View Full Version : Planned pregnancy but freaking out.

08-11-10, 00:09
Hi Guys

I was on this forum a little bit a few years ago when I had a huge breakdown with anxiety.

I have a history of depression and generalised anxiety disorder. When the anxiety hits me bad, it messes me up BIG time. I hate anxiety, it's the most frightening thing in the world. The rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts, but I'll be damned if it's not utterly terrifying.

I've been on antidepressants forever. They worked great until a couple of years ago when I got really sick with anxiety for like a month or two - really really bad. The doctor upped my dose and I was fine again. I've had the odd moment of anxiety but have been able to talk myself through it.

The breakdown a few years ago that I mentioned, was big. I was sobbing and screaming hysterically in bed most days, crying all day, just freaking the **** out. As I said before, the worst bit about anxiety is that the intelligent rational part of you KNOWS it's just thoughts and that people get through it all the time, but ****kkkk it's the most terrifying thing.

I wasn't afraid of anything in particular - just OF the actual anxiety. Afraid that it wasn't going to go away, that I'd be like this every day, that I'd eventually have to die to make it stop (wasn't suicidal - didn't WANT to die, just thought this was the only way). It's such a vicious circle - you're afraid of being anxious any more, so you become more anxious and it keeps on going. I thought that maybe some people are just destined to die by suicide - maybe some people will just never be well and I was one of them.

I went to hospital a couple of times, and was almost hoping to be admitted to the psych ward just so I could be somewhere safe where they knew how to help. It was by far one of the scariest times of my life.

ANDDDDD now it's back. I'm just under 6 weeks pregnant and it hit me last Monday.

What if after all the trying (we've had 2 previous losses and have been actively trying for a baby - it's all I ever wanted) I'm really not ready? What if I can't handle giving up all of my time and energy for a baby. This is forever, not just when they're a baby.. Forever. 24/7.

I feel like such a bad person for feeling like this.

So Monday when it kicked in, I was like "oh no, not at again, I can't do this again" .. but by afternoon I'd settled down a lot. Still a bit on edge, but not freaking out or anything. And now I'm again a bit on edge but not freaking out. Part of me is kind of proud of myself for getting through it and being okay, but the other part wonders if that's true or if it's just settled for the moment and is going to come back full force.

All I've ever wanted was a baby and to be a Mum. I have heaps of experience with babies and kids, and helped to raise my now 12 year old brother, so I'm not in the dark at all in regards to the work involved.

But this is the first time it's frightened me. It's FOREVER. It's so full on. Once my husband goes back to work after the first few weeks I'll be at home all day with the baby. What if I get PPD? What if I get the anxiety and can't cope?

I don't want to be someone who runs out on my family and my baby, or who ends up stuck in bed freaking out all day or hospitalised while he's at home looking after the baby along.

I went to the GP the other day and he gave me a referral to the mental health people at the ED so I can get some help straight away, rather than waiting a couple of weeks for a private psych appt. So I went there and saw the psych, but his job is mostly just to see if I'm at risk of suicide etc and need to be admitted.

He referred me to outside counselling.

I went to a counsellor and had one session, felt kinda positive about it, but I don't know. I'm still scared it won't ever go away.

Argh. **** this.

I've been okay for a while, I'm SO so so afraid it's not going to go away again. I can't feel like this every day, I just can't.

I'm so afraid. What if it doesn't go away when I have the baby, or it comes back full force? What if I can't cope or look after the baby or I don't want the baby, or I freak out and run away or lose the plot and end up hospitalised or something.

Oh jesus, I can't handle this. :(

08-11-10, 00:26
Hunny you will be fine. And you will be a great mummy. Sending you :hugs:

08-11-10, 17:11
Hi there

Only have time for a quick post, but I just wanted to say that I think you should take a deep breath and stop being so hard on yourself. It sounds like you have plenty of experience of children and your baby is so so wanted. The very fact you are thinking all these things means you are already preparing yourself for motherhood. It's only natural to think all the what-ifs. You know what? It sounds like you will be a wonderful and loving mother and if, and it's a big if, you ever need extra help, it also sounds like you will know where to get it from. Please try to enjoy your pregnancy - it's such a special time and you won't ever get it back.

