What is fear?

[carldourish]

Many people PM & email me for personal advice, So I have got to the point of writing this.

Listen, if theres a part of you thats not ready to release some fear, and there's a part of you that wants to keep your fear for maybe 2 minutes, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years or the rest of your life. Then I suggest you don't give the effort to read this. I'm only interested in those that has a part that whats to unlearn their fear.

Fear is a basic emotion that has evolved to protect us, some of us are better than others at it.

Fear is not a pleasant emotion. It can range from mild apprehension to heart pumping fear in the pit of your stomach. It appears immediately when we hear, see or feel something. Fear can also sneak up slowly. for example the visit due to the dentist, bet many of you have that one

THE TWO ELEMENTS OF FEAR.

Feeling of fear is a reaction to the mixture of

(1) A real outside event that acts as a anchor.

(2) The meaning we make in our imagination.

THE NLP APPROACH TO FEAR.

NLP is about how we create our experiences and how we represent them in our minds, in our bodies and our words.

The NEURO Of Neuro Linguistice Programming is about the mind, how we think. We use our senses to experience the external world and then we use or senses on the inside ti think about it. In these terms, thinking is usinf five senses internally. We see pictures, hear sounds and voices in our minds, create feelings and imagine smells and tastes. These may be remembered or imagined.

NLP explores the meaning we make of the fear to cause stimulus. It is not what we think, but how we think it that creates the fear. How else can we explain why some people are afraid to go out, scared of dogs and other people are not?

The LINGUISTIC part of NLP deals with language. How we talk to ourselfs. Changing the language you use will change how you feel, especially as you can all self-talk your self into feeling fear, RIGHT!

The PROGRAMMING part of NLP is about physiology. You are all aware of the physical feeling of fear. The tightness in your chest, sinking feeling, shaking the list is endless.

HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU ARE AFRAID.

Think of a situation in the past when you were afraid.

Whereabouts in your body are the sensations?

How hot or cold are the feelings?

How much space do they take?

What shape do they seem to be?

PAY ATTENTION TO ALL FEELINGS.

THERE ARE TWO TYPES OF FEAR.

Authentic fear and real fear. Authentic fear is stimulated in the present moment by danger. It makes us avoid danger. Authentic fear is useful.

Unreal fear is stimulated by our imagining of what might happen. It is usually something we do not want to happen in the future.

Unreal fear is a problem. It can stop us in our tracks. Becasue it is based on imagination not reason. Unreal fear is not about what has happened (past) or is happening (present), it is about what could happen (future) but as not. Uncertainty is disturbing. Without information, we fill the void with imaginings, and those are what frightens us.

There are different types of unreal fear. They range from the very intense feeling of a phobia or panic attack, through to worry.

PHOBIAS

What is a phobia? It is a sudden, irrational fear about a situation, animal or thing that is not immediately threatening. Common phobias are heights, spiders enclosed spaces. Someone with a phobia cannot argue themselves out of it. They feel compelled to avoid the source of the phobia.

THE KEY POINTS ABOUT PHOBIAS.

A phobia is an intense unreasoning fear.

It is possible to be phobic about almost anything.

The object of the phobia poses no real threat or danger.

No one learns from their phobia, they have the same response every time.

A phobia is specific. The suffer is aware of what causes the phobia.

UNLEARNING FEAR

Freedom comes from unlearning unreal fear. We know we learn fear from information repetition, trauma. Nobody forgets to be afraid. How do you remember these lesson of fear. How do they stay

[Paddington]

i am desperat to unlearn my fear[tho i do think you were a little harsh as we often feel there is no choice]but having got that off my chest,i look foreward to part two.I have been using paul mkenna's cd's and i can see how it all works and that it will work given the dedication to keep it up!i had a leaflet come thru the post but it was tooo expensive to go to his seminar,and i could't go any way as i have to unlearn my fear before i can travel anywhere,so thanks 4 bringing it to me.mary-rose.xxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[katyfitz]

