Why does everyone need to know?

[debs71]

Hello Friends,

I wasn't sure whether to post this in MISC but I am just a bit upset about something and needed a vent and some opinion really.

Ever since I started having mental health problems years ago I have felt embarrassed, guilty and a bit like the black sheep of the family, and I am quite private about talking about my issues except with close family - Mum, Dad, Sister and one particular friend who also suffers with anxiety, however, over the years my Mum has talked about my health with other people, like on the phone to my Aunts, friends at work, etc. and we have had words about this before as I am not happy with her doing this, but I have perhaps thought that maybe she needs to offload, so let it go.

I have awoken this morning, gone downstairs, and found her talking to my Aunt about my hospital appt last week for my breast lump, and how she 'went with me as if she sits too long she starts feeling faint and that is (in hushed tones she said the next words) her...mental......state'.

I am quite angry and upset about this. The last few months have been bad for me. My panic and anxiety has returned, I had to restart Cipralex, force myself out to shop due to my agorophobia again and passing out in public, and I have just returned to a state of near normality again and feel very positive, but I just feel that my Mum in some ways prolongs and fuels everyones perceptions of me as some 'nut job' and constantly (albeit unwittingly) undermines and humiliates me by talking about my conditions to all and sundry.I just feel this is my private business and she is going too far, especially when I am so much better and getting myself sorted. I also feel I am not credited with things I can do. Yes, she went with me to the hospital, but I went alone to a GP appt. about the ringworm on my leg by myself with no problems at all, but all she talks about is my potential failures.

I know that probably this is my neurosis, and my own embarrassment of my conditions, but I just don't like her talking about something so personal with the world and its Mother, family or not. I also spoke only a few days with her about this and that it upsets me, and here she goes again doing it.

AM BEING UNREASONABLE? IS IT JUST ME? WHAT DOES ANYONE THINK?

Thanks and love to all.xx:weep:

[ljd]

Hi debs,

try speaking to her again about, we do need to off load to people but its not fair on you if sheis constantly talking to others about you. well done for trying to sort yourself out and keep going with that. tc

[ditzygirl]

Sweetie

I understand your frustration too - my mum does things like that, I know she doesn't mean to hurt me i think she is just trying to justify things in her own head but some stuff is personal.

I have to be honest I have given up worrying about others judging me, so i suffer depression and anxiety - so do thousands of others!!!!!!

Maybe you need to calmly explain to your mum how this makes you fee.

Good luck and rant to us anytimexxxx

[kibbutz83]

Hi Debs, my mother has done it for the past 40 years, she can't help herself. It makes me so angry that I stopped talking to her. I think it makes them feel superior :( She's ALWAYS found a way of undermining or belittling me, and I feel like screaming at her, but walking away has been healthier for me... although I know she still does it :( I think that as long as I "relied" on my mother for anything, she felt entitled to complain about me! As far as I can see, that's not what motherhood should be about :( Can you maybe distance yourself from her a bit? I see her behaviour as a bad habit she doesn't recognize as bad :(

[debs71]

Thanks so much everyone for your replies...xxxx:hugs:

It just makes me so mad. I just feel like it is gossiping about something so personal for me. I know what you mean ditzy, I mostly have come to terms with my depression/anxiety/panic, I just feel all those doubts and shame rushing back whenever she blabs about it to people as I then feel that I am being judged and talked about. When I tell her this she says it is all in my head and people care and want to know about it, but I should be the one to talk about it shouldn't I?

My Mum has tried, but never understood my anxiety and panic no matter how I have spoken to her about it all and when she talks about it to people she does so in a way that is so offensive and it hurts me more than words can say. I am just tired of it and feel like my life isn't my own under her roof sometimes.

