Hi everyone - very grateful to find this site...

[sweetwater]

i've just read your stories and god i'm immensely grateful to see that others out there are struggling with the same issues i'm battling with, and i'm also very grateful to see the issue of drug use is not a taboo topic in here. the last anxiety forum i was a part of were totally negative towards my past drug use, i don't think they could even comprehend my reasons, perhaps they saw me as very weak with no will power...but it has really helped me to see that others have used it as a coping mechanism, as a way to flee the wretched feelings that plaugh us day in and day out. also very delighted to see that there is a fellow nurse in here too! i'm a registered nurse - just completed my uni degree last yr and am awaiting a graduate yr in june this yr. currently i work in aged care, whilst i await my start in the hospital. i'm 24 and it has taken me 5 yrs to complete my 3 yr degree, and yes i could blame this on me smoking marijuana every night for a yr, and popping ectasy here and there, but i know in my heart that the social anxiety was the driving force behind this action. marijuana seemed at 1st to be wonderful - it would make me happy and free, and my anxiety sedated. but then came the paranoia, withdrawal, vagueness, mood swings, and sometimes, irrational thinking - and i knew it was time to call it quits. i had a huge panic attack on ectasy eventually too - and i knew that my illicit drug taking had to be ceased, otherwise i would have more than anxiety to worry about. i have been on a heap of meds, seen quite a few psychiatrists and psychologists, have participated in a self esteem course and yoga. the counselling has been very helpful and has made me accept myself and my feelings much more, as well as wonderful support from my family and friends have made it possible for me to stand here and tell you my story. without them i would be 6 feet under my now. however, i can accept my feelings for what they are and who i am, but that does not mean that i like living with them. i feel continuously held back by my anxiety in every asepct of life - it has imparied my work, my social life and relationships. my courage just abandonns me, and i know that is due to my deep seeded feeling of inadequacy and insecurity, and that at the end of the day, i'm not good enough. however, psychiatrist has put me on parnate,20mg per day, which i commenced last friday, and although it has only been 5 days, this drug appears to be working wonders for the anxiety and the worry and the phobias. it makes me a bit drowsy and i do feel lightheaded in the morning as i have gone from lying to standing, and there is a drop in the BP known as postural hypotension, which i have to look out for, otherwise i nearly fall on my ass, if i go too quickly...lol. have been on virtually all the SSRIs in the past, efexor, aropax, zoloft, provac- with no success, as well as rivotril (clonazepam), propranolol, valium, serepax, luvox, and avanza - with little benefit, or as in the case of rivotril - too much benfit in terms of `anxiety...huh?'...i felt absolutely no panic attacks, no worry, no anxiety on this drug, but it killed my personality as well - i became very apathetic and very vague on it. in short, i turned in to a zombie on that stuff, so it was shown the door also.
anyway, enough of my rambling. sending lots of love and hugs to you all. you are all so courageous to share your stories with one another, it is not easy, but the support and non-judmental attitude of you people is incredible and inspiring. also, in all honesty, therapy is a good thing, but i find support and TLC from family and friends to be the solid rock that i cling to when **** hits the fan, and that's what i see in here - you're like one big family, and that is a wonderful thing. bye. xox.

[kate]

Hiya Swee****er,

Glad that you have found us!!!

Keep having a good look around at all the information available and post anytime about anything that is on your mind.

Once again, Welcome

Kate x

[nomorepanic]

Hi Swee****er

Welcome to the site!

Please can you check your email address as I am getting messages saying that it is not valid.

Many thanks.

Nicola

[Laurie28]

Hiya Swee****er,

Welcome to the site.

lucky

[night walker]

hi swee****er

glad you found your way,,,i to have had my life ripped apart by drugs,,,and know where you are coming from,,,and like you say they give you everything at first,,,but then take so much away,,,i guess like me you took drugs to get away from the pressures of life,,not knowing in time they can make things much worse and life so much harder to lead,,,

its hard to say no when you are young and your friends are having such a good time on a pill in some club,,,and when u say ok why not and feel it for the first time,,,there is no going back,,as that feeling can not be forgot,,,it gets you away from all the preasures,,tiredness,,,worries,,,ect,,ect,,ect,

but when you start to lose control of your own mind things become scary and when you have to fight your own mind there seems to be so many other things you have to handle not only is there pressures of life,,,,but there are the pressures of the feelings you now have to deal with,,,,making you feel horrible and telling you that you are so weak,,,,,life can become very hard

