a decision to be made

[andrew england 2]

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." -Albert Einstein

The above saying refers to me big time.

So far since finding the forum I have taken on some of the biggest underlying stresses of my life, they being the beginning of the sale of my rented house and making renewed contact with my ex fiance and generally putting in order the normal everyday things that one has to deal with to keep life running as smoothly as one can.

my drinking is down below 21 units a wk and i am most days managing to get 3 meals a day

I do suffer from a feeling of hopelessness and that my best days are behind me and that even if i manage to bring my anxiety down to normal levels and that my depersonalition and derealisation level off, I feel that I the ability to enjoy things again will be beyond me and that a dark shadow will forever lurk inside me always casting its cloud from within and that joy and happiness will forever be gone for me - this I guess is a classic symptom of clinical depression - and for all the words I can read in all the forums and all the books how others have recovered, the fear is forever inside that this shadow has come to stay forever.

As the saying by einstein above says - to do the same thing over and over again and expecting different results - is very much me

I have a docs app' and need to make a decision btw 2 meds (prozac and citalopram) the same day I have an appointment with a gateway worker to see if I can develop another resource to help me, the same day I get my results to know if my knee is ok so tomorrow is an important day.

All my life I had planned to do this that or the other and sometimes those plans came thru and the thoughts today take me back to october and my last day at work - no real problems with anxiety except that which i brought on myself thru smoking (which can make me physically weak and shake and upsets my concentration and makes working as a joiner difficult) that apart no overwhelming panic attacks, just a feeling of discontent and a feeling that my life was empty and that I had things I needed to sort out (I did - my house and my fiance) They are underway now and ultimately will be sorted out as such things do take time by their very nature but they are open now, not hidden.

So to the doctors I wil go for 3 things, then I hope for a positive result on my knee and to the gym I hope to go, my life I hope to put fully in order (I am something of a must have things in order freak lol) then to work I hope to go and then with these things done I hope to have order and purpose in my life and then I must confront the demon within cos if I do everything correctly that I want to - if I once again do the same things over and over again I will get the same results and once again I will use stimulants to push me to another place and I will slip slowly into anxiety and drift out of work and end up drinking my days away slipping to and fro from panic attacks with worsening depression.

I have already decided to allow myself one afternoon out a week and have 3 or 4 or maybe even 5 pints on a saturday and to take care I am well fed before I go out and to return home and to take care to make sure I dont slip off into never never land, I think if I can handle a job again and do all the things I want to I deserve to be able to look forward to relaxing for a few hrs a wk.

Well I know the rules read the books got the tshirt - I can do it - the question I feel inside is will my shadow forever follow me.

[Southern_Belle]

Andrew,

I think you should be so very proud of yourself for what you have already accomplished. You are moving forwards not backwards! I do so hope you get good results with the doctor's appointment tomorrow. I think if you are able to exercise you will feel so much better. Also, working will help. I don't think you realize how far you have come. I agree that cutting back on alcohol is a great idea as it can be a depressant. I do hope the meds work for you. Please don't see yourself as in a dark well, see the light at the end of the tunnel because to me that is what you are describing.

Bel

[Robertc160882]

Prozac and drugs like it could be making healthy people with no history of mental illness feel suicidal, say researchers.
Prozac is prescribed to more than 38m people world-wide, and has been one of the pharmaceutical industries biggest success stories of recent years.

However, tests using Lustral, a very similar medicine, suggests that the Prozac "family" of drugs, known as SSRIs, may have dangerous side-effects.

There has long been concerns that the drug is prescribed to patients who suffer only mild symptoms of depression, and who are not clinically ill.




Doctors need to make sure that the people they give these pills to are going to benefit - I don't think that always happens

Dr David Healy, North Wales Department of Psychological Medicine

The research was conducted by Dr David Healy, of the North Wales Department of Psychological Medicine.

He told BBC News Online: "There are risk with these pills and benefits.

"Doctors need to make sure that the people they give these pills to are going to benefit, and that taking the risk is worthwhile - I don't think that always happens."

Dr Healy found that two out of 20 healthy volunteers on Lustral became dangerously suicidal.

No such effect was found when the volunteers were put on an antidepressant of a different class called reboxetine.

One of the volunteers, a 30-year-old woman, had a nightmare about having her throat slit after one week on Lustral and by the end of a fortnight she felt suicidal.

SSRIs (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors) like Prozac and Lustral act to modify levels of serotonin, an important brain chemical messenger generally thought to be associated with mood and feelings of pleasure.

Dr Healy has written to the Medicines Control Agency, which licences medicines in the UK, expressing concern about SSRIs.

He is also concerned that his research has uncovered a serious problem with the way drug trials in general are carried out.

Drug trials 'are flawed'

Drug trials, he says, are designed to test whether a drug can treat a condition, not to uncover evidence of side effects.

However, pharmaceutical companies argue that because no evidence of side effects has been uncovered, that proves their drugs are safe.

Dr Healy told BBC News Online: "This is a very worrying state of affairs.

"Potentially every person in the country is in a state of legal jeopardy where they are unable to obtain redress for problems caused by taking drugs."




There is no scientific evidence that establishes a link between Prozac and violent or suicidal behaviour

Eli Lilly

Eli Lilly, the makers of Prozac, issued a response which said: "There is no scientific evidence that establishes a link between Prozac and violent or suicidal behaviour.

The statement quotes a 1991 finding from an advisory panel of the US Food and Drug Administration, which found 'there is no credible evidence of a causal link between the use of antidepressant drugs, including Prozac, and suicidality or violent behaviour".

It goes on: "Several studies suggest that Prozac actually reduces aggression and suicidal thoughts and behaviour."

[Jason37]

Andrew,
Everyone who knows anything about your story is proud of how far you've come already, and the strength you've shown.
Go easy on yourself as regards "having things in order". There are not only two states of being: 'completely disordered' or 'completely ordered'. There are points on a spectrum. Achieve things one-by-one, just as we probably all learned to take the days one-by-one when we were in our dark times. We had to. Don't forget that coping strategy, it's still valid.
You will do this, Andrew. Don't let a discouragement in one area affect you for other areas. We never stop learning, improving, developing. You are living proof of that, and an inspiration to me.
Jason

[nomorepanic]

Andrew

All sounds very positive to me so well done on those decisions and choices that you have made.

Hope it goes ok at the doctors.

Nicola

[darkangel]

My one bit of advice is be easy on yourself - you are progressing really well and your posts are very positive. You have a lot of changes going on just now so try not to get too overwhelmed by all the changes at once.

Darkangel

........life is for living not just for surviving