I AGREE WITH MARY I THINK UR A BIT HARSH WITH SAYING WHOEVER ISNT READY TO UNLEASH FEAR...EVERYONE WANTS TO ITS CALLED BEING SCARED. MAYBE WORD YOUR WORDS DIFFERENT NEXT TIME
X

[carldourish]

Iwill certainly not word my words different in the future. They were used to get the desired response that I got. Remember it's called NLP. The 'L' Stands for Linguistics. In other words. The only part that thought it was harsh was the fearful part. If you asked the confident part or the laughter part of you, they certainly wouldn't respond that way.

See we all have parts. They do certain roles. If you just had one part, you wouls be a total bore to listen too. You have many parts with many experiences. You may have a part thats the mother or father role. I hope they different roles to being a husband and wife. The role of the worker. The list of roles is endless.

I will often reply to people when they PM, by breaking their state. They will say for example "I feel really down today" My reply to break that state is to say something like "GREAT. Now you know how to feel bad, what resources do you have that will make you feel great" Guess what they do? They PM me back with a list of resources.

Take care.

Carl

[katyfitz]

word them how u like then, ur information is fantastic but if you wanted feedback i gave it to you and im sure i am not the only one saying ur harsh

[carldourish]

O.K. Katyf. Have a good day.

[Meg]

Carl,

Thanks for this.

You are going to post subsequent parts on this thread aren't you so we can keep it all together please.

Meg xx

[Alexandra]

This is a very good read but i have to agree with Mary & say i find the beginning harsh. On here we all want to un learn our fear/s & we will thats why we are here now looking for help, advice & support.

Alex

Many People Will Walk
In & Out Of Your Life
But Only True Friends
Will Leave Footprints
In Your Heart

[bobsy]

Carl. thanks for all your help and advice. In my opinion "harsh" words are sometimes needed for the correct message to get across to people.

By any means i am not "cured" but the words used by yourself are appropriate to the situation and make me want to unlearn my fear more

take care

bobsy

[carldourish]

That paragraph was used to provoke unconscious beliefs. Within those 4 lines are many good and bad anchors. So the only answer to the question, 'what does a word REALLY mean? is, To whom? Language is a tool of communication and as such, words mean what people agree they mean.

It is a shared way to communicate about sense experience. Without it there would be no basis for society as we know it.

We rely on intuitions of speakers of the same language, and on the fact that our sense experience is sufficently similar for our internal maps to have many features in common...... But..... we do not all share exactly the same maps.

We each experience the World in a unique way. Words are meaningless, as becomes clear when you listen to a foreign language that you do not understand. We give words meaning through their anchored associations to objects or have the same experiences. The fact that other people do have different maps and meanings adds richness and variety to life.

For those that find the beginning harsh, I did tell you in the beginning to go away for 2 minutes, 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years or the rest of your life. So why wait to the end. Eventually you will get it!

Sorry Meg. Yes I will continue tomorrow, only if there is a part of me that feels up to it. I will keep plucking away............

From this moment forward in time, I will no longer comment on words that I use. I do not wish for this to turn out to be some long running topic on words. I was just asked by other people if I would take some time from my busy schedule to write something up.

So I've had enough of reading your internal Dialogue, must go.

Take care.

Carl

[nomorepanic]

Carl

Thanks for that and look forward to reading the next part.

Nicola

[wendy]

Hi All

Following reading this I sent a PM to Carl as felt I was (without realising it) picking out only relevant parts to me and I didnt really understand a lot of the content.

I find interesting how we all are very firey in response to what we think to be harsh, and think this is postive that we can change our thought process by just one sentence or even one word! Do you think we could maybe use this as a method to change our thought process during panic? I also think It shows that us people with anxiety even though so many times we are sure we are loosing our minds have actually very strong and alert minds and are always quick to respond!

Any thought?

