Betsy88
03-11-10, 16:08
Hi everybody.
I'm new to the site and this is my first post. I've got a feeling it's going to be very long, but I want to give as much information as possible to explain exactly how I feel, so somebody might be able to advise me what to do. Any advice will be much appreciated.
I'm 22 and have been suffering from some nameless/unestablished condition for the best part of ten years. I'm wondering now if it's all down to anxiety. I'll explain the possibly significant background bits, then go into my symptoms.
My parents divorced when I was about 7; my mum instigated this. My dad moved a couple of towns away and later met his second wife, to whom he is still married. It was arranged that my little sister and I would stay with mum during the week and continue to go to the same primary school, and then stay with dad at weekends. I remember feeling isolated and jealous of other children at primary school, as they all seemed to have a close bond with each other and I never felt I had that with anyone. It didn't help that I wasn't around at weekends to spend time with school friends as I was at my dad's; also, I didn't know any other children in the town where dad lived so had no friends there either. One significant event around this time (I was 8 or 9) was my sister and I being approached and talked to by a middle-aged man one evening after school on our local park, who was 'flashing'. There were no other people around, and mum was at home. I remember knowing what he was doing was wrong and feeling terrified and I managed to get us away from him and home, but I felt so guilty, like it was my fault, and I worked hard to make sure nobody found out.
I started secondary school in the town where my dad lived and got the bus there and back everyday from my mum's, until it got to the weekend when I'd be at dad's. I ended up being quite severely bullied; being called names, hit, spat at etc. I couldn't face go into school and was moved to the school in the town where mum lived. It was OK there for a while but then I started to get bullied again (spat at, called names, pushed around, throwing things at my mum's house and putting things through the letterbox), and after missing a lot of school eventually went onto a reduced attendance programme. I managed to get OK GCSEs, but just couldn't face going to college for A-levels because I couldn't be in that school environment that I hated so much for another two years.
During my secondary school years: I took a large paracetamol overdose when I was 13 and had my stomach pumped in hospital. I remember not knowing then why I felt like I wanted to die; just knowing that I did. Looking back, it was probably the downward spiral that was caused by the bullying. I was also sexually assaulted by a stranger in a shopping centre when I was 12, that probably contributed a lot too. I felt that was my fault again, like the stranger in the park, and never told anyone. I also suffered OCD when I was 11/12; I used to have a compulsion to touch objects the same number of times with each hand. I didn't know of OCD then, but I can see this is what it was now. I grew out of this. I also had a boyfriend for two years between the ages of 14 and 16, who used to hit me and strangle me. That has definitely left its mark on me, especially regarding relationships with guys.
I think an important point to note is my mum's lifelong battle with depression/anxiety. She never really had the energy to do much with us as children, and I used to be terrified of bringing the friends I did have back to our house because she'd be in bed during the day. My friends' parents also used to complain that their daughters' clothes smelled of smoke when they went home, as mum smoked in the house. Overall I was just so ashamed of where I lived and my family. As I've grown up I've listened to mum talk about her feelings, and I've felt desperately unhappy that nothing I can say will help her. She won't help herself. She used to get drunk at home alone a lot and cry; that was difficult for me as a child. I always felt emotionally cut off from her too, like she never loved me. This was probably due to the nature of her depression.
I started work at 16 and I'm still working full-time now. I've had a lot of time off sick, as some days I just couldn't face the stress and strain of going in. This has improved somewhat now. I've seen my GP numerous times about the way I feel and I've tried different antidepressants; Citalopram made me feel no better, just physically and emotionally numb, and Fluoxetine just made me feel crazy. I didn't get along with them at all and that's what started me wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I had 18 months of psychotherapy but I didn't feel that had any effect on the way I felt. I've read up on depersonalisation and derealisation, and I indentified with a lot of the symptoms. I eventually asked my GP for a referral to a psychiatrist, but he said there was no point because I didn't engage with the help I'd been provided with over the years i.e. I didn't take my meds for long. I was upset about that and felt it was all hopeless.
I now live with my dad and his wife. I'm 22 and I feel like I've achieved nothing; people my age have nice cars, have got degrees etc and I have nothing. One of my biggest problems is worrying about things; mainly about my image, my personality, how I come across to other people and what others think of me. I have a huge inferiority complex. I feel fat and ugly (funny that I was called these things whilst I was bullied). When I'm in public my eyes are darting round, wondering if people are staring at me and wondering what they're thinking. I only have one friend, and I only go out to go to work. I don't really like nights out because the worry of being in public and around lots of people is just too much; I'm so nervous in social situations. I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) of the hands, feet and underarms as well, and I am so paranoid and anxious about this.
I hardly ever have boyfriends because I never meet anyone, and when I do it goes wrong because I get jealous and needy, even though I try to hide it. I'm crazily jealous of other girls who are pretty, and who have achieved the things I haven't. I hate photos and mirrors, and just want to cry when I see them; they seem to reflect everything I hate about myself. I think other people think I'm stupid, crazy, annoying etc.
I feel emotionally numb, like I have no feelings. I'd be lonely if I could actually feel it. Nothing is of any value or meaning. I have mood swings and difficulty concentrating at work, and I'm easily distracted. I think my mind has just switched off from all the bad things so now I feel nothing; I feel like I'm just existing.
I'm been trying to work out what my problem is, where it came from and what I can do about it. If anyone has any advice to offer, please do, I'd be so grateful.
Thanks.