Just by way of background - I've had anxiety for years - to a greater or lesser extent. (Started as general anxiety, then health anxiety always always and sometimes social anxiety). I had many of the same thoughts of you when I was pregnant - was terrified at the thought of my husband going back to work - and you know what? I love it all, I love my baby and being a mum.

The only time I've panicked was when I was first left alone with the baby - first night in hospital - and I looked at this little helpless thing and felt absolutely terrified - for a split second. Like, how could I ever cope, would I manage etc. I only tell you this to warn you - it's apparently completely normal! I just took it a day at a time and within a few days it all felt completely natural to me.

All the best - I wish you a lovely happy rest of pregnancy. :hugs:

09-11-10, 08:54

Just wanted to say you are not alone. I have been posting here since I was about 10 weeks pregnant. Like you, I have a history of anxiety, and my baby was planned and really wanted. But a week after I found out my anxiety just went through the roof (for me focused on health).

But I wanted to say you CAN do this. I am now 24 weeks. It is tough. I have had a really difficult time, and still am having. But you get through it a day at a time.

Ask your GP to refer you to the mental health widwife. I have one of these, and she is amazing. The sooner you talk this through with someone, the better. I am also having CBT, which is helping me to deal with the panic attacks when they come (usually every day). And, if things get too much, they can prescribe medication for you that is safe in pregnancy. I've avoided this so far, but haven't ruled it out.

When the panic hits me, I try to remember that it the anxiety that is trapping me, not the baby. I go places where I see people with children (the park, swimming) which remind me how much I want this. Just take it easy - be honest about how you feel, and don't feel bad. You'll get through this. Some of the women I first spoke to on this forum have had their babies now. They are doing well. And we will too.

Always here if you want to chat:)

Ms Nice
09-11-10, 17:18

I was glad to see Genie had replied to your post. Meggles, you are not alone and what you are going through is something I too have experienced. I'm 22 weeks pregnant now and came here in a desperate state. My pregnancy was planned and much wanted but there have been times when I struggled to deal with it.

Like Genie says...you CAN do it. I also thought I couldn't, but with some encouraging words from here I can now see how worthwhile my strength (and worry, because it did make me seriously question my pregnancy) has been.

Do keep coming back here, it is good to talk and share experiences with others. Also, seek as much support as possible from health professionals...they too want you to enjoy your pregnancy and baby.


10-11-10, 00:23
Thank you so much to everyone who is replying.

I'm glad - not for your pain of course - but it's comforting to know other pregnant women have felt the same, even though it was a planned and wanted pregnancy.

You guys are great.

Going home
10-11-10, 01:22
To have gone through what you have means you are stronger than you think you are, and EVERY woman who is pregnant feels like this, that they won't cope...even women who don't normally suffer from anxiety and depression. And if you do get a bit wobbly after the birth thats normal too and there will be support around you. You're doing what us anxies are great at doing, thinking too far ahead with the 'what ifs' and letting your imagination run away. I know what you went through was scary and can understand completely that you don't want to be in that place again when you've had your baby, but try not to think too far ahead, just live in the moment for now...get as much rest as you can and keep telling yourself how much you want this baby. You'll also see you're not alone with this on here, so why not get together with the others who have this anxiety and support each other through your pregnancies? You might all have different reasons for the anxiety but you can still support each other perhaps.

Best wishes
Anna xxx :flowers:

12-11-10, 01:29
Fark. this. sh1t.

I hate anxiety. Hate hate hate it.

I went to my first psych appointment last night and was feeling positive about her being able to help me, but now that it's morning and this is when my anxiety kicks in, I'm just so afraid again.

How can I possibly get better only seeing her once a week? I'm going away on a cruise in 6 weeks and I can NOT be like this.

I can't keep doing this every day, I just can't. I'm sobbing hysterically and I'm so frightened.

Oh jesus make it go away :(

12-11-10, 01:36
Aw babe sorry your suffering like this. Could you maybe go see your gp explain how you are feeling maybe he/she could give you some support. You will get through this. Anxiety is awful let alone throwing a whole bunch of hormones into it. Sending you :hugs:

13-11-10, 05:24
Have just been to the GP cause I'm just not coping. She upped my dosage of Prozac and also gave me a small supply of low dose (2mg) diazepam for when I need it, just until the Prozac kicks in and I can get help.

I know neither is ideal in pregnancy but it's better than me being a wreck.

