friday (stuggling along) (babbling lol)

[andrew england 2]

Well I was advised its better to post a thread but I am not up to doing thread yet so for now it's gonna be single posts just to get things outta my system, I went out last nite to watch my local team beat rome in the euro cup so feel a bit sick today, am making sure I am getting 3 meals a day and plenty of fruit, it's easier to do the right things than stop doing the things that are bad for me, so am still drinking a day on and a day off and still drinking caffeine tho i am substituting water for it often and am still smoking like a chimney, am now 4 days without any meds as i clear my system out and i feel down and depressed.

Inactivity and putting things off until tomorrow was always my weakness, well I have completed putting my spare house for sale
but this is the start of a long process of a house sale with all sorts of things involved, at least it will take away all my financial troubles when finally it goes thru some months for now, cos this house has cost me so much emotionally, this is truly the beginning and it will wreak emotional havoc inside me as I fight my way thru it. Sooner or later it will be completed and something which has haunted me for 4 yrs will be at an end, so surely that is a good thing.

I will still have to face my lifestyle and try bit by bit everyday to do the good and limit the bad and hopefully this will change how I feel and who knows the citalopram I begin in 10 days from now may even help.

I guess that there are things I do that make me feel worse, so if I cut out the things that make me feel worse I feel less worse (if that makes sense) but they dont make me feel better, just less bad so thats all I can do for now, I have my sights set on how I feel in 8 wks from now not today though its today I have to live in and this is how I have to feel today.

So I will keep busy and keep on with reorganising my life little bit by little bit, each little thing I do now that I didnt do before is another thing I dont have to sort out tomorrow and when the sunshines in may I hope I have a smile on my face to greet it, until then I hope this day passes fast and sleep takes me quick tonite and that I wake up tomorrow feeling less worse than I did today cos hangovers with d/p and d/r and anxiety are not a good mix lol.

[Ma Larkin]

Haha!! I went out last night too. Drank too much lager & smoked too many fags, but work has taken my mind off it. A bit tired now, felt crappy until about dinner-time, but ready to party again now (not going to though - early night with the kids tonight). You'll feel like a weight has been lifted once the house is sorted out Andrew. Selling my house was one of the most stressful experiences I've ever had. My kids were born & grew up in our family home & I had to sell it to get out of debt. I really miss that house, now in a Council house, but the kids love it.

We all do things that make us feel worse, they tend to make us feel better for a short while though & that'll do for me. How come you're off meds now, but starting them again in 10 days time?

I have a good feeling about you & I reckon you'll do OK. Keep thinking positive, & never put off til tomorrow what you can do today.

Les

[Meg]

Andrew

All descisions and activities are still good ones and each day you go without stimulants is a good one even if it is one day on and a day off - great improvement from all days on .

Sorting out anything that has been a huge emotional tie with result in a myriad of emotions and eventually a more peaceful end result.


Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?

[andrew england 2]

ma larkin and meg - i am lucky in so much that i do have another house i own and somewhere to live but still the selling of this house is the final admission that the dreams i had in 1997 when i bought the house i am now selling are truly over and that 9 yrs of my life have passed and all those dreams i had in the time in btw have come to nought.

I was taking st johns wort so it needs a 14 day period to clear from my system. Then i feel inside myself i will need the aid of medication to help me though the way i feel today and that it has less to do with anxiety and derealisation and more to do with an overwhelming feeling of sadness like a bereavement cos i have spent so much of my life focused on only myself and i feel so guilty for the way i have ruined my life by being so immature and self centered. It is only now in my deepest emotional sadness that i am beginning to see myself for how i was truly was and i really feel close to tears for how i treated other ppl just cos i was so selfish not to take certain steps to right myself so i could be better for those around me i loved.

And yes meg what is happening now is setting off a myriad of emotions in me and from someone who has always hidden from his emotions to experience emotion like i feel in these days makes me feel like i need to weep and i am afraid that if i begin to weep i may never be able to stop.

And yes meg, even if i have to struggle to keep down my abuse of stimulants then the less stimulants i have in me the more i will get used to not relying on them and the more i will learn to rely on myself, so it is a positive.

The strangest thing i experience is that when i come close to tears i feel as tho the derealisation i have feared all my life evaporates and that perhaps i am finding my true self inside myself and what i am finding is so wretched and awful i cannot cope with who i truly am.

If I am correct in analysing what I am about to enter I am going to become myself and i am going to enter a world i have always stood aside from and i am going to find out what is like to be human and as they say the finest steel comes thru the hottest flame - i will have to face my flame and go in and live in it to come thru the otherside - is this possible for one such as me who is so weak self centered and immature.

this i do not know, i was born and raised a catholic and had not been to church for many yrs and have returned to mass yesterday and this is where i will seek guidance and strength cos as a person i am too weak to face this alone.

[Meg]

Andrew

Good on you.

I expect you do need to cry bucket loads and let it all out. Remember tears are natures stress valve and instrumental in healing.

It is possible for all to come through this journey and be stronger for it.





Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

Your anxiety is the human representation of the pictures that you paint using your many vivid colours of revolving and reoccurring thoughts.
How big is your gallery ?