back at uni 8hrs from home ..struggling :(

[~glowly worm~]

Hey :(

dont exactly know what to say as ocd is so bad cant do much at all, lke getting thoughts controlled etc so this may not make sense have to write whats in my head and really scared. Back at uni mum left today, chose accommodation cos it was meant to b clean but its not at all, really scared and so so tired. Just want to go home, am on my own i do have lots of friends here but they all busy and i darent go out further than the shops. Plus dont want them to be my therapists or see me a the one with the problems cos im such a mess! I went away to do that and now im back i want to be ok..and some dont even know what happened .. I just want to be me but dont even have the confidence to be with others.

supposed to b helping with an event next week 4 freshers but really cant just so exhausted..

cried before i left then almost all way here, cant even read cos makes me feel so sad and had thoughts of suicide have to watch what head says its just all going wrong. I always had seperation anxiety but pushed myself so cud get to uni away from home, maybe its just too far? mum had to drive me here cos cudnt drive but have own car its so stupid
Feeling ill with panic like non stop panic attacks, just dont know what to do. I want to go home and cant stop crying, but if i do i feel i have failed as it took 3 yrs to get my 1st yr cos of hpspital etc and that was hard too. Lost appetite, can barely eat anyway cos too scared of food, can barely wash, and this is just day one. last term i got thru by eating out all the time took all my money but kept me going but even that right now feels impossible. Am 300 miles from home wish cud transfer if i do tho i have no mental health services cos theres an 18mth wait back home and im with the ones already in my uni town who have done more for me than local ones ever have and my family may be moving towns anyway so i wudnt know where to transfer to or even if i cud transfer plus i know the uni, the town, the support services and dept who are all really supportive. also have panic attacks on trains or motorways or dual cariageways and was workin on that in summer but it took 2 days to get here cos of avoiding them. everything i do everything i think is controlled it wasnt like this last week, it was bad but its was geting better, untl i knew i had to cme back..So very scared please help... i dont hae thrapy until next week and have to get thru but not sure how..knew it wud b hard but this is just awful, it doenst feel plain homesickness but more..
what happened was wanted to finish yr 1 so pushed self to come 2 days out of 18mths in 3 hospitals where i ended up half way thru yr 1 to back to uni. I got so much better in finalhosp and was so well but back at uni pushed so hard and havent been right since. I did get thru the yr -just..but thought wud b able to work on it over summer and b ok but there was no help in my area and tho i worked hard and was doing so good at driving again progress wise i just dont feel ready to be here at all but i have to get this degree. In theory i have everything here, wonderful friends, wonderful mental health team, but i just feel soooo awful and want to be at home. At 23 i cudnt leave my mum so ive done wel and even spent a yr 200 miles from home to get access course to get to uni but i just dont feel .........i mean i know this is bad for me because last time it led to.. stuff.. i have a support worker who i can see later this week ad usually a social worker but they decided to take these first 3 weeks off on holiday... so dont have them.

have tried to sort out the dirty fridge & the lovely people came to sort it out but the cleaners were away so they just wiped it down and left it to defrost on the floor cant explain about the ocd and therefore afraid of seeming fussy and too scard to wash it myself cos dont feel clean myself and get scared it isnt clean either.. can use bathroom, just.. but so tired cant think of anyhting except studying and that doesnt start until next friday. I just want to go home and sleep. Havent a clue how im going to get thru this yr. feel such a loser, like i shud just get on with it but just cant...so tired..

will also be letting down a friend if i leave.

Used to do things to cope (not good things) and im having to go back...

I feel like i need 6 months off just for me, just to work on these things, but i cant do that here cos of the fear and i cant do it at home cos theres no support. dIf i go home the whole town wil know it and i wanted to prove i more than they thought i was growing up when i was bullied and friendless plus im almost 30 and am so scared il never get to be where i want to be if i stop now..and may not even get funded for uni again but think im cracking up again. scared if i at il get ill scard if i dont eat il, get ill and im scared if i dont saty here ill end up being at home forever never having children, a relationship, never having a life outside my family which is not the ideal anyway esp cos all my friends are at uni not home.
Thanku for any support, even just vitual hug... and so sorry to those i owe mesages to x just havent stopped all week trying to get ready to go and now im a mess and its going the way it went before.

have to register at gps on monday and hate going there, so scared.. just want to go home..
sorry ....

a messed up...Glowly x

[mumble]

You will work through these things. When I moved out to uni in my own flat it was terrifying. There was a used fridge there, and I had to give it a good scrub out. Also lived with some suspicious neighbours, the boiler broke, there was no landline phone, no mobile reception at all, not even one bar, no internet. I was completely cut off, terrified, alone. Then the ceiling started leaking at the start from the neighbours above with their washing machine, had men in and out - they messed up my bathroom, dropped my new electric toothbrush on the floor. Oh it was a huge ordeal.

But I made it through. These things are blips. Take it step by step. Do what you can manage in small amounts.

edit: forgot to mention - I have severe contamination OCD and emetophobia.

[~glowly worm~]

hey mumble,

that sounds awful! But it is amazingly encouraging and it helps thanks x
How on earth did u do it?

Would you mind letting me know a bit more about it?

Like with the fridge how did u manage to know it was clean enough?

Many thanks indeed and yay to ur determination! x

[paula lynne]

keep going, never give up.:bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::b ighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug 1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bi ghug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1::bighug1 ::bighug1:

[mumble]

Glad it helps somewhat. I know sometimes when other people have been through similar things it can help it along.

At the time I was so upset and scared, I considered running next door and asking to dial 999 on their phone! But I knew these issues would pass/be sorted, and managed to get to bed. Distraction does help, dvds, etc. Sometimes it takes a bit of concerted effort to do it.

I found playing on my iPhone with silly little games like scrabble and watching movies as I said - helped. Especially old favorite movies, like comfort ones. In a strange place, it can bring an element of safety back.
I just took each day/hour as it came, and tried to go with it.

Eventually BT came out weeks later, then "fixed" the landline - they actually needed to come back as it still wasn't! With things like the phone and stuff, I went out and bought a cheap 20 quid pay as you go mobile on a network I know worked there for a while. Started getting little bits of nice furniture to build, make it home.

With the fridge, I used a special cleaner which you can find in most shops, microwave and fridge specific cleaner, small green bottle - with some blue cloths and obviously the fridge was off still, took out all the shelves, did them one by one, put them on a (previously cleaned) worktop,started at the top and worked my way down, into each corner, so I could feel reassured that I had got all areas and surfaces of it covered. I know it's easy later on to think 'did I do that... what about there... oh I'm going to have to clean it all again' if you doubt things.

[~glowly worm~]

Hi mumble, so sorry took me ages to reply, havent been on here as been sorting so much stuff out x But ur word sof how u coped are really comforting *huggles*

Things are a bit complicated at mo so cant really give an update other than to say its still tough. Cleaned fridge/freezer (remembering your advice ;) ) and feeling less alone and have managed to make a few meals.
Have to dash now- ben trying to connect to chat but it wont work! Still,u really did help me and will re read your words to keep me going, so thanku :) x
How are things with you now? Hope much better? x

And Paula lynne, thanku so much for the hugs :) means alot x