i understand all this wierd ****,,,cause i am living it,,,but i have got to say time does heal it takes years,,,what takes months to strip down takes years to heal,,,but you must stay away from the things that have made you feel so ill,,,,never be tempted,,,and dont punish your self,,,with things you did in the past,,,look forward cause forward is where you have to go,,,one good thing all this wierd **** does give you ,,,is it opens your eyes to life,,,,,it make you love your family more,,,because it makes u feel that you may be torn away from them any second,,,it makes you look on life in a diffrent way,,,and turns you into a much better person,,ect,,,ect,,ect

you are not alone swee****er us guys are right by your side,,,,sometimes strugging sometimes living,,,but always hoping

[stimpy]

Hi Swee****er

Nice to meet you.
We are all in the same boat really, and it is always good to have another member to help us row across Mr Panic's Pond.

Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx

[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric

[Meg]

Hi Swee****er,

Welcome to the site

I appreciate that it's really difficult for you in your career to try and keep true to all your facets of life as well as nurture yourself through anxiety and panic. So well done for doing so well to date.

How long is it since you last had any ectasy or marijuana ? Are you in therapy at present ?

Almost by day and work one person , by night another with social anxiety.

We try not to be judgemental here , people fall into all sorts of situations for so many reasons.

We all came here with our own issues along so many distructive paths and we aim to support everyone to take steps along their own path of progress.

Some people are very well informed about their condition and just want to vent and learn they are not alone , some need education, some want regular contact, others are kind enough to share tips and experiences and everyone needs understanding, empathy and compassion.

You go easy on that parnate now. Are you having to keep on a tyramine free diet ?







Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[Meg]

This can be applied to drugs too.. Well done for stopping .

Why I don't drink anymore ( by Tom Edwards, no idea who he is/was ) that summarises its effects neatly .

I changed because I have the sickness of alcoholism, alcoholism doesn't come in bottles, it comes in people.


You should have seen me.

I drank for happiness and became unhappy.
I drank for joy and became miserable.
I drank to become outgoing and became self-centred.
I drank for sociability and became argumentative and lonely.
I drank for sophistication and became crude and obnoxious.
I drank for friendship and made enemies.
I drank to soften sorrow and wallowed in self-pity.
I drank for strength and felt weak.
I drank for masculinity and it sapped my potency.
I drank medicinally and became sick.
I drank because I thought my job called for it and lost my job.
I drank to stimulate and blacked out.
I drank to make conversation and got to where I couldn't talk at all.
I drank to forget and became haunted.
I drank for freedom and became a slave.
I drank for power and became powerless.
I drank to erase problems and saw them multiply.
I drank to cope with life, and invited death.




Meg

Watch your thoughts, they become your words...
Watch your words, they become your actions... Watch your actions, they become your habits... Watch your habits, they become your character... Watch your character, it becomes your destiny...

[sweetwater]

