New and desperate for advice :(

[Betsy88]

Hi everybody.

I'm new to the site and this is my first post. I've got a feeling it's going to be very long, but I want to give as much information as possible to explain exactly how I feel, so somebody might be able to advise me what to do. Any advice will be much appreciated.

I'm 22 and have been suffering from some nameless/unestablished condition for the best part of ten years. I'm wondering now if it's all down to anxiety. I'll explain the possibly significant background bits, then go into my symptoms.

My parents divorced when I was about 7; my mum instigated this. My dad moved a couple of towns away and later met his second wife, to whom he is still married. It was arranged that my little sister and I would stay with mum during the week and continue to go to the same primary school, and then stay with dad at weekends. I remember feeling isolated and jealous of other children at primary school, as they all seemed to have a close bond with each other and I never felt I had that with anyone. It didn't help that I wasn't around at weekends to spend time with school friends as I was at my dad's; also, I didn't know any other children in the town where dad lived so had no friends there either. One significant event around this time (I was 8 or 9) was my sister and I being approached and talked to by a middle-aged man one evening after school on our local park, who was 'flashing'. There were no other people around, and mum was at home. I remember knowing what he was doing was wrong and feeling terrified and I managed to get us away from him and home, but I felt so guilty, like it was my fault, and I worked hard to make sure nobody found out.

I started secondary school in the town where my dad lived and got the bus there and back everyday from my mum's, until it got to the weekend when I'd be at dad's. I ended up being quite severely bullied; being called names, hit, spat at etc. I couldn't face go into school and was moved to the school in the town where mum lived. It was OK there for a while but then I started to get bullied again (spat at, called names, pushed around, throwing things at my mum's house and putting things through the letterbox), and after missing a lot of school eventually went onto a reduced attendance programme. I managed to get OK GCSEs, but just couldn't face going to college for A-levels because I couldn't be in that school environment that I hated so much for another two years.

During my secondary school years: I took a large paracetamol overdose when I was 13 and had my stomach pumped in hospital. I remember not knowing then why I felt like I wanted to die; just knowing that I did. Looking back, it was probably the downward spiral that was caused by the bullying. I was also sexually assaulted by a stranger in a shopping centre when I was 12, that probably contributed a lot too. I felt that was my fault again, like the stranger in the park, and never told anyone. I also suffered OCD when I was 11/12; I used to have a compulsion to touch objects the same number of times with each hand. I didn't know of OCD then, but I can see this is what it was now. I grew out of this. I also had a boyfriend for two years between the ages of 14 and 16, who used to hit me and strangle me. That has definitely left its mark on me, especially regarding relationships with guys.

I think an important point to note is my mum's lifelong battle with depression/anxiety. She never really had the energy to do much with us as children, and I used to be terrified of bringing the friends I did have back to our house because she'd be in bed during the day. My friends' parents also used to complain that their daughters' clothes smelled of smoke when they went home, as mum smoked in the house. Overall I was just so ashamed of where I lived and my family. As I've grown up I've listened to mum talk about her feelings, and I've felt desperately unhappy that nothing I can say will help her. She won't help herself. She used to get drunk at home alone a lot and cry; that was difficult for me as a child. I always felt emotionally cut off from her too, like she never loved me. This was probably due to the nature of her depression.

I started work at 16 and I'm still working full-time now. I've had a lot of time off sick, as some days I just couldn't face the stress and strain of going in. This has improved somewhat now. I've seen my GP numerous times about the way I feel and I've tried different antidepressants; Citalopram made me feel no better, just physically and emotionally numb, and Fluoxetine just made me feel crazy. I didn't get along with them at all and that's what started me wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I had 18 months of psychotherapy but I didn't feel that had any effect on the way I felt. I've read up on depersonalisation and derealisation, and I indentified with a lot of the symptoms. I eventually asked my GP for a referral to a psychiatrist, but he said there was no point because I didn't engage with the help I'd been provided with over the years i.e. I didn't take my meds for long. I was upset about that and felt it was all hopeless.

I now live with my dad and his wife. I'm 22 and I feel like I've achieved nothing; people my age have nice cars, have got degrees etc and I have nothing. One of my biggest problems is worrying about things; mainly about my image, my personality, how I come across to other people and what others think of me. I have a huge inferiority complex. I feel fat and ugly (funny that I was called these things whilst I was bullied). When I'm in public my eyes are darting round, wondering if people are staring at me and wondering what they're thinking. I only have one friend, and I only go out to go to work. I don't really like nights out because the worry of being in public and around lots of people is just too much; I'm so nervous in social situations. I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) of the hands, feet and underarms as well, and I am so paranoid and anxious about this.

I hardly ever have boyfriends because I never meet anyone, and when I do it goes wrong because I get jealous and needy, even though I try to hide it. I'm crazily jealous of other girls who are pretty, and who have achieved the things I haven't. I hate photos and mirrors, and just want to cry when I see them; they seem to reflect everything I hate about myself. I think other people think I'm stupid, crazy, annoying etc.

I feel emotionally numb, like I have no feelings. I'd be lonely if I could actually feel it. Nothing is of any value or meaning. I have mood swings and difficulty concentrating at work, and I'm easily distracted. I think my mind has just switched off from all the bad things so now I feel nothing; I feel like I'm just existing.

I'm been trying to work out what my problem is, where it came from and what I can do about it. If anyone has any advice to offer, please do, I'd be so grateful.

Thanks.

[Geoff2301]

You've certainly had a really rough time there and doing really well keeping your fulltime job despite all your problems. Your gp doesn't sound much use.... is there another one in the practice you could see. Personally, I don't think pills are the answer...... could you ask your doctor to be referred for councelling of some sort..... otherwise it might be worth paying to see a councillor if you can afford it.... you'll be looking at about £40 for an hour but if it helps, its money really well spent.

[jillyb]

What a rough time you've had. In our area we can now self-refer for cbt and counselling which is what I have done. See if it is possible in your area. If not go back to your doctor and insist you see a psycologist (sorry if the spellings wrong, have just taken my first diazepam and feel a bit weird!). They have a duty to help you. Good Luck and take care.

[Vixxy]

It sounds like you have a mixture of problems which are causing you to live like this. From reading your post the 2 main ones that jump out are social anxiety and depression.
It will have helped you to write this all down and I advise that you keep on writing stuff down until you see a pattern of problems. Then you can begin to unravel them and start to piece your life back together.
I suggest you also go back to your GP or find a new GP and tell them exactly what you've posted here. Maybe even print it out and take it with you. There is a better life waiting for you, and you will need their help to get you to that point. An understanding and caring GP will make a great difference to your life.
I'm similar to you in that I compare myself to all these pretty girls. Like Cheryl Cole. I wish my hair was as glossy, rather than thin like mine. HOWEVER think about all the work that goes into looking good. And have you even seen one of these girls up close? You can see their hair extension tracks, you can see dried on mascara stuck on their lashes, their false eye lashes are coming unstuck and they have foundation lines! They just look good from a distance! So take pride in yourself for who you are, because you won't look like you've been dragged through a hedge backwards! Even if you do at least you don't look like you put in effort to look like it :D
I hope this helps :hugs:

[alicegreen]

Oh bless your heart. I can identify with a lot of your story, though i am almost twice your age and have my own children now.

I think that your childhood, and your relationship, or lack of one, with your Mum had most likely led you to have a very low self esteem and a tendency towards anxiety and depression yourself.

I am sorry to hear that your GP has not been more supportive, but I guess it must be frustrating from a professional point of view when they maybe felt that you had not given the medication a fair go? Maybe it would be worth lookin into counselling again now, after all sometimes we are just not in the right place emotionally to get the best out of it, it is always worth another go. Some things need a lot of unpicking and talking about before we see any results.

It sounds to me like you have a very good insight into yourself and your problems, and I think that you sound intellegent and mature. You obviously see yourself in such a negative light and that makes me feel sad for you.

Is there anothyer GP within your practise that you could maybe see?

[Betsy88]

Thanks for your replies everyone. I don't feel like I have anybody to talk to about my thoughts, so it means a lot.

I can never decide if I'm suffering from depression as a result of anxiety, or whether the anxiety is a by-product of depression. You're right about the usefulness of writing it down; it seems like such a jumble of contradictory thoughts in my head but it all makes more sense when written chronologically. Reading my post back, I think the continuous feelings of rejection have played a big part - dad leaving, feeling outcast at primary school, mum seeming uninterested in me, being bullied - and I think they're without a doubt the reasons why I feel so angry and bitter. I guess that explains my insecurity and jealousy in part. The ironic thing is, when the emotions are removed, I actually consider myself to be a rational, objective, sensible person. But that just creates a confusing personality clash, and I'm left wondering which parts of me are natural and which parts are the result of external events. Basically, who am I?

In order to get by day-to-day I've just switched off completely. I feel like I'm on autopilot most of the time. I feel strangely disconnected from my past as well, and my memory is quite poor. It's as if I'm in a daze, not engaging with day-to-day life on a deep enough level for it to make an impact on my memory.

I'd quite like to try CBT to deal with the problems I have now, but I know that my past is of too much significance to be ignored. The problem is, I had lots of psychotherapy and talked over all of this, but it clearly didn't help. The sessions made me very nervous and anxious, and I often felt like I was saying what my therapist expected me to say. We identified the feelings of rejection, and my relationship with my mum, which is probably accurate but just knowing about these issues isn't enough; I need to know what to do about them.

I try to avoid seeing GPs about this because all they've ever done is make me feel like I'm wasting their time, especially my own. I wish I could just accept the past; actually, I think I have to a degree, it's just the after effects that still trouble me: low self-esteem, fear of rejection etc. I wish I could learn to like myself, and build some genuine confidence. I want to be interested in things, and for things to have meaning. I want to enjoy doing things, and look forward to doing things. I want to live without the constant worry, bitterness and sadness.

[Vixxy]

Try a different therapist until you find one you like. I've had some really poor ones that, like you, I felt wanted me to say what they wanted to hear. I saw a great one when I was at uni and he really put things into place for me. I used to feel that I was 2 people too, 1 part was the emotional anxious side, the other the logical side. He made me realise that it was just me. He told me to imagine that my left hand was the emotional side and the right hand was the logical one. Then he would get me to talk through them. So the emotional hand would tell the logical side what scared it, and the logical side would get a chance to reply. It worked for me, maybe it'll work for you too :)

[Nigel]

Hi Betsy,
:welcome: to NMP!
I read your warning that it was gonna be a long post and thought – eek! – I can’t read all that. Now here I am at the end of it. I felt compelled to keep reading.

I’m sorry that life’s been so tough. Reading between the lines I can see a really beautiful and sensitive person who’s being buried under a mountain of negative thoughts and feelings and self doubt. It such a shame.

“The ironic thing is, when the emotions are removed, I actually consider myself to be a rational, objective, sensible person. But that just creates a confusing personality clash, and I'm left wondering which parts of me are natural and which parts are the result of external events. Basically, who am I?”

What about being all of those parts?

Emotions come from the subconscious part of the mind and are the result of everything a person has learnt and experienced throughout their life. They just seem to happen all by themselves without us being aware of them, but they’re what make us us. The sensible level headed reasoning part is the conscious part – our conscious thoughts and awareness.

I too can be a ‘rational, objective, sensible person’ when thinking about somebody else’s issues. It’s because I can see those things devoid of emotions. It’s a different story when it comes to my life and my issues though because those things are accompanied by my emotions, and most times it’s emotions that win the day.

