stimpy
02-03-04, 09:36
I have phases of anxiety, things like over antisipation and nervous tummy, but yesterday was my first real panic for ages.:(
My starworker tells me it is only natural as it is still early days in my recovery, and it is nothing to worry about - thank goodness.
I got the kids ready for school as usual, and then remembered I hadn't phoned the ring and ride bus service to take me to the Day Centre. (A nice place that does flower aranging and other things to keep me busy while Steve is at work.) So I would have to phone a taxi to take me instead, as I am still scared of walking to the bus stop and public transport.
I thought about it, and it worried me a bit, but I had a bath and got dressed as I would normally do. But the feelings didn't get any better.
I put on a video, did some word puzzles to try and get my brain to think about somethingelse.
But I was aware of the time, and I knew class started at 11 and it was 10.15, and I really should be getting ready to go.
But I felt so ill, and I had to calm down but that would mean I would be late for my class.
I sent Steve several messages to tell him how I was feeling, so at least my phone bleeping would be some sort of comfort in knowing I wasn't alone.
I just kept thinking, I can face this, I feel so ashamed of myself.
Avoidance is not the answer, what if I get a driver I don't know?
What if I get a driver I do know and have to explain where I've been hiding for the last 6 months? I've got to leave the centre at 2.30 to be back for the children, but I need to visit the doctors for more meds, get something to eat for lunch, I need a wedding aniversary pressie for Steve. What if I freakout while I am there or in the taxi? I feel so worthless and useless. Why can't I be normal?
I can't do this. It's nearly 10.30 and I am going to miss my class.
I'm going to have to go around the round about with the really busy traffic and I don't like this. Avoidance is not the answer...
So I tried to calm down. Used my rescue remedy, took deep breaths, did another word puzzle, messaged Steve and all the while the time is ticking away. I read my list of advice on the wall by the phone, reminding me what to do if I got into trouble.
I tried to stop it, like I've done so many times before with great success, but I couldn't. So I started losing control.
Realizing I couldn't do this by myself, and yelling for help wasn't going to do any good as I was home alone. I took some valium, more deep breaths and put on another video. I felt so very tired.
I went back to my friend the sofa, cuddled my huge care bear watched the video and waited for the valium to kick in.
3 chorus' of "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" and "Your cheating heart"
Looking at the clock and thinking, 11.28, ah nuts! I must book bus for Thursday...
I fell fast asleep for nearly 2 hours.
Mary arrived, rang the bell and woke me up and we went to get the kids, then I went shopping, washed the dishes and helped cook the tea.
So, what started badly, ended a little bit better and I was able to get things done, admittedly I was shaking and de-personalized.
But I lived to fight Mr Panic another day.[8D]
Sorry for the long rant [:I]
Did I do the right things, do you think ?
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric
My starworker tells me it is only natural as it is still early days in my recovery, and it is nothing to worry about - thank goodness.
I got the kids ready for school as usual, and then remembered I hadn't phoned the ring and ride bus service to take me to the Day Centre. (A nice place that does flower aranging and other things to keep me busy while Steve is at work.) So I would have to phone a taxi to take me instead, as I am still scared of walking to the bus stop and public transport.
I thought about it, and it worried me a bit, but I had a bath and got dressed as I would normally do. But the feelings didn't get any better.
I put on a video, did some word puzzles to try and get my brain to think about somethingelse.
But I was aware of the time, and I knew class started at 11 and it was 10.15, and I really should be getting ready to go.
But I felt so ill, and I had to calm down but that would mean I would be late for my class.
I sent Steve several messages to tell him how I was feeling, so at least my phone bleeping would be some sort of comfort in knowing I wasn't alone.
I just kept thinking, I can face this, I feel so ashamed of myself.
Avoidance is not the answer, what if I get a driver I don't know?
What if I get a driver I do know and have to explain where I've been hiding for the last 6 months? I've got to leave the centre at 2.30 to be back for the children, but I need to visit the doctors for more meds, get something to eat for lunch, I need a wedding aniversary pressie for Steve. What if I freakout while I am there or in the taxi? I feel so worthless and useless. Why can't I be normal?
I can't do this. It's nearly 10.30 and I am going to miss my class.
I'm going to have to go around the round about with the really busy traffic and I don't like this. Avoidance is not the answer...
So I tried to calm down. Used my rescue remedy, took deep breaths, did another word puzzle, messaged Steve and all the while the time is ticking away. I read my list of advice on the wall by the phone, reminding me what to do if I got into trouble.
I tried to stop it, like I've done so many times before with great success, but I couldn't. So I started losing control.
Realizing I couldn't do this by myself, and yelling for help wasn't going to do any good as I was home alone. I took some valium, more deep breaths and put on another video. I felt so very tired.
I went back to my friend the sofa, cuddled my huge care bear watched the video and waited for the valium to kick in.
3 chorus' of "Jesus wants me for a sunbeam" and "Your cheating heart"
Looking at the clock and thinking, 11.28, ah nuts! I must book bus for Thursday...
I fell fast asleep for nearly 2 hours.
Mary arrived, rang the bell and woke me up and we went to get the kids, then I went shopping, washed the dishes and helped cook the tea.
So, what started badly, ended a little bit better and I was able to get things done, admittedly I was shaking and de-personalized.
But I lived to fight Mr Panic another day.[8D]
Sorry for the long rant [:I]
Did I do the right things, do you think ?
Love, light and Best wishes
Liz xxx
[:p] Panic Monster & Scatty Eccentric