finding life hard at the moment.

[ElizabethJane]

I feel a bit reluctant to post but I am feeling so lousy so here goes. For the past few days well since the weekend I have had a headache ie from the time I get up all day until I go to bed then wake up in the morning. It is all around my eyes and head. I think it is what is called a tension headache. We are very very busy at work as it is the beginning of term and I work in a specialist music shop. I deal primarily with sheet music and that means orders big school orders. My colleague and I are getting the orders out plus the phone queries/internet orders but I am really bad tempered and irritable. I bit my colleagues head off this morning and we made up later. The words just come out I can't help myself. He says that I am bad tempered in the morning which is true. Another colleague told me to take a few days off but I don't want to. I don't think that my manager would be very pleased with me. The other thing that is happening is I keep getting into verbal fights with other people. One is my other colleague (male) who I only see in the afternoon. I really stood my ground rightly or wrongly. I thought that he might hit me (he did not). I got into a verbal fight with hubs (again all my fault and I can't keep my big mouth shut) I also think that a certain group of people are colluding against me. Again it is because I speak out. One person in particular really hurt me last week which I think was why I rounded on N my hubs. The hurt was so great that it sat on my chest. I could really feel it. Now I know what it feels like to have a weight on my chest. I did talk to hubs and we at least talked about some of his anxieties especially a big move happening in the financial sector. At least we understand each other better. With the other group I wont set myself up for them to attack me. I know that they have it in for me it isn't in my head. My son knows about them too and has noticed this. I have done nothing to tell this person whom I normally like that he upset me last week. These relationships do matter to me. I do not intend to be part of a clique neither will they push me out if that is what they intend. All I ask people here is to understand a little of me that is part of my world. It is a difficult world to be part of at the moment.

[JaneC]

Sorry to hear you are having a hard time EJ. I often I think that as I've got older (I'm 49) I've got a much shorter fuse when dealing with people's cr@p, then again, I'm always worse when there are stresses going on in the background. I'm sorry to hear some people have it in for you at work: it's always common, I think, but never nice.One often ends up taking problems out on wrong people. I've not been much help, I'm sure, but do sympathise.

Just one more thing, if you remember, I've spoken before about the naturopath I see for CFS. One of the minerals I'm taking is described below and I think in general I am a bit less irritable these days (husband might argue). If you feel like it, I'd recommend doing a bit of reading up on the net about :
"biochemic tissue salts"

Below is a description of what potassium phosphate is supposed to do and a link to a website


#6 (#5) KALI PHOS ( Potassium Phosphate)

Nervous headaches, lack of pep, ill humor, skin ailments, sleeplessness, depression, timidity, and tantrums. A constituent of nerve and brain cells, Potassium Phosphate is a useful nerve tonic. This tissue salt is indicated in cases where there is stress and tension and nervous symptoms appear. Particularly valuable for emotional irritability, depression, nervousness, children´s tantrums.

http://www.biochemic-cell-salts.com/12-tissue-salts/

Hope things get easier xx

[ElizabethJane]

Thanks Jane. I'm forty nine too. I have no idea whether I'm approaching the menopause as I had a hyst in 2007. That might explain the grumpiness. I have to be careful when explaining paranoia but this isn't people at work this is in the church choir! Paranoia is a feature of my depression. My boss is an absolute darling but would always side with me even if he thinks that I might have done wrong or been outspoken or headstrong. All my worlds overlap so I see customers in the various choirs that I belong to and some are very old friends of 30 plus years. I have heard of kali phos but I have to be careful what I take as I am also on lithium. I take agnus castus and evening primrose. Maybe I should up the evening primrose from 1,000mg up? I think that the 'upsets' are better out than in. Thanks again. EJ.

[JaneC]

Do you have bipolar disorder EJ, if you don't mind my asking? My friend of 30 years is and often finds life tough. She's tried lots of meds and therapies but it always seems to be a case of sometimes she's well and sometimes she isn't so well. I've never discussed this with her, but I'd say paranoia is a big thing for her. But you know what they say about being paranoid. Can't say anything about your church choir members but have to say some very active church members I've had dealings with recently sure don't seem very Christian in their attitudes towards other people. xx

[ElizabethJane]

No I'm not bi-polar although paranoia is a big issue for me. Dr J says no although I do have mood swings. Lithium is good for me. It stops the really bad lows. I can still get a bit hyper though. He is a consultant psychiatrist so must see plenty of people with bi-polar. I probably share a lot of characteristics of the diease without acutally having it. I do not have rapid cycling for example. Not sure what to do about M. I'll probably tell him that he hurt me.

[JaneC]

I'm sure there's a fair bit of overlapping between things. I tend to experience paranoia when my depression isn't under control.

As for the person who upset you, it's often better to speak to someone than let things fester, but, of course, not always. You will know them best and how to deal with things. May I say, chin up - and I most certainly don't mean that in a pull yourself together way :hugs:

[ellison]

hi sorry to hear your having a a bad time at the mo. have u been to the doctors ?

[ElizabethJane]

Thanks Jane again. Yes Ellison I do go to the doctors once a month for all my checks. My next appointment is on the 5th October. If she thinks that I'm not coping very well she might suggest that I see Dr J. I do that myself as I see him privately. I don't want to bother him unless absolutely necessary and as he is a psychiatrist he might tweak my drugs. Not something I want at the moment. It is hard to step back and realise that it is the illness talking. Sometimes I can do that sometimes I can't.

[ellison]

I no how u feel. i no what u mean about meds. may b just talking to your other doctor will help

[ElizabethJane]

I know that this is a bad thing to say but I have even felt paranoid about my posts on nmp. I just can't bring myself to name the reasons why in case they are true and self fulfilling. I think that is right Jane that somehow my depression is not quite being tackled at the moment. The paranoia is coming to the fore. At least I'm aware of it. The thing is I believe that it is true. Maybe it is? Perhaps someone will come along and say that it is. Sorry if this is a rant from a sick woman. Sometimes things get out of hand and then I act out what I think people are saying about me maybe they are maybe they are not. Sorry about all this. I do have an excellent Dr though.

[ellison]

Things will get better

[ElizabethJane]

ellison I have been on lots of different meds over the years. I don't really want to increase my meds. I am already on maximum dose of mirtazapine and near to limit on lithium. I don't think that he'll increase/change them unless I am really ill or ask him to change them. I don't want to be sedated so that I can't function because that is what it will mean.

[ElizabethJane]

I might talk to his secretary and see what she tells me to do.

[ellison]

just give him a call it does help i talk to mine when i get bad

[ElizabethJane]

thank you for your help ellison. EJ.

[ellison]

your welcome any time

[ladybird64]

Hi there EJ. :)

It sounds like you are really going through the mill at the moment but as you usually do, you are somehow managing to go to work and cope as best as you can!

Please don't apologise for your posts and please don't feel paranoid, you have known many of us long enough to know that we respect you and care for you very much.

It's not a rant, it's getting your feelings down and asking for advice..that's what we are here for remember?

Maybe this episode will pass without having to change dosage of meds, particularly as you realise that you aren't feeling too well but I too think you should ring the secretary for advice.

October 5th isn't a long time to wait but I would hate to think of you feeling so uncomfortable until then..I really would try and out the concern about work to the back burner for the time being.
You can sort all that out when you feel better.

Please let us know how it goes, will be thinking of you :hugs:

[JaneC]

Ladybird is right EJ, you have nothing to apologise for. It seems to me you are one of the people on here who gives much more than they ask. I hope you slept well and tale some comfort from knowing people are thinking about you xx

[shaka]

sorry to hear your having a bad time .heres a hug to help you through:hugs:

[ElizabethJane]

Thank you for helping me. I have just come back from my nieces wedding so will post a more detailed reply tomorrow. EJ

[Patrick Michael]

Hey Elizabeth.

You think you 'conceal' those things that are upsetting for you ? No you have been very open. You are doing LOTS of good things - being open about your feelings, accessing the medical professionals, having some perspective on yoiur 'paranoic' feelings.

Don't say sorry - thats what we all do, Its another piece of 2 by 4 to beat yourself with. I know its our familiar language 'I'm sorry...' Its as if we try to hide, to say we are not every bit as important as the next person.

You/I / we have this forum where we can say what we feel without prejudice or without being judged - and that is a treasure in itself.

I'm starting to come back from 'the dark side of the force' after a very comedy 12 months post a relationship break up. I turn the anger and the unanswered questions inside. I feel vulnerable, fragile and lonely. BUT in the past I have worked damned hard and invested in people I am now fortunate enough to call my friends. Its taken a lot of MORE hard work to open up to them and my family how I am feeling and why I am feeling this way. from prior knowledge I've accessed the medicals - and been prescribed meds - citalopram and temazapam as my sleep has gone haywire. The sleep is slowly starting to come back to normal and I start to make more sense and recognise myself more - and value myself more for all the incredible things I HAVE been able to do whilst the depression was taking a grip - Rebuilt a house, redecorated it, stopped smoking - 4 months now, losing weight and getting healthier and fitter

So - for you as for me - there is LOTS of GOOD news. Keep putting on foot in front of the other. There is NO magic button - god knows if there were we would all press it - but in coming out of this you know that it was by dint of your own efforts and those around you who YOU asked to help support you. That makes you in my eyes - and lots of others - incredible.

One foot in front of the other, one day at a time, little victories every day.

Best

Patrick