Wendy x

[Trev]

Hi Carl,

thanks for that. I found it to be a very interesting read. Look forward to the rest.

Cheers,
Trev :D

[darkangel]

Hi Carl

FANTASTIC POST !!!

Other people may read my reply and think she is so insensitive but I know from my own life, living years of hell with crippling anxiety, fear, panic attacks, agorpahobia that the only way forward is to break that habit ! And yes it does become a habit, a habit we feed daily. But habits can be broken. For a long time I was scared to let the anxiety go, because that was all I have ever known and although the sensations are awful and debilitating a part of me was holding on to that fear, as I feared the unknown - what would it be like to feel calm, normal !

Bit I agree with Carl, you need to be ready to release the fear and want to move forward.

I believe the saying that "when the student is ready, the master will come".

By the way, I havent been getting any personal advice from Carl so I am not biased in my opinion.

Darkangel

........life is for living not just for surviving

[mirry]

HI carl,

I am working on the self talking at the moment,
today i walked my daughter to school, went in 4 charity shops - purchased 2 items. Then went to the market and purchased 5 items of vegtables.
Now this wasnt easy - my heart seems to jump at anything and everything,
when i felt the panic coming on i self talked........
I told myself
Its ok youve had this feeling before and its never hurt you, its like a dog with a bark, all mouth no action.Theres nothing to fear and think how far you have come.......you never used to leave the house 4 years ago
now look at you........well done!

Sounds mad but it held my panics back today although i still felt anxious.
Now i feel exhausted

mirryx

[Paddington]

forgive my confusion every one,but if i had the CHOICE of winning the lottery and being free,i would CHOOSE freedom!I am sure there is a sound reasoning to this linguistic trigger,it challenges us and our preconceptins.BUT when i do go out somtomes there is no reaction[same place,same people]another time and wallup,panic stations!So how did i choose to keep my fear on one occassion and not on another.My reaction to one of Carls posts was down right anger,i admit it really got a reaction out of me.So as i said i am somewhat confused.I do believe in nlp,i think it IS the way forward,just never had it so 'in my face' before.Yet i will read the next post,so there is something goin on at some level isn't there.ooh i've just answed my own question!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[carldourish]

Well folks good afternoon. Is there a part, ready for part 2.

After reading some replies I think I will start with Representational systems.

We use all our senses externally all the time, although we will pay attention to one sense more than another depending on what we are doing. For example when we listen to music with use our ears. In a art gallery we use our eyes.

Many people can make clear mental pictures and think mainly pictures. Others may find it difficult. They may talk to themselves a good deal, while others base their actions on their feel for a situation. When a person tends to use one internal sense, this is called primary system in NLP. No system is better in an absolute sense than another, it depends on what you want to do.

The written language as provoked many people on this topic. We use language to communicate our thoughts. Like Nigel clearly said, the words we use reflect the way we think. I choice of words will indicate which system we are using. Consider this: Three people have just read this topic. The first might point out that he SAW a lot in it. The second person might object to the TONE of the topic and the third person feels the topic dealt with a WEIGHTY subject in a BALANCED way. They have all read the same topic, you will notice that each person expressed themselves about the topic in a different way. Regardless of what they thought about it. HOW they thought about it was different. One was thinking in PICTURES, the second in SOUNDS, and the third in FEELINGS.

SUBMODALITIES

So far we have talked about three main ways of thinking - in sound, in pictures and in feelings. But this is only the first step. If you wanted to describe a picture you have seen, there is a lot of detail you could add. Was it in colour or black & white? Was it moving or still? Was it far away or near? You could also describe a sound as high or low pitch, near or far, loud or soft. A feeling could be heavy or light, sharp or dull, light or intense. So now you have a established a way that we think, the next step is to be much more precise within that system.

EXPERIMENT TIME / PLEASE TRY THESE.

