I don't know how much longer I can go on like this...

[WillowTree]

Hello everyone, I'm a 30 year old married mum of one and while I've been an anxious person all my life, it's only within the last few months I've started having panic attacks. I'm on 20mg Citalopram and have been for 5 weeks (started off on 10mg) but it doesn't seem to be working.

I was working two jobs (I do a bit of part time cleaning) but have had to leave one of them because I was so run down. I'm even struggling with the other job now and even though the ladies I work with are lovely and understanding, I'm finding it so hard to keep going. Every day I suddenly get breathless, it feels like my throat is swelling closed and my chest is tight. I get dizzy, shaky, I gasp and feel like I'm suffocating. I'm terrified I'm going to die; I feel like I'm dying and the impulse is to run away but there's no-where to go. The only place I feel safe is at home.

I'm so worn out by it all. I hate my little boy, who's 5, seeing me having panic attacks but I can't control them. I'm worried that I'm going to get so bad that I won't be able to work or even leave the house.

I feel so alone and I'm tired of being scared.

[calm]

HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII WILLOW,

oh my love......i know exactly, exactly how you are feeling....you are truly truly not alone....it is as we always say so much harder when we have children.

we all get scared....but now you are here and this is such a family xxxxx you will never be alone again xxxxxxx

can i just ask.....and obviously you dont have to answer....but do you have a support network near you....family or friends close by.

for me, no1 seems to fully understand - and that makes it all the more difficult.

my daughter is 13.....and i am trying so hard to keep it from her.....we want to protect our children and i am petrified that i will give her anxiety/panic!

do feel free to send a private message to me if you need a 1-1 chat xxxxx

love tracey xxxxxxx

[WillowTree]

Thanks so much for your lovely reply!:)

My husband is very good and tries his best but he's so laid back and I know he doesn't understand. I sometimes wonder if he thinks I'm making it up.

It feels as if the safe places are getting fewer and fewer: I mean I had a panic attack in the bath the other day so now I'm nervous of having a bath! It comes BANG! out of nowhere so there's no preparing for it.

It's funny but I think I'm a lot worse since having my son because I'm terrified of dying and leaving him motherless. That's what flashes through my mind as I'm gasping: "I can't die now, I'm not ready, he can't cope without his mummy" :weep:

Speaking of the little devil I'd better get his tea on. I'll be back later and I'd love to be part of this family and maybe help others like myself.

Thanks again :hugs:

[caz1625]

Don't be too hard on yourself.

I have 2 boys aged 24 and 18 and they have never known me any other way. My panic attacks started before my first son was born. Having spoken to them many times about it and telling them how guilty I have felt that I couldn't go to their sports days parents evenings etc they have both assured me that it didn't bother them. We have a very close relationship.

I try to look at the positive that my panic attacks have made me a better mum as I have always been able to be there for my kids. My mum died of cancer a few years ago and I nursed her at home for the last 3 months of her life. If I hadn't suffered from panic attacks I would probably have had a full time job and would not have been able to do this for her.

There is good that comes from it :)

Carol xx

[calm]

oh carol...what a great post xxxx and so inspirational to all us mums ...thank you xxxxxxxxx

[caz1625]

Thanks calm.............I spent too many years feeling guilty about what I couldn't do and then one day I realised that there were many things I had been able to do. At the age of 45 I started studying with the Open University and am just about to start my 3rd course!!

I think my panic attacks have made me a better person.

Carol xx

[calm]

Thanks so much for your lovely reply!:)

My husband is very good and tries his best but he's so laid back and I know he doesn't understand. I sometimes wonder if he thinks I'm making it up.

It feels as if the safe places are getting fewer and fewer: I mean I had a panic attack in the bath the other day so now I'm nervous of having a bath! It comes BANG! out of nowhere so there's no preparing for it.

It's funny but I think I'm a lot worse since having my son because I'm terrified of dying and leaving him motherless. That's what flashes through my mind as I'm gasping: "I can't die now, I'm not ready, he can't cope without his mummy" :weep:

Speaking of the little devil I'd better get his tea on. I'll be back later and I'd love to be part of this family and maybe help others like myself.

