel about 90..all I do is sit online all day..career bothers me I've had ten jobs since leaving school..three failed tries at college (exams, commitment, socialising) all got the better of me..I started to feel very depressed in my job again as it's a job not a career..I've never been 100% happy I guess..

What I miss is when you're in a relationship you feel very content, you can think about others, love somebody else without thinking about anxiety..however I was very happy with my last g.f. I thought she was the one I'd settle with but I also feel very guilty as I had a blip of anxiety that basically spoiled it. I've since learned but never got that "third" chance with somebody else..See if I was enjoying life I would not feel as much pressure. It's easy for somebody to say counselling, join a club, socialise but for whatever reason I am finding stuff very difficult because something always gets in the way. This year nothing has gone right for me..see this year if I joined a club I bet somebody I'd make no friends..it's that kind of brick wall scenario..

It might be a recession but wow It does feel a depression for me where as others out partying probably never notice these issues in life. Because my life feels as bleak as the economy at times..all that keeps me going is battling on, hoping the one comes along, enjoying small things like music. See it could be better..but I try, over try just won't happen for me this year. I can't really switch that into a positive..because last year was not that amazing, but this year seems worse..so it's hard to hope next year will be better incase it's ten times worse..course you duno what is ahead.

I don't want to sound selfish but I would just be joyed to meet anybody right now, share some company. Sometimes it's nice to date and just see what is out there. I would feel warmed if somebody actually had a few hours just to get to know me. Maybe if that happened yes, it will happen, but when I am being rejected I just feel so angry, it's not getting any better, I don't deserve this atall, it sucks. I got let down last night only spoke to them few days but I felt so sick..it really hurts me emotionally.

I don't want to sound too negative as my anxiety has dropped..but I can see a point where it can get me. Now my head is obviously saying next women I chat to it's all going to just be the same? It's easy for people to say it won't be but I've had so much support and I keep getting hurt. Rejection in three and a half years is alot worse than a break up..maybe others can understand. I believe in life everything happens for a reasons o why? Why am I suffering this way? You would think somewhere, sometime that something will come up...I worry about going mad with anxiety but the way life is going it would send people into a breakdown you know? I realise life never turns out as planned but 4 failed driving tests, and three and a half years rejection nothing tops it..it feels like THIS......... bad for me. If somebody said I will be driving in 5 years and married I'd laugh...I hope it gets better and not worse though. As I say this duel keeps going on for me...saying oh it will get better..when? nobody anywhere can guarantee it will...I do care about others but when I'm so miserable I want to some how find my way before I can fully stop thinking of myself. Right now I'm in no state to give advice sadly..

For me life is frustrating, right now age depresses me..no wonder if I'm having such a time of it..I should be doing so much more enjoyable things at my age!. I genuinely don't want to be sat here next year saying the same but worse...I'd not wish it on anybody either...yes if I was in love I'd feel on top of the world, to be dating I'd feel a bit more mellow. Before this spell I had alot less hobbies now I am a follower of games consoles and Football so that helps me create conversation in life..so that is a small positive for me. Overall I feel this way so change is the only way forward.

If I could just get my life on track I'd maybe feel a tad less sorry for myself..coruse only I can..but will life allow me that passage to happiness? I have alot to learn I know..I guess I knew it would be hard, but I guess I never expected it to be this hard, so early on..before I have any financial commitments later in life...does anybody understand? I just need to talk, talking might stop me being so angry and upset..some weeks I just feel down...sorry for such a long post. :weep:

[Electric_Worry]

The first thing you need to realise is that you're 21.

Twenty-one.

You're desperate to achieve the things you believe will make you a success, but you're trying to force them into happening rather than working on it. Life is a marathon, not a sprint, and you have to remember that numerous mistakes will be made along the way. It sounds like I'm talking in clichés, I know, but you can't expect to have everything in an instant and for it to be perfect.

I know what it's like to be lonely and my life is similar to yours in a number of aspects. There is not one and only one path in life; people may date a single person in their lifetime and settle down whilst others go through ten or twenty. Some people start careers at an early age whilst others don't find their calling until they're in their thirties or forties.

You seem to have this preconceived notion that just because people are out partying their lives away or are settled down with a partner, then it means these people are happy. That's a massive flaw in your logic. Very few things in life are guaranteed to provide happiness, but you can't see this and always assume that the grass is greener on the other side (I need to stop with the clichés).

Again, I want to remind you that you are 21 (twenty-one!). You have all the time in the world to find somebody, pass your driving test, re-enrol at college/university. Rather than getting annoyed over the fact you can't have everything at once and letting it drag you down, take one aspect of your life you're not happy with and work on it. Keep working on it until you've made progress and stop worrying about everything else. Chances are that if you have focus and drive, the other things you desire will appear on the horizon. For example, let's say you wanted to go back to college - do so and keep at it, and you never know, you might even meet somebody whilst you're there. The same goes for work or if you want to improve your social skills.

You're trying to have everything at once and in as little time as possible, which isn't going to happen. They will fall into place in time, but don't dwell on them or expect them to happen immediately because then you will never make progress.

If you're looking for an analogy, you're trying to bake a cake, but rather than doing so correctly you're just throwing everything into the oven and hoping it will turn out perfect. The eggs aren't even broken, the flour is still in the packet, (as is the icing sugar) and the sultanas are still grapes.*

*sultanas are grapes, but you know what I mean.

[Hazel B]

EW is so right, you have so much time ahead of you to achieve whatever you want. Focus on the one most important thing and work on that, not everyone gets all they want within months, some people don't even know what they want! I still don't know what I want to do when I grow up and I am grown up!
A lot of people in relationships are desperately unhappy, so please don't pin all your hopes on that. Please try to concentrate on liking yourself and not getting so frustrated, have you considered talking to a counsellor to help this?

[unspoken]

Well, the above posts are good advice, but it sounds like you're not entirely looking for advice. Just company. So feel free to PM me. As you know, I'm around your age and there's not a lot going on in my life. I am also learning to drive but struggling with The Fear. But I don't think that relationships or the right job will bring me happiness and relieve this fear and depression. I don't know what will.

I read a book about self esteem and it said that we tend to base our opinions of ourselves on things like our relationships with other people, job status, income, what car we own etc. Self-esteem has to come from being happy with who we are rather than what we are in other people's eyes. I'm not explaining it that well.

But anyway Phil, if you want to talk more, PM me. I'm always interested in making new friends.

[phil06]

Thanks for the replies..

Just need to get more off my head..

I feel so depressed right now..I had plans for my birthday to go for a drink..only to realise that nobody is up for it as everybody's skint so this isolation from social life continues..I was not surprised but yes I feel really crappy about it..

Sleep..just I know you need it but how to I put it..I can't put my head to a pillow and relax..I feel so annoyed with life, problems, challenging..so discontented. It's a absolutely awful feeling just feel so much has gone wrong, so much to fix..surely somebody's been there like me and find sleep a choir almost but you do it, get by with late nights..ect..?

Anxiety..had alot of it but I feel so ill, from my stomach to my head..physically ill...just gets no better.

Can somebody tell me is this anxiety or is this life and anxiety not coping with it? I deiced to book another driving lesson after a three month break to see how I feel about it rather than give up..I feel so alone in suffering..feel advice is like coming from America right now..just a million miles away. I guess it goes back to feeling unwanted, the single thing..

All I can focus on is work, a couple of hobbies like football, xbox but I feel really depressed and lack of empathy about life..I know I spent alot of hours online I just wish I could get out and meet people..because I'd probably not feel so sorry for myself..I just feel inadequate? I get up...I've not got my own house a family yet..no g.f...just at times I feel wierd, maybe both normal and anxiously like spaced as a symptom..

I duno..sometimes I feel stressed but I can be depressed..sometimes very little triggers me to feel down..some weeks I feel a tad better..back to the sleep..I feel quite annoyed going to bed early..like to sit up and make sure I'm shattered before I can sleep..but still get insomnia..I feel I have a million issues I have IBS, OCD, Anxiety, depression, panic attacks..it's awful...I feel just ill but as a sensation almost..like I don't need to feel this way but well here I am down.

I'm kind of muddled myself right now to what's going on..but it just seems like let down after let down, but to not try I feel very agitated because I still hope hope..then I get that crushing blow..can't blame anybody just feel so unlucky..what's the lesson in this?

I duno maybe If I could put my head in a pillow and be content..ok day at work..a few friends, odd date I might feel yep a little mellow..the odd date gave me that briefly but now I am gridlock..NO LUCK atall well I just can't cope..I feel like I'm in a corner in a huff because nobody is interested in me..silly..selfish...petty..but I know there's great feelings in life but well I am quite emotional...If others had friends they hardly seen, no g.f, "just" a job no career, failing tests...not getting out they would prob feel quite low too..but i could have a perfect life and feel down? maybe I won't?