Make the part that control's comfort to do it's job now. Go inside and start to make yourself comfortabe and go back to a time of a pleasant memory. Examine any pictures you have of it. Are you seeing it from your own eyes (associated), or are you seeing it as if from somewhere else (disociated) Is it in colour? Is it a movie oe like a photo. Is it three diminsional or flat.

Next pay attention to any sounds that are associated with that memory. Are they loud or soft? Near or far?

Finally pay attention to any feelings or sensations that are part of that memory. Where do you feel them? Are they hard or soft? Hot or cold?

Submodalitlies can be thought of as the most fundemental operating code of the human brain. It is simply not possible to think any thought or recall any experince without it having a submodality structure.

The most important part of sudmodalities is what happens when you change them.

Once an event has happened, it is finished and we can never go back and change it. After that, we are not responding to the event any more, but to the memory of the event, which can be changed.

EXPERIMENT TIME......

Go back to your pleasant experience, make sure you are associated in the picture, seeing it through your own eyes. Notice what this is like. Next dissociate. Step outside it and view the person who looks and soounds very like you. This will almost certainly change how you feel about the experience. Dissociating from a memory robs it of its emotional force. A pleasant memory will lose its pleasure. When dealind with phobia's or trauma's it is important to dissociate from the emotional pain first. Dissociating first puts the feelings at a safe distance so they can be dealt with.

ANOTHER EXPERIMENT

Think back again to a specific situation of emotional being that you can remember well. First become aware of the visual part of the memory. Imagine yourself turning up the brightnes

[carldourish]

Nigel, hear this loud and clear!! 'NO, YOU CAN'T ASK A QUESTION'

Quickly, how did you feel?

Nigel time to try getting sexy with the door. Imagine going up to the door, and as your good at hearing I suggest to you that the door starts speaking in a sexy voice, you know the sort I mean. It goes something like 'Nigel, nigel, come on up and rub my smooth sexy knob, then put your hand through the letterbox baby'

Does that differ the picture, use some linseed oil if you like the feel of it.

I know you know where we going with this!

Carl

[carldourish]

Sorry Nigel, that was just a quick reply, I have taken the time to digest, read and talk it over in my mind. How many systems did I use there.

You say 'I tend to talk to myself a lot. No, not out loud... but in my head. Most of my thoughts are like conversations with another part of myself or somebody else'.

Thats pretty cool, you have somebody else in your head....... Don't tell a Doctor that one. Doe's the somebody have a different name?

You also say 'I don’t think I recall it in terms of sound, or even pictures or feelings'

Just a question back! 'Do you remember the smell of bacon sandwiches, hope you like bacon first'

Talking of food, must get my tea. I will try to answer your questions later Nigel.

Carl

[darkangel]

Thank you once again for your lesson - this is the way forward - it sure beats reading Claire Weekes (constantly reminding yourself of the anxiety symptoms).

A quote from one of my favourite books is:

"If fear arises, it is seen within the spaciousness that surrounds it. Don't get lost by becoming it, but simply see it as just another moment in the mind flow, another something which arose uninvited and will pass in the same manner".
Stephen Levine - A Gradual Awakening

I think of this quote when a negative thought enters and I just watch it pass as if its on a tv screen but don't react by jumping into the picture.

I look forward to your next installment.

Thank you again

Darkangel




........life is for living not just for surviving

[maxxie]

Hey there, thank you for sharing you knowledge. Does make sense when you change your feelings towards something and how different you feel.

I have seen a nlp councellor before, I did not understand some of what she was telling me because of the way i was feeling, could not concentrate.

Could you tell me more about the concious and unconcious parts of our brain, does this contribute to anxiety in anyway?

Look forward to part two

Maxxie

[sal]

Hi Carl

Read your post and your replies will read it again before i reply.

Love Sal xx


Dont mess up the best things in your life, just because at present you are unsure who you are.


"Life is a distance and to travel that distance you were given the strength and guidance to do so".

[Paddington]

yep,fabulous!i have a problem 'think of a pleasent memory' my mind goes a blank!this has happened when i've tried this before.my mind goes straight to an image i use to replace anxious negative thought,it's lovely,but alas not a real memory!i shall have to think back and find one there must be one somewhere!!and then i will try again.thanx.mary-rose.xxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[carldourish]

Mary-rose this will just be a quick reply, because I need my breakfast.

That's fantastic, so when you think of a picture it takes you straight to a blank image. Wonderful, let me ask the part of you thats creative, did it enjoy painting or colouring in it's time. If you get a yes reply, then go to the blank image and start to paint the most beautiful, colourful relaxing image you have ever drawn.

Just try that, then let me know.

Carl

[Paddington]

OH IT'S WONDERFUL,THERE ARE UNICORNS AT THE BOTTOM OF MY GARDEN!I LOVE DOING VISULISATION [IS THAT WHAT IT IS CALLED?]HOPE YOUHAD GOOD BREAKFAST!MARY-ROSE.XX

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Piglet]

:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D Nigel hun I actually cried with laughter at the beginning bit!!!!!

Big hug mate xxxxxxxxxx

Piglet

[carldourish]

Well Nigel, imagine getting the Police involved, bet you wanted to get caught!

Nigel are you really confident that you hear certain voices saying certain things to you in a certain way? If you are confident that you do, then it doesn't become critical!

You say "That would explain a part of my personality – slow and methodical, a need to gather and consider all the information before I can make a decision, lack of spontaneity, etc."

OK, then why when you read the first sentence of NO YOU CAN'T ASK A QUESTION did you instantly feel a little hurt and embarrassed. You say you are normally slow and methodical, yet instantly you had these other feelings. And spontaneity to me means quickly, might mean something diferent too you, yet again you had instant feelings, you also didn't gather all the information before you instantly felt like that.

You also mention 'I tend to talk to myself a lot. No, not out loud. Yet next part goes 'Often it’s just talking to myself, gathering and organising my thoughts – thinking out loud.

What is it goooooiiiiiinnnnnggggggg to be Nigel, out loud, or not?

It could be a matter of trying a little harder, but as your slow and methodical, I suggest you take it nice and easy. Did you get out of bed this morning nice and slow, made your way to the bathroom and clean your teeth.

Nigel you know there's a part of you thats good with this. I have read many of your replies. How would someone else picture you making thoughts in your head.

Take care.

Carl

[carldourish]

Mary-rose you had UNICORNS AT THE BOTTOM OF MY GARDEN. Wonderful, what colour were they? what was the weather like?

Practice more.

Take care

Carl

[Paddington]

i really do get deply into this and find it very easy as i have been doing it to get off to sleep4 a while yet,also to get me on holiday,i swagger,yes swagger down the winding lanes of port Isaac in a red skirt ,long and swishy,and black suede boots.i am determind that will be me in april,so am i doing this correctly then,can i use these images to replace a real memory,and oh lord are you going to shout at me?????mary-rosexxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[carldourish]

OK Part three, still with me?

TALKING ABOUT FEAR.

Take something you are midly afraid of (x)

Say the following things to describe your fear. Best effect say them aloud. Notice how you feel about each one.

"I am terrified of x."

"I am frightened of x."

I am afraid of x."

I am anxious of x."

I am worried about x."

How do you feel about these sentences? does your feelings change with the words?

The words we use to describe our relationship to fear are also very important.

HAVING AND BEING

Think of something you are frightened of. or have been scared of, and say to yourself "I am frightened of (that)"

Then say "I have a fear of (that)"

Do the two sentences give a different feeling?

PASSIVE AND ACTIVE

Now try this.

Say to yourself "(that) frightened me" Here you are passive, being acted on.

Then say "I am frightened of (that)" Here you are active, doing something.

Is there a difference between "I am frightened of that" and "(that) frightened me". In the first the emphasis is on you. The second is on what frightened you.

