Can't carry on another day feeling like this

[shaz14]

Can someone please give me some reassurance that things will get better as I am getting more desperate as each day goes on. I found myself sitting by the river today thinking it would be so much easier to throw myself in.

I am so scared of these constant waves of panic washing over me 24/7.

I never get to see the same doctor whenever I make an appointment so I have one doctor telling me to persevere and increase dose of my meds and another telling me to stop them immediately and take something else. I have prescriptions at home for 4 different meds!

I have been waiting 7 months for CBT or any type of counselling on NHS and no amount of phoning or chasing up has got me an appointment. I cannot afford to go private as money's so tight at the moment (Not even sure if be able to pay mortgage next month)

When I eventually get to sleep each night I wake up wishing I wasn't me. It's such a sinking feeling.

I have severe anxiety, phobias, depression and don't know where to turn. I have an 11 month old son to look after but can barely look after myself.

Any suggestions who I could contact to help me?

Thank you all for your time, I hate to be a burden on anyone. I don't have any friends to turn to, my husband is working all the hours under the sun trying to pay the bills and my Mum just tells me to pull myself together as I'm such a nuisance.

[ladybird64]

Shaz :hugs:

Yes it can get better hun. I was suffering for a long time (did nothing about it) but am now better.

You are not on your own, we will support you hun.

First things first. If you ever feel desperate like that again will you call the Samaritans? They are not an answer to your problems but being able to talk to someone when you feel you can't tolerate anymore can be a godsend.

There is also the chat room here on NMP, have you tried it? There are some lovely people and equally lovely mods that will be there for to talk to, only thing is hun they are not equipped to deal with or talk about suicide.

We would like to stop you from getting to that point.

My personal advice is if you are on meds at the moment, then give them adequate time to work, it sounds like you need a little bit extra help to prop you up at the moment.

I do think you need to go back to the GP (the least stupid :mad:) and tell them how you feel..I get so angry when I hear people have a go at others for taking meds but when you are faced with a long wait for CBT..not fair.

Would you print out what you have written here and take it to your GP? I have a feeling it might make them sit up and take notice..they have a duty of care to you and they are failing. They need to chase up your CBT and not fob you off.

There are also some book and things that you can buy from here and they are not expensive. There is a great one by Dr Claire Weekes that helps us to understand what we are going through and why and what we can do to help ourselves.

Would you be able to do any of these things? Nobody here will give up on you Shaz, dont give up on yourself :hugs:

PS. Need to apologise for the typos..was trying to respond to your post as quickly as possible.
There is also an online CBT resource which might help while things are getting sorted.
http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/showthread.php?t=76686&highlight=Living+life+full
Maybe worth a try? By the way..nobody, but nobody has the right to make you feel like a waste of space. Ignore it.

[eloelo]

when i have my panic attacks i feel like i am the only one thats having them, i have been having them all day long and today it has really affected my work to the point i have had to come clean with my manager and tell her what was going on, i was freaking out at my desk having a panic attack !!! anyway, she has linked me up with someone else at work who also suffers from them, which is a little comfort, even though im scared whitless everytime i have them.
Went to the cinemas earlier and was fidgeting all the way through as again another panic attack took control and wouldnt leave me, it gets to the point where i am to scared to even make plans to go out. The other day i felt so bad i felt like cutting myself just to give me an excuse to go to the hospital as i am always convinced more is wrong with me even though all my tests come back fine.
I know what you are going through and so do many others on here, by sharing my experiences i hope it helps to know you are not alone. Im still waiting for my councelling and for now doc has sent me on the way with beta blockers and diazepam - great - but after 4 weeks of being on them i feel no better !!

[ladybird64]

Sounds like a great manager you have got there elo!

I mentioned the Claire Weekes books to Shaz, they were quite helpful to me when I started trying to get myself better, they explain exactly what a panic attack is and gives some sound, if a little old-fashioned advice on how to start dealing with them.

Many of the people here on NMP swear by her books..she died a long time ago but was also a sufferer herself. I know the NMP shop sells them, I think I paid about £6 or £7 for mine.

Just thought I'd mention them. :)

[ems43]

Hi Shaz, sorry you are feeling so bad. It does get overwhelming and I'm not suprised if you have been fighting this so long and you aren't getting any support. I work in the NHS and if your GP puts pressure on therapy service that offers CBT i would really think that they would pick it up much quicker. Is it an IAPT service you are being referred to do you know? Also, have you looked at a website called anxiety care? they offer a telephone support service for people- im not sure if you have to live in london but def worth a try. the link is http://www.anxietycare.org.uk/docs/home.asp. keep getting support on here and from friends and family. it is so hard to see when you are in the middle of this butyou will get through this. just take each day at a time, and if that is too much take it an hour at a time. xx

[shaz14]

Thanks to you all. I really appreciate your quick responses. I have been taking 10mg Citalopram for 6 weeks now and just feel so wired all the time on them that I know something needs to change but all the doctors suggest something different and I'm just too scared and confused to know what to do. I am having panic attacks all the time but they only started when i started the meds!!?!

I have a copy of "self help for your nerves" By Claire weeks and have read it and understand what is being said, I just can't accept the panics or let them wash over me because they scare me so much! I'm constantly fighhting against them!

I'm not sure what the therapy is exactly, the doctor said they would refer me to the local hospital which has a waiting list of 3 months. I did an assessment over the phone and then waited another 3 months before I chased them up to be told they had no record of me! Am now starting over again waiting for them to phone!

Thanks Ladybird, I will find the phone number for the samaritans and put it on my phone, maybe they will be some comfort when i need it. I may not want to do this anymore but i know my son needs me so i've got to dig out the reserves. I will contact my surgery again tomorrow and see what doctor i get this time.

Sorry Elo that you are also suffering, I hope you find some relief soon.

And Ems thanks for the link, I will take a look. I live in Kent but they may be able to put me onto something locally.

I am trying just running out of steam and think I'm gonna end up crawling into A&E on my knees soon.

[diane07]

Aww shaz,

You poor thing hun, what a terrible time you are having at the moment.

I totally agree with ange (ladybird) i swear by the Dr Claire Weekes books, they have been a massive help to me and have got me out of some pretty desperate situations.

Don't ever feel you are on your own, we can help you out here.

Waiting for CBT can be a real pain at times, but there are other things you can do in the meantime.

There are online CBT courses you can do online, maybe not as effective, but i always believe in do whatever you can do to help you get over this rough time is a positive step.

But don't ever think you are on your own with these thoughts, if its any comfort, most of us have been where you are now and have come out the other side.

I'll sort out some things to help you and pm you with them.

di xx

[Nene]

I would return to the doctor to sort out your tablets, if your feeling so low you might need to try a different one I tried 3 different anti-deppressants before I found the one that worked ,I had to wait a long time for the CBT but well worth it and its hard when you have to look after children when you feel like this, but things will get better I have been there, I didn't leave the house for a year and a half completely agrophobic from being in very violent relationship, that triggered my anxiety and panic attacks and I just kept them going

[Lynnann]

Hi shaz,

Next time you talk to your doctor they should be able to refer you for online CBT, there is usually no waiting list, only takes a few days to get the admin and passwords etc. I would ask for appointments with the GP you feel most comfortable with at your surgery and if you have to wait a day or so then it will be worth it as less confusing.

When you get desperate please phone the samaritons, I have myself a couple of times. My mother commited suicide when I was a child so I know the devastation it leaves behind. I understand that this is not what you want or intend to do, you are just desperate for help. Please reach out for it as Ladybird said the chat facility here is fantastic and has helped me on many occasions as I am sure it will for you as well.

Have a little trust and patience, extend your hand there are those out there to hold it while you navigate your path to recovery.

Lynnann:flowers:

[jude uk]

this is why NMP is a great site...everyone comes together to understand and support:hugs:

[shaz14]

OMG, I am actually sitting here crying, totally overwhelmed by all your kindness. Can't believe there are people who understand how I'm feeling. I thought I was losing my mind! Just feel so so tired with all the fighting to get through each day and then the panic comes at night when i let my guard down. I will use all your suggestions. Just annoyed that my head is too 'fogged' to think of these things myself!

[ems43]

shaz, i had a bad reaction too escitalopram and was in a constant state of panic/ anxiety, could not sleep or eat, life felt like a livign nightmares. i was having constant suicidal thoughts and ended up going to a and e because i was desperate and could not cope living like this anymore and feared would harm my self. At a and e they have a psychiatric liason team, or a psychiatrist on call, who will assess you and decid on what needs to be done. If you are feelign that bad I really would consider going, it certainly gets you to see a psychiatrist quicker and then you will also be referred more urgently for the help you so clearly need. xxx

[ems43]

by the way, that should be nationally, there will always be a mental health liason team/ on call team available if you go to a and e xxx

[Nigel]

Hi Shaz,

I’m sorry you’re having such a tough time with this at the moment.

“I never get to see the same doctor whenever I make an appointment so I have one doctor telling me to persevere and increase dose of my meds and another telling me to stop them immediately and take something else.”

Seems like the right hand doesn’t know what the left is doing here! Would it be possible to insist on seeing ONE doctor only, so he/she can monitor the situation and tailor your meds accordingly? I’m sure it’s not good to be swapping from one to another, but at the same time some types just don’t suit some people.

BTW, if you haven’t found that number for The Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) it’s 08457 90 90 90, and there’s more info on their website.

Hope tomorrow is a better day :)

Take care,
Nigel

[ladybird64]

shaz, i had a bad reaction too escitalopram and was in a constant state of panic/ anxiety, could not sleep or eat, life felt like a livign nightmares. i was having constant suicidal thoughts and ended up going to a and e because i was desperate and could not cope living like this anymore and feared would harm my self. At a and e they have a psychiatric liason team, or a psychiatrist on call, who will assess you and decid on what needs to be done. If you are feelign that bad I really would consider going, it certainly gets you to see a psychiatrist quicker and then you will also be referred more urgently for the help you so clearly need. xxx

Hi ems :)

If you go to A & E in a very disturbed state and saying that you need to see someone, would you still have to go through the triage process?

Thanks

And hope today has started better for you Shaz :)

[Jannie2948]

Hi Shaz, sorry you are having such a bad time of it, it is absolutely awful I know when you are feeling like that. But as others have said, we have all been there and I promise you it does get better. This time last year I was a complete wreck and here I am a year later working full time and enjoying my life again. I too am on citalopram, started on 20mg but after 3 months was increased to 40mg because I still felt really anxious and in a panic. Since then I feel so much better, still have odd moments or days that I feel a bit shaky but I have 2mg of diazepam that I can fall back on, very rarely have to but they just take the edge off of my panic. I really hope that you get to see the Dr that you like, I too had the same, couple of Dr's before I found the one that totally 'got' what I was feeling. I think you should insist on seeing the Dr that you want, as my Dr says he treats me the same as anyone with any other illness, which is great and he always has something nice to say to me, which really cheers me up.
This site really helped me when I first became ill with this dreaded illness and I don't know what I would have done without it. There is always someone here who will help you. Please take good care of yourself and your baby, and I wish you all the very best.
Luv Jannie x x x x

[ems43]

Hi Ladybird

When I went, I had to see a triage nurse for about 2 mins, even though a and e was busy they found a cubicle for me pretty quickly and I was seen within about an hour. Going to a and e is never something i would have considered before, and i have suffered anxiety for many years, however when it gets to the unbearable level that you cannot function and are contemplating suicide and are not getting help through other routes i really do think it is the best option. It certainly helped me and although part of me felt ashamed when i was there (eg, there are peopel dying here etc) I really do think when you are in such a state it is the safest option. They were actually very good and the triage process was very quick as most general nurses do not have a lot of training in mental health and therefore quickly refer to specialist mental ehalth within a and e x