Coni
14-03-06, 00:52
Hi everyone,
I'll apologise in advance if this doesnt make any sense. Sometimes I think I dont even make sense to myself.
I've just come back from visiting a 'friend'. She was one of a group of 'friends' I saw before I became ill with depression. I frequently felt uncomfortable when with these friends as I always felt there was too much gossiping, too much judging, and too much talking behind peoples backs went on. I gradually began to think that if other people were discussed so much then what was being said about me when I wasnt there? I hated being part of it and began to distance myself. They told me I was paranoid and the problem was all in my head. I stopped going out, stopped socialising with them and they never bothered coming to seeif I was ok. They thought it best to leave me alone apparently.All the time I was off work they never once bothered to see if I was alright.
Anyway I have felt guilty for cutting them out, began to think maybe it was me, and tonight I thought I would break the ice and go and visit one of them. Now I wish I hadnt.
Aparrently it was my problem all along. I was paranoid. I was weak. Other people have felt like me, with the despair, the hopelessness, the fear, the self loathing. This particular girl had felt like this before for a week or two but 'she is a stronger person than me and managed to pull herself together.' I have been for counselling but she says if I had had good friends to talk to that wouldnt have been necessary.
It was all my own fault. I was too sensitive. My 13 year old son at the time seemingly tried to make them include me in their little 'get togethers'. She says I shouldve just got on with things. My mum died in the middle of all this and I had a difficult relationship with my mum anyway. But I shoud've just accepted her death and moved on. My job was terrible, really stressful, still is, but lots of people have a hard time at work....so what.
I know my life isnt any worse than anyone else. I know I had no reason to feel the way I did and sometimes still do. I was just beginning to pick myself up and now I feel like s*** again. I shouldve been stronger. Its like they think I chose to feel like this. I'm a weak useless person. Its like she says everyone feels low sometimes but normally people dont give in to it. I couldnt go out, couldnt speak to anyone, alternated beteween being terrified (of what?) and feeling so low I didn t think I'd be able to carry on and now I feel so ashamed that I was the way I was.
Im such a pathetic idiot. I hate myself for how I've been, they really couldnt hate me any more than I do already.
I know it wasnt their fault I became ill, it was mine. I dont even know what I expected from tonight, but I certainly didnt expect to be made to feel so ashamed of myself. I really tried to carry on as normal but I couldnt. Everything felt out of my control and I truly wanted to die.
Now I feel I'll never be able to put this behind me. Why do I have to feel this shame. Is this the way its going to be from now on?
Sorry for moaning but had to get it all out.
Coni
I'll apologise in advance if this doesnt make any sense. Sometimes I think I dont even make sense to myself.
I've just come back from visiting a 'friend'. She was one of a group of 'friends' I saw before I became ill with depression. I frequently felt uncomfortable when with these friends as I always felt there was too much gossiping, too much judging, and too much talking behind peoples backs went on. I gradually began to think that if other people were discussed so much then what was being said about me when I wasnt there? I hated being part of it and began to distance myself. They told me I was paranoid and the problem was all in my head. I stopped going out, stopped socialising with them and they never bothered coming to seeif I was ok. They thought it best to leave me alone apparently.All the time I was off work they never once bothered to see if I was alright.
Anyway I have felt guilty for cutting them out, began to think maybe it was me, and tonight I thought I would break the ice and go and visit one of them. Now I wish I hadnt.
Aparrently it was my problem all along. I was paranoid. I was weak. Other people have felt like me, with the despair, the hopelessness, the fear, the self loathing. This particular girl had felt like this before for a week or two but 'she is a stronger person than me and managed to pull herself together.' I have been for counselling but she says if I had had good friends to talk to that wouldnt have been necessary.
It was all my own fault. I was too sensitive. My 13 year old son at the time seemingly tried to make them include me in their little 'get togethers'. She says I shouldve just got on with things. My mum died in the middle of all this and I had a difficult relationship with my mum anyway. But I shoud've just accepted her death and moved on. My job was terrible, really stressful, still is, but lots of people have a hard time at work....so what.
I know my life isnt any worse than anyone else. I know I had no reason to feel the way I did and sometimes still do. I was just beginning to pick myself up and now I feel like s*** again. I shouldve been stronger. Its like they think I chose to feel like this. I'm a weak useless person. Its like she says everyone feels low sometimes but normally people dont give in to it. I couldnt go out, couldnt speak to anyone, alternated beteween being terrified (of what?) and feeling so low I didn t think I'd be able to carry on and now I feel so ashamed that I was the way I was.
Im such a pathetic idiot. I hate myself for how I've been, they really couldnt hate me any more than I do already.
I know it wasnt their fault I became ill, it was mine. I dont even know what I expected from tonight, but I certainly didnt expect to be made to feel so ashamed of myself. I really tried to carry on as normal but I couldnt. Everything felt out of my control and I truly wanted to die.
Now I feel I'll never be able to put this behind me. Why do I have to feel this shame. Is this the way its going to be from now on?
Sorry for moaning but had to get it all out.
Coni