PRESENT AND PAST.

Pick something that you really fear. Say to yourself "I am afraid of (that)"

What do you feel?

Now say "I was afraid of (that)"

Notice the second pharse is more precise. You were afraid of it in the past. How do you feel about it?

CAUSE AND EFFECT.

Now say to yourself "That made me afraid"

How does that feel?

In this example, you had no choice in the matter, it was simple cause and effect.

INSIDE OR OUTSIDE.

Now think of the sentence "To live in fear" What does it imply?

It implies that fear is something like a container you are inside. It surrounds you, a very uncomfortable state.

Now think of the sentence "Living with fear" Now fear is outside you.

HOLDING AND LETTING GO.

Now think about "to be in the grip of fear" Fear is outside you , but it has you, you feel caught.

Now say to yourself "I am free of fear" How do you feel?

So as you see each of these sentences give you a slightly different relationship to your fear, ans some may be more comfortable than others to think about.

The first step in letting go of unwelcome fear is to change the way you think about it, and one of the best ways of changing the way yu think about it is to change the words you use to describe it!!!!!!

I am sorry, but thats all I can write today. Got two clients to see now. then I am away for the weekend. But you have enough info to try.

Let me know how you get on.

Carl

[darkangel]

I done this exercise and I have wrote what I experienced.
How I felt about fear is like in the latest Harry Potter film in the maze when the roots of the trees and bushes all come out the ground and grow and encompass the full body, suffocating you and writhing their way round your body until you no longer have any control. Writing that last sentence made me feel how strong the mind can be in visualising that scenario. But when I say "I am free of fear" - I can feel the roots losing their hold and grip and slowly releasing me and my breathing and my body comes back to not only a state of calmness but a feeling that I have let my body go and allowed the calm feeling to overcome me - WONDERFUL !!

The word "fear" appears in both statements but conjures up a whole different image by the context and order in which it is said and the body responds accordingly - it IS ONLY a word ! WHOA !!!

Darkangel

........life is for living not just for surviving

[carldourish]

As this was getting a little heavy, I thought I throw this in before I go away. When I do my workshops I often write my handouts like this: See what you make of it?

I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cloud aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdgnieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the human mnid. It deosn't mittaer in waht oredr the litteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoant tihng is taht the frist and lsat litteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taolt mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. AMZANIG huh? yaeh, and you awlyas thought slpeling was ipmorantt.

Have a good weekend.

Carl

[Paddington]

awsome!!!hope you had agood weekend!Am starting to change my old learnt reactions,anger is a biggy with me and i didn't even realise it!thank you carl.mary-rose.xxxxxxxxxxxx

we are all in the same boat and can guide each other ashore

[Piglet]

That last post with all the letters jumbled made me smile - I enjoyed reading it and I could just about do it as quickly as normal. Very clever example of the brain/eye working.:)

I'm reading all these posts with great interest and lots of bits jump out at me - but I feel a little like when I took driving lessons all those years ago and during the first ones was thinking "gosh not sure I am gonna get this" then in later lessons it all began to fall into place.

I am sort of with you all but at the back of the class:([}:)]:D

Have a lovely weekend away and thank you for taking the time out to do this thread. :D:D:D

Love Piglet

"Supposing a tree fell down, Pooh, when we were underneath it?" said Piglet.
"Supposing it didn't," said Pooh after careful thought.

[darkangel]

Hi Carl

It is amazing how our eye mind coorindination works !

I hope you have a brilliant weekend away.

Take care and thank you again

Darkangel

........life is for living not just for surviving

[Meg]

Many thanks for posting this tutorial Carl.

Meg
www.anxietymanagementltd.com

proactiveness, positivity, persistence, perseverance and practice = progress

[carldourish]

Just going through my old posts...Can't believe I started this topic back in 2006. I think it's a great post for new people to read.

Carl..x