Laves
26-09-10, 20:48
Hi everyone,
I'm having a pretty strange time at the moment. I feel that posting on this forum will probably help me as I imagine that some of you have got things in common with me. I'd really appreciate it if anyone who has had similar stuff happen could share their thoughts and experiences.
I suffer from frequent panic attacks and ongoing OCD. These problems started in my teens and have developed. I have just finished a degree in Literature in Philosophy and am now working at a bar. I think a lot about doing an MRes degree since I enjoyed my undergraduate degree and, although I was and sometimes still am stiflingly under-confident in my abilities, I had moments of doing well. I'm at a cross-roads, I don't intend to work in a bar for more than a year however, to do my degree I need to have a research idea that is actually good. I often feel like I'm not good enough, smart enough, creative enough, passionate enough or predisposed enough to take my studies to the next level. For this reason, I feel a lack of purpose as I watch many people around me get on with projects. I feel impotent, barren and frustrated.
I was receiving the first helpful therapy I've ever had until about two months prior to the end of degree. Considering the state I'm in now, I'm pretty angry at my therapist. In my follow-up appointment I explained that I was in a bad way again. Constantly obsessing, constantly seeking reassurance, getting anxious and being unable to meet the obligations of my job and my social life. I asked what the rationale behind only being allocated 8 (or so) sessions at a time was. She responded by saying that there is no evidence that ongoing treatment would help me. Part of me understands her point, like, you know, learn mindfulness, learn exposure therapy, understand CBT and then employ it accordingly forever by yourself. But I can't do it by myself, I'm not strong enough, it's awful sometimes. I'm now in a position where I'm unable to live a normal life. I can't earn money, I am constantly anxious, obsessing, ill or exhausted and so far, I have no MRes idea.
At the moment, my obsessions are around two main areas. Firstly, I am constantly frightened of being ill. By 'ill' I mean anything. A lot of anxiety literature refers to a fear of death from illness but, for me, any illness is difficult to cope with. A cold is enough to make me completely terrified and to prevent me from going out or enjoying myself. I will stay in bed and think about my symptoms, testing them for their severity. I constantly take medications, even when I don't need them. I avoid anyone who's ill. I binge on multivitamins, healthy food, water in an excessive way to try and ward off the chance of ever getting infected. I miss work even if I'm tired since I worry that my immune system will be compromised. I am scared that if I get anything more serious than the flu I will go insane from the fear and will try and kill myself. What's worse is, I feel ill all the time. I presume this has to do with the link between stress and the compromise of the immune system. I have a lot of panic attacks, this effects my digestion pretty badly which makes me embarassed and ashamed and more scared that it may be something worse.
I have another group of anxieties surrounding my sexual identity and sexual feelings. For 6 years I was certain that I was a paedophile and was obsessed with the idea that I was going to sexually assault children. I promised myself that if I ever got close I would kill myself without hesitation. I convinced myself I was evil and dangerous. I am getting closer to being able to deal with these feelings. I spent a year with therapists until the date I mentioned above and these feelings have somewhat loosened. I however, still feel uneasy talking to children or being close to them, I also really don't like seeing them on TV. Since the therapy I had about this issue I've been able to start a relationship. Relationships in the past were always a breeding ground of pain, doubt, denial and humiliation. This one has been better and I have been confident to express myself sexually in a less inhibited way.
However, recently I have had spells of being anxious about whether I fancy my girlfriend. I have admitted it to her several times and after admitting it became easier. It was then followed by several weeks of feeling happy, reassured and really enjoying being with her and missing her. The thought then comes back and I try and fight it. I can see my behaviour change towards her and I notice that I don't feel enthusiastic anymore. It's awful. I wish I didn't feel it. I don't understand since there's nothing wrong with her. There's so much I love about her but I can't shift it. My girlfriend was understanding when it happened before and put it down to having a disproportionate response to the normal ebb and flow of attraction in a relationship. However, after my latest tearful and ashamed confession she said she couldn't deal with it until I could deal with whatever it is, OCD-linked or not. This was the day before yesterday. I've two very strange days of anxiety, tearfulness, doubt and then periods of feeling fine. I don't know what is wrong with me. I could lose something massively important, or I could attribute a natural growing-apart to something else. I'm so confused, it's absolutely awful. Last night I missed her so much. I hate that I feel like this.
Has anyone had any experiences of what I've mentioned in this post? Sorry for going on, but I wanted to express myself and flesh out what is going on in my life.
