Increasing Self esteem?

[supersezza]

I believe I am pretty depressed right now...

From talking to people it seems my issues centre around lack of self esteem/self confidence and I can see that to be true, I have little trust/belief in myself due to two really bad period of my 20's with anxiety and depression. In a time when you are trying to make your way in this world I tend to go backwards more than I'd like.

I also recognise that I place a LOT of importance on people liking me and not failing at anything/high standards etc. This means I make up stories about experiences, like number of boyfriends etc I guess in a way of making myself seem 'cooler' I will also change my appearance/buy things to impress people. Estentially this works for a while coz people tend to think very well of me but of course it falls down coz I guess sometimes it's not me.

My question really is how can you change this? Has anyone found any exercises around this kinda thing? I am struggling as it's one thing to recognise it and another to change it. It also feels quite overwhelming as I wonder what the 'real' me is sometimes.

I just want to be comfortable in myself and not push myself so much or do things for the wrong reason...

Any help appreciated!! :yesyes:

[paula lynne]

Hi you can get some great books on self=esteem at the library, although I find cds the best as you hear a voice.........
I like you. Hows your self-esteem now..........!?
You seem like a people pleaser. Time to please yourself...we only get one shot at life.....good luck x:)

[lentils]

totally agree with paula lynn please yourself and the rest will fall into place:yesyes:

[Dahlia]

My CBT therapist has told me to get a book which uses CBT exercises to overcome self esteem issues. It's called 'Overcoming Low Self Esteem' by Melanie Fennell. You can get it on Amazon - either as a book, or 3 part workbook (I've ordered the book). She said the important thing is that it doesn't just tell you stuff, it makes you actually do exercises.

[Nigel]

Hi Supersezza,

Now there’s a name from the past :)
How are you doing?

Confidence and self esteem... it’s something I need a little more of too so I’m sorry I don’t have all the magic answers. However, I can see two different people here – well one person with two opposing images of themselves.

“I have little trust/belief in myself due to two really bad period of my 20's with anxiety and depression. In a time when you are trying to make your way in this world I tend to go backwards more than I'd like.”

I bet it’s not half that bad though, and I’m sure you’re far more capable than you give yourself credit for. The trouble is, we tend to create this wildly inaccurate negative self image then try desperately to keep it hidden from the world, too terrified to do anything in case we should reveal it.

“I also recognise that I place a LOT of importance on people liking me and not failing at anything/high standards etc. This means I make up stories about experiences, like number of boyfriends etc I guess in a way of making myself seem 'cooler' I will also change my appearance/buy things to impress people.”

And that’s the other person. A sort of wildly unrealistic image of the person we want to be seen as, just to compensate for all the negative stuff we believe about ourselves. But of course, it’s hard to live up to, and eventually it all comes crashing down.

I suppose the secret is to fully accept the person you ‘really’ are. Be proud of your strengths but also acknowledge your weaknesses, because nobody’s perfect. That way, the person you believe you are and the person you want the world to see become one and the same, and there’s no longer an unrealistic image to try to live up to.

“It also feels quite overwhelming as I wonder what the 'real' me is sometimes.”

Hmm...
Who is Sarah when nobody else is around? :unsure:
I think that would be the ‘real’ you :winks:

Take care,
Nigel

[supersezza]

Hi Nigel!

I did wonder if you were 'the' Nigel!

I have been doing great thank you! Got a job, three promotions in three years, built up new friends etc again and moved out of home! Unfortunately then I got a boyfriend and the anxious/stressed Sarah appeared again as a blast from the past :wacko:
So I've been off work from June and am struggling really to understand how to move forward again, I'm back with the parents mainly for monetary reasons but also coz I guess I wanted to retreat a little too. My mind is still trapped in the enormity of it all I guess in that it's happened badly again and I've taken a big knock to my confidence in that all the reasons I put the first time down to i.e. the being at uni, not ready, naive etc don't really stack up at 26.

I have found it easy to read about self esteem but less about how to actually raise this in yourself.

You are right in the fact that I do push myself and don't like to reveal any weaknesses, I get to the point where I've build up this great image of myself and done well through this then I feel able to take a 'risk' normally in terms of a romantic one, then it all seems to fall apart again rather like a pack of cards. Then I get very sad as I feel like people are dissapointed in me or won't think of me in the same way as this winner or go getter fun loving confident person.

I guess thinking of the real me then I have to think of what I was doing before I became 'ill' again and this was just a pretty normal life really! Going to the gym, cooking a lot, watching movies a lot, being busy, seeing my girlfriends, going to the theatre, taking my mum on trips, going on girlie holidays, going to work, getting on with colleagues etc...nothing amazing really. But maybe that is the secret, life isn't amazing, maybe I expect too much from myself and also others? That's what I find hard, what is right?! Or is there not really a right? See what I mean I get myself in knots!!

I'll try the library I think for some books on self esteem!

Thank you for all the replies x

[Nigel]

Hi Sarah,

‘The’ Nigel
...now that sounds rather ominous :blush:

It sounds like you’ve been having some good years, so well done for that!
Three promotions in three years... wow!! :D

“I have found it easy to read about self esteem but less about how to actually raise this in yourself.”

I know. That does seem to be the tricky bit. I’m good at reading about and thinking about all these things, but when it comes to the actual doing... :wacko:

“You are right in the fact that I do push myself and don't like to reveal any weaknesses, I get to the point where I've build up this great image of myself...”

“...Then I get very sad as I feel like people are disappointed in me or won't think of me in the same way as this winner or go getter fun loving confident person.”

Do you think maybe you do push yourself too hard and build up a rather too glamorous image – one that’s a little too unrealistic to live up to? Then life becomes ever more stressful in an attempt to keep that image going, and being afraid of revealing some of those ‘weaknesses’?

Then the relationship stuff... It could be that that might eventually entail somebody becoming close enough to see the ‘real’ Sarah – even the parts you want to keep hidden (didn’t come out quite right, but you know what I mean!), and that becomes the straw that breaks the camel’s back.

I wonder if it might help to take a step back and ask what this image is compensating for, or what it’s covering up. And what would it mean or what would happen if people did discover what you consider to be ‘weaknesses’.

“I guess thinking of the real me then I have to think of what I was doing before I became 'ill' again and this was just a pretty normal life really! Going to the gym, cooking a lot, watching movies a lot, being busy, seeing my girlfriends, going to the theatre, taking my mum on trips, going on girlie holidays, going to work, getting on with colleagues etc...”

Stop stop stop! :winks:
That’s all the things you ‘liked’ to do, and they no doubt hold some clues, but they aren’t ‘you’. Who is the ‘real’ Sarah when nobody else is around?

And perhaps you’re right... maybe there’s not really a right... :shrug:

Take care :)
Nigel

[Dahlia]

Supersezza - see if you can get hold of the book I mentioned above. I received it yesterday from Amazon and it looks pretty good - makes you do exercises rather than Californian Guru crap like 'you've just got to love yourself', which is fine and dandy but hard to put into practice.

Dahlia

[Nigel]

I’ve not actually read that book but I’ve seen it recommended a lot. In fact I think there’s a whole range of ‘Overcoming...’ books that are really helpful.

I liked ‘Change Your Life in 7 Days’ by Paul McKenna, even if the title is rather optimistic! It too has lots of little exercises to try, and even a CD to listen to.

If anyone is interested, here are the links (from Amazon UK):
Overcoming Low Self Esteem (http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/1849010684/ref=nosim?tag=psychologysol-21) – Melanie Fennell

Change Your Life in 7 Days (http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/059305055X/ref=nosim?tag=psychologysol-21) – Paul McKenna

[supersezza]

thanks for all the replies to this...I'm gonna try and get to the library tomorrow and see what they've got there, thanks for the reccomendations.

I have one of the books in that range atm about overcoming anxiety which seems pretty practical, i always start off with good intentions and then get lost in thoughts and sleep again :blush:

Nigel the 'the' was meant in a good way! :whistles:

Thank you are well for the congrats about how far I got after picking myself up from the last bad time. You are right also about the reading things, I could pass an exam on how to do things and give my friends the best advice, just a pity i can't apply it to myself!

I think you are right about the portraying an image of myself but I guess that's because I feel I have to coz I'm not happy with the 'real' me maybe, but I guess I have to accept that most people just live kinda ordinary lives and to try and be happier with that rather than pushing all the time. I do feel like when someone gets close to me they will see that I am a bit more maybe boring and that I dont have the confidence etc I portray then I get very upset when people see that other side of me and I think it's why I'm so upset now coz my weakness has been revealed in a massive way at work and this is where I'd build up myself again. I dunno it is part of me coz when I'm happy I'm not like this but it's being comfortable with being with someone and not just showing off I guess. It's hard to describe really. I mean everyone has times when they just sit around and don't do a lot etc but yes I think I don't feel comfortable sharing this side with people, the kinda mundaneness of life I guess. But yes the relationship side and the spending time with someone in that way is the crux of it, I fear I'll be revealed as a geek with a slightly uptight family who struggles with her confidence and I don't like that.

I think the little tales and the image is kinda trying to make myself more 'popular' and liked by people, seen as the fun time girl etc i guess. It's covering up the serious side of myself who values her standards and intelligence I guess. I feel if people do discover the 'off duty' Sarah then they might not be as interested or will be surprised and expect different and I feel I will be exposed as someone with issues etc. So yes I act all tough and nonchalent etc but underneath it all I bruise like a peach and people are surprised at that.

Ha ha about me not doing the describing correctly, and it's funny coz i really find that hard to do, define myself by characteristics rather than what I do and achieve. But I would say conscientious, messy, funny, task-orientated, inquisitive and self-contained. I found that hard to do though!

As an aside I don't get on so much with Paul McKenna's stuff...not sure why it just doesn't click even the relaxation stuff i find a bit odd!

Thanks everyone! :yahoo:

[munkeyinblack]

Hey Supasezza,

you know i spoken to u in chat all this time and thought u were suz not sarah, *feels a bit silly*, neway hello Sarah nice to meet u :)

the reason im replying is because reading your post was like looking at my life and I really admire you for being so honest. Iv neva told anyone that i make things up to make me seen more interesting or not so square but the truth is im absolutley terrified that if anyone saw the real me they would hate me as much as i do.
i cant elaborate because im not at a stage where i can admit anymore to myself yet but i just wanted to let you know that your not alone in feeling that way and i really do think your very brave.

your post certainly struck a chord with me and i hope some of the excellent replys help u 2 :)

tc
Munkey
x

[supersezza]

hehe no i'm a Sarah!

Also I bet 99.9% of the population make stuff up about themselves! I think the trouble comes in when you 'act' through things that you actually don't feel comfortable with or then put pressure on yourself to do things to keep up with that image. The secret is being confident enough to say and do what you feel and not to feel bad for it...I'll let you know when I'm there!

Also this is a bit of a weird thought but sometimes it helps me! I just think at the end of the day we all have to go to the loo! weird i know but if you think everyday your boss, friends, parents, celebrities etc all have to go to the loo...even posh must do the occasional number two! and that just reminds me that we are all just human really...weird i know!

so yes some people have weaknesses but they don't let that get in the way of the things they can do...or they just see them as a part of themselves but not a bad part, really most people are the same and we just live kinda mundane lives with some highlights and some low lights but it must be how we react to that and ultimately how we think about ourselves....

[Nigel]

Hi Sarah,

“The 'the' was meant in a good way!”

I know... :winks:

You sound a bit like me, but with more confidence – the confidence to actually go out and create that image. I just worry more about what people think because I don’t have that ‘false’ image to hide behind, hence it’s like all the negative stuff I think about myself is there for all the world to see.

I think a lot of it is about being ‘liked’ or ‘accepted’, and I think that’s a basic human need for most people. For some, I suppose, there’s an element of ‘attention seeking’ – though in a good way – because before a person can be liked and accepted, first they need to grab somebody’s attention. That’s possibly what a lot of that false self image is about

I think that’s where ‘perfectionism’ starts to creep in, and I can see that in some of what you say too. I do it a lot, and spend for ever cackling with the details of something, never really getting anything achieved. I’ve thought about it a lot and I think, at least for me, my sense of who I am stems from the things I do. So it’s like if I can see a way to do something better, by definition that must make what I’ve already done not quite good enough – inferior even. And that becomes me and it’s as if people will see me as not quite good enough or inferior. I need to separate what I do from who I am, but it’s hard. The concept is easy enough, but to actually do it and believe it... :shrug:

“Ha ha about me not doing the describing correctly, and it's funny coz i really find that hard to do, define myself by characteristics rather than what I do and achieve. But I would say conscientious, messy, funny, task-orientated, inquisitive and self-contained. I found that hard to do though!”

I find it hard too when I really try to think about it. It’s easy to drift back to the things we do again rather then the person we are. And if you think about your new list, are they all things that are really important to ‘you’ or are some of them still things about the image you’d like to portray?

The question was from that Paul McKenna book I mentioned, and another one to ask in order to identify one’s ‘true self’ is, “What did you like to do as a child?” Hobbies and true passions can give some clues too. Hmm...

Take care :)
Nigel

[Nigel]

Hi Munkey,

“...the truth is im absolutley terrified that if anyone saw the real me they would hate me as much as i do.”

The secret is to stop the hating and to actually start to ‘love’ the person you are. Or if ‘love’ is a little too whimsical, ‘accept’ is perhaps a better word.

You see, when a person ‘likes’ themselves more they no longer feel ashamed, and they stop worrying so much about what other people think.

Take care :)
Nigel

[supersezza]

Just to say I've got the Overcoming Low Esteem book out from the library today and it's CBT based so fingers crossed, makes me realise how important self esteem is...if i have any kids i'll try and really help them achieve good self esteem!