Really hoping that because I'm already on it the increase will take effect quickly.

13-11-10, 11:21
Hang in there Meggles!
Don't worry about the tablets. I have terrible morning (all day) sickness since 5 weeks, and still going at 25. And I have taken every different drug the GP would give me for it. Baby is just fine - nothing wrong on the 20 week scan. It is better for your baby for you to be safe and as calm as you can be.

I have been at the 'sobbing hysterically' point more times than I can count. The only think that helps me is a CBT strategy I have been working with called 'mindfulness'. It is about staying in the present moment. When you find you thoughts drifting (for me, all the time), say to yourself 'back to the present' and re-focus on what is around you - noises, images, anything. It takes a bit of practice, but it does take the edge of things. I have to keep dragging myself back from the panic, but you have to fight it.

You can do this. Everything is ok, and we are here for you.

17-11-10, 09:39
An update: (It's long - sorry)

The last 2 weeks have been hell. I have been waking up every morning increasingly earlier than the day before. Today it was 2:30am.

That wouldn't be so bad if I could fall back asleep, but I can't. I just lie there desperate and half dozing for the next few hours.

Then the anxiety kicks in. And I'm HYSTERICAL. Freaking the **** out. Went to see a psych at the Mother Baby unit at a hospital in town yesterday and she referred me to the local Mental Health Unit to be admitted because I was just falling apart and needed more intensive every-day help than just a couple of 1hr psych visits a week.

They rang today to say they have a bed available but I said to leave it for now, so they'll keep me on the waiting list.

Why did I turn it down??

I think I'm feeling kinda ok today?? The mornings have been the worst, but I've not been feeling anything. I had one flutter of my heart racing when I thought "do I really want a baby" but otherwise, I'm not hysterical like every other day. Every other day I've been beside myself, desperately hysterical, cant stop the thoughts.

I was saying to my husband earlier that all I've ever wanted was a baby. I used to cry for ages when we weren't ready to try for a baby yet.

So why am I afraid now that I don't want one? All of the effort involved. I guess cause it's FOREVER. You can't change your mind or give it back. It's a baby/toddler/child/teen/adult. Always needing you in some capacity.

I mean I've never had fears about being a good mum. I've been round babies plenty and am somewhat confident in my skills. But I just worry that the baby will come and I'll want to be selfish and live my childless life. Which is silly really, because we don't go out partying or anything - we're real nanna's - we go to bed at 9 on Friday nights for goodness sake! I'm not going to be losing my active social life.

But I know I couldn't cope with terminating - I don't want to.

I try telling myself that lots of people have these fears, and once baby is born I'll be madly in love with it, like everybody else seems to be. I just don't want to feel like this the whole pregnancy. It's horrible feeling like I don't want to be pregnant/have my baby.

Have even had a few friends confess that in their pregnancies they had similar thoughts - even ones as extreme as kind of hoping they'd miscarry so the anxiety and sickness would go away. As much as it's a horrible thing to think, I'm glad that some of my friends were brave enough to say what I'm sure lots and lots of women actually think, but just won't admit

I know deep inside I DO want a baby - of course I do. What's the alternative? Just being childless forever? No. That's not me. I want a baby.

My mum reckons that maybe it's my mind protecting me because of the last 2 losses. That maybe if I think I dont want it, then if I lose it, I wont be upset.

But I haven't had any real anxiety today, haven't cried or lost the plot or anything. I really hope I'm on the mend and will be okay, and this isn't just one good day before I fall apart again.

We'll see I guess.

18-11-10, 09:53
Hi Meggles,

I'm glad you're feeling better today - I know for me knowing the help was out there if I needed it made a real difference. Perhaps just being on the waiting list will be enough to keep you going - that might be why you didn't feel you needed to actually be admitted.

I just wanted to give you some hope. Like you, I have always wanted a baby. I have come and cried when I found out friends were pregnant. I have always had health anxiety, but really thought I would be ok with the pregnancy. When I found out I was pregnant I was overjoyed. A week after I found out I was hysterical. It has been a roller coaster ride ever since. I DID consider termination, and told my midwife I couldn't carry on unless they could help me. I also wished I would miscarry lots of times, just so it could be over. I have had a difficult pregnancy (still throwing up every day, and I have pre-existing heart problems). But it has been my overwhelming fear that something terrible is going to happen that has been the real problem. I have had weeks which have just seemed like one long panic attack.