Sadly, I am not in a position to have my own place. I am grateful to my parents for their support but I just don't feel understood at all sometimes.:weep:

[Hazel B]

I don't think anyone understands until they have had these problems themselves. I think your Mum is talking about it to help herself and her own worries, replying if people ask how you are, and needing to get reassurance for herself as she will worry about you. She seems very supportive and is probably completely unaware of how you feel. You may be very sensitive about what people say about you, but also it may be worth having a quiet, calm word with her to say you overheard and would like her to tone it down.

I lost my dear Mum to depression 3 years ago and I would give anything to hear her voice again, even if she was meddling. Sorry to be emotional, but life is so short and it's a shame to be upset with our loved ones.

Hope you are ok. x:)

[kibbutz83]

Debs, you may well have to put up with it until you're able to leave :( I know my mother resented me when I still lived under her roof... now I resent all the years she made my life miserable :( I think they expect us to fly the nest at 18, and if we don't then we become a "problem" :( I was 30 when I moved out, wish I'd done it sooner, anxiety or no anxiety :)

[debs71]

I don't think anyone understands until they have had these problems themselves. I think your Mum is talking about it to help herself and her own worries, replying if people ask how you are, and needing to get reassurance for herself as she will worry about you. She seems very supportive and is probably completely unaware of how you feel. You may be very sensitive about what people say about you, but also it may be worth having a quiet, calm word with her to say you overheard and would like her to tone it down.

I lost my dear Mum to depression 3 years ago and I would give anything to hear her voice again, even if she was meddling. Sorry to be emotional, but life is so short and it's a shame to be upset with our loved ones.

Hope you are ok. x:)

Yes, you are right Hazel, and I hope I don't sound like a brat about this. I love my Mum dearly, and she is supportive, but I barely talk beyond these walls with anyone about my conditions, and I just wish that she would be a little more discreet. Life is short I know, it is just hard when trying to get your own life back on track to feel that those closest aren't helping that.You are also right about me being sensitive about it. Overly so at times. I am afraid I am a worrier, and have always cared what people think of me.

I am sorry if I upset you Hazel.xx

You are right Kibbutz. I think until I leave I'll have to come to terms with this. xx

[Hazel B]

I wasn't upset, don't worry. :)x

I can deal with confrontation as a people manager at work but when it comes to family when they have upset me, I clam up and feel teary. I used to write things down if someone had upset me so much I couldn't tell them without being crying, since I started counselling I've learnt to use my assertive skills in my personal life, though it still gets me all tangled up inside.

Maybe you could tell your Mum how private you feel about certain things and ask for her ongoing discretion? I am sure she would be mortified to know how upset you are. When my anxiety was at its worst, I worried about what everyone was saying about me, I think it's natural as you are so vulnerable. Now I'm a little stronger I think, sod what they think, if they can't support me and be kind, move on.

Take care and hope you're less upset. x

[moomintroll]

Hi Debs,

I now how you feel on this one - my family always feel the need to discuss me and my problems with each other when I have asked them not to. I am not close to my brother and barely speak to him (not for any reason as such - just not a particularly close family!) yet when something bad happens in my life like my recent relationship breakdown, my family seem to go running to him and tell him everything but then deny it to me! It's not even that they tell him - it's the fact they then deny it to me like I am stupid even though he miraculously seems to know everything all of a sudden! Aaaarrgh! I am a very private person and I HATE people discussing me when I have asked them not to. I am willing to tell everyone my business when I feel ready and am a very open person normally, but for other people to feel they have to do it for you when you don't want them to is infuriating and demeaning in my mind. I always feel as if they are all saying "Oh there she goes again, another trauma.."

It's like when I started on Citalopram for depression and anxiety - I didn't discuss it with everyone - just close family members ie mother and grandmother, and the next thing I new, my brother is providing advice to the whole family about how long they should take to work and side effects (bearing in mind he has never taken them!). I feel like they treat me like a child, taking it upon themselves to discuss what they like about my private life without asking me first. Especially frustrating since I have lost count how many times I have asked them categorically not to discuss me with other people. :mad:Very annoying.

