desperate, alone and scared

[frightenedbutterfly]

I'm really sorry to post this but I have nowhere else to turn.
I am so ****ing fed up.
I was doing really well, which is kinda why I stopped coming here.. I got a kitten, was regularly going to the gym and socialising more.
But my GP put me on imipramine and now everything has turned to total ****. I withdrew a few weeks ago but nothing has gotten better.
I have no support in the community and I've just had enough of my life being ruled by panic and anxiety.
Is there any hope? I feel like there really isn't anymore and I'll be stuck this way forever. I'm 23 but I'd rather die than live another day with this. My thoughts are all like this. Along with fighting the urge to self harm, purge and generally implode. I haven't acted on these yet but I don't know how much longer I can hold on for.
Sorry....

[ktloubish]

hiya hun im katie and im 24
dont feel sorry for expressing how you feel we have all been at rock bottom at some point during our anxiety and it DOES get better!!! ive had panic attacks and social anxiety on and of since i was 16 and this time it hit me hard i felt the same as u do now i wanted to die i had intrusive thoughts of throwing myself in front of cars or smashing my head in with bricks all sorts of things . your not alone and u have got to hold on pls dont give up! go back to your gp he/she is there to help you , my gp put me on mirtazapine and 2mg of diazapam when needed and within 3 months im almost back to myself . you just have to find whats right for you!
thinking of you
:hugs:

[Nigel]

Hi frightenedbutterfly,

Don’t be sorry for having a bad day :hugs:

I don’t know much about meds but I know they can take some getting used to – both starting and coming off them again – so that’s probably not helping.

It sounds like you’re doing lots of right things at the moment. Animals are very therapeutic, and the little kitten sounds sweet. And they say that exercise is at least as effective as meds at lifting depression.

Well done for fighting the urge to ‘implode’. I know that isn’t easy. It would probably be best not to try to look for answers today, but just aim to get through it safely. Just one hour at a time, or half an hour, or even ten minutes at a time if that’s easier. Try to find something distracting to do for that period... then the next... and so...

And keep posting on here too if that helps.

Take care :)
Nigel

[jada]

There's always hope hun...we can't always see it and it may seem far out of our grasp sometimes but don't give up on it :hugs:

You did really well up until just recently...you will get back on to an even keel eventually.

I've passed through the deepest of dark valley many a time and thought that I'd never find my way out again but, thankfully, I have.

Sometimes we need help along the way. NMP is wonderful for that...so many lovely people willing to hold out a hand of friendship to guide us through the well worn path of darkness.

Luv,light 'n hope

Jan :hugs:

[frightenedbutterfly]

hiya hun im katie and im 24
dont feel sorry for expressing how you feel we have all been at rock bottom at some point during our anxiety and it DOES get better!!! ive had panic attacks and social anxiety on and of since i was 16 and this time it hit me hard i felt the same as u do now i wanted to die i had intrusive thoughts of throwing myself in front of cars or smashing my head in with bricks all sorts of things . your not alone and u have got to hold on pls dont give up! go back to your gp he/she is there to help you , my gp put me on mirtazapine and 2mg of diazapam when needed and within 3 months im almost back to myself . you just have to find whats right for you!
thinking of you
:hugs:

Thank you hun :flowers: I first got ill at 18, and have been on every single combination of medication there is. Mirtazapine was really useful but I piled on about 40lbs, which was a massive head**** with my eating disorder lurking in the background. Fabulous stuff that it's working for you though, and you're very fortunate to have diazapam, my doctors refuse to give me it. I am seeing my GP on wednesday, so there's not long left, but it feels like everest right now. Thanks again! x


Hi frightenedbutterfly,

Don’t be sorry for having a bad day :hugs:

I don’t know much about meds but I know they can take some getting used to – both starting and coming off them again – so that’s probably not helping.

It sounds like you’re doing lots of right things at the moment. Animals are very therapeutic, and the little kitten sounds sweet. And they say that exercise is at least as effective as meds at lifting depression.

Well done for fighting the urge to ‘implode’. I know that isn’t easy. It would probably be best not to try to look for answers today, but just aim to get through it safely. Just one hour at a time, or half an hour, or even ten minutes at a time if that’s easier. Try to find something distracting to do for that period... then the next... and so...

And keep posting on here too if that helps.

Take care :)
Nigel

Hello Nigel :blush: Thank you for your reply. You're absolutely right, bouncing on and off medication all the time is not helping at all and I will mention this to my doctor. My kitten is pretty much the only thing keeping me going right now, poor little mite. I miss going to the gym so much, but I'm just too far gone now to even consider trying. Safety and distraction is definitely key.... Thank you


There's always hope hun...we can't always see it and it may seem far out of our grasp sometimes but don't give up on it :hugs:

You did really well up until just recently...you will get back on to an even keel eventually.

I've passed through the deepest of dark valley many a time and thought that I'd never find my way out again but, thankfully, I have.

Sometimes we need help along the way. NMP is wonderful for that...so many lovely people willing to hold out a hand of friendship to guide us through the well worn path of darkness.

Luv,light 'n hope

Jan :hugs:

Thank you for giving me hope :hugs: I'm so pleased you managed to come out the other side of this hell.

[Nigel]

I know what you mean about ADs and weight gain. My friend had an ED and was paranoid about taking them. In fact she flatly refused, despite being chronically depressed.

Keep making a big fuss of little kitty. It’s really calming.

Take care :)
Nigel

[ditzygirl]

Dear frightened butterly,
yuo are having a really rough time of it but as the others have said it will get better.
Its really gutsy to be total honest about how you feel, be proud of yourself for sharing with us - many of us can relate to your feelings.

Going to the doctors is a massive step forward maybe write down how your feeling before you go if it helps and ask for as much help as he can give you counselling, anything. Even asking to see the doctor regularly until you feel better. I was in a bad way a couple of months ago and went to GP,got meds and nagged the GP to see me regularly. All is going really well and the nurse is helping me with my weight too.

You've been so brave today- I am always amazed at peoples honesty on this site - its the first time i've been able to be open which has also helped me accept my situation.

I bet your kitten can always make you smile - i have a big daft grey and white rescue cat, looking after him has really helped me and he is so cheeky never fails to make me smile or feel better.

Hope this helps a little but let us know how you get on.

AND YOU ARE NOT ALONE - YOU'VE GOT USx

[frightenedbutterfly]

Thank you so much. It's reassuring to know I'm not alone with these feelings.

I have written my GP a letter which the surgery have now got waiting for him, so he won't be totally shocked when I go in next week. I'm refusing more medication though, they seem to do me more harm than good. You're very right though, the honesty and support on this site is amazing. The bravery people show by sharing their feelings and experiences is incredible.

What is your cat called? :) My kitten is 4 months old today, shes called Lily and is a black and white fluff ball!

I took my PRN this afternoon so I have coped ok, so far... but I know I can't wander around in a medicated haze forever. Hopefully my boyfriend will be here later so I won't be alone for much longer.