andrew england 2
15-03-06, 14:13
"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -Albert Einstein
The above saying refers to me big time.
So far since finding the forum I have taken on some of the biggest underlying stresses of my life, they being the beginning of the sale of my rented house and making renewed contact with my ex fiance and generally putting in order the normal everyday things that one has to deal with to keep life running as smoothly as one can.
my drinking is down below 21 units a wk and i am most days managing to get 3 meals a day
I do suffer from a feeling of hopelessness and that my best days are behind me and that even if i manage to bring my anxiety down to normal levels and that my depersonalition and derealisation level off, I feel that I the ability to enjoy things again will be beyond me and that a dark shadow will forever lurk inside me always casting its cloud from within and that joy and happiness will forever be gone for me - this I guess is a classic symptom of clinical depression - and for all the words I can read in all the forums and all the books how others have recovered, the fear is forever inside that this shadow has come to stay forever.
As the saying by einstein above says - to do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - is very much me
I have a docs app' and need to make a decision btw 2 meds (prozac and citalopram) the same day I have an appointment with a gateway worker to see if I can develop another resource to help me, the same day I get my results to know if my knee is ok so tomorrow is an important day.
All my life I had planned to do this that or the other and sometimes those plans came thru and the thoughts today take me back to october and my last day at work - no real problems with anxiety except that which i brought on myself thru smoking (which can make me physically weak and shake and upsets my concentration and makes working as a joiner difficult) that apart no overwhelming panic attacks, just a feeling of discontent and a feeling that my life was empty and that I had things I needed to sort out (I did - my house and my fiance) They are underway now and ultimately will be sorted out as such things do take time by their very nature but they are open now, not hidden.
So to the doctors I wil go for 3 things, then I hope for a positive result on my knee and to the gym I hope to go, my life I hope to put fully in order (I am something of a must have things in order freak lol) then to work I hope to go and then with these things done I hope to have order and purpose in my life and then I must confront the demon within cos if I do everything correctly that I want to - if I once again do the same things over and over again I will get the same results and once again I will use stimulants to push me to another place and I will slip slowly into anxiety and drift out of work and end up drinking my days away slipping to and fro from panic attacks with worsening depression.
I have already decided to allow myself one afternoon out a week and have 3 or 4 or maybe even 5 pints on a saturday and to take care I am well fed before I go out and to return home and to take care to make sure I dont slip off into never never land, I think if I can handle a job again and do all the things I want to I deserve to be able to look forward to relaxing for a few hrs a wk.
Well I know the rules read the books got the tshirt - I can do it - the question I feel inside is will my shadow forever follow me.
The above saying refers to me big time.
So far since finding the forum I have taken on some of the biggest underlying stresses of my life, they being the beginning of the sale of my rented house and making renewed contact with my ex fiance and generally putting in order the normal everyday things that one has to deal with to keep life running as smoothly as one can.
my drinking is down below 21 units a wk and i am most days managing to get 3 meals a day
I do suffer from a feeling of hopelessness and that my best days are behind me and that even if i manage to bring my anxiety down to normal levels and that my depersonalition and derealisation level off, I feel that I the ability to enjoy things again will be beyond me and that a dark shadow will forever lurk inside me always casting its cloud from within and that joy and happiness will forever be gone for me - this I guess is a classic symptom of clinical depression - and for all the words I can read in all the forums and all the books how others have recovered, the fear is forever inside that this shadow has come to stay forever.
As the saying by einstein above says - to do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - is very much me
I have a docs app' and need to make a decision btw 2 meds (prozac and citalopram) the same day I have an appointment with a gateway worker to see if I can develop another resource to help me, the same day I get my results to know if my knee is ok so tomorrow is an important day.
All my life I had planned to do this that or the other and sometimes those plans came thru and the thoughts today take me back to october and my last day at work - no real problems with anxiety except that which i brought on myself thru smoking (which can make me physically weak and shake and upsets my concentration and makes working as a joiner difficult) that apart no overwhelming panic attacks, just a feeling of discontent and a feeling that my life was empty and that I had things I needed to sort out (I did - my house and my fiance) They are underway now and ultimately will be sorted out as such things do take time by their very nature but they are open now, not hidden.
So to the doctors I wil go for 3 things, then I hope for a positive result on my knee and to the gym I hope to go, my life I hope to put fully in order (I am something of a must have things in order freak lol) then to work I hope to go and then with these things done I hope to have order and purpose in my life and then I must confront the demon within cos if I do everything correctly that I want to - if I once again do the same things over and over again I will get the same results and once again I will use stimulants to push me to another place and I will slip slowly into anxiety and drift out of work and end up drinking my days away slipping to and fro from panic attacks with worsening depression.
I have already decided to allow myself one afternoon out a week and have 3 or 4 or maybe even 5 pints on a saturday and to take care I am well fed before I go out and to return home and to take care to make sure I dont slip off into never never land, I think if I can handle a job again and do all the things I want to I deserve to be able to look forward to relaxing for a few hrs a wk.
Well I know the rules read the books got the tshirt - I can do it - the question I feel inside is will my shadow forever follow me.