Help! I'm getting worse

[leftfield]

I've been depressed for several months since the breakdown of my relationship and some major financial problems that put me under a lot of stress.

Although I'm starting to get the money issues a bit more under control (for the time being) I'm still struggling with massively low self esteem and feel isolated and lonely.

I'm taking citalopram, which I've been on for about 3 weeks, but in the last few days I've felt awful. I even had thoughts of suicide last night with the sleeping pills next to my bed. I don't want to tell my family because I hate feeling like I'm burdening them, I don't want to freak out my parents. They know about the depression but I don't think they really understand, and I think they assume things are getting better. They're not! I feel like they're getting worse.

I live on my own so weekends have been tough after she left me. I feel so anxious and keep having thoughts that she's with someone else and that she feels contempt toward me for being this emotional f*cked up mess. I'm sure news will filter through the grapevine in my small town that I haven't exactly been the life and soul recently. That just makes me feel even more pathetic.

I read that citalopram can cause suicidal thoughts, which could be the case, but it freaked me out when I 'caught myself' thinking things like this. I'm scared. Should I change the drugs I'm taking? Do they all cause these anxious feelings and horrible thoughts? I don't even know that it's not just me and nothing to do with these pills.

[Jaco45er]

Hi mate

Sorry you are having such a terrible time. There has been press about some SSRI's causing suicidal thoughts in some cases, but it's pretty rare.

I would urge you fella to pop back to your GP and be open with him/her. It maybe you just need a little more support than just meds.

You have had a stress lately, but please don't try to deal with it on your own.

TC

Jaco

[ElizabethJane]

I've never taken citolapram although I have been treated for severe depression and am currently stable. If you are experiencing suicidal thoughts then you need to talk to your GP or the Samaritans. I would also see if you can stay with someone for a few nights if that is when you feel at your most vulnerable. I have heard that citalopram can cause suicidal thoughts but so can major depression. It can seem that you are very much alone but there is help out there. I'm not sure sure whether I can advise you on your relationship as I have been married a long time. I would try to put the relationship to one side until you are feeling a little stronger. Please try not to obess too much about your girlfriend. Your parents do not need to know about your suicidal feelings unless it would help you to tell them. I really do think that you need to make an emergency appointment with your GP tomorrow. EJ.

[leftfield]

Thanks for your replies. I've spoken to the Samaritans, and I have made an appointment with my GP. I couldn't get in today, but I do feel a little bit calmer so I think I can wait until tomorrow.

I think that the very worst thoughts I've been experiencing are probably driven by severe anxiety attacks, which seem to occur later in the day. Although I recognise that this happens, I can't seem to do anything to control it at the time, and it really freaks me out and makes very emotional, which leads some despairing feelings.

At the moment I feel numb more than anything, but I'll accept that gladly.

Thanks again.