I'm new to the site and this is my first post. I've got a feeling it's going to be very long, but I want to give as much information as possible to explain exactly how I feel, so somebody might be able to advise me what to do. Any advice will be much appreciated.
I'm 22 and have been suffering from some nameless/unestablished condition for the best part of ten years. I'm wondering now if it's all down to anxiety. I'll explain the possibly significant background bits, then go into my symptoms.
My parents divorced when I was about 7; my mum instigated this. My dad moved a couple of towns away and later met his second wife, to whom he is still married. It was arranged that my little sister and I would stay with mum during the week and continue to go to the same primary school, and then stay with dad at weekends. I remember feeling isolated and jealous of other children at primary school, as they all seemed to have a close bond with each other and I never felt I had that with anyone. It didn't help that I wasn't around at weekends to spend time with school friends as I was at my dad's; also, I didn't know any other children in the town where dad lived so had no friends there either. One significant event around this time (I was 8 or 9) was my sister and I being approached and talked to by a middle-aged man one evening after school on our local park, who was 'flashing'. There were no other people around, and mum was at home. I remember knowing what he was doing was wrong and feeling terrified and I managed to get us away from him and home, but I felt so guilty, like it was my fault, and I worked hard to make sure nobody found out.
I started secondary school in the town where my dad lived and got the bus there and back everyday from my mum's, until it got to the weekend when I'd be at dad's. I ended up being quite severely bullied; being called names, hit, spat at etc. I couldn't face go into school and was moved to the school in the town where mum lived. It was OK there for a while but then I started to get bullied again (spat at, called names, pushed around, throwing things at my mum's house and putting things through the letterbox), and after missing a lot of school eventually went onto a reduced attendance programme. I managed to get OK GCSEs, but just couldn't face going to college for A-levels because I couldn't be in that school environment that I hated so much for another two years.
During my secondary school years: I took a large paracetamol overdose when I was 13 and had my stomach pumped in hospital. I remember not knowing then why I felt like I wanted to die; just knowing that I did. Looking back, it was probably the downward spiral that was caused by the bullying. I was also sexually assaulted by a stranger in a shopping centre when I was 12, that probably contributed a lot too. I felt that was my fault again, like the stranger in the park, and never told anyone. I also suffered OCD when I was 11/12; I used to have a compulsion to touch objects the same number of times with each hand. I didn't know of OCD then, but I can see this is what it was now. I grew out of this. I also had a boyfriend for two years between the ages of 14 and 16, who used to hit me and strangle me. That has definitely left its mark on me, especially regarding relationships with guys.
I think an important point to note is my mum's lifelong battle with depression/anxiety. She never really had the energy to do much with us as children, and I used to be terrified of bringing the friends I did have back to our house because she'd be in bed during the day. My friends' parents also used to complain that their daughters' clothes smelled of smoke when they went home, as mum smoked in the house. Overall I was just so ashamed of where I lived and my family. As I've grown up I've listened to mum talk about her feelings, and I've felt desperately unhappy that nothing I can say will help her. She won't help herself. She used to get drunk at home alone a lot and cry; that was difficult for me as a child. I always felt emotionally cut off from her too, like she never loved me. This was probably due to the nature of her depression.
I started work at 16 and I'm still working full-time now. I've had a lot of time off sick, as some days I just couldn't face the stress and strain of going in. This has improved somewhat now. I've seen my GP numerous times about the way I feel and I've tried different antidepressants; Citalopram made me feel no better, just physically and emotionally numb, and Fluoxetine just made me feel crazy. I didn't get along with them at all and that's what started me wondering what the hell was wrong with me. I had 18 months of psychotherapy but I didn't feel that had any effect on the way I felt. I've read up on depersonalisation and derealisation, and I indentified with a lot of the symptoms. I eventually asked my GP for a referral to a psychiatrist, but he said there was no point because I didn't engage with the help I'd been provided with over the years i.e. I didn't take my meds for long. I was upset about that and felt it was all hopeless.
I now live with my dad and his wife. I'm 22 and I feel like I've achieved nothing; people my age have nice cars, have got degrees etc and I have nothing. One of my biggest problems is worrying about things; mainly about my image, my personality, how I come across to other people and what others think of me. I have a huge inferiority complex. I feel fat and ugly (funny that I was called these things whilst I was bullied). When I'm in public my eyes are darting round, wondering if people are staring at me and wondering what they're thinking. I only have one friend, and I only go out to go to work. I don't really like nights out because the worry of being in public and around lots of people is just too much; I'm so nervous in social situations. I have hyperhidrosis (excessive sweating) of the hands, feet and underarms as well, and I am so paranoid and anxious about this.
I hardly ever have boyfriends because I never meet anyone, and when I do it goes wrong because I get jealous and needy, even though I try to hide it. I'm crazily jealous of other girls who are pretty, and who have achieved the things I haven't. I hate photos and mirrors, and just want to cry when I see them; they seem to reflect everything I hate about myself. I think other people think I'm stupid, crazy, annoying etc.
I feel emotionally numb, like I have no feelings. I'd be lonely if I could actually feel it. Nothing is of any value or meaning. I have mood swings and difficulty concentrating at work, and I'm easily distracted. I think my mind has just switched off from all the bad things so now I feel nothing; I feel like I'm just existing.
I'm been trying to work out what my problem is, where it came from and what I can do about it. If anyone has any advice to offer, please do, I'd be so grateful.
Thanks.