thanks everyone for the warm welcome and kind words...it is appreciated:) to answer your qs, no i'm not in therapy at the moment. i went through all of that last yr, and as i said before, it helped me to understand why i feel the way i do and that social anxiety is more prevalent that people would like to believe, but for me, it didn't take the anxiety feelings away...my courage still bails on me and the fear is ever still present, hence why i talked to my psychiatrist about trying parnate. yes, i'm on a tyramine free diet, so no cheese (which is a killer i might add. i LOVE cheese!), no vegemite (another killer, being an aussie we were brought up on the stuff), no red wine, no beer, no smoked or processed meat, like salami, smoked slamon, etc. you can have a drink, no more than 2- the pharmacist informed me, but i haven't really felt the need to drink since i've begun parnate, but i'm thinking for social situations it can be awkward, so i think i'll just stick to my 2 bacardi and cokes and offer to drive. cheaper night out anyhow...yes, my social anxiety does affect my work - hence it took me 5 yrs to complete a 3 yr degree. it was never my level of intelligence in question, i actually got good marks, but it was the final hosp placement called consolidation clinical, in which i managed to fail twice, basically due to being on medication that didn't agree with me at the time. rivotril was one that we tried, and i just couldn't remember anything, but i didn't realise this until i was doing the placement. i could function on it in a social sense, but when i really had to concentrate and remember what was going on with my patients and their plan of care and treatment, i realised that it it wasn't working. the nurses noticed also, and tried to ask me was everything ok, but the problem with rivotril as well, for me anyway, is you stop giving a **** about everthing. when i failed that placement, i didn't care and that's when i knew it had to end, something that i'm passionate about and have worked so hard at to finish, suddenly was not even a priority for me anymore. the second shot at it, one month later, was hardly any better than the first, because i was on efexor at this stage, and i did nothing for my panic attacks and anxiety, so i failed because i got so nervous that i could hardly think straight and pulled too many sickies coz i would throw up before hand and i could hardly eat anything, so i lost weight and got run down, and then ended up with a cold anyhow, so i missed too many days and they failed me on lack of attendance. my last shot at it, i'm proud to say was done completely drug free, and i did really well and got a great report from my clinical teacher. she noticed that i was nervous, and pulled me aside one day and told me that my competency level was exceptional, but she said there is a discepancy b/w your confidence level and your ability level. basically saying why is your confidence so low when you're a very capable nurse. i explained to her that it deosn't seem to matter what people tell me, there's this part of me that just cannot believe them, and continues to beat myself up all the time...i just don't think i'm good enough, and nothing i do, will ever be good enough. also went on to say, i internalise a lot of stuff, and feel that if i exposed it, i will face rejection, and that's why i keep much inside. she was a really nice lady and we had a few more talks over the course of the placement, which did help, but as i explained, the feelings were still there, less intensified though perhaps, because i felt her support. i explained to my psychiatrist that i feel held back and not living my potential, i know that what these people tell me is right, but i just cannot have faith in myself enough to believe it. so we've started on the parnate, and so far, so good...it's helping to give me a shot of confidence and not fear and worry so much about things. hoping you're all doing ok and much love to you all. xxxx.
p.s.- nicola - checked my email address, it's correct, i don't know why it

[sweetwater]

pps - haven't touched marijuana or ectasy or any other illicit drug for 2 yrs...i believe it aggrevated/worsened my anxiety in the end. it was there long before the drugs were, and the drugs certainly didn't help my brain out.

[sweetwater]

sorry nicola- i was in a rush when i read the survey...i believe it is meg who is the nurse...oops...well good for you meg!

[nomorepanic]

Yeah Meg is our resident nurse and helps us all tremendously.

Nicola

[nomorepanic]

Sweet - no more bounced emails so that is good.


Nicola

[me]

hello swee****er thankyou so so much for sending me a message it really meant alot i hope you are feeling ok ive had abit of a rubbish day very up and down but at the moment feeling ok...ish i dont know what the antidepressant was the doctor gave me the other saturday i thought it was the one i used to be on which i was fine on but it wasnt and now they have put me back on my old ones citalopram which im still not sure about but i think in the last few days ive doubted everything im also taking beta blockers and now im on a small dose of diazepam goodness i find that really scary i asked the doctors if any of these would make me be having all the panic attacks but she said no so im kinda pulling my hair out please keep in touch its so good to hear from you take care mary x

[sweetwater]

Hope you're hanging in there ok Mary. Citalopram is a SSRI antidepressant used for depresion, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD)...and your dr. is right, it shouldn't give you panic attacks...anxiety/nervousness is a side effect or SSRIs, amongst other things, for the first 2-4 weeks anyhow, until your body gets used to it. If you start to have nasty panic attacks on the Citalopram, I would push my dr. to try a different class of med. There are MAOIs, and this other class chemically similar to MAOIs (ie. Parnate which is what i'm on), I think they are called RIMAs or something like that. Luvox was on that I was on for a while and it didn't do much, but it was good that i didn't have the dietary restrictions that i have now. There are also newer drugs around like Mirtazapine (trade name = Avanza)which aren't in a drug class, but work well for some people. Word of advice though- don't let your dr. treat you like a guinea pig, which is what happened to me, with a past psychiatrist. As i was unresponsive to traditional meds, she took the opportunity to try newer drugs on me, which made me worse. Luckily, the guy i see now is open minded and is ok. I find it rather amusing in some respects that I've been on so many meds, and it is the oldest, most researched, and considered one of the most effective meds that has ended up, for me, working the best. Parnate (MAOI) has been around since the 50s, along with Nardil (another MAOI)- and research has consistently shown that they work very well for social anxiety and phobias, better than SSRIs and the others. However, most people seem to respond well to SSRIs so i'm not dissing them - I just think it's almost irionic that i've been on this rollercoaster ride of meds, and in the end, we've come back to basics. Take care Mary, and keep writing in here - it's very therapeutic and it's healthy to let the thoughts out. xx.