The blip in my anxiety came after I failed my second test driving expecting to pass..from that moment coping has been hard...I was quite miserable before because these issues are very long going..issues + anxiety is a bad mix..then comes depression.

Back to why I feel so desperate this week..last week i felt down over my job..no real trigger..just distance, small niggles...and a few more issues this week and the depression has been twice as bad..! I have felt awful with anxiety for years but this episode, phase whatever you wanna call it feels different or some how worse..??

I keep saying to myself?..come on it isnt that bad..it shouldn't be this way, shouldn't feel this bad..why am I moaning? I have a job, some nice things around me..I just don't know why I feel how I do..I question if I am over fussing? would others feel how I do? Can I say well..oh ive had a hard year..little gone my way so naturally I feel down..but it won't be this way forever? Because I hope so...

Any positive words would be good..I just need to talk. :unsure::blush:..(I hope this is all that's on my mind and not a million other issues to come).

[blueangel]

I think this is one of the big problems with depression/anxiety - it makes it so hard to appreciate what you do have. I think a lot of us are in this boat; I have a fairly decent job (although any job will kick up problems from time to time), a wonderful partner and at the moment we're renting a house in a really beautiful village.

But... even after three years I'm still homesick for the big city that I left; most of the people and things that really matter to me are there and not here; a lot of the people here don't like people who aren't "locals" so as a consequence of this I don't have any friends around here. I have to go home to see friends, or do the things that I really want to do.

Unfortunately, it's not feasible to go back and live there again; it would be really difficult to get another job, certainly without taking a big drop in pay, my partner's kids are down here and he wouldn't want to be a long way away from them. So I'm here, in a rather unfriendly environment, albeit one where I can go out into the country and look at a lot of rural eye candy.

So, I do know what you mean, and I bet a lot of other people here do as well. Just wish there was a quick solution to it.

[Nigel]

Hi Phil,

Some of what you say sounds a lot like me too, but one big difference is that I didn’t start thinking about what was happening until I was about 40. Before then I just plodded on through life thinking that things would happen one day, but life doesn’t work like that. Now I find it almost impossible to do the sort of things I should’ve been doing back then. I get anxious at the prospect of going out socialising, and after all these years it doesn’t really appeal any more, and it’s hard to find the motivation to push oneself when one doesn’t really want to do it anyway :blush:

One thing I came to realise is that a person sort of ‘projects’ the way they’re feeling and other people pick up on that. In fact they say as much as 80% of what we communicate is non-verbal body language. So when a person feels all fed up and doom and gloom and miserable, other people pick up on that, and not wanting to feel that way themselves, tend to avoid that person.

I know it’s a bit of a ‘catch 22’ because it’s hard to be happy when what feels like the most important thing in the world is eluding us and seems like it will forever, but it does make a huge difference.

So I think the secret is not to go out with the intention of meeting women, but instead to just go out and have a good time. People seem to be drawn to a person who’s being themselves and having a good time – I suppose they want to share in some of those good feelings too. Like I was saying – we seem to ‘project’ our mood and other people pick up on it.

Another thing is ‘trying too hard’. Relationships take time, and sometimes a person forgets about the steps that need to be taken to build one. Again, it’s difficult when it’s the one thing a person wants the most in the world, but appearing to be desperate and needy does seem to turn people away. Suppose they feel it’s putting too much pressure on them when all they wanted to do was get to know that person.

I think friendships come first, and friendships are built on having common interests an outlooks on life. The more common connections there are, the more two people seem ‘attracted’ to each other. But that takes time to find out, and often it turns out that there isn’t enough common ground to build a good friendship on. That’s why things often don’t work out. It’s not ‘failure’. It’s not ‘rejection’. It’s simply that there weren’t enough common bonds between those two people.

There’s no way of knowing those things in advance, so it stands to reason that many attempted friendships come to nothing. And it’s a fact that the people who achieve the most in life also experience the most failures, simply because they grab more opportunities.

So out of all those meetings, a few will turn into close friendships, and out of those close friendships, one might develop into something more, and when it does it will be a happy and lasting relationship.

Don’t give up hope Phil :)
Nigel