Thanks again :hugs:

willow..i also get scared that i will leave kerrylouise..that is my greatest fear....and i dont know wot the answers are as this is one of my highest anxieties....i think all us mums/dads must think like this....but for us....maybe a combination of things that have happened in our lives have pushed this so much to the fore....it is such an awful awful feeling.

you know wot...we are not going to die my love, we will be here for them.....we will try and do our best xxxxx you sound like a lovely, caring mum xxxxx who at the moment like so many of us needs some words of comfort and some tlc....and you will get it here xxxxxx

my hubby sounds so much like yours....does not get uptight...and he cannot understand why i am like this....why i am not the "tracey" before june.....its just as i said...so much pressure ......and unfortunately it has hit us this way.........im waffling arent i....so sorry!:bighug1:

[calm]

caz....thank you so much for sharing with us...it is so so so wonderful to here a good post xxxxxx

much love and thank you xxxxxx

[caz1625]

The more you stress about them the worse they are. I think what I am trying to say is if they go tomorrow and you never have another one then great but if they don't then you learn to live with them. I have been having them for 25yrs and they haven't killed me (yet!!) :D

So what that I can't go to supermarkets........I get to sit in the comfort of my own home with a coffee and shop online.

I think looking after my mum completely changed my view on things. My sister moved house 2 weeks ago and I still haven't been to see her as I now have to travel on a motorway to get there. Even with my son driving this is a nightmare for me. But you know what I will go when I am having a good day and until then it doesn't really matter. I won't die cos I haven't been yet and she won't die cos I haven't been to see her.

Just hang on in there and think about the good things you do each day and not the bad bits. :yesyes:

Carol xx

[calm]

thank you Carol xxxxxx

Willlow.........how are you doing now????? please keep us posted wont you....thinking of you xxxxxx

[caz1625]

Willow when you go for a bath leave the bathroom door open. I found that the steam made me breathless which made me think of a panic attack so one would come on. I find that if I leave the door open or the window you can breathe much easier and relax. Hope it works for you :hugs:

Carol xx

[WillowTree]

Hello guys, thanks for the replies; it's nice to hear some positive aspects of our problems!

I managed the bath without incident lol.

I was okay when I woke up this morning and managed fine at work but as 8 o' clock neared (when I finish work) I started to get breathless and agitated again. It's because I have to walk my son to school, wait in the playground with all the other children and parents, and then walk home again afterwards. I get really stressed about it because I'm worried I'm either not going to be able to do it and so will have to inconvenience my husband (again!) by getting him to do it and so make him late for work or I'll have a massive panic attack in the playground/town and make a fool of myself.

Managed it okay this morning but have to go back this afternoon for a parents drop-in session and I'm dreading it. It's going to mean being in a busy classroom full of children and parents and I'm terrified I'm not going to be able to cope. I forgot to take my tablet this morning so have only just taken it so hopefully the side effects won't set me off.

Anyway, sorry to waffle on!

How are all you lovely people?:hugs:

[alihud]

Hiya Willow.I'm Ali and i have 2 children aged 11 and 14 and i have lovely panic attacks too lol.Mine revolve around when i dont feel well which can come on at any time as i have a chronic illness.Anyway my friend who has panics as well told me to keep thinking about something really silly when i have panics like 2 legged horses or coloured sheep,making up silly pictures in my head and i've been using this distraction technique and it does help especially when i have to do something that makes me anxious.There are lots of coping techniques on here if you look through the posts.
Caz i think you're posts are very positive.So what if we have panics?Doesn't mean we are aliens or anything does it?Its just our adrenalin goes haywire when its triggered.
Ali xx

