Please Help

[moomintroll]

Hi everyone,

I have posted this on another thread but realised it was not in the relevant place.

I have been on citalopram for about 9 months or so and doing very well in general after suffering depression/anxiety for the first time ever.

That was up until a few days ago, when my boyfriend, best friend and soul mate and I ended our relationship. The crux of the matter is that we have been in a long distance relationship for three and a half years, and just don't see that it is progressing. He has been there for me through some very difficult times in my life, and recently he has found out that his father has incurable cancer also. We were on holiday when we split up and it was unexpected. Basically he feels that he doesn't feel the same way as myself, despite including me in his family, friends and rearranging his life to include me. We emailed and spoke every day and saw each other every weekend. I feel that I have lost my entire life now and I feel so alone. He wants to remain friends but realises that it will take a long time and be very difficult before we will get to that stage.

I just was hoping that I may get some replies of similar experiences and a little bit of support on here as I just feel so horrible right now and don't know how to cope. I feel alone, sad, very hurt, and like there is nothing to look forward to. I hate the silence at night when I should be speaking to him, and the thought of weekends being empty.

[debs71]

Hi Hun,

I'm sorry you are feeling so low right now and I can relate to your troubles.

I have also been tied up in a long distance relationship (he lives in Spain) and that is the primary issue that is already a problem in a relationship to start off with, and it is so hard to maintain a healthy relationship and have it progress, and often it is nobody's fault, it is just the nature of it. I can relate to you too in so much as my feelings were much stronger than his, though he said he likes being with me a lot, but he made it quite clear that he doesn't want more right now except to see me when I am over there and spend time with me. I have taken a step away from him now as for me, if it is not going anywhere and I already have strong feelings, it is best not to get deeper involved, but I am quite heartbroken about it, as you seem to be hun.

Because it is all so fresh, like an open wound, it is really hard for you to see beyond the here and now, and to envisage that you can move on from this with time, but I promise you that will happen.

I know how hard it is. Things will get better though.

Take Care.xxxx:hugs:

[ridiculouschatname1]

Hi there, i'm feeling for you on this one, i was in a long distance relationship once too and they are really hard to maintain at the best of times. It is going to hurt for awhile, thats just the way it is. I dunno if anyone could say anything to make you feel better right now, but you will feel better eventually. Hopefully you have some good friends and family that can help you through it. Take care.
Paul.

[moomintroll]

Thanks for you replies - it helps to know others have been through it. I know it sounds so cliche, but I really can't imagine being without him. And I wanted so much to be there for him whilst he is going through the terrible time with his dad's illness. He is an unemotional person and doesn't tend to talk about his feelings with anyone, which makes it very difficult. I also feel very much for his family, who I know will be upset at this news as they had taken me in and treated me like a daughter in law.

[debs71]

Thanks for you replies - it helps to know others have been through it. I know it sounds so cliche, but I really can't imagine being without him.


It does feel like that at first hun, like your life is over and you can't imagine not having that person around, but time really is a healer and that pain gets less and less.

I think from what you say, perhaps his head and feelings may be quite distracted by his Dad's illness, as it is really hard to hold down a relationship when you have outside pressures, especially one's so personal like that.

Stay strong.xx

[moomintroll]

Thanks Debs71, it means a lot that people take the time to post such comforting replies. I think you are right in that his dad's illness is having an effect on him, but I think he doubted his feelings before that too. Strangely though, it was always him to incorporate me into all of his life - he is the organised one, and he always asked for my yearly roster so that he could put it on his computer to arrange weekends/trips/visits to family in advance, and he was so involved in my life with regard helping me with house/finance any matters that were worrying me. He always seemed to go the extra mile in caring for me and my life, but it just seems he can't make the last steps to commitment. He has spent most of his life as a bachelor (he's nearly 40) and says he plans to continue that way from now. I was his only long term relationship. I just find it strange that he did all of that when he says he didn't love me.

[moomintroll]

(Sorry - just to explain further - he says he doesn't think he has ever loved me - but that he has never experienced love. He also says that he thinks love should be where you can't imagine spending time apart and that because he doesn't get excited about seeing me at weekends like he used to at the beginning then it must mean he doesn't love me, but I am confused by this as I don't get excited anymore as such - it's just a natural development in a long term relationship as far as I am concerned. Also - he says that we have been together this long because we are good together and he was perfectly happy going as we were. I am confused)

[debs71]

Darling, I have to say, it sounds like HE is VERY confused.

Maybe the problem is, if he is inexperienced in relationships, he doesn't really have anything to compare it to in a way. He seems also to be giving you quite mixed signals as regards saying quite positive things to you about being good together, but also saying he doesn't miss you, etc, which then makes you very confused as to what his feelings actually are.

I would say give it time and space. I cannot believe that, having been together for some time, that will be that, and maybe with his Dad's sickness, breathing space is what is required. Sometimes we don't know how we feel until we are away from somebody. I would also say though that whatever happens, time is a healer as I said before. We never think so in the immediate aftermath, but things do get better.

xxxxx:hugs:

[moomintroll]

:hugs:Aww, thankyou SO SO much. I cannot get over the kindness of some of the people on here, I really do feel comforted by this site and the people on it.

I think you are right in what you say and I will give it time and will also give myself time and space to recover and regain strength. My mum is staying with me at the moment and making sure I eat well - although I am finding it difficult to stomach anything at the moment.

[debs71]

You are so welcome.

It's great that you have your Mum with you for some moral support too. It always helps to have someone close to lean on. I think you are right about regaining your strength and looking after yourself too as that is more important than anything else.

Keep us posted as to how you are getting on, and if you need to vent, share your feelings or anything we are all here for you.

lots of love.x:bighug1: