i want to die

[IndianStar]

title is pretty self explanatory. any suggestions? i feel a repeat of wednesday coming on. i have doctors tomos morning. i wnt the biggest dose of anything to keep me drugged up and delirious.

i hate my life.
i hate anxiety
i hate depression
i want the old me back
im impatient.
i feel like cutting myself again to relieve some pressure.

im lisenin to rock music. i never listen to rock music unless im in black moods.

death be upon me.

[sammi]

Oh dear sorry you feel like this. Please don't give up you can get through this :bighug1:

[Nigel]

Hi IndiaStar,

I’m sorry you’re going through a tough time at the moment. But is the title really what you want? I mean really?

I mean, you said, “i want the old me back,” which makes sense, but doing that would mean there was no longer a ‘You’ to get back.

‘Drugged up and delirious’, I can understand that plan too, but afterwards, nothing has changed. I think underlying all this is a desperate need to escape from all the difficult and painful things that are happening at the moment, but not actually escaping from life itself.

When you see your doctor tomorrow I’d explain exactly how you’re feeling. Rather than more drugs, see if he can organise some kind of counselling or therapy where you can talk through some of these issues. Also ask if there are any local support groups he could recommend.

I’m guessing a bit, but quite often it’s anxiety that a person suffers from first. Depression comes later when the anxiety gets to much and everything feels hopeless, then they go on to hate the way their life has become. So it might help to be able to talk through with somebody, how it is for you. Then you could start to tackle the real cause while managing the parts that are really only symptoms. It’s much easier to work on one key part than to become overwhelmed by everything.

I’m guessing that your ‘repeat of Wednesday’ is referring to the self harm you mentioned. It’s a way of coping at the time, but I think you’ll agree, it doesn’t really help for long. Have you read this article about self harm (http://www.nomorepanic.co.uk/articles/selfharm/)? It’s got some good ideas for coping with the intense urges, and some less harmful alternatives you can try.

I’m off to dump my rock music collection now :winks:

Take care,
Nigel

[gaaron]

Hi IndiaStar,
Hang on in there it does get better. I once felt like you and wanted the 'old me' back. Guess what - after a while with help - I didn't get the 'old me', I got a 'new brilliant me' which I could have never imagined :flowers: x

[ElizabethJane]

Hi IndianStar I'm sorry that you are feeling like this. You are going through a crisis and if tomorrow is not soon enough please phone the Samaritans or Saneline who will give you advice to keep yourself safe ie safe from self harming and destructive thoughts. I have suffered from serious depression in the past and have come through it. I have also found that I needed to find a new life for myself I could never go back to how I once was. If that is what is helpful for you then it is a start a positive start to get your life back on track. It is unllikely that the docs will increase your meds they might but it is likely that they will refer you to your community mental health team until you a feeling a little more stable. I hope that you begin to feel better soon. EJ.

[allergyphobia]

Indianstar please reply and let us know that you haven't done anything to yourself

[paula lynne]

Im sorry I find this post scary and shocking, and now we are all worried that you have done something to yourself!! I hope you have taken the advice by Nigel and also rung the samaritans. I know when you wrote the post you were in the depths of dispair, but you should have rung someone immediately for help.
The admins have said many times that NMP isnt equipped to deal with this type of crisis.
I hope you are ok.

[allergyphobia]

i agree with paula i really hope youre okay but these types of posts are really unfair as we all worry so much.

[Dizz]

IndianStar

Firstly I hope you are ok and have not done anything daft.....and I hope you did ring someone for help.

PLEASE if you are reading this can you please at least post something even if it's just 'Hi' so that everyone knows you have not done anything to yourself.

I'm going to sound a bit abrupt here BUT if you are reading and just not bothering to reply or let anyone know because of your frame of mind etc then that is NOT fair as everyone on here is obviously really worried about you now (myself included).

You have to remember that we all all just normal people who suffer from problems too and we all try to help each other as much as we can but the fact that you aren't replying is making everyone else very anxious too.

PLEASE REPLY Indianstar or if you don't want to do that at least send someone a private message... you can send it to me if you like x x x x :hugs:

[paula lynne]

I agree dizz, I hope everything is ok x

[sammi]

Oh dear hope indian start is ok. I agree with dizz please let someone know you are ok. I have been waiting since yesterday when I posted for a reply to make sure your ok. Please don't leave everyone worrying like this. Hope your well xxxxx

[Dizz]

INDIANSTAR... PLEASE ANSWER US :hugs:

If by any chance you did read this message before I 'edited' it... I wasn't being horrible to you earlier I was just so worried about you too that my forceful side took over and it came out sounding really really harsh and uncaring.

Forgive me as that was not my intention, like I said I was just so worried about you.....and of course I would have still been here for you and I still am along with everyone else if you'll let me :flowers: :weep:
:bighug1:

[ElizabethJane]

I think that people on here have made helpful suggestions to IndianStar. If she does not wish to accept our advice then that is really up to her. I don't think that this website can do anymore tbh. People care and that might be enough at the moment. EJ.

[ladybird64]

I'm in agreement with EJ, there isn't any point in pleading or getting angry as it doesn't make any difference at all.

Unfortunately people do this sometimes and it is very unfair on everyone else but when desperate, rationality sometimes flies out of the window.

There are also instances where people post and just can't be bothered to let others know they're ok, they then appear on other websites which I think is selfish and thoughtless.

Anyway, all that can be done is to wait and see if there is a reply and try not to stress ourselves over something that we can do nothing about.

[IndianStar]

omg im soo sorry i have had everyone really worried :( i jus dint have to time to check the site yesterday and now i feel really bad. uckf.

thanks for everyone who gave advice and support im currently in counselling already and missed my docs appt

also i wont post again when im feeling crap cuz it seems as though some of you are really not happy with things ive said.

[sammi]

Hi indian star really glad you are ok :) xx

[ElizabethJane]

Thanks for coming back IndianStar. Sorry you are having a tough time at the moment. You could try going into the chat room when you feel bad? Please don't stop posting. I think that it was the graphic nature of the post and that you said that you might do something that offended. I hope that you are feeling a bit better. EJ.

[Nigel]

Hi IndiaStar,

Glad you’re OK :hugs:

Of course you can still post when you’re feeling crap – after all that’s what everybody else does here. But just try and remember that most people here struggle with anxiety in one form or another, and that means they naturally jump to the worst possible conclusion about things. They’re a kind bunch too and care about other people, which makes them worry.

So perhaps just tame down the most dramatic parts :winks:

It’s good that you’re already seeing a counsellor. Keep talking to them about how you’re feeling. And as others have suggested, remember there’s always the Samaritans (http://www.samaritans.org/) on 08457 90 90 90 if you need to talk to somebody.

Take care :)
Nigel

[jillyb]

Hi IndiaStar, I too am just so glad that you are OK. Please don't feel that you can't post - it's just that we were all so worried for you. Keep going to your counsellor and 'let it all out' - they are there to help you. You will feel better. Take care x

[Dizz]

:hugs:Hiya IndiaStar........:hugs:

I'm soooooooooooooo glad you posted to say you are ok. Gosh you had us all so very worried there.

Don't ever stop posting when you feel crap though especially just because you think you may upset some of us...we are all here to give you support just like you would give us all support if we needed it :hugs:

Just don't scare us all again like that though x x x x :winks:

Good luck with the counselling and everyhing,

Take care

Dizz x x x x

[SUPERem]

I feel your pain buddy. We all get bad days, some more than others. I used to think my life was one permenant "bad day," but it got easier. It's hard sometimes to just survive, but the cloud will lift for you x