another newbie

[Rennie1989]

hiya all

my name is rennie (well, my real name is jade, i dont mind which you call me) and i am 20 years young from kent. i am studying at university to become an adult nurse (or general nurse) and i am greatly enjoying it!

i am a panic disorder and clinical depression sufferer. i had my first panic attack when i was 13 years old and the depression started shortly afterwards. i believed this came about because i was bullied alot at school. i was too scared to seek medical advice until i met an ex boyfriend when i was 17 years old. i decided, for his and i sake, to get myself seen to. i was diagnosed with the above conditions and prescribed citalopram 10mg. it went great, i felt my mood lift to the point where not even the sky was too high to reach, but i crash landed when i was 18. i suffered from severe depression and i tried to commit suicide with an overdose. i didnt seek medical attention but when i did eventually tell my doctor he discontinued the meds immediately. but months later i still needed some help controlling the attacks and moods so he put me on another round of drugs which did help alot, paroxetine 20mg. i understand that they are highly addictive, and i believe that i am addicted to them and have been for a while now, but they do help. infact, i was in an abusive relationship last year and the meds kept my head above water. i did stop them at one stage because i didnt feel that i needed them anymore but when i was 19 years old (last summer infact) i miscarried my baby and i went into another stage of severe depression, back on paroxetine i went. i have been on and off them since but for the last 4-6 i have taken them everyday.

so if everything is going fine now why am i here? unfortuntely for the last week my depression has randomly come again. i noticed that when i went back on paroxetine the last time i experienced extreme highs that i never experienced before! i was spending ridiculous amounts of money on alcohol and taxis when out clubbing with friends and being completely drunk, being provocative by flirting with guys (even whilst being with my abusive ex and current boyfriend), saying ridiculous things like 'im going to be the best author ever!' and 'when im rich and famour im going to buy a house in egypt' and just random things that, now i know, are just too wacky. i would grab my friends breasts, sing loudly, dance, be particulary too open and just in-your-face all the time. and all of a sudden i have just crashed! i feel worthless, i feel like people have forgotten all about me (i was away for four weeks on work placement), i dont feel capable in completing my course and the other typical depressive symptoms. it also feels like i have this huge weight sitting on me, like a big black cloud. my glass is half empty and everything i say is so negative. all day today i have just slept.

so im here because i want some advise. i am also alone. my friends were so used to me being this energetic party animal that they dont want to know me anymore, not this depressed cow. i was there for my friends when they needed me and now they arent here for me now. ok, my boyfriend hasnt broken up with me and i dont have any issues at home, but i am mentally ill and i need my friends to be around me, which they arent, so i suppose what i am looking for are friends. and i feel really embarased by it. there is nobody here to help me during my depressive episodes, not even my boyfriend :(

so ..... hi!

[diane07]

Hi Rennie1989

A huge warm welcome to nmp.

You'll get loads of advice and support here and make some lovely friends along the way.

Best wishes

[paula lynne]

Hi Rennie and welcome x
all the best with your nurse training x:welcome:

[Inspires]

Hi Rennie :welcome:

You've come to the right place for help and support.

From your post, I can almost feel your pain.

I'm not medically qualified, but have you ever though you may be Bipolar? I acted out all types of bizarre behaviour, and suffered many ups and downs, moods shifting from elation, to profound suicidal depression. I amassed huge debts, and my life was becoming non-existent.

Addicted to Lorazepam, I was hospitalised, where I went 'cold turkey' to come off them. I was, and still am suffering terrible side effects, both from drug withdrawal, and new medication symptoms.

But as you can see, I"m here, participating as best I can. I'm now discovering the big wide world again, and my life is becoming so much better.

Sweetie, you're not alone, because everyone here has a tale to tell, and each, and everyone, is here for you...

I hope you feel a bit better soon.

Take care,


Sue x :flowers:

[Rennie1989]

thank you diane, paula and sue for your welcoming messages!

sue - for the last few days all i can think about it whether i could be bipolar. but i am too scared to ask for help. my doctor knows me well about my depression and panic attacks because that's all i see him for, im scared that if i tell him that i am worried that i think im bipolar he'll just tell me that it's all in my mind, or maybe it's just a side effect of paroxetine. i am also scared about how i will tell my friends, family and boyfriend, will they think im crazy, misdiagnosed and incapable of leading a normal life? but i do worry about my nursing as well, this means alot to me and if i am bipolar and, with that and the meds, will i be allowed to finish the course and if i do will i get a job? but, if i am bipolar i want to make sure i have the right treatment and not wasting mine and the NHS's money on drugs that dont work. i dont know what to do!!!

[Inspires]

Rennie,

I think that it would be wise for you to visit your GP again. He/She has your medical history, and will be able to help you in getting a correct diagnosis. They will as you know, may refer you for further assessment, but this can only be the case if you open up, to reveal your real concerns. It just may be that there needs to be an adjustment made in your medication.

You are starting on a wonderful career, and to achieve your full potential, you must be in good health, mentally and physically. If you've got all this worry hanging over you, then studies, I'm sure will be harder.

Why not tell a close friend, or a trusted family member of your concerns? Perhaps they'll go with you to seek extra help, and provide support...

And do NOT worry - Bipolar, is nothing to be ashamed of. There are countless people, in this world, living, and working quite normally with this illness - many of whom haven't had a formal diagnosis. And if you DO have this, so what, it usually affects 'near genius' specimens...so I'm proud to be one of them!
:wacko:

Depression, or any other relative illnesses are still stigmatised. People are all too often ignorant. Yet they can only be part sympathetic, and not become whole, until they, themselves experience it. It will not go away, nor can you sweep it under the carpet, in the hope of it suddenly disappearing.

Honey, now is the time for you to take some of your own medicine, be patient, but above all, be true to yourself...then everything else will fall into place.

I'll be waiting to hear from you, and PM if you need to chat...

Take care,


Sue x :flowers:

[Vanilla Sky]

Hi and welcome to NMP :welcome:
Paige x

[Rennie1989]

yeah, i think ill have to go to the doctors this week. i told my boyfriend how i feel (not just now but also that i think this could be bipolar) and he just told me to see the doctor on my day off and stop worrying about it until then - easier said then done i know but he also suffers from depression like me so he knows what he's talking about. but your quote "And if you DO have this, so what, it usually affects 'near genius' specimens...so I'm proud to be one of them!" that's a really positive way of putting it, and made me realise that it's not that bad afterall.

thanks again for your message and for your support and advice, it's really appreciated!

thanks for the message, paige :)