[kibbutz83]

I think it makes them feel powerful Moomintroll, like they have some control over us? :(
I love the very hungry caterpillar x

[moomintroll]

Yeah the Hungry Caterpillar is cool! My favourite has to be Cookie Monster though!! :D

It is a form of control I think. I know that I can be touchy about these things and that my family is just thinking about me and the way I am feeling, but it doesn't give them the right to treat me like a child..I'm nearly thirty for goodness sake!! Sorry - am actually just in the middle of a slight row with my mother about a similar issue! SCREAMMMM! He he! :whistles:

x

[debs71]

Hi Debs,

I now how you feel on this one - my family always feel the need to discuss me and my problems with each other when I have asked them not to. I am not close to my brother and barely speak to him (not for any reason as such - just not a particularly close family!) yet when something bad happens in my life like my recent relationship breakdown, my family seem to go running to him and tell him everything but then deny it to me! It's not even that they tell him - it's the fact they then deny it to me like I am stupid even though he miraculously seems to know everything all of a sudden! Aaaarrgh! I am a very private person and I HATE people discussing me when I have asked them not to. I am willing to tell everyone my business when I feel ready and am a very open person normally, but for other people to feel they have to do it for you when you don't want them to is infuriating and demeaning in my mind. I always feel as if they are all saying "Oh there she goes again, another trauma.."

It's like when I started on Citalopram for depression and anxiety - I didn't discuss it with everyone - just close family members ie mother and grandmother, and the next thing I new, my brother is providing advice to the whole family about how long they should take to work and side effects (bearing in mind he has never taken them!). I feel like they treat me like a child, taking it upon themselves to discuss what they like about my private life without asking me first. Especially frustrating since I have lost count how many times I have asked them categorically not to discuss me with other people. :mad:Very annoying.

You have summed up exactly my feeling moomintroll....

I do feel that were I living away from home my life would feel less 'owned' by other people. I feel like I'm treated like a moody teenager here, I really do, with my Mum telling everyone all the details. If I were not at home I would deal with these things in private, and to the most part, alone as most people my age do.

As I said before, I know that my Mum needs to talk to other people about it all, but that isn't what she does most of the time, it is more of a gossipy type conversation, and that is what I object to, as it is my business, nobody elses.

Thanks so much everyone for your help and support....I'm glad I am not alone in this. (although sorry you also have to deal with stuff like this too):wacko:

[moomintroll]

[QUOTE=moomintroll1;734074]Yeah the Hungry Caterpillar is cool! My favourite has to be Cookie Monster though!! :D

He he - I have just re read this and realised that I don't help my case here!!! -

][/QUOTE
, but it doesn't give them the right to treat me like a child..I'm nearly thirty for goodness sake!! x][/QUOTE

:roflmao:

[moomintroll]

You have summed up exactly my feeling moomintroll....

I do feel that were I living away from home my life would feel less 'owned' by other people. I feel like I'm treated like a moody teenager here, I really do, with my Mum telling everyone all the details. If I were not at home I would deal with these things in private, and to the most part, alone as most people my age do.

As I said before, I know that my Mum needs to talk to other people about it all, but that isn't what she does most of the time, it is more of a gossipy type conversation, and that is what I object to, as it is my business, nobody elses.

Thanks so much everyone for your help and support....I'm glad I am not alone in this. (although sorry you also have to deal with stuff like this too):wacko:

I just resign myself now to gritting my teeth and repeating to them that I don't want them to talk about it with other people - although alas it doesn't seem to sink in most of the time!! But I find that if I carry on letting it get me irrate then it won't do me any good either.

I think you are right that if you were out of that situation then you would feel less owned - I can also relate to that as I went through a time when I was sleeping on the floor of my grandmother's living room after a previous relationship breakdown, and it was nothing short of horrendous (although I am extremely grateful to my gran and love her to bits for all the help she has given over the years). I think it feels like such an intrusion of privacy and dignity in many ways.