Fear of seeing people on drugs

[harasgenster]

Hello

I've been around people who take drugs since I was a relatively young teenager and never had this problem until the last couple of years.

I've even taken drugs myself but couldn't enjoy them anymore once I was an adult because they made me too anxious.

Now I have an irrational fear of seeing people I love high. I know my boyfriend used to take drugs and images of him on them flash through my mind. It makes me feel panicky and upset.

I get the same feelings when the thought crosses my mind that he might take them again.

These emotions are so intense that, although I love him and we're about to move in together I feel ready to leave him just to escape the possibility. But then I feel like I'll need to lock myself away to escape the possibility of ever seeing anyone on drugs. I actually don't know anyone who hasn't taken them at some point.

The only thing I can think of that may have caused this is conditioning. I had an abusive boyfriend when I was a teenager who made me stop taking drugs (although I was only on weed) and I lost all of my friends. Mostly it was because they couldn't stand being around my boyfriend but also because they were all taking drugs and moving on to other, harder drugs and would not join in. I would start to get scared when they took them - not of their health, just the idea they weren't "them" anymore - and they started hiding it from me so I wouldn't annoy them about it.

I was lonely when they were gone and blamed it on the drug thing as well as myself. It's only now I'm older I can see it was boyfriends fault (really long story I won't go into).

After a couple of years, in my early twenties, I felt like I hadn't lived. I hadn't gone to parties or taken drugs and had fun because I was kept away from those things. I didn't go through it with my best friends like everyone else did because my boyfriend controlled my life.

I think this is why I get so panicky and upset about drugs now - it reminds me of that pain and the feeling that I want to go back and do it myself for the first time with my best mates doing it for the first time - the times they got to share and I missed out on.

Sorry for the really long post but these feelings are controlling my life at the moment. Anybody any suggestions how I can just get over this?!

Thanks

[sarah_85]

i can relate to what you're going through. even though my anxiety only started a few months ago, my boyfriend used to take e and mdma quite a bit because he's into that sort of music and the clubs where those sort of djs play. i also have taken mdma once and although it was enjoyable, it was too much for me and i havent taken any drugs for years now and i never would again. but, my point is, even before the anxiety and even though id taken them myself, i have NEVER liked the idea of him taking them cause i worry that he might get hurt or die. the only way i dealt with it was by telling him exactly how i felt, to the point where i told him there was no way i could handling him going out if i knew he'd be doing it, it worried and upset me too much. luckily he understood and hasnt taken them since. and i guess we've out grown it now anyway, as we have full time jobs and life has settled down in that sense.
i'd tell him how you feel, im sure he will agree that it isnt worth sacrificing your relationship over.
hope that helps :) xxx