Why can't I just be me again!?! - Worried about something I should be excited about!

[87sal87]

Hi guys, [Warning: This is kind of just a rant post]

I haven't posted for awhile now but my anxiety is still here as always, just been trying to cope best I can.
I've always suffered from it, thinking back now I know all the problems I had when I was a kid was due to anxiety & I didn't have a clue!
It's always been there...on & off.
But since Christmas 09' when I ended up in A&E with an ungodly fast heart rate, things have been worse than ever!!!

I am basically a wreck now & am plagued with worries constantly, over everything little thing & the whole 'front' I have to put on with my family so they don't know how bad things are is getting exhausting.

I suffer from social & health anxiety worst...but everything worries me really. At the minute I'm worrying about having Ovarian Cancer & the thought of going out & having a good time makes my stomach churn...which is the saddest thing of all. :(

Back before the anxiety completely took over, I was a happy, bright, loud, pleasant person who reveled in going out & having fun & always tried to stay positive. Now that person has completely dissapeared & I hate the person I've become :(
Bits of the old me are still in here somewhere but they rarely come out...

I feel so low all of the time & trapped in my own mind. There's so much I want to do in life & I feel like I've been tied up like a dog in a backyard with 6ft fences around me. With anxiety as the rope around my neck :(& the world beyond that I'll never see....as anxiety will never let me get over those 'fences'.

I'm only 23 & I feel like 63...I'm even started to look it with all the stress. I'm fretting in front of the mirror because of my dull, pale, ravaged skin, dark circles & bags under my eyes...all because of constant stress & worry...
I look at photos of myself from only a few years ago & cry because I looked so much healthier, brighter...happier...

I feel like I've wasted the best years of my life & am continuing to do so & I'll wake up one day & realise that I've wasted my life, wasted my talents, wasted my personality, wasted my self :weep: All because of being 'too scared'

& Now, in a week's time I'm going to a show [Armstrong & Miller Live] in Manchester & instead of being really excited & happy about it, I'm dreading it & worrying myself sick.
I love comedy & music & going to live shows & gigs at one time was my passion, I couldn't go a few months without seeing someone/or a live band.
& If someone would have told me a few years ago that one day soon I'd be DREADING going to a show...I would have never have believed it.
But I am...& it's horrible...

I don't know what to do anymore...thanks to everyone who has read this, just needed to get it off my chest :(

[munkeyinblack]

Hi Sal,

i know exactly how your feeling. im the same age as u and feel like i should be in my fifties!! life is so difficult fr everyone but anx and depression makes it all so much worse and it becomes a neverending cycle of worry and nerves and panic and feeling generally rubbish ( not to mention the side effects of the illness)

im sorry i dont really have any advice for you as i havent quite worked out how to help myslf yet but i wanted to let u no that ur not alone .
hope u feel better soon

munkey
x

[87sal87]

Thanks munkeyinblack, it's appreciated *hug* x

[munkeyinblack]

ps - nice tag line lol x

[87sal87]

lol Thank you. I try my best to live by it...it is, incidently from the said show that I'm going to see next week lol :)
x

[supersezza]

hi hun...read your post and it really spoke to me so thought i'd reply...

i am in a similar situation to you where you've gone so far down a path that u can't see the way out or imagine how u ever relaxed and had fun in the first place!

if it's any help at all i had another episode when i was 19 and when i was 23 i was totally recovered and enjoyed 3 excellent years...so it really can be done! what helped me achieve this was believing in myself again and well forcing myself to re-socailise and get out there again really..but it did take time.

but i think this is like any illness really...when u feel better you can't imagine feeling ill...so just try and ride it out really. :bighug1:

[87sal87]

Thanks so much supersezza!
All I ever think about is 'forcing' myself to get out there but it's the thinking about it beforehand that scares me & puts me off & then I cancel/bottle it :(

I just wish I could not think about an event/social event beforehand & then nothing would put me off. But it's not like you can switch off your brain is it? :( Unfortunately.

How did you manage to actually 'force' yourself out? x

[supersezza]

hmmm i think i had a good therapist who basically made me believe that i could do it...but i can remember kinda relating it to my driving lessons!! i used to stand by my parents window waiting for the instructor to turn up and just think i dont want to do this! but i knew i had to to achieve what i wanted too...i.e. my driving license! so i guess i was in the same situation...looking at the window thinking oooh i dont want to go but waiting for my friends to pick me up so i just tried to think well this is also a challenge but i want to do it to achieve keeping my friendships etc...and actually i made a new friend after my first bout of anxiety through that who is now my best friend and who i've been on 3 holidays with all round the world!! so it can be done! but yeah be gentle on yourself when i went i was anxious and i couldn't sleep when i got back etc etc but it did get better bit by bit really. but i know like the situation that i'm in now like at the bottom of the bucket it is sooooo hard to reach those rational thoughts and it seems easier and safer to stay away...i think just time changed it for me really and new circumstances i guess that i was away from the situation which caused me such stress so it was a fresh start in a way...oops sorry ramble!! x