[lajjj]

hi willowtree i am in exactly the same situation.... 30 yr old mum with a 6 year old every morning i have to drive 20 mins to take my daughter to school then go to work its such a struggle takes everything i have just to leave the house! i worry so much bout it all i get so scared the panic attacks will get so bad that i wont leave the house and then i wont be able to look after my little girl or take her to school! and i wont be able to go to work and that im going mad and maybe i just cant cope with life!!!!!! i will bet there are tons of other mothers at the schools in the same boat i wish sometimes i could find them then we could all stand in the play grounds together supporting each other! xx

[WillowTree]

hi willowtree i am in exactly the same situation.... 30 yr old mum with a 6 year old every morning i have to drive 20 mins to take my daughter to school then go to work its such a struggle takes everything i have just to leave the house! i worry so much bout it all i get so scared the panic attacks will get so bad that i wont leave the house and then i wont be able to look after my little girl or take her to school! and i wont be able to go to work and that im going mad and maybe i just cant cope with life!!!!!! i will bet there are tons of other mothers at the schools in the same boat i wish sometimes i could find them then we could all stand in the play grounds together supporting each other! xx

Hee hee I can imagine us all shaking in the corner of the playground!:D

The other mums all look so happy and confident and I feel I must look like a right weirdo breathing heavily and shaking :blush:.

I'm already getting nervous about it being Monday tomorrow and having to go through it all again!

[deano]

hi out there. i'm a newbie so i would just like 2 say that i know how ur all feeling 2 a degree. i just h8 being scared all the time, & usually over the silliest little things. its not a good place 2 b in. i normally just want 2 either curl up in2 a ball & hide, or run like the wind. the good thing 4 me is that i've got a loving family, my mum, sister & most of all my wife & gorgous 3yr old son r all here 4 me.

[Anabell]

Wow - I always find the posts here so comforting but I clicked on yours just now Willow because I've been through the same thing again this morning - terrible panic attack and convinced that I'll die and no one will be around to pick the kids up from school and they'll be alone. This thread has really helped though - it's always good to know I'm not alone and as the guilt is a huge thing for me I really appreciate your posts Carol - to know that if I never get these attacks to stop then there are positives to them and my kids won't be damaged by having an anxious mum really helps.

I sometimes get stuck between worrying I'll die and leave them without a mum at all and worrying that having a mum with panic attacks will do more harm. Trying to put on a positive hat now :)

[lajjj]

does any one feel as if they are stuck in a constant state of anxiety and tension am getting a little scared because i dont seem to be getting a break from it at all, its like i am stuck in limbo of trying to fight but then i get scared and want to run again! :s the phsyical side of it is really getting to me because of the tension in my back , neck and head. i am just interested to see if every1 is feeling the same? x

[tambo12]

there are many ways to beat this condision .
I have had panic attacks for 12 years .
I tried everything but it came down to me standing up to myself in the end .
You have to belive that you are stronger than the attacks .
I know they are scary and I know that you fell like your dying , but your not and they do pass.
Try to let it pass over you like a wave , the attack will happen but the more you fight it the worse it my feel .breath deep and try to let it pass .
this may help you as well http//tinyurl.com/2w5ngap

[Scarycat]

I don't know how you do it Carol. I am sick all the time, and with this anxiety, feels like my life is falling apart.

[EmmaJ]

Hi ,

Im new to this kind of thing Im 28 and have been suffering from panic attacks for years , they went away for a while but have come back since I had a sinus infection which is reacurring, it makes me feel light headed , and dizzy, and was convinced I had something seriously wrong with me , I still am convinced !

Im not sure if my "other symptoms" are a result of anxiety.Ive had restless legs for years , but now Im convinced its something more , last month I convinced myself I had bowel cancer , I cant keep living like this , Im constantly worrying that I have something wrong and panic about it.

This forum is great I dont feel alone now ! xx

[mydogandme]

hello Scarycat, are you still active in this forum?:shrug:

[honeyp1e]

i have four fab children and i hat ethe fact that my life is on hold to anxiety i dont go out with out my mum or dad and even then i have days where i dont wanna go out at all i have just given up to this anxiety and wish my life was different
i just dont no where to start on getting out on my own :weep: