get all this off my chest :(

[avahsuzi]

hi all

decided to pluck up some courage and write a lil bit .

im a 27 yr old girl , with three kids . i have suffered severe anxiety for around nine years , since i was raped and became pregnant by the attacker , when i gave birth to my son he went straight and lived with my mum has done ever since , after a coouple of years a had got myself together and met a new man "the love of my life "we had a son together and it was perfect no depression ,nothing he made me feel safe and thn through a stupid argument and dwn to my health decreasing again , i lost him the love of my life had enough and walked away . after a couple of weeks we decided to try again , and found out i was pregnant again within about 4 weeks , he didnt want it neither did i if i was honest but i cudni get rid of it .. so he left again and wanted nothing to do with me or our unborn child, throughout the pregnancy he continued to be a fantastic father to our son , i tryed to involve him in th epregnancy but he wanted nothing to do with any of it, until the day i gave birth to our daughter , when he just swanned in the hospital as if the last nine months had'nt happened, but i bit my tongue , and accepted it.. when i left hospital he visited our daughter etc , i was doin well mentally and physically , with both children , when around my daughter being three months old my ex chapped on my door and asked to talk .. he said he missed me etc etc , i agreed to giv it a shot , he left and said hed text me later tht day , and he did .. but only to tell me he had made a mistake , i was gutted , there and then my heart just broke to a million pieces , my mental health got so bad i couldnt look after myslef let alone the kids , i suffer terrible panic attacks and general anxiety , teh kids got taken off me and given to my ex , not be cause i neglected them or anything just because my mental health jus stopped me from coping so well . but given them to him just kicked me in the teeth again , and basically its went from bad to worse since then a year ago ... in january i got diagnosed with cervical cancer , im almost six months in remission now .. but my life is hell .. i spend everyday panickin from moment i wake up till moment i go to sleep (wen i sleep).. i dont even no what am panickin for its jus there , i cant go out i cant eat , i cant socialise in anyway am stuck in this house .. petrified of being alone , i won back my 50/50 rights of the kids about two months ago .. but i have done nothing about it , im too scared , im frightened i lose them again .. its been two weeks since ive seen them .. and i miss them terribley it hurts so bad , but it hurts worse wen their here cuz i no thy need to go back to him , and im alone.. ireally want my family back .. i just no its never going to happen now .. i admitted myself to hospital last week as i really feel so low that i dont feel safe to be alone , and thy dishcarged me that day and told me to rely on my family .. but i really need help .. im 27 , never drank in my life never touched a drug in my life , i dnt even take a pain killer !! ive been precribed many meds but im to frightned to take them too .. oh i dont even think half of this will have made sense and tbh i dont even no why im writing it , i just no im at the end of the line i cant go lower , and i just dont no what to do .. i just want someone to hold me and tell me it'll all be fine , but thr is no one .. even the kids are gone and the pain is unbearable and people must think im terrible mother , but i do love them sooo much .. i jus cant cope .. but i soo want to cope :( aww i dunno

x

[gemstar07]

Hi, know you've taken a brave step coming on here, and a step in the right direction. The people and the advice they give are amazing. Read through some of the posts and you'll soon see. Have you ever had any medication and stuck to it or had any counselling, psychotherapy? I'm a bit wobbly myself at the moment. But I wanted you to know I've experienced some of the same feelings of almost despair I guess you could say and came out the other side. It takes time, but it's true, when you're down the only way you can go is up! Sending you big virtual hugs :hugs:

[avahsuzi]

thnks for writing , erm yeah i see a phycologist and phyciatrist .. i did get phycotherapy but i was paying privately for that and jus cudni afford it anymore , i have never ever stuck with any meds am petrified what thy will do to me i think im goin to collect the new meds up tomo taking it is another thing, its good to no that other people have experienced similar things , u reallly do feel like your the one .. a just really want to be better nuhhin fantastic jus a bit better so i can see the kids etc thanks again xxx

[alihud]

Oh hun i really really feel for you.You have had a simply awful time but you know what?You're still here!!That shows you still have some strength even tho you may not feel that way.
I can totally understand how much you are missing you're kids.Could you try and organise seeing them again soon?I have 2 children myself and am a single parent,my husband bogged off when the kids were very young.
Are your family supportive of you?
I'm so sorry to hear about the cancer as well,no wonder you're feeling so rubbish.
I will send you a huge hug and am sending you some strength to keep going.Please keep posting and you can pm me if you like if you ever need a friend.
Ali xxxx

[ladyj]

OH honey i feel for you i really do my boys are grown now but i can not imagine how you must be feeling but believe me you are stronger than you think after all that has happened and also you have taken the very brave step reaching out on here there are many ppl who can advise you and even just chat so you hang on in there and keep your chin up you are so much stronger than you realize ((((hugs)))) for you hun x

[Vixxy]

Youve had a terrible time and it says to me that you ARE a very strong person! Youve got through so many problems and youre still standing.
Youve got a goal (getting your kids back) to work towards which will be a huge benefit to you on your road to recovery. You need to keep thinking about this goal through every moment in your life until theyre back. It will help you to overcome many of your fears.

As for how to get out of this slump. Firstly you need to give yourself some credit for getting through all of this. You need to accept you are doing everything you can do at this present moment and that you are doing your best to get through this.
Look to do one positive thing a day. Even if its just washing your hair. Keep a note of all the positive things you do each day.

A fear of medication is a fairly common side effect of anxiety problems. I know theyre scary, but think how great it would be if those pills could get you on the road to getting your family back. They wont be an instant fix, but they might help you to start your journey.

Everyone on these forums are here for you.

[avahsuzi]

thanks everyone for ur replies :) , Ali thankyou for your kind words, im tryin to see the children tomo .. i jus dont want to take them then something happens then he has a reason to bring up in court .. its hard , my family have been great // though after 9 yrs thr tiring .. and just cant cope with it anymore . thanks lady j ..am defo goin to try and stick into this support system and see if it helps . thanks also to vixxy .. i wont give up ... i jus fear of ever getting that last piece of guts that makes me give up .. does that make sense ? .. thanks so much everyone for your words just knowing some people have experienced similar things or are simply thr for support is a great relief !

x
x

[Vixxy]

Just the fact that youve not given up yet means you wont. People with anxiety are stronger willed and more courageous than people without it. We tackle and live with these horrible problems, and still get up to face the next day!
You can do it :D

[avahsuzi]

thanks again vixxy ... :D xx

[paula lynne]

Just wanted to say hi and welcome x:welcome:

[Carly Lou]

Hey.... Just wanted to say hello and you are a very brave person xxx
We are all here to help you with anything... xxxx

[olderfella]

Hi and welcome youve had a very rough time but youre still going well done it takes a lot of guts to put all that out in the open,try your meds they could help no end take care youre not alone:winks:

[avahsuzi]

awe thanks guys .. truly means alot to hear from everybody , esp after the day ive had .. havent been able to eat all day .. sooo annoyin as im starvin .. even eating is too hard to do !! .. gt my phycologist tommorow so .. hopin i find some strength in that appointment xx

[Poppy12]

Hi honey, just wanted to give you a (((big hug))). You've been through such a lot in your life. And you're still here to tell the tale. You are a true survivor so a big pat on the back to you. It might be worth trying the meds, they can be quite helpful. Do you know what meds you've been prescribed? It might be worth posting the names of them so we can tell you of any side effects you might or might not have. Keep on keeping on. Rooting for you. X

[Del1970]

By god Avahsuzi, You really have been through the mill and like others have already pointed out you really must be one strong young woman, hold your head up high and be proud of that! (you ex is actually weaker than you for walking away! I'm sure with the right help you will be able to steer yourself in the right direction, just try taking your meds for a short while to see how you feel, you may get slight side effects that will knock you off track but its just your body getting used to them, Take one day at a time because each small step counts, We all know its not easy but given time you may feel stable enough to regularly see and bond with your children enough to get them back.
My heart goes out to you and you may not realise it but you do have the strength! start to believe in yourself thats the first step!
Good luck love
X