Worried recent anxiety has changed me

[phil06]

Since my latest wave of anxiety this year I've had lots of strange thoughts and feelings like anxiety has changed me. When I first got a bad anxiety attack and went to the doctors for weeks after it I worried I'd died and I was living a dream. Sometimes when I'm out I just feel I'm going mad and it feels real. I've had awful dreams which seem so real too. I have become desperate for reassurance at times too. There's been moments Ive been that angry and ranted so much I worry it's some how out of character. A bit of fear of going mad/personality change worry all in one.

I don't feel the same person too. I feel I've died, gone mad 20 times, had every illness all in a few months..it's hard to explain. The anxiety spells and thoughts seem different and more fearful than previous experiences as I've had all different symptoms this time compared to the last ones I had.

But my worry is all this anxiety has made me a bit loopy in the head or something? Plus at times I get waves of depersonalization and nothing feels real. Sometimes it feels better other times it feels worse..today I worried I'd nope cope if it was not anxiety and if it was health and it worries me a bit. I have quite a big fear of losing control lots of adrenaline there's moments over the last few months I've worked myself into a point where I felt I've gone mad..and it's not until after it some normality comes back. At times I feel I'm away with the fairies or my mind is distant too?

I can't get the cause out my head though my second driving test failure even though I've had more since. Could be stopping me fully recovering..I don't 100% believe it's all anxiety either I'm suffering..I know i suffer it though.. but this anxiety has been like a chapter for me..but this sensation of feeling everything intense is almost like an over stimulated set of emotions as the other day I thought I've felt this feeling more mild before..like some days you can feel weird or deja vu but not worry...but anxiety over stimulates the feeling could that be the case? I'd like to think I am normal as I work and so on...but I worry I am mad, or going mad.. :ohmy: anybody had this worry and feeling before?

[debs71]

Hello Phil,

I know exactly how you feel hun.

I think that it is totally natural and completely rational to feel changed by anxiety in someway. Anxiety at the levels most people feel it is normal, but the abnormal levels that we as anxious folk feel it is bound to make us feel alien, mad at times, or fearful that we are going mad. I have felt all the things that you are feeling and have done recently. My latest bout of anxiety has been ten times worse than the first time I had it as it has caused me to be on the verge of agorophobia as I have been having bad panic symptoms when out in public. I find this terrifying as it is a new thing for me as before I was always able to get on with normal things like shopping even if i was feeling anxious. I'm just trying to kind of illustrate that I think our anxiety doesn't necessarily follow any pattern, so if we felt certain feelings (or levels of feelings) before, it doesn't necessarily follow that pattern the next time, if we are unfortunate enough to have a second wave of it.

I've had depersonalization too lately and that for me is the worst. That REALLY makes you feel like you've lost it because everything feels alien, so again, it is totally rational that you should feel that way. You are not going mad Phil as mad people really don't know they are going mad, or verbalise that, it is just that the anxiety is so strong it feels that way and tricks us into thinking that.

I doubt myself too, all the time about this, but I've done so much reading up on anxiety since I was diagnosed 6 years ago, and I am reassured by seeing so much literature about 'feeling mad' or 'having a fear of going mad' as being a big anxiety symptom.

You are absolutely bang on about overstimulated emotions, and that is exactly what we experience with the spaced out feelings you describe as it apparently is the minds way of protecting us from the overwhelming anxiety we are feeling, so please try to tell yourself this when you are feeling spaced out, that it is just that you are super anxious and your mind is kicking in to protect you. It sounds silly but it really helps I think.

Take care and please be reassured you are not alone.x:winks:

[blueangel]

One of the most important things to remember is that if you think you're going mad, you're not. True insanity causes loss of insight, so you truly don't realise that you have a problem, which is why people who get odd ideations like there are aliens living in the telly are convinced it's completely normal.

You're describing what so many of us on here have felt - and you're right, you have in effect become hypersensitive to yourself. When we turn inwards on to ourselves like this, we cease to be properly aware of the outside world, so we feel disconnected from it, which is very frightening sensation. I've always found that the key is to try and involve yourself with the outside world, even if it's only in a tiny way initially, as that takes us out of ourselves and back to something that is more normal.