Rennie1989
16-10-10, 23:12
hiya all
my name is rennie (well, my real name is jade, i dont mind which you call me) and i am 20 years young from kent. i am studying at university to become an adult nurse (or general nurse) and i am greatly enjoying it!
i am a panic disorder and clinical depression sufferer. i had my first panic attack when i was 13 years old and the depression started shortly afterwards. i believed this came about because i was bullied alot at school. i was too scared to seek medical advice until i met an ex boyfriend when i was 17 years old. i decided, for his and i sake, to get myself seen to. i was diagnosed with the above conditions and prescribed citalopram 10mg. it went great, i felt my mood lift to the point where not even the sky was too high to reach, but i crash landed when i was 18. i suffered from severe depression and i tried to commit suicide with an overdose. i didnt seek medical attention but when i did eventually tell my doctor he discontinued the meds immediately. but months later i still needed some help controlling the attacks and moods so he put me on another round of drugs which did help alot, paroxetine 20mg. i understand that they are highly addictive, and i believe that i am addicted to them and have been for a while now, but they do help. infact, i was in an abusive relationship last year and the meds kept my head above water. i did stop them at one stage because i didnt feel that i needed them anymore but when i was 19 years old (last summer infact) i miscarried my baby and i went into another stage of severe depression, back on paroxetine i went. i have been on and off them since but for the last 4-6 i have taken them everyday.
so if everything is going fine now why am i here? unfortuntely for the last week my depression has randomly come again. i noticed that when i went back on paroxetine the last time i experienced extreme highs that i never experienced before! i was spending ridiculous amounts of money on alcohol and taxis when out clubbing with friends and being completely drunk, being provocative by flirting with guys (even whilst being with my abusive ex and current boyfriend), saying ridiculous things like 'im going to be the best author ever!' and 'when im rich and famour im going to buy a house in egypt' and just random things that, now i know, are just too wacky. i would grab my friends breasts, sing loudly, dance, be particulary too open and just in-your-face all the time. and all of a sudden i have just crashed! i feel worthless, i feel like people have forgotten all about me (i was away for four weeks on work placement), i dont feel capable in completing my course and the other typical depressive symptoms. it also feels like i have this huge weight sitting on me, like a big black cloud. my glass is half empty and everything i say is so negative. all day today i have just slept.
so im here because i want some advise. i am also alone. my friends were so used to me being this energetic party animal that they dont want to know me anymore, not this depressed cow. i was there for my friends when they needed me and now they arent here for me now. ok, my boyfriend hasnt broken up with me and i dont have any issues at home, but i am mentally ill and i need my friends to be around me, which they arent, so i suppose what i am looking for are friends. and i feel really embarased by it. there is nobody here to help me during my depressive episodes, not even my boyfriend :(
so ..... hi!
my name is rennie (well, my real name is jade, i dont mind which you call me) and i am 20 years young from kent. i am studying at university to become an adult nurse (or general nurse) and i am greatly enjoying it!
i am a panic disorder and clinical depression sufferer. i had my first panic attack when i was 13 years old and the depression started shortly afterwards. i believed this came about because i was bullied alot at school. i was too scared to seek medical advice until i met an ex boyfriend when i was 17 years old. i decided, for his and i sake, to get myself seen to. i was diagnosed with the above conditions and prescribed citalopram 10mg. it went great, i felt my mood lift to the point where not even the sky was too high to reach, but i crash landed when i was 18. i suffered from severe depression and i tried to commit suicide with an overdose. i didnt seek medical attention but when i did eventually tell my doctor he discontinued the meds immediately. but months later i still needed some help controlling the attacks and moods so he put me on another round of drugs which did help alot, paroxetine 20mg. i understand that they are highly addictive, and i believe that i am addicted to them and have been for a while now, but they do help. infact, i was in an abusive relationship last year and the meds kept my head above water. i did stop them at one stage because i didnt feel that i needed them anymore but when i was 19 years old (last summer infact) i miscarried my baby and i went into another stage of severe depression, back on paroxetine i went. i have been on and off them since but for the last 4-6 i have taken them everyday.
so if everything is going fine now why am i here? unfortuntely for the last week my depression has randomly come again. i noticed that when i went back on paroxetine the last time i experienced extreme highs that i never experienced before! i was spending ridiculous amounts of money on alcohol and taxis when out clubbing with friends and being completely drunk, being provocative by flirting with guys (even whilst being with my abusive ex and current boyfriend), saying ridiculous things like 'im going to be the best author ever!' and 'when im rich and famour im going to buy a house in egypt' and just random things that, now i know, are just too wacky. i would grab my friends breasts, sing loudly, dance, be particulary too open and just in-your-face all the time. and all of a sudden i have just crashed! i feel worthless, i feel like people have forgotten all about me (i was away for four weeks on work placement), i dont feel capable in completing my course and the other typical depressive symptoms. it also feels like i have this huge weight sitting on me, like a big black cloud. my glass is half empty and everything i say is so negative. all day today i have just slept.
so im here because i want some advise. i am also alone. my friends were so used to me being this energetic party animal that they dont want to know me anymore, not this depressed cow. i was there for my friends when they needed me and now they arent here for me now. ok, my boyfriend hasnt broken up with me and i dont have any issues at home, but i am mentally ill and i need my friends to be around me, which they arent, so i suppose what i am looking for are friends. and i feel really embarased by it. there is nobody here to help me during my depressive episodes, not even my boyfriend :(
so ..... hi!