Feeling bad - looking for some support :-(

[Kell]

Hi everyone,
Am just looking for some support. I took a real turn for the worse last night. I don't think that it helped that my boyfriend was away with work for the night. I had managed to have something to eat & tried to keep occupied but around 8ish I was overwhelmed with anxiety & was really sick. I did manage to get some sleep but was overwhelmed with anxiety again when I woke early this morning.
I happened to have a doctors appt this morning (although this meant a busy drive which I didn't exactly relish). My doctor has upped my meds (now up to 150mg of Venlafaxine) and has referred me for counselling (which could take months).
I'm just feeling so upset & low about it. I just can't handle it anymore. I just want to be ok. I'm not asking to feel on top of the world. I just don't want to feel so anxious. This has been a part of my life on & off for about 10 years now. I've just had enough.
I'm at work now - I have been trying hard to come to work as I think that the routine helps. My work colleagues are sympathetic & understanding.
I'm supposed to be going out for a friends birthday on Saturday night but I'm not sure that I can face it. I'll feel so bad if I don't go as I've not been out with my friends for so long but I just don't know if i can face a boozy late night followed by dossing down.
It just feels as if my life is rubbish :-(
Sorry for the self indulgent ramble but I just needed someone to talk to
Kel
x

[skin]

Hey Kell!
I am also having a rough morning (It's 1 in the afternoon here, but with my sleep/wake pattern, this is morning for me :D). I also experience anticipation anxiety. I work myself up the week/days before an event. Thinking about your friends birthday can make your anxiety worse... You should try to go anyway, imo.
I had a baby shower to go to this weekend and had to force myself out of the house on saturday. Had some rough moments, but fought through them and making it through that day "alive" made me feel much better about myself.

Just be strong! (nothing can get worse) Good times will come for all of us. Remember you're not alone!
Lots o'hugs from Romania!

[sammi]

Sorry your feeling so bad hunni your not alone I've been struggling for weeks since my anxiety returned. I dragged myself off to the gp today and I've been put bk on 10mg of citalopram after I came off 40mg by myself in feb. Gp was not impressed.lol. Anyway always here if you want a chat pm me anytime. And I really hope you feel better soon. You have just had your meds upped so give them chance to settle into your system and hopefully you will feel a little better soon. Xx

[Jenny85]

Hi Kell,

Just wanted to say, apart from anything else, don't worry about this night out at the weekend...speaking from experience, one of the absolute worst things I can do when I'm anxious is have a boozy late night, with hangover to boot the next day. If you do really want to go, it's OK to go for a wee bit, but then make your excuses and leave early...folk will appreciate you making even a small effort. That said, if you really don't feel up to it, I'm sure your friends will understand. Mine always do. And then plan a nice, cosy night in instead, run a hot bath, watch a good film. That might not sound too helpful, but just show yourself a bit of kindness. Nothing to feel guilty about whatsoever. Nobody would expect you to come out for a night on the tiles if you had the flu, and this shouldn't be any different.

And though this may sound perverse, I sometimes take a wee bit of comfort in the fact that I can get a little ANGRY about being anxious. (A wee bit angry, mind, not full-on rage!) It shows at least that you've got that wee bit of strength to say "hang on a minute, this isn't the way it has to be." It's better to be aware that you've done nothing to deserve it rather than blame yourself for it. Take care. xx

[Kell]

Thanks for the replies. I really appreciate your support. This site is such a comfort to me. I think that's how I make it through the day. Am lucky that we have internet access at work otherwise I think that I'd find it alot tougher.
You'd think that after all these years that I'd have some sort of handle on how to deal with it but it's as if its the first time every time it hits me. I wish that there was a magic cure

Kel
x

[jeanne48]

hi kell its horrid isnt it im the same esp at night when no one to talk to i listen to cd to try calm me down works most of the time hope u feel better soon xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[Kell]

Thanks Jeanne.

I've e-mailed my friend to say that I don't think that I will be able to make it on Saturday & he's been really understanding.

I think that what bothers me the most is that I get so sick when my anxiety is at it's worst. I was sick last night & this morning. I haven't been able to eat anything yet today.

Kel
x

[debs71]

Hi Kell,

Please keep your chin up hun. My God, as far as I am concerned you are doing BRILLIANTLY! Just the fact you are managing to work despite how you are feeling is such an accomplishment, and something I am still not able to do.

It's awful when you have a particularly bad day/night before and you wake up the next morning still having those highly anxious feelings. It does knock you down I know, but please bear in mind that you have been battling and essentially winning this for 10 years, and it hasn't broken you. Remind yourself of that big positive.

Take care and lots of love,

Debs xxxxx:hugs:

[Kell]

Thanks Debs. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I've just been out during my lunch break to collect my new prescription. I've still not been able to eat anything but have had a few cups of tea & some water.

This is one of the worst 24hrs that I've had in ages. It's hard to be positive when I feel so bad.

I hope that you don't mind me asking but are you signed off work? I'm always interested to know other people's situations as everyone seems to have such different experiences. I have been signed off in the past but over the year my anxiety has changed. At the moment I find it better to come to work as it gives me a routine. I still have the anxiety though.

Kel
x

[debs71]

Hi Kell.....sorry for the late answer...well my story is I was working up to last October in A&E until I passed out one morning while on shift. I had very low blood pressure, but I now also recognise that it was anxiety induced on the whole as I had been feeling very pressured there for ages. I took it as a wake up call and resigned to take a break from nursing, and have been looking for alternative work ever since, which is hard as my CV is so nursey. I've applied for many jobs to tide me over while I decide what I want to do without success. Anxiety wise I have been ok up until August when it came back with a vengeance after some relationship problems which I think triggered it. So whilst I was job seeking I am now in the situation where just the thought of work terrifies me due to my panic attacks. It is hard as I'm not drawing benefits and living off my bank account and some help from family, which I hate myself for. I am getting there slowly and still job searching and trying to give my life a direction but it's a battle.

I agree with you about the therapy work offers. I always feel better when I am busy as I don't think of anxiety feelings I am having. My problem is finding a totally new line of work but also keeping a lid on the anxiety. Makes me feel like a bit of a failure really.

I take my hat off to you Kell.xxx:)

[ridiculouschatname1]

Hi kell, I suffer from pretty bad anxiety too, so much so that i havent been able to work for the past 3 years. I really admire that you are out there working, at least you can do that. Theres always positives in this, as little as they may seem sometimes. Dont worry about not going out either, you're friends will totally understand. But if you can go, do. It might cheer you up, you never know. I wouldnt drink too much though, i used to drink alot when i was feeling down, did NOT help, lol. Just have a laugh with your friends. Hope you're on the up.
Paul.

[Kell]

Thanks Debs & Paul.

I guess it depends what type of job you have really. I sit behind a desk & can pretty much just plod on with what I need to & I deal with engineers over the phone. I guess any moment of relief that I may get from being distracted is better than none. I think that the interaction with people can't do me any harm either. I can imagine that it's a hell of alot tougher in an environment like A&E though. I struggled to go to Boots at lunch to get my prescription.
It must be daunting getting back out there. I've experienced that myself after I was signed off for 3 months years ago. Debs - surely you should be able to claim benefits? It can't be helping your situation if you're worrying about money.
Today has been tough and I know that I need to not let myself spiral. I need to try to take the positives and tell myself that things will get better. I guess I'm wallowing today in self pity

Kel
x

[debs71]

Debs - surely you should be able to claim benefits? It can't be helping your situation if you're worrying about money.

Yes, I can claim JSA Kel, but I am resisting at the moment much to the annoyance and frustration of my family who think I should do as I have paid in plenty enough over the years. My reason is firstly I have twice had to claim JSA, once when I was made redundant many years ago before nursing, and again when my nursing bank work dried up and I hated every minute of it.I found it demoralising and depressing and didn't like the whole signing on process one bit. I also don't want to take up the JSA route as I fear it will not encourage me to improve my situation in terms of work and my anxiety as I don't want to get stuck on the comfort of some money coming in and seeing no urgency to get myself sorted. Like you say Kell, it would be a BIG help but I just can't face the whole form filling, interview thing involved in it all over again.x

[ridiculouschatname1]

Debs, can i just say i know where you are coming from. Im on incapacity benefits at the mo, its demoralising as hell, and the beurocracy involved with all the forms and interviews is mind blowing. I didnt receive any money for a year cos i couldnt bear to deal with it. But you gotta take care of yourself in the end. I had to fill out a huge form last night, but i didnt let it get me down ( too much ) and i felt fine afterwards. Now i just have to hope they dont make me go to Glasgow for a medical exam...lol. Anyway if you feel you are entitled to it go for it, dont let the forms get you down.
Paul.

[Kell]

It's a shame that the process is so complicated.

Debs - That's very admirable of you to not claim but I can see where you're coming from. If only all people had the same attitude with regards to getting back to work.

You shouldn't feel bad for claiming benefits that you're entitled to though. It's not as if you want to feel the way you do. Hopefully they'll get the process cleaned up so that those that need it most get the help they need & the shirkers get wormed out

Kel
xxx