Sheem
14-10-10, 18:20
Hiya - I'm me. Me is a depressive, social-and-general anxiety suffering control freak. I'm not as bad as it may sound, but it certainly makes me quirky.
Suffered with depression when I was 16, after years of self-esteem issues. To quote an Olive Oyl song - "He's large" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRUa_E1CugU).
I developed a really cool mechanism for dealing with bullying, that lead to me bullying myself in a wittier way than the bully, and then ridiculing them for a lack of imagination. As a side-effect, it does mean that you become the de-facto expert on what to say to hurt you - it's not as clever a technique as you might originally convince yourself.
Anyways, I digress - so yes, depression - bout a year or two during college, when I went from hard-working square to rebellious smoking heavy metal fan. Good ole Prozac saw me through that. My pride in my work, an almost always constant due to perfectionism, was reduced to zero. On the bright side, I socialized more.
Social anxiety was through various long-standing issues - physical withdrawal and avoidance when touched or hugged, through projection of feelings of disgust onto the person touching me. I felt their perceived disgust, and withdrew for their benefit. Likewise, my history of relationships amounts to close-to-zero for similar reasons, and the genuine obesity issue. (I can be rational about it, but the more extreme thoughts are there). Also, I suffer from psoriasis, so have periods of looking like Freddie Kruger. Both help to account for the self-esteem issue, which I suspect due to duration underline many of my mental health issues.
Likewise, finding it difficult to walk through busy populated areas - all sorts of wonderful illogical reasons, from fear of having soiled myself (IBS - never, ever happened, but the fear's always there - it's shame and anxiety all wrapped into one), and generally not wanting people to engage with me. I used to self-medicate by using my music as a distraction, but CBT has helped with this.
General anxiety as come from this bed-rock of sound mental health combined with various fears of money and debt after University, an over-developed sense of concern for my disabled Mother, whom I once again live with, my social anxieties, and more recently, a feeling of ineptitude in my work.
I've often used my perfectionism and pride in my work to overcome physical and personal self esteem issues, but with my work load piling up, work-mates increasingly annoyed at my inability to clear projects on time, I'm feeling increasingly anxious. I'm looking for new work, on a rational level to cut down on my big public-transport commute, and to increase wages. On an irrational level, I'm creating fictional enemies 'out to get me', and just have a feeling of wanting to run away - something I did when I originally went to University, 'running away' from a previous job.
My Doctor has always been fantastic - I'm currently off with the flu, and yes, I have been very unwell, but the longer I'm off... well, I'm feeling better, but that's just avoidance. When I receive emails from work, the palpitations kick in, the reactive need to do as much as I can, combined with the "sod it, sod them, sod it all" make attention somewhat difficult. Proved by me writing this when I was coding a web application a few minutes ago, but decided to google anxiety.
During my most recent depression, the anxiety came to the fore, as a result of admitting to bulimia (when I'm low I massively comfort eat, and purge to make myself feel better). I was given Prozac again, and CBT. It was interesting, and the CBT dealt with the very specific examples of social anxiety, but I seem unable to adapt the way of thinking to apply to my other issues.
I am not a suicide risk - I'll repeat, am not. However, I'd be lying to say I didn't have long, well-thought out suicidal thoughts about how I'd plan it and execute it to cause the least inconvenience to all involved afterwards. That's me putting other people first, I'm a real sweet-heart like that. Thankfully the impact I believe it would have is what would certainly prevent me from doing so. Although, perhaps that's me being ego-centric; who can say?
Again, I'll repeat - I'm not a suicide risk - but my tendency to want to run away - it's not surprising suicidal fantasies are in there.
Hm... bulimia, self esteem, depression, anxiety - think that's covered it. I'm not sociopathic or psychopathic, but do include sociopathic / psychopathic tendencies in my skill-set. I can be manipulative (not to those close to me, as a rule), I can be a compulsive liar. I know I am neither, but there are elements, as there were / are of an autistic-style disorder. I try and be in control of social situations - the CBT helped, as I used to try and pre-plan important conversations, taking into account the possible responses of other parties and planning accordingly. This example is a great example of how my mind works, and over-works.
I had a dysfunctional relationship with my now-departed Father, who was unwell most of my teenage years, but gave up the fight, bless him. Also, I have a dysfunctional relationship with my best friend, whom I love dearly in a romantic sense. To become an object of romantic interest I have to become friends with people first, thus setting myself up for a perfect dysfunctional relationship.
There's no real question; this is kind of stream of conciousness. Perhaps an "How to deal with my work suffering?" I'm fearful of coming across as seeking attention, yet simultaneously aware I could and have done so. Again, over-thinking. Interestingly this all kicked off 13 months ago; I wonder if SAD is involved.
Final thought; I think this is a therapy in itself in writing it out. I've written it all out before, but the latest episode of anxiety is annoying; keep getting palpitations when I receive emails from work. Might see my GP, but I hate putting them under stress trying to put the above across in a 10 min appointment, and it takes weeks to see my specific GP; and due to the above content, I don't really want to tell a locum.
tl;dr
Also, I'm Taurian; so that's cool too. Hiya. :smile:
Suffered with depression when I was 16, after years of self-esteem issues. To quote an Olive Oyl song - "He's large" (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cRUa_E1CugU).
I developed a really cool mechanism for dealing with bullying, that lead to me bullying myself in a wittier way than the bully, and then ridiculing them for a lack of imagination. As a side-effect, it does mean that you become the de-facto expert on what to say to hurt you - it's not as clever a technique as you might originally convince yourself.
Anyways, I digress - so yes, depression - bout a year or two during college, when I went from hard-working square to rebellious smoking heavy metal fan. Good ole Prozac saw me through that. My pride in my work, an almost always constant due to perfectionism, was reduced to zero. On the bright side, I socialized more.
Social anxiety was through various long-standing issues - physical withdrawal and avoidance when touched or hugged, through projection of feelings of disgust onto the person touching me. I felt their perceived disgust, and withdrew for their benefit. Likewise, my history of relationships amounts to close-to-zero for similar reasons, and the genuine obesity issue. (I can be rational about it, but the more extreme thoughts are there). Also, I suffer from psoriasis, so have periods of looking like Freddie Kruger. Both help to account for the self-esteem issue, which I suspect due to duration underline many of my mental health issues.
Likewise, finding it difficult to walk through busy populated areas - all sorts of wonderful illogical reasons, from fear of having soiled myself (IBS - never, ever happened, but the fear's always there - it's shame and anxiety all wrapped into one), and generally not wanting people to engage with me. I used to self-medicate by using my music as a distraction, but CBT has helped with this.
General anxiety as come from this bed-rock of sound mental health combined with various fears of money and debt after University, an over-developed sense of concern for my disabled Mother, whom I once again live with, my social anxieties, and more recently, a feeling of ineptitude in my work.
I've often used my perfectionism and pride in my work to overcome physical and personal self esteem issues, but with my work load piling up, work-mates increasingly annoyed at my inability to clear projects on time, I'm feeling increasingly anxious. I'm looking for new work, on a rational level to cut down on my big public-transport commute, and to increase wages. On an irrational level, I'm creating fictional enemies 'out to get me', and just have a feeling of wanting to run away - something I did when I originally went to University, 'running away' from a previous job.
My Doctor has always been fantastic - I'm currently off with the flu, and yes, I have been very unwell, but the longer I'm off... well, I'm feeling better, but that's just avoidance. When I receive emails from work, the palpitations kick in, the reactive need to do as much as I can, combined with the "sod it, sod them, sod it all" make attention somewhat difficult. Proved by me writing this when I was coding a web application a few minutes ago, but decided to google anxiety.
During my most recent depression, the anxiety came to the fore, as a result of admitting to bulimia (when I'm low I massively comfort eat, and purge to make myself feel better). I was given Prozac again, and CBT. It was interesting, and the CBT dealt with the very specific examples of social anxiety, but I seem unable to adapt the way of thinking to apply to my other issues.
I am not a suicide risk - I'll repeat, am not. However, I'd be lying to say I didn't have long, well-thought out suicidal thoughts about how I'd plan it and execute it to cause the least inconvenience to all involved afterwards. That's me putting other people first, I'm a real sweet-heart like that. Thankfully the impact I believe it would have is what would certainly prevent me from doing so. Although, perhaps that's me being ego-centric; who can say?
Again, I'll repeat - I'm not a suicide risk - but my tendency to want to run away - it's not surprising suicidal fantasies are in there.
Hm... bulimia, self esteem, depression, anxiety - think that's covered it. I'm not sociopathic or psychopathic, but do include sociopathic / psychopathic tendencies in my skill-set. I can be manipulative (not to those close to me, as a rule), I can be a compulsive liar. I know I am neither, but there are elements, as there were / are of an autistic-style disorder. I try and be in control of social situations - the CBT helped, as I used to try and pre-plan important conversations, taking into account the possible responses of other parties and planning accordingly. This example is a great example of how my mind works, and over-works.
I had a dysfunctional relationship with my now-departed Father, who was unwell most of my teenage years, but gave up the fight, bless him. Also, I have a dysfunctional relationship with my best friend, whom I love dearly in a romantic sense. To become an object of romantic interest I have to become friends with people first, thus setting myself up for a perfect dysfunctional relationship.
There's no real question; this is kind of stream of conciousness. Perhaps an "How to deal with my work suffering?" I'm fearful of coming across as seeking attention, yet simultaneously aware I could and have done so. Again, over-thinking. Interestingly this all kicked off 13 months ago; I wonder if SAD is involved.
Final thought; I think this is a therapy in itself in writing it out. I've written it all out before, but the latest episode of anxiety is annoying; keep getting palpitations when I receive emails from work. Might see my GP, but I hate putting them under stress trying to put the above across in a 10 min appointment, and it takes weeks to see my specific GP; and due to the above content, I don't really want to tell a locum.
tl;dr
Also, I'm Taurian; so that's cool too. Hiya. :smile: