worried I won't be alive for my children

[constantworrier418]

I have various HA worries and each day I tend to go from one to another - my top 3 at the moment are breast cancer, skin cancer and bowel cancer. As we speak I'm fretting over a spot on my leg which I've had checked yet I don't believe the dr's so I'm continuing to worry. Aside from this is the daily fear that I will become terminally ill and die leaving my two young children (5 yr old and a 1 month old) without a mum. I found myself crying yesterday when looking at my son asleep and just thinking about him being without a mummy. Even now as I speak I'm crying about this - I don't feel I have anyone to talk to about this as my partner doesn't really understand I think I have exhausted his patience over this, I feel so alone and I don't ever see myself living a "normal" life :weep:

[Maj]

Hi,
I feel for you because you have a lot on your plate with two children so very young - who wouldn't feel stressed and anxious - and exhausted?!! This is why your thoughts and fears are magnified. You are only human. Remember - the things we fear the most almost always never happen. Your thoughts and fears at the moment are centred round your children and sounds like a form of protection. You are such a good mum. Speak to your gp and health visitor and let them know how anxious you feel. We all need a bit of help sometimes. You will be alive for your children and you will get through this, without a doubt. It just seems all consuming at the moment but this will pass with time. Don't despair because you will turn a corner and won't always feel like this x:hugs:

[fightingmyself]

I know this feeling well. I've spent 6 yrs fretting the same, and my child is now 11. At first I thought once they are 18, then it doesn't matter so much if I snuff it as they are able to manage. I've asked family members if they would look after him if I and my wife were to die.
This year my grandad who is 90 was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, and guess what, he still is frightened at that age.
See your GP, and things will sort themselves out. Please don't let anxiety ruin your life and those of your children. Even the next minute isn't guaranteed, so you really should try and make the most of every second.
At least you take comfort in that you are not alone. And things will get better

[kibbutz83]

Wise words fightingmyself :)

[missykat]

hey there, i can really sympathise with u. i also worry each day about not bein around for my 10 month old baby girl, i go from one thing to another and find myself even in a worser situation tryna piece together what could possibly be wrong with me, when i do that its always something else and it never ends, feel like i cant be happy because i wont be around for her etc. its so frustrating and i dont wanna be like this just like u. i was never like this before until i gave birth, maybe its just a natural thing to feel but constantly it isnt. ive 'had' every cancer under the sun since having her! now i think im dying from cervical cancer! grrrrrr its terrible. just to know ure not alone and hope it gets better for you

[dodo]

This hits home for me too. My HA was magnified once I had a baby. 18 months on I am still just as bad. It isn't that I don't think she wouldn't be looked after, it's more for me not wanting to miss all the great stuff she has to come ahead.

[constantworrier418]

I think that is what gets me the most is the thought of missing out on them growing up, and its constant, I can overcome one worry and then along comes another. The only time I don't worry is when I'm asleep - and in those first few moments when I wake and then I think what was I worrying about before I went to bed?

I'm waiting CBT councilling from my gp surgery but I had this before and seeing as I'm still suffering from HA I don't think it will do much good. I'm coming to the conclusion I will just have to live with this and accept it's a part of me or go back on anti depressants but I don't feel depressed, my life is pretty good and I just want to be healthy and see my children grow.

[happycamper]

Hey chuck,
I'm completely with you, the 3 'c's words are exactly the ones I worry about, as my parents have had them all although they are still alive now.
Yes, having young children makes it all so much more almost unbearable, I don't ever remember worrying about myself until I had my oldest 6 years ago, it's a hugely viscous circle isn't it.
However since I went back to my GP centre in June, this time extremely upset resulting in being started on citalopram as well as seeing a clinical psychologist attached to a charity cancer support centre, (as a family member of cancer sufferers I was incredibly lucky to be offered this service), things have greatly improved for me and I can try and think much more rationally - most of the time!
When the time comes to stop the cit etc though, I am a little scared in case it all returns...But got to be positive eh...
XXX

[dodo]

Ditto, really feel for you. I know exactly where you're coming from. ((Hugs))

[NervousNellie]

Hi! I am a mother of 3 small childre, ages 7, 5 and 4 months. I think every mother feels the same way you do. Before I had kids, I didn't care what happened to me. But once those children came along, I found that I quit smoking, started eating better, etc. to try to stick around as long as I possibly could!! Also, you mentioned that your youngest is one month old. Right now, you are going through a major hormonal change. Your body is trying to return back to normal after having a baby. That, alone, is enough to make a woman go crazy! Please don't be so hard on yourself. I just went through the same thing a couple of months ago and my sister-in-law had a baby 6 months ago. She doesn't have anxiety and she ended up on anxiety meds because she was feeling so bad. She's feeling better now and now that my hormones are starting to level out, things don't seem so bad. I still worry about being around for my kids, but it's not all consuming. It's just a worry now instead of a being on the forefront of my mind all day, every day. So hang in there. It will get better! Congrats on the baby!

[westofengland]

I hear you, I am a single dad with three kids. My wife died at 46 of breast cancer

BUT she was very unlucky. The odds were she'd make it. She didn't but that doesn't mean you have cancer

And even the way she died wasn't as we expected, it was sad, but she ended up at peace with herself and spent some great time with the kids.

As for you, I am not going to say there are any guarantees. You might get cancer and leave your kids bereaved. But the odds of it happening are lower than you think.

A big part of OCD, as I understand it, is learning to tolerate an uncertain future

If we are smart, we can turn this uncertainty from anxiety to opportunity, making the most of every day and being the best possible parent we can be. As we won't be around for ever.

Enbrace uncertainty and maybe we can learn to live better by facing death. This is probably a more fruitful path than constantly seeking reassurance?

That's what I am trying to do. It's bloody hard but worth working with. I am trying to unlearn all my behaviour that I thought helped. It doesnt

Good luck and love

[constantworrier418]

Thanks everyone - westofengland sorry about your wife - really puts things into perpective when you hear other peoples situation

xx

[westofengland]

yes thanks. My therapist says an interesting thing. What we have trouble with are the 'thoughts' that we are ill or are about to get ill. The thoughts cause an almost unbearable anxiety which we have to damp down by reassurance or compulsive behaviour. Eg, going to the dr lots, seeking reassurance on this forum, googling symptoms.
What I am trying to do is 'cold turkey' the anxiety when it arises and tough it out. The anxiety is horrible and depressing but it won't kill me

When I seek reassurance I feel good for about half an hour, then other doubts and worries come back

So you dying and the kids being on their own is a thought - a worrying one, one that causes lots of anxiety, but the probability of it happening is lower than you think