Marriage Breakup - My wife had a lesbian affair

[cgp161174]

Hi,

I'm a bit down at the moment and wanted to post this to see if anyone had any advice for me.

My wife and I married in July 2004. In June 2005 I found out that she had been having an affair for about a month with one of my closest female friends. I was absolutely shocked and didn't know what to do. Eventually, after my wife made it clear to me that it was a silly fling and it didn't mean anything, we decided to put it behind us and try and move on.

Since then I had been working so hard to make things right as I felt guilty that I was not what she wanted anymore. We seemed to be moving on. We were looking to sell our flat and buy somewhere bigger, with the plan to start a family. We celebrated our anniversary, my birthday, christmas. Then through a slight suspicion I had, I found out that she had been seeing this woman again for at least the last 5 or 6 months on and off and it had got quite serious more recently. Having shared a hotel together just before christmas when I assumed she was at her work xmas party. All of this had been happening whilst I had put my complete trust in my wife that she wasn't seeing this woman anymore and we were working to build a lasting relationship.

I found this out and confronted her, at which point she caved in and told me the truth that she was still seeing this woman. We have now separated, and things get more and more awkward and depressing every day for me. We are trying to sort out our financial ties and avoid too much use of solicitors which are so expensive. But every day that goes by I feel more and more bitter towards what has happened. I know I need to hold it all together until with reach a settlement but I'm not sure how long I can keep it up. Divorce papers won't go out to her for at least a couple of weeks and then all the finance needs to be finalised which I am praying she will agree with and we don't have to drag this out any further.

To top things off, my EX-friend who she was seeing meant a great deal to me and we shared a very strong commitment to a band we both wrote and performed in. That all went out the window when I found out first time round. I can't do anything but hate her for what has happened, well, what she obviously helped to and wanted to happen. She apologised when i first found out and told me how deeply sorry she was, but that was obviously all a pack of lies considering they were seeing each other again a few months later.

I'll stop rambling now. Was just hoping someone... anyone... out there can offer me any advice how to get through this.

Thanks.

Chris

[Paddington]

hi Chris,i am sorry you are going thru such awful upheaval.You know people cant help their feelings,tho' it pains us to the point of despair!I am not making excuses for your 'friend' or your wife.It seems that the problem lies with their honesty!I am CERTAIN they did not plan this or intend to hurt you[who in their right mind would choose to hurt people?]This is now your time,Chris,to move on and have a life that makes u happy!!!!!!!!!!It is allowed u know! My sister married my best friend and i didn't think i would ever get over the sense of betryal,but i did mate,and you will too.thinkin'of you.Love ,Mary-Rose.xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Ma Larkin]

Hi Chris, so sorry to hear about the split. If there's one thing I can't stand its infidelity coupled with lies. I've been married twice & both my husbands had affairs with my best mate (not the same one lol!) so I know what you're going through. I thought it was something I'd done wrong, but the only thing I did wrong was to sit at home & bring my babies up, why was I punished for that?? I wish I could say you'll feel better soon, but it takes time for the healing process, all the different emotions you'll go through; heartbroken at first, then hurt, bitterness, etc., you'll get them all, especially if she won't agree to what you want in the divorce. Just hang in there mate, it does get better & the bitterness & hate does go away eventually. You'll find other friends Chris, friends you can trust 100%, well maybe 99%, don't think you ever learn to trust that 100% after you have been betrayed, but you nearly get it. I've been on my own for a while now & i'm just getting my life back (apart from suffering from anxiety & panic attacks which is not surprising with what I've had to cope with) but I will get there & you will too. Just give it time mate.

Les

[alexis]

Hi Chris, dont know if youve read my post but i know exactly how you feel, my husband of 25 years has just gone off and had an affair, we are getting divorced and trying to sort finances out etc, to say Im broken hearted about it is an understatement and the not knowing what is going to happen is a nightmare, anyway I wont rabbit on, just read my post, take care.xxxxxxxxxxx

Most of lifes battles are won, by looking beyond the clouds to the sun:
and having the patience to wait for the day,when the sun comes out and the clouds go away.


love from Alexisxx

[trac67]

Hi Chris,

Try to stay positive and look towards the future, I have been through two marriage break-ups myself, and at the time it seems like it is something that you wont ever get over.

It is hard and at first you seem to live day to day, but you will come out the other side and you will find it will make you a much stronger person, it did with me.

Take care

Trac xx

'Live your life with arms wide open, today is where your book begins, the rest is still unwritten'

[cgp161174]

Hi everyone. thanks for the replies. Really appreciate it. Will let you know how things progress.
Chris xx

[cheeky monkey]

Hi Chris
sorry for what you are going through, people cant help who they fall in love with, though it is hard you can now get on with your life and be happy. i am in love with someone else my hubby knows but wont except it and is making it hard for me to leave him, so life for me is depressing cos i cant get out of this marriage without a huge fight .
i wish you well and sending you a huge hug
take care
susie

[bluebottle]

The same thing happened to me Chris. Well almost, my wife told me she was a lesbian. There wasn't an affair involved. I was married 25 years like Alexis.

--
Blue -
"Your truth is better for you than someone else's. Just get to know what it is, so you can finally own it, and speak it."

[bobotheclown]

Hi,
Similar story for me.
Only 3 weeks ago my wife of 19 years and mother of my 2 young children left me to live with a female friend that she has known for only 7 months.
She said they had been having an affair for 3 months and were deeply in love.
My wife had never shown any tendencies to other women in her life and we enjoyed what i considered a good sex life and a good strong relationship.
The other woman is the same age as my wife but has been in a gay relationship for 16 years to an older woman.
My wife said to me that she isnt gay and isnt attracted to other women, but she says when she is in her company she feels whole.
My wife has just turned 40 and only 3 weeks before the relationship started we were having the happiest time of our lives and making plans for the future.
Also since the start of the relationship my wife has changed dramatically in all of her usual ways that everyone that knows her thinks she is going through a breakdown or midlife crisis.
My world is torn apart and I don't know where to turn.
I deeply love my wife and always have but this is devastating the whole family including our children.

Im sorry for ranting but I don't know what to do next...

[R4963]

Hi Chris, I;m so sorry to hear you're going through such heartache and you have my sincere sympathy. Once you've sorted out your finances I'd suggest you have a complete break from speaking to your wife and friend. You need space and time to heal from this. This is the worst time- things will get better in a few months. My thoughts are with you, Rebecca xxx

---------- Post added at 19:33 ---------- Previous post was at 19:29 ----------

Bobotheclown, I've just seen your post too. How awful for you and please rant away x

[venusbluejeans]

The original poster on this thread did so in 2006 and has not logged into the forum since 2006 either.....not sure he will get your good wishes but heres hoping it sorted out for him