Feel like such a failure

[Scarycat]

Hi all

I am a 30 year old mom of one, have always had an anxious disposition but what once was a "simple stress or worry" has now presented as anxiety disorder and regular panic attacks, I don't know why or how but it's taken over my life and now I feel as if I am losing my mind. Sometimes the panic attack is physical where I feel wave of anxiety, heart palps etc, other times it is all in my head and I start freaking out because my mind is trying to convince me that I am losing the plot! I have had all the regular blood tests and everything seems ok, so both my GP and psychologist are sure its anxiety and panic disorder along with a little depression. Today I start with adco-talomil 20mg (citalopram) and I am seriously scared as I had a bad reaction to Serlife 50mg (Setraline).. so yeah... this is my sad story and I dunno where to from here. I want to be happy and healthy but it is so hard to be happy when I constantly have this "issue" hanging over me and in my head. Hopefully the CBT which I start on Friday will be effective. I am so blessed with a supportive husband but I worry this is going to give him a heart attack, not to mention the psychological effects this has on my three year old!

I honestly feel like such a failure right now... and want to believe that i will be ok and get through this, but another part of me just doesn't see how....

[Kell]

Hi Scarycat,

I sympathise with you & am sorry that you're feeling so bad.

You're not a failure and you're not losing your mind. I'd like to believe that us anxiety sufferers should be proud of the daily battles that we face. It's hard work being like this!

It's good that you have a supportive husband. It's only natural that you'll worry about the affect on him. I worry that my boyfriend will be disappointed in me or that he'll start getting fed up with me.

Good luck with your medication & CBT

Take care

Kel
x

[alihud]

Try and look at it this way,would you call the rest of us failures with this disorder?I'm sure you wouldnt,so don't call yourself it either.
Good luck with your CBT,i'm sure it will help you loads.
Ali xx

[sammi]

Your not a failure hunny you are going through a hard time its hard coping with an anxiety disorder and depression. Hopefully we all will overcome this one day. X

[Scarycat]

Thanks for all your replies. Of course I wouldn't call anyone here a failure, but i do feel that I failed my family as a mom and wife and myself as someone that is usually very in control..

I need to figure out how to get through this on a daily basis. It feels as if it is getting worse, I am always tense and anxious and then the mind takes advantage and goes off on a tangent and then panic strikes. I try to preoccupy my mind by doing things but I stay exhausted.

Anyone else been advised to take their meds at night?

[sammi]

Me I was on citalopram and was told to take it half an hour before bed. I understand about feeling like you have failed as a mum and wife. I feel exactly the same but we don't choose to be like this. You will be fine x

[Scarycat]

Now that I have got this disorder, my question is this... is it possible to live a NORMAL life. I am so scared to plan for the future because I have no idea what tomorrow is going to be like and if I am able to handle it. Also, are there any success stories that I can read? I need to know that there is hope for me yet and that I am not going to have to wait years.. I still want to have another baby... I worry that this will never be possible now.

I thought it was the going cold turkey on the serlife that brought this on, but its been almost two months and the panic attacks are getting worse, in fact they are happening daily... and I have finally accepted that fact that I have an anxiety/panic disorder.

[Nigel]

Hi Scarycat,
:welcome: to NMP!
I’m sorry that you’re struggling with panic and anxiety at the moment, but I don’t want to hear any more talk of failure, OK? Failure is what happens when a person gives up trying, and I see no signs of that :winks:

Sometimes I wonder if it really helps to give these things labels like ‘anxiety disorder’. It suits the professionals if they can neatly label people up like that, but I always think it implies that there’s something wrong with a person when there isn’t as such.

Anxiety is perfectly normal and is what we experience when faced with a new and unfamiliar situation. It keeps us alert and on our toes. And panic is the normal response when faced with real or potential danger. To be effective it needs to be a fast response, but that means the mind can sometimes get it wrong. A false alarm.

The trouble starts when a person begins to fear that anxiety or panic happening again, because one tends to fuel the other. A fear of fear.

“I thought it was the going cold turkey on the serlife that brought this on, but its been almost two months and the panic attacks are getting worse.”

Was that a gradual withdrawal or completely stopping? I don’t know much about medication but I do know that with a lot of ADs, suddenly stopping them can lead to a return of prior symptoms, and sometimes more intense than before. It’s because they tend to ‘numb’ a lot of the emotional responses, but over time the brain starts to compensate – hence why the initial dose often needs to be increased until a balance is found. So when suddenly stopping, the brain is still compensating for a drug that is no longer there, hence emotions seem far more intense.

Perhaps that might’ve been a trigger for the panic attacks getting worse, and now a fear of them continuing – a fear of fear – is keeping them going.

Take care,
Nigel

[Scarycat]

I initially went to the GP because my body was sore, I had aches and pains all over and I felt awful and very down. She said I was depressed and prescribed Serlife 50mg. After two weeks on the meds, I got my first ever panic attack (among other awful symptoms including feeling out of it, separate from reality etc.), I stayed on the meds for 5 and a half weeks, started feeling better and decided "hey man, I don't need the drugs", so I stopped taking them.... OMG!! Worst decision EVER. My anxiety increased, the panic attacks got more frequent and I the above symptoms including headache, nausea and neck pain just would not go away. I started freaking out and developed some sort of health anxiety, thinking it was a brain tumour or cancer etc and well its been downhill since. A part of me wants to believe I don't need the meds as my body is still adjusting but after the last week which has been the worst week ever, I don't know so much. So tonight I will take my first citalopram. :weep: Feels like I am going around in circles. All I know is that it is the fear of the panic attacks that has contributed to them occurring more often, I just wish I had the strength to not take the serlife in the first place.

[alicegreen]

Sweetheart, I have finally come to realise myself and accept that taking or not taking medication is nothing to do with strength or weakness, its simply an illness like any other. There is no shame in anxiety or depression other than that in our own heads.

Medication has changed my life so dramatically, and I definitely, 100% would not be here tonight without it.

Be gentle with yourself and just accept that for now, you need a little help.

You will come through this, and when you do you will be stronger, wiser and happier.

[duggyfresh]

You're not a failure in any way. Anyone who has to deal with anxiety / panic attacks and keep going are very strong and brave.

[tambo12]

your not a failure trust me .
there are many ways to beat this condision .
I have had panic attacks for 12 years .
I tried everything but it came down to me standing up to myself in the end .
You have to belive that you are stronger than the attacks .
I know they are scary and I know that you fell like your dying , but your not and they do pass.
Try to let it pass over you like a wave , the attack will happen but the more you fight it the worse it my feel .breath deep and try to let it pass .
this may help you as well http//tinyurl.com/2w5ngap