This.too.shall.pass
09-10-10, 15:14
I have always suffered from depression and when I was younger I did worry about being gay and having feelings of guilt or shame associated with different things. But it went away and then I suffered, back in 2007, from severe obsessions and intrusive thoughts. They all started when my boyfriend at the time, told me he had sexual dreams about his mum, this disturbed me but I thought no more about it.
Then we broke up and I was looking at poems I had written which I had forgotten about, I found these poems to be extremely distressing and shameful and was suddenly overcome by feelings of shame and guilt which havent subsided since.
I went through so many obsessions including:
Thinking that I was crazy and wierd for writing those poems.
Thinking that I was crazy and wierd or going skitzo for having
imaginary conversations with myself as if someone is there like I
always have.
Then I had a dream in which I kissed someone who looked remotely like my dad and remembered this dream whilst sitting with him and the rest of my family and this is when it all really went crazy.
I started seeing sexual things in my head concerning my dad and worrying that I fancied him and asking what if Im capable of incest? and if I did act on these thoughts would I like it?
I then started feeling uncomfortable around my sisters new baby, saying bad things in my head about her and having bad images.
But the thing that stayed with me was the questions about my dad, it overtook my life but in time I overcame them and they went away but theyve always been in the back of my mind.
I started travelling and started on anti depressants, citalopram (became suicidal), then sertraline, then mirtazapine (put on weight) then I came off them and decided to go back on them recently and am now on paxil, 20mg and I have started having these urges or wierd feeling and questions again about my dad and generally feel wierd like I have urges or feeling the need to prove that I wouldnt like incest!
I have been on paxil for 4 days and am wondering if thats whats bringing these things up or if its cuz Im back living at home now and have been for months and have just come out of another relationship when I moved back home. But I keep asking myself why this one question about my dad has stuck with me and does it mean that Im capable of it? what worries me even more is that my dads quite good looking so I cant say that hes repulsing as a person and I keep thinking if theres some part of me that is capable of that, it feels like a general wierd feeling, uhm....down there its wierd, like anxiety and a slight urge to something immoral that i dont want to do? I need help as I dont want to get back to how I was before and I know I have control but this uncertainty and 'wierd feeling' wont go away.
Then we broke up and I was looking at poems I had written which I had forgotten about, I found these poems to be extremely distressing and shameful and was suddenly overcome by feelings of shame and guilt which havent subsided since.
I went through so many obsessions including:
Thinking that I was crazy and wierd for writing those poems.
Thinking that I was crazy and wierd or going skitzo for having
imaginary conversations with myself as if someone is there like I
always have.
Then I had a dream in which I kissed someone who looked remotely like my dad and remembered this dream whilst sitting with him and the rest of my family and this is when it all really went crazy.
I started seeing sexual things in my head concerning my dad and worrying that I fancied him and asking what if Im capable of incest? and if I did act on these thoughts would I like it?
I then started feeling uncomfortable around my sisters new baby, saying bad things in my head about her and having bad images.
But the thing that stayed with me was the questions about my dad, it overtook my life but in time I overcame them and they went away but theyve always been in the back of my mind.
I started travelling and started on anti depressants, citalopram (became suicidal), then sertraline, then mirtazapine (put on weight) then I came off them and decided to go back on them recently and am now on paxil, 20mg and I have started having these urges or wierd feeling and questions again about my dad and generally feel wierd like I have urges or feeling the need to prove that I wouldnt like incest!
I have been on paxil for 4 days and am wondering if thats whats bringing these things up or if its cuz Im back living at home now and have been for months and have just come out of another relationship when I moved back home. But I keep asking myself why this one question about my dad has stuck with me and does it mean that Im capable of it? what worries me even more is that my dads quite good looking so I cant say that hes repulsing as a person and I keep thinking if theres some part of me that is capable of that, it feels like a general wierd feeling, uhm....down there its wierd, like anxiety and a slight urge to something immoral that i dont want to do? I need help as I dont want to get back to how I was before and I know I have control but this uncertainty and 'wierd feeling' wont go away.