But I am now 25 weeks. I can feel my little girl move - this morning, I could even see it! I have bought things for the nursery, and have started to imagine our life together - going to the park, swimming, playing, being a family.

It WILL get better. I'm not saying it will be easy, but as you go on the hormones settle and things are less extreme. CBT has also really helped me. It's really important to try and just deal with today. Try to stop yourself thinking about the future and whether things will be ok. They will be, but if you let your mind race ahead it is difficult to stay calm. Just try and live in the moment, and when you feel yourself drifting off tell yourself to come back to now and do something to distract yourself. When you can, I would suggest finding out the sex of the baby. This really helped me, as it allowed me to plan, and to start getting excited. It also made it impossible for me to consider termination any longer. I still can't wait to not be pregnant anymore, but it feels different.

I have had lots of moments thinking it was a mistake, that I didn't want this baby. But then my husband reminds me how I felt before. That feeling before we were pregnant, that's the real us. You do want this baby, whatever the anxiety or hormones tell you. And once things settle you will remember that and you'll be ok. You'll be a good mum, and the fact you have been through so much to have your baby will create a really strong bond between you.

Keep going!

Genie xx:)

18-11-10, 10:43
Genie you are an absolute gem!

Thank you for writing that. Thank you so much.

To know that you felt a lot the same - being upset when others were pregnant, desperately wanting a baby - but then still having anxiety and being upset when pregnant.. that really helps.

Thank you. :hugs:

Ms Nice
19-11-10, 18:36

Something that has helped me has been to not fight my anxieties...general or pregnancy related..and to do just what you are doing. You are seeking help and support in all of the right places. You know you want your baby and you know you deserve to enjoy your pregnancy and your baby and YOU WILL!

I know sleepless night do not help, but I've began seeing them as a way of preperation for my baby being here. I will be used to a lack of sleep and have started thinking about ways to make the early hours relaxing. This isn't always easy but it is possible. I even plan to sky plus things in the hope of relaxing in front of nice programmes whilst feeding or comforting my baby.

Things like this give me hope and you too seem to have hope...you came here!


21-11-10, 02:20
Not as good today.

Woke up super early again and I'm just so tired.

Started thinking about my Mum or husband dying and freaked out. I won't be able to cope when they die - I know I won't. I'll probably just end up killing myself because I won't be able to cope.

Ugh, why won't this go away. I just want to be normal.

21-11-10, 13:27
aww i know how ur feeling i was fine for the whole 9 months had a life even went out anywhere well 13 days ago i gave birth to my 4th child and wow anxiety has hit me even worse than it has been before,

brooke is 13 days old and we have been out the house once i did try to get to the shops today i drove there was okay inside the supermarket and by god them bright lights just set me of in a panic but i didnt run i stayed with it felt worse for going out but got to fight it.

i do think being pregnant and having anxiety is alot worse as the hormones do kick in and it does seem alot worse.

as i said my anxiety was fine being pregnant it has been after it,

stick with it it will get easier i know after 2 losses how nervous ur feeling the now i had a loss before i feel with brooke and it is hard to think it will be okay but it will.

take ur time it will get easier

21-11-10, 15:20
Having a rough time myself this weekend, Meggles, so just wanted to reach out and say I know how you feel. Am terrified of dying myself and can't get the thought out my head. Sure it is the same as you not being able to stop worrying about family dying.
Hang in there, and I'll try and do the same.:hugs:

23-11-10, 04:21
Ultrasound confirmed a missed miscarriage again - going to hospital to have a D&C on Friday.

Hubby and I are getting blood tests done to check our chromosomes and stuff too, in case there's a problem, because we fall pregnant easily but just can't STAY pregnant.

I'm okay though. Had my cry and sulk. If I can see ANY positive in a horrible situation it's that now I guess I can take time to work out my anxiety before we try again.

Thanks for caring guys. It really does mean alot x

23-11-10, 15:32
awww im really sorry i hope they get to the bottom of why its happening.

25-11-10, 08:43
I'm so, so sorry Meggles. Really thinking of you today. I do hope you find out what is wrong, and have some time to do some more work on the anxiety. We're here if you need us xx