Laves.
I'm having a pretty strange time at the moment. I feel that posting on this forum will probably help me as I imagine that some of you have got things in common with me. I'd really appreciate it if anyone who has had similar stuff happen could share their thoughts and experiences.
I suffer from frequent panic attacks and ongoing OCD. These problems started in my teens and have developed. I have just finished a degree in Literature in Philosophy and am now working at a bar. I think a lot about doing an MRes degree since I enjoyed my undergraduate degree and, although I was and sometimes still am stiflingly under-confident in my abilities, I had moments of doing well. I'm at a cross-roads, I don't intend to work in a bar for more than a year however, to do my degree I need to have a research idea that is actually good. I often feel like I'm not good enough, smart enough, creative enough, passionate enough or predisposed enough to take my studies to the next level. For this reason, I feel a lack of purpose as I watch many people around me get on with projects. I feel impotent, barren and frustrated.
I was receiving the first helpful therapy I've ever had until about two months prior to the end of degree. Considering the state I'm in now, I'm pretty angry at my therapist. In my follow-up appointment I explained that I was in a bad way again. Constantly obsessing, constantly seeking reassurance, getting anxious and being unable to meet the obligations of my job and my social life. I asked what the rationale behind only being allocated 8 (or so) sessions at a time was. She responded by saying that there is no evidence that ongoing treatment would help me. Part of me understands her point, like, you know, learn mindfulness, learn exposure therapy, understand CBT and then employ it accordingly forever by yourself. But I can't do it by myself, I'm not strong enough, it's awful sometimes. I'm now in a position where I'm unable to live a normal life. I can't earn money, I am constantly anxious, obsessing, ill or exhausted and so far, I have no MRes idea.
At the moment, my obsessions are around two main areas. Firstly, I am constantly frightened of being ill. By 'ill' I mean anything. A lot of anxiety literature refers to a fear of death from illness but, for me, any illness is difficult to cope with. A cold is enough to make me completely terrified and to prevent me from going out or enjoying myself. I will stay in bed and think about my symptoms, testing them for their severity. I constantly take medications, even when I don't need them. I avoid anyone who's ill. I binge on multivitamins, healthy food, water in an excessive way to try and ward off the chance of ever getting infected. I miss work even if I'm tired since I worry that my immune system will be compromised. I am scared that if I get anything more serious than the flu I will go insane from the fear and will try and kill myself. What's worse is, I feel ill all the time. I presume this has to do with the link between stress and the compromise of the immune system. I have a lot of panic attacks, this effects my digestion pretty badly which makes me embarassed and ashamed and more scared that it may be something worse.
I have another group of anxieties surrounding my sexual identity and sexual feelings. For 6 years I was certain that I was a paedophile and was obsessed with the idea that I was going to sexually assault children. I promised myself that if I ever got close I would kill myself without hesitation. I convinced myself I was evil and dangerous. I am getting closer to being able to deal with these feelings. I spent a year with therapists until the date I mentioned above and these feelings have somewhat loosened. I however, still feel uneasy talking to children or being close to them, I also really don't like seeing them on TV. Since the therapy I had about this issue I've been able to start a relationship. Relationships in the past were always a breeding ground of pain, doubt, denial and humiliation. This one has been better and I have been confident to express myself sexually in a less inhibited way.
However, recently I have had spells of being anxious about whether I fancy my girlfriend. I have admitted it to her several times and after admitting it became easier. It was then followed by several weeks of feeling happy, reassured and really enjoying being with her and missing her. The thought then comes back and I try and fight it. I can see my behaviour change towards her and I notice that I don't feel enthusiastic anymore. It's awful. I wish I didn't feel it. I don't understand since there's nothing wrong with her. There's so much I love about her but I can't shift it. My girlfriend was understanding when it happened before and put it down to having a disproportionate response to the normal ebb and flow of attraction in a relationship. However, after my latest tearful and ashamed confession she said she couldn't deal with it until I could deal with whatever it is, OCD-linked or not. This was the day before yesterday. I've two very strange days of anxiety, tearfulness, doubt and then periods of feeling fine. I don't know what is wrong with me. I could lose something massively important, or I could attribute a natural growing-apart to something else. I'm so confused, it's absolutely awful. Last night I missed her so much. I hate that I feel like this.
Has anyone had any experiences of what I've mentioned in this post? Sorry for going on, but I wanted to express myself and flesh out what is going on in my life.
Laves.