“I wish I could just accept the past; actually, I think I have to a degree, it's just the after effects that still trouble me: low self-esteem, fear of rejection etc.”

It seems like you have a good understanding of the past through previous psychotherapy, and no doubt lots of soul searching and thinking. But there’s only so much that can be learnt from the past, and a person needs to know when it’s time to draw a line under it and start to move on into their future. Of course, it’s essential to understand the past and how it related to current difficulties, but at the end of the day it cannot be changed. The only place you can live and make a difference is this moment now.

“I wish I could learn to like myself, and build some genuine confidence.”

That’s where the answers lie, I think. You mentioned ‘self esteem’ and I think it would help to learn all you can about it. You need to start to be your own best friend Betsy :hugs:

So, what do you like about yourself? :winks:

Take care,
Nigel

[blueangel]

Hi there

I think Nigel has given some really good advice here - particularly about the need to move on.

A lot of us here are in a bad state because of traumatic things that have happened to us. Like you, I've suffered from all sorts of family cr*p, was bullied relentlessly for seven years and have been stuck in some appalling relationships. What we have to do is learn how to survive.

But..... we have to learn not to blame the past for everything. We are the sum total of our experiences, and they are often the reason for the way we are - not an excuse. We have to learn not to hide behind it, as otherwise we'll never get better.

Although it does sound as though your GP hasn't been as helpful as he could (so try another one in the same practice, or move to another practice), but he did say one very important thing - you do have to engage in the process. Sorry if this sounds a bit tough, but it's absolutely true. If you don't engage in the process, then you won't benefit, it's as simple as that.

I agree absolutely with the others who have suggested CBT or other similar techniques; they can be a very effective form of therapy as they help us learn to think and react different. But you have to do a lot of the work yourself; you can't just sit down with a counsellor and say "OK, fix me".

[sugarplums]

hi there hun :hugs:aww i can really feel your pain as ive had a similar childhood to yours, first of all i totally agree with everything that AliceGreen mentioned, and Nigel made some really good points too.

i am a bit older than you, i am 31 and can relate to what you have said because my mum was always anxious or depressed when i was a child, she would drink quite a lot too which totally put me off drinking alcohol .

my mum and dad divorced when i was very young , i also had sexual abuse when i was younger which quickly lead to a hair pulling disorder.
i was told by my doctor in my teens i had anxiety disorder.
the anxiety lead to agoraphobia for 2 years in my late teens.
i know aht you mean when you say 'going on auto piolet' as i have known this too at times.

i just wanted to reassure you that everything you have described is perfectly normal and understandable given the circumstances.
i think finding a really good counsellor will help, i had a few that didnt help much at all but eventually found two really good ones that helped me understand myself so much better.
i think missing that love and affection of a mother and a mother who isnt emotionally there for you, will make anyone feel the way you do.
i know i found that talking to a homeopath really helpful too, the first session with a homeopath is usually for an hour and a half but he made me understand why i was feeling the way i was and alot of the underlying cause for me ..was the fear of abandonment.
a homeopath looks at the bigger picture of you, your background, your childhood, any truama, your feelings, symptoms, your diet, your sleep, and they build a much better picture than an average doctor can in a 10 min slot.
i cried throughout the first session with the homeopath because it was the first time i felt understood and somehow him saying everything back to me what i told him made me realise no wonder i had felt so awful, it is understandable.
he also had great empathy and really useful ideas and logics to help.
i definately would recommend that, even just from the counselling point of view.

i feel you need reassurance right now, dont worry about other people of your age with their own cars etc, we all look at other people sometimes and think they are achieving more but everyone has their own problems and insecurities at the end of the day.

i feel you have been carrying all these emotions alone and bottling it all up inside for so long , and you have achieved something by sharing and offloading how you feel and by reaching out for help.
that is the first step which you have done and in time you will go on to having your own place or car etc, but let time be a healer .
i promise you it will get better, message me anytime you need to ...

love and hugs :hugs:
xxxxx